OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 30, 2025 1:12 am

At this point;
Happiness is my priority by getting beneath my higher power in front of my higher power; because I am not God; God is God and I worship God and I do what God tells me. I get in instructions from God on how to be happy.
The problem is; I didn’t follow through with those instructions. Instead; I stopped halfway through; and never followed through. Thats the real cause of my problems; Those Im experiencing right now in recovery.
So; Im learning to get in front of God; humble myself; Just like a 5 year old on his knees praying to God; and praying to Santa Claus for a new Train set at Christmas… If a 5 year old can believe with that kind of faith; SO can I!
So; Im back turning into the 5 year old again praying to Sunny Jesus for my Trainset; of what ever that means to me. Im back again…. Amen… Im learning…
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Ill pray for everything…
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My happiness is up to me; if I would just get on my knees and follow through with God; meaning; I surrender to God and allow God in on all things first… and always; and then let God bring to me what I need and I stay out of it; Its the horse first then the cart. And Im ever learning this always on n on!
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Next step is to thoroughly work with God to over come specifics of the past; leading me to unconnect from it.
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Im still living in denial and unreality concerning certain events of the past; I had expectations because I thought I was a big shot; I was not and never had a chance with some people; specific people. I did not check first to see if I had a chance with them; I assumed and this got me destroyed and devastated. In the end; I clearly was delusional; I was hanging around the wrong people, Whos fault was that.
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NOTE: I had no family; no one wanted me; I was stripped completely of my physical past by that point was still a child… SO I was beyond desperation… What Do I do… I had no idea; what to do or where to go. Well; the places I ended up where not safe and I didn’t know that. And I was living in a place that was not safe; no one cared about me or wanted me; and no one cared about my future; nothing… I just did not understand or know what was happening; SO I reached out desperately to anyone anywhere. And I will pay for this horribly.

WHOS FAULT WAS IT I WAS HANGING AROUND THE WRONG PEOPLE: WHY COULDNT I JUST HANG OUT WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
Would got not bless me and allow a good life with them; the right people?
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Letting go of the wrong people is about EGO! And that specific ego is what Im working on…
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PTSD;
CPTSD;
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Im feeling it right now as I get a little better; feel a little safer in new surroundings in the present.
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A major part of me is that little boy who used to play in the school yard; throw the ball and ride his bike.
But that world was cut short; all things were cut short… or cut off. I was no longer… I was no longer part of anything… Nothing…
I had nowhere; I had nothing…
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I was thrown away and had no physical place to live with an address or neighborhood. The only person protecting me when young was This fake care giver… He did not care or give caring; that was my Father; but I really didn’t know who he was until it was 2 late. It was just another monster; thats all it was; nothing more. SO; there was never anyone looking out for me; ever…
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So; I was completely cut off from a life. And here I am now!
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SO; I relive the feelings of that time but have no house to go back to… Nothing. So; I must work with God on this continually and keep going… And Its working; my recovery.
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I am slowly going from what I remember or the PTSD; from that to now; living in the now; in some forms of peace…
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I have to keep working with God on things; on all of this….
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So; Im going through that PTSD right now!
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So; Im in a strange change over… From the Past to the present…
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Ive made some in roads but Ive also been in the recovery proce...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jan 27, 2025 5:51 pm

Blog;
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Ive talked allot about occupational ideas concerning things in the focus of Art/Writing/Music Creation.
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Ive talked about the years of being locked out of everything concerning occupation; meaning Hobbies and interests and callings, purposes; and so forth.
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However; now after much work; Years of working with God on things. One step at a time; with the help of others; walls are coming down…
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And Im showing signs of being organized…
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Im now working with others recreation-ally in these areas of the Arts; Im showing commitment signs to the Arts; creation process…
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Ive made enough advancements in this area that Im kind of on my own a bit and standing on my own 2 feet.
I think in the future blogs; Ill write about the work ethics involved as Im in the middle of the process of creating; The work ethic is now the concern around this… Learning to work more at it; putting in a little more time at a time… slowly; just slowly advancing naturally. However; Im truly at the beginning of all of this; meaning; Now that Im actually doing things in the real world. Im kind of in the real world now dealing with all of this again. Well; The fake and shadow life/ fantasy field Ive been living in; Ive stepped out of that with Gods help. Im now on the other side…
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Im on the others side very new and with no experience working at things in the real world. So; Ill keep working with God on all of this and report my challenges when they occur or need to be.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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Where am I at in the overall development of relationship brought back into my life.
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After the last brutal rounds of Mental breakdowns; breaks from reality where I was put on social security and put out to fenced world of grassy knolls and salt feeding beens for the live stock; A place I could live out my days in La La land and not bother anyone.
Its seems; Those days are over… Im now committed to a fully developed recovery that is gaining confidence. I may never regain self fully; but Im certainly showing signs of creeping up on a solid belief in the concept of rehabilitation. I would say Ive moved into that realm in some protective realms; and realms with opportunities to get help developing; A general person development for all aspects of maturity and right thinking citizen ship within my civilization and society.
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What does all this mean; It means Ive made inroads into society and Im now part of society in small but solid ways… Ive made foundational moves into society where small foundations have been established and Im now growing like a plant at these locations with in society.
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This means I crossed from being Deranged back into some forms of sanity. This means Im stronger now; a bit stronger mentally; enough for my feet to hit the ground in a stability; some levels of stability.
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Its a start; its just enough grounding to stay present and take a few chances that will enhance my developmental interests…
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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Zero; I know nothing. Nothing; Nothing.
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The authentic me never got beyond a kid. And when I get in touch with myself; my innocent inner being; Im a kid. That child has had no relationships; Ive had liars and perpetrators try to get at me at that inner level; inner core; but they were unable to get at me.
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Actually in safe normal places; healthy situations; Never been in any so never had any relationships.
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I had thoughts of relationships; desires or dreamy interests of what it would be like when I grow up from child level; but it never happened.
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I tried once, I timidly actually approached someone; But; I got shot down before I ever started; devastated I turned and walked away never to return… So; This did not count as an authentic situation because no situation ever occurred; I as shot down long before I even really know their name…
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SO, Here I am now…
Maybe for the first time to authentic...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Jan 26, 2025 7:43 am

Blog; where Im at now!
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2 areas;
Relationships
Activities
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Relationships; Well; I have sponsors and support groups… I have a working good relationship; hard and struggling relationship with God… But its Good; as far as I can see. Its bow down to God; to my higher power...
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SO; Im at the low end; The very beginning of learning about or trekking forward with the idea of learning about relationships; a curiosity; an exploration; a developing of the work ethic needed to meet people and finally be successful at it; This will take work; lots of it; Nothing is free; However; Ive got time and God on my side. All is good; I dont have to be overwhelmed. GOds got me; the universe has got my back; Ive got friends in the sky; God; Jesus; Universe; Holy spiritus and Gods Army; the blue Angels; my Galaxy Justice league; all for myself; they take care of me; they look out for me; They are my friendly protectors in this life and abroad. .
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As for relationships and the process to acquare such things in Gods kingship and sovereign state; under Gods care; It will be for the first time. I no absolutely nothing about doing this or them ( about women and how to meet them that are qualified under Gods care; women that have been attracted by the light; and anyone else that might land their space ship from outer-space)… Never been their before… Never met anyone before…
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Ill be working with a sponsor on it… it will be for the first time…
I guess its what 11 year olds go through when they hit 13… Thats the thick of it…
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Activities; these are certainly growing…
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Ive made in roads and can I say Im safe to say; have or am moving forward; or; this is open to me; Music and Art Creation; For this blog; thats what this is all about… and Ive moved forward.
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Im really moving down within and on top of the surface of a work grid; That is the direction of my recovery; its no longer about abstract things concepts or the focus on the past concerning what others have done to me and how to work a recovery process to get over it; Or; working the steps on that aspect of the past; the resentments.
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Now; after many years of working on the past; a natural movement from God has occurred; Ive earned the right under God; and Ive been moved forward into a work grid… Most if not all my interest and focus is present to forward looking; meaning; what I am looking forward to. I have lots of goals and that is the natural God given and directed focus these things; and its actually happening and Im slowly making progress more n more; More n More being trained down this pathway…. My interest is more n more on the future and the goals I have for the future; The future is looking bright; not just because of the goals but because of appreciation. I start where Im at… I work under God and with God and with those God has sent me to help to build me up; protect me; teach me; take care of me and mentor me… And with enough love and support; I start showing signs of being human again and the sunlight. So; I start where I start… For the first time down a trail… Its all Good! Its all Oke…
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SO; Today My natural focus is now on the work; I envision seeing myself at the actual work of a thing before its produced; its that work; I see myself at; that's what I want to take an interest in and focus on; on being the worker; on my work ethic; my ability to see myself in the creation process; thats whats important for me.
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I want to see myself drawing on a Art Tablet; scratching and smearing and rubbing the plastic with that electronic art pen; scribbling hidden ancient hieroglyphics.
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I see myself; my vision only on that Art pad; that Art tablet in front of the computer; I don’t see the monitor; I don’t care whats being drawn on it because thats not the focus of what Im doing here…
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My focus is not on the end result of Art. Right Now; its on the work ethic that creates a...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jan 22, 2025 12:52 am

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Letting go of the Past now; Im just able to just kind of float above and just float forward.....
I can do this because I know the score concerning the past... I know what the truth is...
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Moving into relationship concepts and ideas. At some point; A relationship Grid. Much like the Work Grid. I can feel it.
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Ive worked on FIRST LOVE from my past and many other false destructive situations… Falsely created situations in my mind; things that never existed. I just created them and needed to believe them… even tho they were false and unreal. Either way; I needed that fantasy… But I created it; and thats where all the work has been… to un hook from that those fantasies back into reality. Im still working on it.
However; Ive worked on it enough that I can feel it; I will be moved on from Work Grid to Relationship Grid where I will be working on real relationships with real people for the first time….
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I have to be prepared tho; for such things so I don’t get destroyed…
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Im heading in that direction. Its sickening what has happened to me in the past; It is… Horrible. Horrifying… However; my goal is to go past that; into the kind of people and places and things God wanted me in, in the first place and to focus on those….
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I don’t know that place yet… Its a place that never was…
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So; I have to work with God this time; slowly moving into that area… and learning to feel safe in it. Unfortunately when Young I was slaughtered in it… murdered with no defense….
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So…
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We will see.
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As for Work Grid. I am participating….
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Art Work; Well; did some today; I think Im getting the message; Just do the Art work; get strong enough with God going down pathways that lead to creating Art work. Im working on that….
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I don’t know that Ive said everything I wanted to say…. I may have wanted to say more. .
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But its simple; Its getting inline with God again doing the work until I appreciate the chance to meet new people…
I cant say it any better then this…
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ill humble myself before God so many many times; that this appreciation will appear. However; Ill have to do it…

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jan 20, 2025 1:57 pm

THE NEXT PUSH;
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NOTE: I have to become the person I want to be in life in order to attract the kind of life I want; and all under God...
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On my knees to God…
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The next push forward is out into the community…
In some basic pre situations; its already happening. And Im accepting of it.
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Occupations; Well; I guess at this point one could also call it a Hobby calling; I certainly am using my Purpose; one of them in life… Thus; I kind of mix of Hobby/Calling/Purpose/Occupation style; I wont call this form of occupation traditional payed work; Im not getting traditionally paid; its not a formal paid job… But the tasks are similar and the commitment… Its more a combination of Artistic expression/recreation/recreation concepts/social interactions/practice-skill-development/teamwork.
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ART; Im working with God on Art Purpose. One area that is seeking up on me is; If Im left with nothing but willingness; will that be enough to put out effort for Art creation. Can I break the hardened resentments within myself surrounding Art. I will try; Ill work on it. The goal is interest. Am I so interested in Art that I will create art regardless.
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I thing has been; I havent had a purpose; and Ive needed one; ( What do I do with the Art work) ( whats the calling) ( What is It for).
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However; if I don’t get that answered; Im starting to see the other motivation is from the other side; I simply love making Art. And I want to experiment and make it all day long; so I go make it anyway and play with the ideas… because I want to.
Still; id need much growth to do this; what is required is; to be at base level with nothing concerning Art; be like a person with an interest and thats all I have… And go from there as if no one owes me anything; I just do it because I love doing it or want to be creative.
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I want to feel protected in my life; so……
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NOTE: I have to learn how to memorize.. With PTSD problems; this is hard…
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MENTAL HEATH ISSUES>..
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With Agoraphobia and AVPD; and Dissociative disorder; its hard to leave my apartment into a strange world landscape I don’t fit into… The outside world is made up of people and I have to depend on them and what they have and what I don’t have. I don’t seem to be able to function outside; I just kind of collapse and turn into a walking corps; I have to wait for others to help.
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If the outside world has one thing; its; help; meaning; I have to depend on help to be part of things. I cant function out here… However; at least im trusting the process again enough to believe God is supplying an outside that is suitable for me at some degrees…
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I can get mad at why God did not give me opportunities in this life for something of the outside world. I don’t know… Ill keep working with God…
I do have to become willing and to change my mind about the outside world… I have to trust and work with God…
I have goals; I have to go with what ever God tells me to go with…. To work through things.
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So; OCCUPATIONS; What I occupy my time with; is getting answered.
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SO; I must have help in the outside world…
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Im slowly making my way out of the 12 step groups; Some have become so volatile with being stalked and other problems; its not worth it anymore…
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Im just following God…
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On the way out; others arnt helping… Have I accomplished everything I need to in those meetings; ALMOST; Im working my way out of those meetings; so I have to trust God will make me present again to exit interview the place and learn to get my needs met at other places in the real world…
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I have to trust God…
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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This is the next level; Im talking about girlfriend...

[ Continued ]

At this point; Happiness is my priority

The beginning of Relationship Journey

2 areas; Relationships Activities

Moving into relationship ideas; letting go of the past

THE NEXT PUSH

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