June 2025
May 2025
2 recent main events of importance.
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First; after working through resentment issues concerning past relationships to some extent; working with others and talking about it at meetings; No one from my past hated me; Hate is not what happened. Thats not what happened; thats not what this story is about; Its not about having sand kicked in my face and being hated and laughed at an belittled; this story is about being absent. I was absent; dissociated to the point that I did so much thinking about the others person; I never talked to them; I just saw them inside myself in my imagination and I thought about the good that might happen and the bad; I did this instead of actually having a relationship with them. Creepy as this is; its true! I spent all my time in my head because I got to an end off point; I had no courage; However, I wasnt just dealing with making a girlfriend; I had several other major problems way over my head that stopped me completely; The girl would not know of these things. From her perspective; I was an eligible boy that liked her; I seemed to have gotten close to her for a while; then suddenly stopped; stopped as if I was immature. The reality is; this young women would not have known the difference; how could she have know anything about the situation; no one told her. From her perspective; it must have seemed odd and then at some point; she wrote me off as immature and just kept going... moved on; never recognizing anything of any value.
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When dealing with women; a man must tell her how he feels so she knows hes interested. If not; there is no relationship; just some immature guy hanging around until she losses interest and finds another guy. No way I was going to develop in that arena.. impossible. No courage would be coming forth; thus; mistaken identity; this was not something that was suppose to happen; We were never suppose to meet; it was a mistake. Its not personal; the girl had no ill feelings for me. Probably just more frustration dealing with young boys; and non of them mature enough to hit on her and date her so; she looked else where. She moved on. I do not feel much... I never helped her out with this... so; What choice did she have... I could go no further; what choice did I have. I had to move on. I finally left the area... From her perspective; I was a stranger that hit on her and called her a few times and showed up around her several times; but thats it; I went no further. Impossible.
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What Im learning now; Im learning about what I would have done to go further with her; what I would have said to her; how I would have acted; How could I have broken through that anxiety wall. Thats what Im working on; thus bringing me back into reality in the here n now.
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NOTE: Breaking through this anxiety wall is what this is all about. Im trying to stop dissociating when moving forward into something new in the present. I could not follow through with her because of dissociation and mental illness. Im trying to break through now!
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The First Girl I loved; Problem?; I was absent. I never made a pass at her; never told her my deeper feelings; never told her what I wanted; never told her I liked her; nothing; no verbal about my feelings for her. I can trace this problem back to sexual abuse before I met here; being controlled by sexual abusers and going silent because of it; SHe tried several times physically to get me to make a pass at her accept her love her have a relationship with her; stay the night with her; tell her how I felt about her; tell her it was HER that I liked. But I didnt.. I said nothing; I had no developed courage.. Nothing. It did not mean I did not like her; I did; but I had no development; Nor did I have the ability to tell her that I had no courage... I could do neither. What made me mad; Why didnt the person at least have the decency to question the situation; But then; How could she; She didnt know me. I had not been in her life from before...
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traumatic shock.
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NOTE; About WORK! Ill talk about work a bit; So; on the way home on my bike; I got my first purge of work feelings; I saw in my mind; I saw myself diverging from a bad person; and suddenly I saw myself in a career or job that would take me far from the bad person; This may not sound like much; but its very important; it means the guidance system is starting to work again; my productive self is starting to kick in and act like someone aligned for survival; this is good; this is me taking respond-ability...
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NOTE: Much more open about things at meetings; I feel not attacked at all from the relationships I had when young; I feel it was all a mistake and mis communication; it had nothing to do with anyone. No ones fault... 2 people separated from each other and finally; they just go their own way.
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Its kind of like a mutual divorce. I was up to speed and worked through it and moved on; Im in the process of that.
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As for the work side of things; Ive felt like a slave... But I feel different now; I mean; I feel like I can do more with my life because its my life! It does not belong to anyone else. Its starting to belong to me...
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So....
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Im seeing I can be anything I want including who i originally was brought up to be with all of my feelings and thoughts from my original life.
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Id like to be strong enough to have my original self back; from the beginning of my life.
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Now; I have to learn how to like myself again. I mean; I have nothing from the past to hate on; and that is chewing on me. I guess there is sexual abuse PTSD and other things but the facts of not being loved and hated from specific people; are not true. What does this mean; Im talking about psychopaths sociopaths narcissists sycophants; 2 faced shallow people. Im not talking about them. They are bad people; evil; who cares what they think; it was nothing but brutal contempt and hatred from them.
However; Im talking about something totally different; Im talking about specific relationships that were important to me.. In most cases; the people never knew me; I never told them anything about myself. In the end; some judged harshly but I was already on my way out. They never knew me. In some cases; I wanted them to know me... In some cases I wanted them to be my friend and I wanted to build a friendship with them... I almost did; but something stopped me. And Im trying to look at what that means... Write through it; go back and look at it. Maybe I didnt want them to have any personal power over me. I dont know. Something like that... Maybe I didnt trust them; maybe it came from something deep within me. I dont know.... Maybe I realized there was no way!
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This means I can turn this around; turn the negative of how I saw myself for most of my life; I am free; I am now free to turn this around... I was not hated; I am free to turn this around.
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Sexual abuse is a problem; it is also stopping me hard; right in the middle of my nervous system; I am determined to be present again and have relationships; so; I must work with God while experience this continuous PTSD>
Possible to write stories of standing up to the abuser over n over n over and getting to safe places in new stories.. The more work I do; the more work Im willing to do..
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Meetings;
They are not easy; and the people can be rude. Physically rude. I put up with it and leave. I come back tomorrow and grow some more. Lately Ive seen allot of pressure from people to shut me down; this happens when Im growing further then where they are at.
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I have to learn not to take anything personal.
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Weight loss; Its picking up; the bycicling and parts of the eating process and the Cider vinegar; and thats the key. The key is to just keep at it.
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One problem is starving. I have to learn to eat foods taking the place of others foods; drink allot water to fill my stomach and eat oats n things; tea's n such...
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I would be a lot nicer if the weight was off and I was trying to keep it at that weight. Ill have to do the work.
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The more I eat; the more the process stops; no weight loss.
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Work ethic; I had no work ethic... Nothing; it never got started; nothing ever got started; schooling was ruined... No part of anything. I did not know the people ruining the house were my enemies.
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So; I start with no problems with those from the past. What I want to do in the future is a different story...
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Ill keep working with work issues and see what comes up.
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Ill have to write stories about breaking through socially; over n over n over... until I start to break through socially.
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