July 2025
June 2025
Relationships;
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My First Love was abused.
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How could I have forgotten. Dissociative disorder and all that trauma day after day after day because I was thrown away from the first day of my life; the trauma and exhaustion day after day after day and slowly and silently the Dissociative disorder taking over slowly erasing things; quietly erasing the deeper aspects of things from my conscious mind; slowly evenly day after day erasing reality until I can remember a picture of a thing but cant remember anything associated with it.
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Ive done allot work on myself to slowly wake me up.
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Ive been at 10s of thousands of 12 step groups for one main purpose; Exposure therapy for long term PTSD to wake me up. And its really helped to keep me awake and wake me up after attending 1.9 kazillion meetings.
In fact; They are trying to kick me out of some of those fellowships because Ive been their to long. I have a tendency to live in places like that for ever like its my Grandmothers basement. THe people get tired of me. And many of these groups.
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these can be violent offender's ruff n tuff people; lots of sociopaths and narcissists; several psychopaths of a sadistic nature; they bring their children in ( they basically demoralize and abuse their children in front of us; almost like torture)and I talk to God about it; so close calling the authorities on them because of sadistic implications of abuse... In order for me to survive in those places I cant be part of surveillance on those places. I have to kind of show up observe and go home; these are a ruff group of people; in some case; the state penitentiaries finest... SO.... I have to back off.
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Lately; as I continue my work on recovering from mental illness and addictions and other things; It happened; I went deeper and remembered; My GOd I remember her; I remember now; it surfaced or I was allowed to go deeper and some of the amnesia went down and facts began to show up; I could feel it again. My God I remember; She was being abused; thats what I saw; her parents neglected her; neglecting her whole life. I watched it; no love... Thats why I was sent; to love her the way she was suppose to be loved and to bring God to her... That was my only quest.... To lover her!
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It was like my job was to love her but because she was abused; it intensified everything 2x times... I really wanted to save her and sweep her off her feet and love her with all my heart; it was so very intense.
I was not allowed to remember those more intimate facts because I was not allowed to feel them ever again. All was shut down to keep me alive... SO much amnesia; I could remember her name and thats all I was allowed to remember; and even that was just a thought; I was not allowed to remember her name directly and I mean; that was all I was allowed to remember; everything else goes into this protective cloud I was not allowed into.....
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MENTAL ILLNESS;
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Now Im getting it.
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Now I see it;
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Ive been mentally ill from Dissociative disorders CPTSD; ALl my life. Dissociative disorder...
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THe therapists knew this... Im assuming the shrinks knew this... Im assuming the Graduate student subs working at the state mental health offices that I received free counseling; I assume they all knew this.
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My mind has been gone from Amnesia; Dissociative amnesia; All my life. My mind and life were over ran when I was born and its been a slow trauma process of destruction upon my mind every day until I got worse n worse and until my mind was gone... gone completely. It sneaks up on you!
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As for my first love; that is a great example; I did not remember; I did not feel; It did not exist for me until today; these newer feelings I remember now; today. I just started to remember she got abused; it showed up this morning while doing more recovery work. It comes from the universe; the universe puts it in my head independent of my thoughts.
The scary thing about it; It becomes buried in a way( like a tomb of my feelings expressions experiences and thoughts). With dissociative disorder; Its gone! No feeling of this thing or memory of it; its like I forgot... ITs not connected to my mind anymore so I dont miss it but it covers up the truth about my real story. With enough dissociative amnesia; I become lost; like a blind person; nor purpose; just lost... No depth; no history; nothing... Because of the pain and trauma assocaited with touching anything or being to close to anything; all memories will be abandon... all history is abandon; I cant get close to reality; my nervous system and personality and mind are ruptured.
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MY REAL STORY:
Mentally ill all my life; ran down; Trauma based; Dissociative based disorder. Developmental trauma disorder. Dissociative Amnesia. AVPD. Clinical depression before this; psychotic depression. Some use time of drugs and later; some use time of alcohol. I injured my brain on hallucinogenic drugs ( shrooms and PCP)in high school; and later with alcohol I got hooked and could not stop in my 20's.
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Unfortunately; I got hit brutal hard with Dissociative Amnesia; everything turned off and split off and splintered off. Fragmented off. And silently my history disappeared until I forgot it and didnt know who I was.
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Now; Im getting hit with another scary aspect of this mental condition; As I get a little stronger and more in touch with my feelings; THe universe is allowing me to remember facts of things that were segregated from me. THey silently surface or appear. Its like Im a Battle ship; and I have 8 decks... and as Im running through the ocean; everything is fine. Suddenly I get a call from a deck hand saying we have 9 decks.. The captain; the crew; all aboard go silent; IS this a ghost ship; everything suddenly is in a state of fear or panic; a silent panic. As we look over the railing of the boat; we look down and their it is; #9 Decks; but we never had a number 9# deck... No one knows where it came from.
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The reality is; It was always their; been their for half a century; no one was allowed to see it or feel its presence; and no one was allowed to remember it... SO; it didnt exist. But it had always been their.
Why wasnt it remembered? because it was a part of something very bad that happened and to make sure I dont remember those bad things that happened; My mind simply blocks out the deck it happened on. So; I run the boat for 50 years; no one even questioned it; No deck existed beyond the 8th deck.. but now the 9th deck has appeared. Looks like Im getting stronger or the universe is opening things so I can have another life.
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NOTE: A Forest; life is created; life is taken away; earthquakes occur. thunder storms. Trees fall...
However, what if your blind and cannot hear; ANd you live next to the forest. But you don't know you live next to a forest... And you die before knowing it... or maybe you live in the forest; but never see anything other then the tunnel or the assault road to from your house or to your house and everything else is hidden behind a wall; so you dont know where you are. Wars are fought in that forest. bombs go off in the forest... people are married and party in the forest; children are born in that forest; money; great money has been made in that forest. But you never hear it or see it. I simply do not know it exists... So; if I asked you; does it exist? You would be silent.. Assuming the reader will just go with this philosophy right now for the sake of expressing my slanted opinion.
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Dissociative disorder is a life or death kind of thing. ITs at that range of battle field.
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What is really being hidden from me; My sickness is what's really being hidden from me.
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I realized the other day; I actually perform about 10% of what I dream up or fantasize bout. If you asked me what I did today; I would say; some sporadic video game playing... on n off several times a day. Maybe some model kits during the week and maybe some piano practice and song writing during the week. 4 days out of the week I would practice some; I might only write music once a week but Id tell you I was writing it several hours a day... When that wasnt true...
How much did I actually write music this week. How about this month. My goal was to write it everyday.
How much did I actually work on plastic model kits this week. Not just today but for the whole week; because I stop connecting and go into a dissociative state and spend the day watching Detective channel on youtube. I cant handle reality.
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RECOVERY:
Whats great about recovery?
I get to monitor my progress of what I actually accomplished today or this week.
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For example; Im working with God on relationships; For this week; How many examples of relationships; small practice examples did I work on.. And I can find several because I had goals associated with relationship stuff. And whats so cool; because Im goal oriented; I actually make progress and I can see it... I can track it and its fantastic. I can track if I actually am creating real music during the day or week and I can do something about it; if Im dissociated to the point of no contact with the world. I can turn things around and start practicing and creating again or building plastic model kits... or losing weight. I can monitor these things and I can set goals for myself.
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Nothings greater then tangible hard earned connections in reality when one is a Dissociative.
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Ive been mentally ill all my life and it never got better; Im just now waking up around it... Im starting to wake up and see just how Ive lived.. Ive been in a state of a straitjacket and blind at that same time with out the ability to remember anything; to feel+remember!
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I'm still disabled just like in the beginning; nothing has changed; as I wake up and am allowed to wake up; I realize; nothing has changed. the freedom Im experiencing is the ability to wake up.
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I look forward to leaving the 12 step groups; out growing them and learning how to connect to the world around me. Its always been exceptionally hard because ive been disabled through mental illness... Nothing has changed.
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GOOD; I HAD MORE TO WRITE: NEW SUBJECT!
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At the meeting;
So noon meeting; New young women is in the room; shes young enough to be attractive to anyone older...
So; she knows this and uses this against people. She is not safe; probably a pathological narcissist type; or sociopath... sociopathic.
What does this mean; it means shes using her fake charm signals to control or get attention. She finally told the group that no matter where ever she goes; no one likes her; She said it was a badge of honor and power and authority; Like; shes likes that kind of uniqueness and attention...
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Here's the deal; I can feel it in a room when a sociopath or narcissist starts playing people; suddenly an imbalance occurs; everyone is focused on the narcissist as if they have power. My personal power gets screwed up. THey bounce over my boundaries using female psychology they are not suppose to use; they are sending signals to the whole room as if they like everyone in the room; as if everyone might have a chance with them. I closed up shop; went outside; found a private room; Got on my knees and prayed that I wont loose focus and attention to what Im focusing on... I then re entered the room and dealt with this sociopath... Plenty of them come n go from the recovery rooms; I would love to say they are for everyone but not everyone can handle it... being around such sick people all the time; deceptive people.
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Im trying to focus on old relationships; re writing them. I dont want to focus on anyone else because I dont have to.
THe universe will supply a natural direction for relationships and meeting the right people and Im on that trajectory. I dont need poison cake from monsters in this meeting place. It is interesting to see the dynamic change... I wanted to hold my own. Not get ran out of the rooms. Now I focus on Gods vortex realm around me protecting me and keeping me aligned and inline with God and recovery.
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TRAUMA BOND......
Why do I have so much problems with dating and women; Im all ready owned by my mother and havent done anything about it yet.
My mother broke me into a severe trauma bond. She started it probably through ritual abuse when a baby. And later through other means when she could get away with it; numerous times; finally she did it again during my visits with my First Love.
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I have to be broken out of this trauma bond; smash through it; Its as if a psychopath grabbed way deep into my nervous system; cut all the ties I have with myself; hooked up their machines for my life support and now own me and are my life blood; kind of a pure co dependency from hell.
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I was tortured into submission through fear... and thats whats causing this.
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Here's the deal; it is this that destroyed my future with my first love.
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SO; I want to now do something about it and I am.
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And when I see other sociopaths trying this stuff in open rooms on everyone; turning them into victims; I'm not happy about it. I don't need it; and i don't need them...
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So; more work with dialogging; creating new scenarios with old relationships; re creating them; taking my voice back and my power back.
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This is no game; I did not have a mother; this was a criminal based psychopath; sadistic; another form of a murder'r. is a murder'r. Same thing... No different then a serial rapist or serial killer; same exact thing different package...
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So; I have to come out from that fear and terror and being broken down from it.
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Im worth more then this... thats what's cool about this comment in this blog; I have higher standards and if I keep this up; ill make my way all the way back to the middle class where its much safer for me; and Sunny Christ will send all kinds of nice people for me to have relationships with...
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I cant have it both ways. In the short run; its easier to steal but it gets one thrown into prison. Sometimes the harder road is the safer road and the results is honest and safe and earned... Something like that ( smile!). Nothing is free. I cant have my cake and eat it to... sacrifices got to be made while going up the Standards ladder!
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SO Im feeling better; and hopefully will get back up to a higher standard considering relationships; Ive all ready gotten many answers from the universe and its just a matter of time now as I trudge forward.
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I will have success because Ive been working at it steady for so long...
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