June 2025
May 2025
Still sick; lay lo… Keep working with God…
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Maybe for the first time; Im starting to address some core issues of betrayal from when young that were way over my innocent mind. Maybe now; Im trusting God more and willing to go deeper with God; as I no longer believe in anything outside of God anymore…. Or outside my imagination…
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Ive not been protected; meaning; I thought I was being protected when very young; so I allowed myself to dream. In reality I was never being protected; I was being fooled by the people I was living with; they were pure evil; pure monsters…. Right out of Hell…. From Hell… Satanic… Demons; Murderers; The real kind…. That means I had no one there for me but didn’t know it…
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So; Altho I allowed myself to open up and dream; I was being fooled by my surroundings; they were never safe. And some of the houses I visited were never safe outside the house I lived in. But I didn’t know that.
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So fooled was I by this evil; I spent years around people I thought were my friends; but they were never my friends; they were so sinister in nature; pure evil; to fool someone like myself… 2 faced is not the word for it; Sociopath from a very early age… no conscious. Pure evil. I was being lied to and fooled the whole time with no authentic reality that anything was wrong or different then it should be. I thought I was totally safe; I was never safe from the first moment I met any of them; they were playing me and pretending to be my friends; they were using me the whole time as long as they could get away with it. That means not a murmur; Nothing going my way; Meaning; they never let on anything was wrong or that they were secretly against me; Never saw it; I was a small child…
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I created a whole family system out of some of these people and their families and they were never on my side; it was all a lie. All of it! And I never knew it. They verbally said and and made it seem I was part of their families… Or; someone did… Looking back. My best friend never said he was even my friend; nothing. They would allow me to ramble on about things as if I had this wonderful acceptance; but in reality I was never wanted…. But I never new….
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The people that were suppose to be my friends; were not! They though I was trash below them; but when I introduced myself to them; they acted cool and collected like we could be friends.. No issues; nothing… like they were nice people.
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I never thought about it; I just thought I was making friends; but I wasnt. They were never my friends.
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Ill keep writing on this until the real deeper truth comes out.
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From the start they were my enemies who were fooling me; No Friends; They did not respect me or look up to me or want to help me or see me as any valuable person…
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Im mad because I could have found others friends. I didn’t know these people were against me from the start; but they were sinister… I was being used very quietly and deliberately. No one said a word.
But after a certain age; they pulled the plug on it; and I didn’t even know that either… Meaning the Mother and Father… Meaning the Mother and Father were using me to baby sit their son. I was just a token fool to them that was stupid enough to wonder into their trap in the first place; they would care less who I was. But much worse; the son was in on it as well. The Son was in on it as well; Unbelievable.
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That means the thousands of hours I logged in with that person; spending time with him; they were all in vain; all faked by this person. I was not building any relationships with anyone; they were fooling me. I had no idea; nothing… I was destroyed and devastated… I meant nothing to these people. I had no idea; they had completely fooled me…
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That means all the camping in the backyard the stay overs; the food, being able to come over early or stay late; all of the generosity and niceties; they were all faked; They would continue this facade until their boy was a certain age and they felt he was properly socialized… meaning; he got the socialization he needed; Then they would dump me as if they had never met me; The boy was in on it as well. I thought of him as closer then a brother… I had no idea; nothing; Thats what so sick about this… He wasnt my friend. He was never my friend.
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Who in their right minds when a child; hangs out with another child who does not want to be friends with him; What Im trying to say is; It was brutally horrible and sinister to do this to another child; for him; the kid I wanted to be friends with and his parents… None of them liked me or respected me; They could care less; they were just using me… Thats all it was; I would have had no idea… and I didn’t… Its a crime against a child; against me. I mean; its amoral.
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I didn’t even know small children could be in on this kind of thing; but he was; pure evil from the start… unbelievable. Later in life Im going to find out about all of this; and then Im going to leave on my own under Gods care…
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I just had no idea these people would do this; and they did not like me or want me or respect me; Nothing; I had no idea; and why would I. What a bunch of weirdo's. I had no idea thats what these people were. I was being fooled the whole time…
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Anyway; Ive talked about all of this 100 times.
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But when young; all of this was way over my head when I began to find out; and realized what had happened; that I had no friends here; I was just being used by strangers who never wanted to know me in the first place. They didn’t care about my life; my life was expendable to them. They were cheap opportunistic with a fake facade… Unbelievable……...
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STARTING TO HEAL>
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Im now starting to heal from it a bit; Its small; earned! But its happening; Ive seen a nudge up the scale; back to my independence. ; Im more able to real back from it; come back from it a bit; stand back up on my own 2 feet again; shake it off, start over; and be myself again… And that is truly a bloody miracle; All from God…
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I didn’t write this story or history today just to get my feelings out. I wrote this first section of this writing for some clarity of the past…
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The most important aspect of this story is; Authentic healing. What does this mean; It means the original me under God; I see myself at those peoples houses when I was a child; I see myself being fooled and manipulated and led on; then dumped; and Now for the first time; things are starting to reverse; those people are starting to unwind within my imagination; go backwards; because God is pulling me out of that situation and save me. It happened but Im getting rescued and brought back to my original place with God as if Those people don’t own me and they never existed; God owns me and I own me under God… With Gods care and help. A new history is being created from the first day I was born of a new pathway where these people don’t exist; as if they were never born or they were never born into my pathway….
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God is the one that is working with me now! God is the one Im working with….
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God owns me not these people. In the past; for most of it; I was dissociated from it; it was to much pain when I realized they were never a part of my real life; they had lied.. I was numb and I walked around half cut off from myself; Now God is helping me… or has helped me… God is helping me…. Working with me…
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Actually; God got me out of there early. I mean; God opened my eyes and I stopped being fooled.
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The difference is this; Im with God not with them anymore… And no one is being fooled now! I know what those monsters are… And of-course; so does God… God got me out of there; but there will be a price. Their is a heavy price to leave Sodom and Gomorrah; I cant look back. I cant take anything with me; not if Im going into Gods Kingdom under Gods sovereign state. I cant look back or Ill be turned to stone…. Nothing is free; still must pay the heavy price…
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God knows this; God led me out of there when I turned to God…
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Things have and are getting reversed…
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I am no longer their friend; Now I am their enemy as it should be. Im Gods friend… And as I wake up emotionally under God; I see the evil within them… They were never someone for me to associate with in the first place…
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They were Wicked in the eyes of God; Bloody murderers… And Im lucky to be awake or Id still be fooled by them… and never know; but I have a God consciousness. And now I get to learn to live under Gods care; under the rules of the Universe…
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What does all this mean; This story today; It means Im now moving in a new direction; Im healing from it.
Im getting stronger; and I look bck with some God given wisdom and say; I would never even think about going to someone like that in the first place. In other words; I would see myself never going to that house or around those people and I would not missed out on anything.
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Im now in a new life with God and do not see myself ever going to someones house like that again; Instead I would ask God to protect me from ever meeting people like that; I would want to be completely insulated from ever being around scumbags like that… Im not fooled anymore… And God/Jesus/Universe/Holy spirit; This is where the power is; This is where the safety is… to be loved and protected…
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Am I saying all of this correctly… Im starting to get stronger on my own; Im not just dealing with the pain of lose of my childhood; or areas of my childhood. Now im starting to come back a bit with more sanity of better choices now. Now I will protect myself; Ill chalk up some of the problems of the past; Ill chalk them up to experience and move on; move on from those disgusting scumbags…
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Im I saying this correctly; all of this…
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Im free; or becoming myself again as if I never met those people… they have no value in my eyes; its not the other way around anymore; Im no longer fooled by these type of people anymore… They have nothing; they are pure evil….
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Im just lucky to be out of there… It was God that got me out of there. I had no idea what I was doing… I didn’t even now I was in harms way! Nothing! I was truly was 100% innocent and had no idea what was going on…
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IM TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING HERE…
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The miracle is happening… or there is a miracle at work here or its already happening.
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God is restoring me to me without any of these people from the past; as if they never manipulated me.
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I ESCAPED; Thats what Im trying to say; It didn’t work; They got me in the beginning; but I was able to escape; and in the end Im with God. I no longer believe those people.
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And they tried; their goal was to kill me in so many numerous ways; they did not care who I was. I was fooled; I had no idea who they were or that they were even playing a game on me….
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Im Free now! Well; not quit… But I am… Im free with the loneliness with it. Ill have to go back out and earn my friendships with real people this time. God will help me and show me… Ive kind of learned; stay on my side of the tracks; don’t get around people that think they are “ To Important in the world”; I may just get used and manipulated… God will help me; Im starting to see again and believe again as I did when I was a kid; In a good way; a great way!
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Im slowly healing back into my original self where I don’t need these people anymore. Where I know I never needed them in the first place. I had good intentions but these were the wrong people… I had a great intentions; but these were the wrong people.
I have good intentions of ideas of meeting great people; but these were not it; unfortunately; I did not have supervision when I met people; when I was young; I was all alone; I had ideas but no support. I was not on the right track. I simply met people at school my age when young and ended up at their houses and then taken advantage of…. I had no idea of any of this kind of thing when I was young; Nothing… and no idea it was going on around me… or to me: Or that I would ever run into such things…
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I thought I had met a friend that liked me and loved being around me and hanging out with me as much As I liked having him as a friend; But they did not; they were fooling me; even when they were brutally young… They were or it was pure evil… I never knew ….. I know now.
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NOTE: They never looked anything other then normal.
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But Im starting to heal; and this means a new direction under God; where I move forward with my life as I originally was suppose to under God; and at some point without memories of those people; accept to remember the wisdom of nightmares and never to forget; lest I repeat it… I don’t need to spend to much time on them. But I still remember. However.
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I did the work to save my soul; and it worked… But I had to let go of everything… and move into Gods Kingdom… under Gods sovereign state.
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Its happened several times where I end up around the wrong people; manipulated… And I find out the hard way; they were not what they appeared to be at first; they turn out to be demonic and sociopathic but covering it up. … Wicked.
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The people calls them Wicked; Wicked under the son; Gods kingdom…
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Am I saying this right; am I getting the most deepest feelings out of triumph and success. Im having success; in this case; success with God; God is on my side making things happen because Ive been on Gods side…
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So; I am safely under Gods realm… Thats whats occurring. Im getting the benefits of being with God…
Its not free; One has to work with God to let go of the other; of the places in the past I longed for but ended up demonic. I was pulled in with no idea what I had gotten into…. I was manipulated lied to… had no idea at the time…
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So; God rescued me but I also had to help; I had to work with God to let God help me do the work the techniques to let go of those people and places and things that were demonic; Go home; God back to God…
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NOTE: it still baffles me; all of this; that this is how people turn out in the world; meaning Wicked; they looked normal; I had no idea… When young; I didn’t know I couldn’t visit everyones house; it wasn't safe…
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Am I making myself clear….
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I get to go back home; as if I never met those people. And that is true victory! Really! Great; Peace… !
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This time in my imagination when I look back at myself in a classroom as a small child; I see this kid in the third row; This time; Ill let me go. Ill move myself to the other side of the room and never talk to him again or even once. Ill never go near him… and Ill focus on the teacher and the learning Im suppose to do… I wont make that mistake this time… if I went back in time; Things would be under God and much more protective…
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As for re developing life again; in the right way;
And Im fully great about that; because I get to start over and do things right this time… under God. And that means Getting to start out again new… and go out again into the world and try some things; This time under Gods closer reigns.
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So; I am authentically or have authentically worked my way out of that situation. That means I don’t anymore about who those people were; of being around them or their family.
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I wont have a best friend in my history anymore; Ill have to work with God for another picture of things… A new life…
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And I am doing that; working with God for another picture of things… amen… God help me…. God is helping me.
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Ive changed directions and given up Satan city; Im no longer fooled by it… Ill drop all of it; take the hardships and go another direction under God….. and keep my self and my self worth….. but there is a price to pay; nothing is free… Ill have to start over again as if I have no past… so; that means starting out in the beginning.
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And again; I had no idea I was being used or destroyed or played; These were master manipulators. My job is to learn from it and stay under Gods sovereign state.
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So; Im now just starting to become strong enough to stand up for a new me of development under God; it is happening; I mean; I can feel it; a strengthening is occurring…
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No matter how many memories I have of different family systems tearing me apart; I have a new strength from God under God the protects me and keeps me insulated from them and keeps my identity and my strength under God continues to grow as if im from another family system; one that loves me and protects me… and Im starting to see the changes… The real changes…
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NOTE: Im still scarred; its not over; My full mind is still no where near out of the past of those peoples houses; its still their slowly making its way out.
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Whats important; my soul belongs to God not them now… I was selling my soul to those people and not knowing it…
Now I know better and I don’t want to be their anymore…. And so Ive been traveling home to God more n more and Im more at home with God then ever remembering those people But Im still scarred…
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My Soul is with God; and most of me is home; and doesn’t believe; I still have some forms of grief to go through… Ill keep working on it under God; amen….
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NOTE; But do I have more grief; yes; but it might be the grief or reality of going it alone; They no longer are my friends; I was just used; and now; facing or dealing with being alone… kicked out and starting over again.
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And Im starting to see it; they were only going to keep me around a few years; not a life time. I just had no idea what was going on here. I thought I had met a friend for life; I was completely wrong and in the dark on this; amen.
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So; what do I do now!
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Keep working with God and always take things to God first; waiting upon God; for there is nothing else; no other passage ways; Nothing! I have to learn to work with God down God pathway; thats all there is… For God is the only power on earth; coming from the universe..
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