June 2025
May 2025
Im at this place; taking God with me; Taking God with me every few feet.
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I imagine that Im camped out in a tent; Im camped out in a tent very close to my subject of interest; and that subject has unfortunately appeared evil; thus Im leaving; On the way out; I set up a tent; I walk into the tent; I pray; " Thank you God; Thank you GOd Thank you God thank you God" " Your will not mine God; Your will not mine; Your will not mine; your will not mine"; I imagine Ive walk a ways away from the evil; I set up the tent again and repeat what I enacted the first time; In the tent on my knees on my face to the floor; hand down or outstretched; " Thank you God Thank you God Thank you God Thank You God; Your will God not mine; Your will God not mine; Your will God not mine; Your will God not mine".
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And I put up the tent 6 feet down the lane and then 20 feet down the lane and another 10 feet down the lane; and I repeat the same process and bring God into the lane at every uneven anchorpoint... all along the bi way! all the way back home; not missing a beat. GOd is brought in to sanctify the process and cleanse the runway... all the way back to where I started; And thus; it takes a village to survive.
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The point is; Im learning to pray every 6 feet out in the real world to sanctify and cleans the area in front of me before I walk into it; THus it is not owned by the world; it is owned by God and thus deemed safe.
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A lot of work must go into the preparation of a thing; One might say; I got to put my whole heart into it.
But what happens when my trust has been damaged; How in the world could I ever put any of myself any part of me into anything ever again.. I dont trust anything.
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If I want to be good at something; Ive got to be dedicated to it; sacrifice to be participate within it. Ive got to really really want it; want it so bad Im willing to give other things up to have it and knowing so; fully awake to do so.
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How in the world can I be dedicated to anything after coming from a background of anti dedication?
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I was dedicated to not being; and not being dedicated to anything.
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The question is literal; How can I be dedicated to anything with a background of anti dedication.
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In this question it looms a lack of proficiency. I literally do not have the competence or maturity or skills or development for such a characteristic task. I dont have the character to be dedicated. I do not have the skills or development from my specific past leading up to being present and proficiently ready to take on " Dedication" of a thing; as a thing!
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So; It does look like I have a problem that is defined...( And that is good); and that problem can be answered simply because it was defined. If I can define a problem; I can seek an answer to a defined problem.
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Im lacking in any developmental areas from my specific past on how to move upward through my specific past into a placement that would allow me the opportunity to be ready to open the door to pursue the development of " dedication".
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NOTE: Im an un interested lazy bloke; un disciplined but curious; just enough to look through the door jamb to see what's out in life and what I might be missing.
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Dedication problems;
This can be broken down into 2 parts; First; Getting up to speed " allowing the opportunity to be ready to open the door"; And secondly; The interest and follow through in pursuing the development of " dedication".
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Determined on how far back in the ally way I am from the restorant of life; I may have to start out on the other side of the green river... Ill have to imagine foot steps crossing the river; and soon with my inner beings help; my higher power; God universe Holy one; God will began to strengthen my thoughts; soon Ill see and feel and know a bridge is crossing the river and at some point Ill cross it in my imagination. Once on the other side; Ill set up a small village on the rivers edge and start from their.
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The sacrifice for the Interest and follow through to pursue the development of dedication of a thing; Thats what Im working on right now.
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How do I become " THAT GUY"; That Guy that is working at something 18 hours a day he believes in; or; I just believe in believing and taking the responsibilities that go with it. How do I break through the past into that guy. That's what I'm most interested in working with the universe concerning!
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What am I working on right now? Im working on prayer on my face for every altered thought going through my skull that will not help me or that is diverse of my primary target; " dedication".
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What do I want; I want to be good at Dedication; I want to practice the skills of dedication: I want to be developed at Dedication. I want that dedication process down and figured out regardless of the subject Im dedicated to...
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What are some short sighted areas Ive unearthed about myself blocking my ability to become dedicated.
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One area; " I GIVE UP" " ITS NOT WORTH IT"; The problem with this statement is; Nothing is ever worth it until Ive become dedicated enough to work at something long enough to see some results or produce something I can see and feel in my hands...
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So; Im a very beginner to dedication; and that is demoralizing and its demoralizing to admit.
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Most of my problems in my life with relationships and activities; I was not dedicated to anything and thus I never worked at anything.
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WHy?
Why didnt I work at anything?
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I could never foresee if I was going to be ripped off or swindled or conned.
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I never trusted the people I wanted to build dedicated relationships. THus; Therefore; I stopped any and all involvement in relationships; that way I could be right and safe. However, I was not happy. And their; the dilemma.
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I never bothered any dedicated work ethic to yet another failed activity that would get me nowhere in life. The problem was; Thus; I never attempted any activities. And thus; I never developed any; or ever got beyond the dabling state of an activity.
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Im not happy; Im not happy because I talked myself out of Happenings; being part of anything. How can I be happy if Im not part of Happenings... Its like; Im not living any life; Im right but Im not happy!
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Its better to be happy then it is to be Right! This is an interesting philosophy. This is my battle.
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NOTE; Its an interesting concept because it doesn't suggest I am equal in Right and Happy; it suggests Happiness is a much better and smarter and healthier alternatives to life then being right. IT also suggest that the deepest part of wisdom agrees. And this tells me that Happy Is safer then RIght. And that being Right is not a protective conclusion; Being Right can get me killed while Being Happy can get me safe! IT seems almost a fundamental wisdomic concept.
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NOTE: Ill pray for Happiness to the universe; Ill write stories about being happy; not right... Man; This is going to be interesting.
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My battle are the walls that keep me secluded and safe and right but not Happy! I want to bust through those walls and live.
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One area of chance taking that must be gambled is; Dedication.
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The problem with dedication has been; Im putting out a whole lot of time and interest in one focused area; What if I dont get any return; its the ultimate rip off! I would be ripped off! ANd that sucks...
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So; Ive taken the short end of the stick... The playing it safe end of the stick; when Id rather be on the other end where life is exciting and meaningful.
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So; Im in the process right now to learn how to be dedicated at something... im doing allot of praying on my knees and meditation is a good thing to start with; lots of prayer on my knees to keep to the strait and narrow of dedication to my subject of interest choice...
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Ive always found a way to slip out into the darkness so I never got caught in the trap of doing something for nothing; the problem is; I never did anything and thus I never got anything out of my life. Now; Im attempting to want something better for myself; but it requires certain types of character not developed; Dedication.
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