I remember as a kid the basics; the thoughts I believed in most of the time; my values that I took with me all the time; and I thought about them all the time; my love and trust of God; all the time; automatic.
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And Im starting to get that back as a way of life to be thinking about all the time. Im on my knees all the time praying for what I want...
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So; its starting to come back to me; Gods will not mine; saying this while in prayer though out the prayer constantly in addition to everything else; that is the way I want to live all the time; always praying and concentrating on getting on my knees and telling God Universe; Your will not mine; Gods will not mine; all day long. and Im starting to do it standing up will being present.
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Im beginning to say that the most important thing in my life is my values and constantly asking; Gods will not mine; telling God and myself in prayer on my knees or standing up all the time; constantly; GOds will not mine; for direction; That is all I want; that constant purposeful flow out of my mouth; GOds will not mine... putting it out before me has the most important thing; no matter what I do or where I go; its Gods will not mine; meaning; I shut my eyes; Gods will and spirit take over for direction constantly. That is whats most important no matter what. Had this once; Now im getting it back.
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As for the people of the past. Gods will for me was so off course; meaning; I was so off course from Gods will; I was heading out on a limb that would brake at some point and I would fall into the abyss and never come back and thats what happened over n over n over; down n down n down I went until I never returned. I was gone...
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I did not bring myself back; God did. I simply called out to God... thats all I did all the time and go where the relief would be. That was the direction from God; still is.
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Im getting close; Im not back yet; still have major bullies and criminals who were hiding in respectable positions; I still have to deal with them; there memories and allow God to help me get to that frequency and face them; face myself.
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As for middle class ism; I dont know. Ill keep praying for it and about it. Keep praying for what I want. Keep it up.
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I think right now Im focusing on music making; song writing; creating songs.
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Song writing;
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God has brought me song writing as a starting place. A therapeutic place to build skills; to practice those skills that are similar for a career person in a field of choice; One thing I like about the arts; they can be practiced as a second career choice because they can be developed to the level of a profession. Yet; still be a hobby not necessarily for money; However; its always good to talk to God about money and do things for money. Im just suggesting the arts can be shaped into something that fits many hats for a person. In my case; God is using it to help me learn skills; the discipline of working for something to get better at it without any reward of outcome to start with; Ill have to learn to enjoy the work and the journey; I just will. And if Im scared of it; Ill get on my knees every 5 minutes until I finish what I started. I can accomplish something in 5 minutes... and then Ill stop and pray; and start again for another 5 minutes.. and Ill do this for as long as I want and then stop for a longer time; taking a brake from things. And slowly Ill learn how to write lyrics and memorize them.
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Song writing for me is lyrics; the writing of such things and memorizing the words; then I add chords. and write the song. The reason is because I have such dissociation with writing lyrics; finishing them; I have allot of past pain associating with this type of writing; the feelings expressed. However, Ill try it for 5 minutes at a time; and pray in between.
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I will have to pray for what ever I end up with to be all right; It wont be rocket science work; it will be something simple and basic; something just good enough to put to some musical chords and go sing...
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And there's the fight.
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Im not there yet. Not yet; still hurt; still in shock over what happened to me when young; I still havent landed on earth yet in the present concerning being back home; meaning being present again and in charge of my life...
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I still need to go to 12 step meetings; yet; that will slow down at some point as I get better; but Im not there yet.
The goal is to make the switch from 12 step groups back into the real world; and thats happening right now. its brutal new and slow. And it hurts a whole lot as I open up place vulnerable to reality. Its forcing me,.
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Ill have to make a list of how I want to live outside in the real world. How I want to feel and where I want to go who I want to meet. I just want to feel and be safe...