May 2025
April 2025
At a meeting; When I give back what I learned yesterday; what the universe gave me and opened up to me; and I go to a meeting and I share it; and I give credit to the universe; THe next day; everything opens up for me; new information and I continue down my pathway..
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So;
At a meeting; The universe opened up an idea for me; a great one. Because Ive been in the recovery process for so very long and I continue to go back into the recovery process; daily and continue with my recovery; Today the universe unveiled something for me.
Because Im getting quite good at expressing my inner deeper feelings at meetings; Suddenly the universe made something apparent to me.
IF I can share my inner frustrations at meetings openly; what does this mean? Its like a self contained family system where I let everything out. Heres the question; if I can let everything out at meetings; why would I need to let everything out with a person Im in a relationship with; I wouldn't. What does that mean? Would I need to share shame and guilt and frustration to a significant other; actually; No!; Not at this time! NO! WHy? Because I have a whole regulated daily system for sharing everything; sometimes 3-4 times a day if I want it in the form of 12 step meetings; If I want to pull someone over and talk to them I can do that as well; or get rides to meetings and share; get some phone numbers and share...
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I can use the meetings as a secondary expression family system; a real one self contained; Ive earned it; and thus; the pressure would be off when dating someone or in a relationship because I have outlets; I dont have to load someone else down with my past stuff; only because I dont have to... Lots of people do have to; I have this extra benefit in life not all people have access to; Im very lucky. I get to express myself at meetings Im securely part of for many years.
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NOTE: This is not a new idea of recovery family being a secondary family; what is new is the level an conditions granted to me by the universe at this advanced stage in recovery of this family concept. Im at an advanced stage of development for recovery being a family system; the advantages Im getting are not something the newcomer or seasoned recovery person is going to understand... WHat Im getting is strait from the universe; these are secret insights for those ready for them or who need them.
Its not all perfect;
IVe been at meetings where half the room hates my guts because I speak the way I want to and about what I want to... Im dealing with demented people; I suck it up! Ive found that most people half my age; many of them; dont respect me because they are just to young. People in their 20's; many of them act hostile around me; they cant respect me; its just 2 far a drop.... No problem...
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This is a great relieving concept... The idea that the recovery process has turned into such an asset while Im in relationships outside in the real world.
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FIRST LOVE: The goal with my first love is to thoroughly clean out that garage; all of it until the windows are open and all secrets and resentments and fear and pain are gone... Is this possible; Yes! As long as I realize that an imbalance of power occured. No one should have power over me the way that person did; I gave them that power of almost life or death over me... If they loved me I was happy; if they dumped me I would kill myself; Thats to much. Thats God status level; or A young child to their parents status level. The point is; way to much power was given that person; If I lose that peson; it should be; I have myself and I have God and many other things in my personal life right now; no big deal if I never see that person again; And thats where its leading and I have been making headway; but I was really brainwashed; trauma bonded by this person. I dont think it was all their fault entirely; I walked into their life with the need for my parents.. And I had the matanility of a 3 year old; she this girl took over the role of my parents; in my mind! I actually accidently prayed to her numerous times; its taken allot of work to get her name out of that slot where I would put "Higher power" " Jesus" " Universe"...... Shocking experience; I can see my life can come back; I have permission from God to move on; God will supply all new people and places and things..
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Quest; Ongoing educational classes. My o my; Plenty of on going Art classes of all kinds; fantastic... Art is one of my primary interests. So these classes would fit into my life perfectly. And how much are they? About 100$ for 8 weeks. I could try one or even 2 classes... I could call time experience a college quarter... same kind of thing.. The classes are several hours each class. So one or 2 classes like this a week. BAM; their is the social outward into the world experiences I was looking for. Perfect. This will be my next step of its kind. Community college classes for old people. The really cool thing is my interest in Art. I mean; I already have a huge interest in creating art!
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Art;
Going well.
VIDEO GAMES;
Going well.
PLASTIC MODEL KITS;
Going well.
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Concerns;
Weight loss.
I have been sticking to a kind of diet based on Apple cider vinegar; with mother! Thats an ingredient "Mother'; Thats what its called.
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So; Im biking much more now; again; kind of back into it....
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So; its up to me how much I want to lose weight through biking and how much through diet...
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Relationships;
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Well; Ill keep at the work Im doing right now to relieve the pressure of the past failed relationships... Allot of this had to do with no functioning in the school system and work system and not being a part of any neighborhoods...
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So; Ive got techniques Im working on to work through the past. Ill just keep working at them...
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