July 2025
June 2025
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A NEW VOICE
A NEW WORK ETHIC
A NEW HOPE>..
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FIRST LOVE:
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Im now looking at safe places or safe pathways away from this person… Im looking within my mind working with God for safe place to move forward in my imagination to rebuild myself enough to be stronger and strong enough to withstand this person… the memories of this person.
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NOTE: a fake; kind of molesting intimacy; completely faked; just to see how close they can fake someone out; a complete game; its an act of bullying actually… I never saw it will it was being done; I never thought I had walked purposely into a bully playing me. Or a molester playing me; that is the equivalent of what this was… This was the same personality of the molester that molested me but it was in a girls form; but the same personality; its like I was molested; then moved away only to find a force that propelled me forward into another molester… Thats why I was so defeated after finding out what this psychopath really was. I can see Sunny Jesus looking down at me; Letting me know I had gone in the wrong direction. This was not toward God; this was toward evil; pure evil! The best think I could have done was prayed at home and stayed with God… and then slowly went in Gods direction…
They got up close; physically; it was a game to see if they could fool me! If I would buy into it. I had no idea someone was faking me out! It scares me! The idea of these type of molesters this close to me; not knowing it… buying into it.
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Im starting to find some pathways. God is helping me go back in time within my past and memories of my past to find innocent places I remember that I can imagine I escape into and rebuild myself; places I can just sit and be me and allow growth.
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And its starting to happen.
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In many of the most important aspects of finding these pathways of safety; I find Im so crippled emotionally that God has to be with me to hold me up to move my legs or feet in front of me so I can take the footsteps out of from and away from these type of people into a safe zone where I can get help and practice developmentally and slowly get better.
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This suggests how feeble a condition I was in when I met these people or needed help. Emotionally I was so trauma bonded I could hardly function! This suggests how feeble a condition Im in right now; God is helping me learn how to walk in my imagination away from these monsters right now in my imagination. So; Im still in this condition now!
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MY VOICE IS COMING BACK!
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Concerning First Love or anyone else; I want the ability to right now call someone if I felt the desire to work things out between us. Meaning; fix what ever happened. To be able to call right now; not freak out and jump off a cliff. But to call the other person to find out whats up as a solution.
NOTE: I say this cautiously; Im talking about meeting safe decent people; not monsters. And when I meet those people; I learn to open up and talk about my problems or how I feel about things and solve the problems with them…
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GOAL: To stop attracting predators…
I watch a video or read somewhere that people like myself are considered immature concerning relationships; naive; and monsters wait for people like me to set me up and take advantage of me. And I can see it in the videos Ive watched of innocent people meeting the wrong people in open markets and other areas; They think they've found a true love; when in reality; they've been taken by a criminal. Its a lack of experience and a naive concept.
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NOTE: My God; I look back at Naive stance. I mean; I was open to anyone… I still get in trouble from this… I get in trouble being innocent! Still!
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Pure Evil doesnt care!
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The good Im looking for Comes from God! From those who seek God!
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As for FIRST LOVE: The actual person; NO; I was using the upper paragraph as an example; my FIRST LOVE is way to dangerous an offender to associate with for any reason and is a pathological liar with no remorse or conscious. Never recall a narcissist; run; never talk to them again… Pure evil.
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NOTE: I Got trauma bonded from the beginning; my mother; bad teachers; father; molesting relative and or grand mother; brother; and First love; all pure evil; all of them; I was trauma bonded to them all. Im slowly learning how to let go of them… its kind of sickening all of this.. really sickening… Ill have to work with God on this; all of this.. thats whats happening here. I can see women at 12 step meetings doing the same to me; trying to trauma bond me! They act nice but I can feel it! Its pure evil. God is showing me… all of it!
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I had a best friend the same way as my FIRST LOVE: very similar in personality and offending sociopath based offenses. He was a kind of Pathological liar. Its interesting to say that he WAS! Because he almost does not exist anymore… And I have no reason to up-surface his memory; he was found out and I was able to work through that and have him removed from my experience for good; meaning; I sent him an immediate letter accusing him and cutting him out of my life for good… No problems; he and his family were fiends… They are long gone from me; I am safe.
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FIRST LOVE: She is gone. I am relatively safe; Not yet; shes not completely gone yet; Yes she is. Im not completely gone from her! Im still meandering around in the crime scene of what once was…. Its like Im walking around in a kitchen where a crime occurred years ago… and Im looking at the struggle area; its all past tense.
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She is not completely past tense; she is forced past tense; that means I forced it out of my subconscious. God showed me how. Its like regurgitating a timber… Now Ive got this empty hole where a whole world used to control me! But its still to new an operation… Im in post op… healing waiting for my ride to show up!
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I feel dealing dealing with my first love was a major operation and Im now in the first few days of slowly getting over the operation…
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MUSIC:
Music is already sounding better; Im different; Im much more focused now and ready to slowly allow myself to put down one layer at a time and just start creating things.. and working through rhythm and sound and mold it into something workable. However; Im just at the beginnings of this; of not dissociating as much.. or automatically.
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So; I mean; its all a miracle. Life is and has been a miracle for years now; Ive been walking on water with Jesus for so long; it seems normal to me! I cant ice skate tho… Not yet!
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The goal is to continue to do this work until it is all cleaned out of my system… it will happen; it will take time.
Boundaries are very important to immediately respond to any thought intruding in my mind of my First love; its almost like I go into war mode and execution mode. I execute those thoughts on the spot! I attack them and throw them out… no chance of them dominating me out of fear…
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WRITING NEW STORIES:
So; its also time to write new stories about what I want in my life.
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MUSIC; its frustrating because I have to accomplish something half way presentable or solid and its not easy because it takes work. I mean; I have to align the notes up; or accept I cant even play very well in any practical way; piano; and I have to learn to slow down and align the right notes with each other; the base notes with the melody notes with the rhythm chord notes; And I feel a kind of superiority and entitlement that Im to good for this.
In reality; I don’t even have any experience working at this; I never had to worry about doing it right; Now I do. And I feel put-apon…
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So; I have to learn how to work… if I work at something; use the building blocks and build with one brick at a time; I can build something… I get offended that Im the brick layer and not the emperor… But I never learned how to set bricks and build anything. I didn’t went to get my hands dirty doing my own work for my own dream.
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Ill talk to God about this fear of interaction; I mean; thats what dissociative disorder is! Ive had a fear; but in this case; building songs; I can work with God on this.
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Even writing it gives me the creeps because it takes me back to my childhood and my childhood hopes and dreams and I know how they are going to end up in that time period.
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A NEW VOICE
A NEW WORK ETHIC
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These are 2 areas that are forming.
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The work ethic is very real but very rudimentary. I mean; its more like asking a disabled kid to reach out and try functioning; all they can do is feebly move their arms forward a bit and thats all. But it shows at-least they believe again. At-least they are trying. And that is really the miracle or the change.
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And that change is happening; I wanted to say its coming closer; but its been happening already. And because God is helping me; hes getting rid of all the vampires from the past and hopefully from the present that keep attacking. Ill work with God on this.
God is taking over the intimacy within me to guide me and kicking out the old vampires that have been living off my soul for a long long time…
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