June 2025
May 2025
2 areas to look at; a first of there kind sorta...
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First bulling; relating bulling starting in the 5th grade; but then really hitting in the 6th through the 12; and much by the same person or persons... Never saw it that way; but can now sum it; ruined any school experience I would have had; never safe... and in a state of terror and shock the whole time and without any way of knowing what to do... I just didnt; I was all alone; I had no one... in a state of massive shock. ANd being bulling last year for about a year at the 12 step groups; didnt expect that either... same thing to... Ill have to think about that one... See if I want to do anything about that. Im a grown man; I let it go because of the meetings.
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Letting go of the girl up the street;
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THis is a new one for me;
It seems the energy has turned. Im now feeling really sorry concerning the girl up the street as Im praying for forgiveness from God for every knowing her leading her on or abandoning her and anything else I can find. but I still feel a bit arrogant. I know something isnt right here. Or was right there; during the time. Im still attached through arrogance; but in a lot of ways; Im not.
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THe girl up the street; is the first girl I loved. However, in reality; this is a horror show and never happened; and maybe thats part of what Im embarrassed about. Nothing ever happened so the girl up the street never really interacted with me in the way a boyfriend does; I chickened out and never touched her or told her. ANd by not touching her or telling her; that was the rejection in itself.
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And part of the next blog on her will be about not touching her and why? When I didnt make a pass at her or tell her why or why not; or where I was coming from; I came off as a guy that didnt trust her or myself and I was a wierdo with no reason to be around her or her family as I had changed my mind.
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The main point of this blog is; My God; Im now talking from a point of view of saying goodbye to her because IM FINALLY LEAVING> WOW; could this actually be happening; Finally beyond resolution of the situation and Ive left and started a new life in the present. Yes; I mean; Im the one saying goodbye and not regretting anything; its like; GET ME OUT OF HERE!
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I am talking to God so I can have closer; seems Im still hooked by her but only because of? is it me or her!
I never had a chance around any human being before when young...
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The bulling was the silent ghost or horror show in the middle of the room; that thing I was in denial about. it was going on the whole time but there was nothing I could do about it and no one to tell. It didnt matter and it didnt matter anyway my life was over. but looking back; it went on for 6 years... no wonder I Was so torn up.
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What happened to a year ago was the same thing; it caught me by Suprise; I didn't want to call the police; when it started. Ill pray about it. its happened before in ways; but this was authentic stalking of another person; same thing that happened in high school and junior high.
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So; thats another issue; bulling; its humiliating to talk about but I will; its just a horrible demoralizing past where I was a loser and a weakling... everyone was abusing me and could not fight back; teachers and the school system doing the same thing; I didn't fight back. Ill talk to God about it and keep writing about it later.
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For now.
The odd situation of turn arounds; I'm the one now saying goodbye to the girl up the street from my past.
If anything else I can say; this is why I kept at it; writing about it. Its strange and freeing that this would happen.
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SO; what does it feel like being on the other side of things; Ive been a victim of this for so long. Now; Im on the other side because I have a life in the present and I know people and am making mistakes with them and working with them and calling them back an holding my own and stuff.
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When I woke up a few minutes ago; late for my meeting; I missed my ride from the snowy streets; I tried calling; hope they are not mad at me; maybe they are.
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I woke up with this feeling of owing the person while I woke up. it was guilt; like I mis led them or used them or hurt them or betrayed them abandon them; destroyed any relationship possibilities; led them on and used them; walked away instead of becoming there boyfriend like I was suppose to.
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And maybe Ill keep writing about what happened that stopped me from becoming there boyfriend because that stuff is stopping me today from trusting getting into any relationships. So;its more fear.... fear fear fear...
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OK; anyway; I feel a sense of guilt about that person; and Im not sure its honest; I assume its my ego; I feel bad now as I wake up from what happened then; that I led on someone I actually liked and turned on them and never planned any of that; its like a whole new thing; it was never open at the time; I introduced it and ruined everything. I was suppose to love the girl or be her friend; was I; I dont know; I see fear. but was I and I just chickened out. But; the work done on letting her go suggests I should have ran and gotten out of there; but the original me and situation suggests I go out with her? to much over whelming fear; and Ill talk about that later.
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So Im still hooked on her; but Im not; I mean; Im not wanting to be; I already opted out. Meaning Ive let go of the past; Im with God in the present; but not all of me; something has a tether line hooked to her when it shouldn't be; its like an ego slam I have not let go of.
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But what's great is the rest of me or the core of me is gone. I don't believe in it anymore; Im gone; moved on! well; that's not the right words for this. Worked through something that was killing me. And it looks like I finally worked through it. And that's the honest truth. I worked though it and she is no longer anything but the past... almost. its not like that.
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I feel like I turned on someone that loved me and trusted me. But in reality; she didn't maybe. But she really wanted to and did and I hurt her; and that's not what I wanted to do but couldn't help it. But that's B_LLS__T; I knew exactly what I was doing and it was pure escape goat ism and evil; pure coward-ess; and I was loving hurting her and abusing her; I loved it... maiming her personality. taking it out on her; I loved every minute of it.
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So; a part of me snapped and went back into abuse mode and that scared me; I never actually abused anyone; I did; I turned on her and ran away and never came back until a much rainy day; and still continued to play the victim; so I was still playing the game not facing anything... and still bothering her; no self respect on my part; I should have just gotten out of there.
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Obviously I didnt want to go out with her I just wanted to get out of there; but why; was she not good enough or was I holding something against her.
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And all of this is great and all; that Im talking about it. But thats not what this blog is about.
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Its a celebration; IM FREE! ITs working. I mean; Its like; no more tether lined hooked to this person. Nothing; something is still hooked. My denial about my real feelings about her; maybe the honest love I felt her and she is gone... and the hurt and the later abuse in my life and she wasn't there; I had no one.
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I want a clean and clear slate. I want to start over with nothing connected from the past.
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So; it was a great and wonderous thing to wake up and feel guilt for leaving her because Im gone; Im out of there.. Im not interested anymore. Shes a stranger now I owe nothing to. Nothing; I mean; Im a different person now; Im the same real me but not the me that is connected to her... Im out of there. No thanks; I like myself way to much today and I have relationships going in several different directions today that Im interacting with now; so; Im learning how to deal with them with all the mistakes I make. These are not romantic relationships; not yet; and thats for another blog at this point; Ill deal with that later.
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So; again I woke up feeling the tether line still hooked into her but not the horrible shame guilt pain; but its still connected and its about my lying about the situation; trying to be cool and not face up to the truth. Something. I really liked her and did not feel good enough to have her and ran off; or something and blamed her to save face; but that whole thing was not an act of someone that actually likes someone; that is an act of someone stalking someone and bulling them manipulating them; and wondering where all that came from; why did I turn into that.
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How could I have turned into that.
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So; again; looking at how I felt when I got up; I prayed about the guilt feeling I felt; was it guilt or remorse; I think its remorse and lying; treachery. I guess I hate myself for bungling the only time I actually loved someone and through it away like a fool in this life; no one else to blame on that one; Ill have to take that to God; which I felt like a hopeless loser so what's the point.
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I had not one to turn to for anything; I was always completely alone; always; no one. thrown away. No matter what. ANd I never opened up to anyone... never was going to. Never trusted anyone ever.
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I could have trusted that girl; and I didnt; and that was not her fault; she would have been my best friend but I through it away. Im still working with God on it; or I would say Im taking it to God or have been taking it to God and working on it more n more with God opening the best I can handle it; because its gruesome.
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I felt like a predator just playing someone to get my kicks and then suddenly the real evil me shows up and destroys everything; When in real life I just wanted a friend and I found one or created one and then throw it away. What does that say; LOSER; no one come near.
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I have guilt; how I can I go to God and ask GOd to do this again without first fixing who I was from the last time. Its never been fixed and neither was I.
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However; it looks like God is coming thought and rescuing me from myself and helping me listening to me and working with me and Im letting go or its already happened.
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The problem is I feel remorse because I secretly liked stalking her and being mean to her and setting her up like an innocent victim where I had power over my captive and I used her and abused her and set her up and was mean to her and through her away onto the streets where she can rot and die.!
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SO; obviously I had some ill feelings toward her. Maybe she wasn't the nice girl I thought she was.
Maybe realized this and ran for my life.
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Ill get it figured out.
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Again; the most important issue was or is; I woke up with feelings of remorse for what I may have done to her and not worked out yet but she was now someone I was not connected to; she was from the past because Im living a new life now with new connections in the present. Id naturally let go completely but I cant yet because Im still lying about my connection to her at some distant level; I really hurt her because I was trying to look good or tough or act the bully abuser to puff myself up; I had a victim and chance to hurt someone I could get away with; no one would know about it accept me; and that's the criminal in me; Dr Jeckel Mr Hyde.
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I wasnt man enough to tell her how I felt; THere it is. ANd that has to be looked at in another blog.
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SO again; the most important aspect of all this work is completed... Im on the other side. She is a tumb in a grave from yester year; but something has got remorse tied to her and I have to work with God on that so I can let go of this nightmare horror evil show from the past that I am way to good for now! I just want to be safe; and in all things I can take it to GOd.
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And some how I was also taking out on her that I had lost my family and the house I lived in and I was taking it out on society; and she was the victim picked to take it out on; I turned on her suddenly its not personal with her anymore; she represents the society that so hurt me or ripped me to pieces and there's no way Im going to like someone from that bunch of murder'rs./ And so I secretly stopped my person interest in her and turned on her; because this is the only way I could get away with it; underhandedly. I thought I could get away with it. The problem is; I didn't have enough guts to tell her this; all my feelings and hold on to her. She was worth it; and that why I was practicing evil because I loved it so; and it backfired and I lost her... The ego part is; I never thought I would ever lose her; I thought I would be with her for ever... She was the one. I was not suppose to be betrayed either. And then I realized all of this stuff was in my head and all she saw was this strange guy showing up to her house and doing nothing.
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And you know what; I dont have to worry about because Im not there anymore.
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However; obviously; altho; I still have to keep this grave site open; even tho its a dead relationship from years ago; God rest our souls; God rest her soul; but it still must be kept open until I can understand more of what happened here so I can become more gutsy in the present.
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So; God is working with me. and Im over the top on this but there is still a dead tether line hooked to her; its like remorse for the dead; a death I caused; a dead relationship; not an actual person; I did not Kill an actual person; Im talking about a relationship that I killed; I murdered like a criminal because I was a criminal.
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SO; its like looking at a dead body and Im next to it and its in the grave; its a dead body; but Im still looked to that dead body; and I want to know why; because its over... its a dead body; they are dead and burying. So; no point ... So; I have remorse and Ill keep working on all this.
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The present isnt all that simple either; Im not totally responsible around others in the present. I get rides everywhere and Im not showing up for them and Im making allot of excuse calls to people for me not showing up. It takes more responsibility then I have at the moment to do this; but I still want to go to the meetings; Ill pray to God about all of this; that I can become more responsible before I destroy my connections again. do I even care; not enough. not yet; I ll learn.
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SO; the girl up the street was my friend and turned on her and become a vicious monster; but not to her face; I turned on her with contempt and pride saying " IM better than you" and walked off; like a criminal; a cowered. Not Maning up to what God gave me. Not ready i guess but not turning to GOd or to her about it. What will be different in the future...
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So; Im still connected to this dead relationship that has been dead and buried in the grave yard; and I want out of that grave yard because Im tired of being in it. I still feel sad and grief and remorse over what I did to her and me; so; that has to be un covered and dealt with; no MOVING ON or what ever nonsense; thats not how it works. THe bill still has to be pay'd. But its a bill for an old bill from 2o years ago; I mean... its been over along time ago. but its not; its not over even tho shes been dead for a long time. Im still attached to the grave... !!!!!
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