June 2025
May 2025
I had a wife; meaning people that wanted to marry me; I had career interests and choices; but I never went that direction; THe child in me within so much pain of abandonment and neglect and grief of his lost life; My lost life; I couldn't move forward; I no longer cared about life itself; I just wanted to die.
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Now; Ive come out of it a way bit; meaning; Im damn proud of myself DAMN; Who ever is reading this; you have absolutely no idea how Ive come out of this... Its not perfect; it just means those impossible situations that others are trapped by Im not; I was in them; I was crucified in them; I can see those places in my mind; and in allot of those places; Im solid again... My life was taken from me; and in many of those places; its back; regenerated back; Truly incredible. Give Jesus Christ the Credit. I was walking on water... God is responsible for everything. God is the reason for this continuous ongoing miracle. ANd in the next blog I explain my next move...
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However, Im at a place with a ruptured personality; It can hardly move; PTSD Dissociative disorder; live n well! AVPD working over time. Massive social phobias.
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Can I be married; Yes; I feel horrible about my beginning first life and the pain I caused others; MY God; it was almost as if I was a monster.. I mean; And I gained and felt pleasure torturing them by wielding power over them. Using them; spitting in their face turning on them; gas lighting them. I felt anger-pleasure; They were complete victims totally innocent! Broke my trust with them because I was a complete characterless coward of the first nature; the kind someone wants to send to prison and leave and get them out of society or get rid of them in the electric chair in the basement of some correctional institution. But it doesn't have to be that way. But I liked torturing them... I love it!
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I didn't know I would turn on myself and others and become a criminal in mind and deed. I was more dangerous with relationship trust then actually stealing anything.
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When it came to relationships; I slammed down the sledge hammer before anyone could do it first. I attacked first and ran away.
At some point I have to move on from the recovery meeting scene back into real life. I have to do this for several reasons.
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THe first; if I want to start a family or be part of a family; It must be with someone from the middle levels of society for that is where my values are...
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In the 12 step groups Ive attended Ive seen people of such a debased low nature it wasnt safe to be in the same rooms with them unless I came from the same prison. This makes it hard to sit in a room and get recovery; so I got to switch it up a bit at times; find myself at different meetings.
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THe problem is; within the recovery process their is no telling who is what? I dont know anything about those people accept they are in rooms to recovery for various problems and addictions. And these people want to be taken care of but dont want to take care of anyone else... And thats not the kind of people Im interested in.
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Because of the debased way I was treated; I have allot of warpage and I have not felt safe with the middle classes; they easily judge way to easy.
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So; I dont fit in with them. I certainly dont fit in with drug addict alcoholic situations. I just dont. Ive had allot of recovery process and Ive dealt with recovery in those rooms; My problems are more mental illness based around trauma at this point; But I still dont want to go drink. I did have some alcohol and drug use problems; mainly at the end of the use and that use for for trauma reasons. But those situations ended fairly quickly. Thus; I did experiment with those substances and I did end up abusing them and stopping them so I do relate and understand the basic problems of potential addiction with drugs alcohol. Ive kind of grown out of that now!
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The problem is; for the most part my value system is middle class and cultured( Not all of it). I end up freaking out those people in drug groups and alcoholics groups. My story is not the same... it has some similarities of anti socialism and dependency; low self worth and self esteem... Not carrying about life anymore.
The problem is; Im not a liar and thief and jail bird and rapist murder'r or did I receive 14 DUI's and kill someone driving...
IVe never been to a treatment center accept for mental illness.
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I have a bigger problem with co dependency and abuse.
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The biggest problem is; No trauma recovery groups for my problems; Ive had to mix in and fit in to all kinds of related groups.. So; IVe had to wear different recovery hats...
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I do not have the same values as drug addicts or alcoholics; Im not understood by alcoholics or drug addicts; not completely; Not completely. But I am... And they are the family I was given to help me grow in a second time and its working fine; its just a little strange..
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It would be better to be in general recovery for trauma.
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My biggest problem is reconnection with middle class society... Getting back into life again... I was stripped of trusting society in all directions and am trying to learn how to get up to speed in society to start my own independent life from the past. Im not there yet.
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If I can make the next major in roads to society; this will be a very important aspect of my recovery work.
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THE PROBLEM;
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The condition of not caring about my life anymore; throwing it away and letting others throw it away is still in me; The constraints of the condition; but around it is a whole new person wanting to experience and experiment with in his life again.
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Im kind of stuck right now. I still have the past PTSD and pain of the past people and places and things not worked out; But allot of things are; but things are not worked out; im still relieving many things.
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Its hard; I it a hard wall of brutal raging pain; its very thick hard concrete wall... So; things are still confusing.
When getting to close to answer for these problems; I automatically dissociate into another personality.
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So; I submerge without knowing it or without choice. Its like I black out and Im somewhere else.
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So; things are better but not in every area...
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I say this from the protection of my room and the computer on the desk Im writing into.
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However, you put me out side with people I drop 50%-75% in personal power... I do not stand up well. I get triggered and go into freeze mode and survival mode and stay that way... in this state when a women was interested in me; in one case; it took 25 years before I asked her out. And I wasnt even aware that it was 25 years; had been 25 years before I asked her out.. SO; girl likes me; 7 years before I can respond. Thats how long it took. I want to be safe; I have to work through it; Today Im learning to tell the other person Im going through this so they are not left in the dark... Thats the goal.
However, with the right people; Im not sure I have to wait this long to process everything to feel safe.
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So; lots of work here.
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I will say this; Ive worked on career stuff a bit; and relational past stuff a little more then a minute; so I am getting somewhere.
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Looking for the pathways and time to smash down some of that wall and gain some more confidence? self respect? boundaries? self love and self worth... Standing up for myself; not just defending myself in survival mode... ITs all good its all OKE: just saying... Not their yet!
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Will be working with the universe for car insurance gasoline maintenance and licensing. The goal is not to receive it first; but to receive the frequency and belief of it first; The journeys that I go down to get to a place of confidence; and at that stage the universe can work with me; Not that the universe cant work with me right now; but I got to learn how to believe.
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NOTE; At the bank; sat down with this women bank person at here desk... I did OKE; I mean; its 50% better then before. SO; I am changing but still lost; but better. I was able to feel just a little bit of inner intimacy safety and comfort; so I am coming back to reality.
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ITs so strange; not know what happened to me; I know what happened but the condition of not being able to be around people. I felt half safe with this person; as this person represents being back in the middle-classes again; back with normal people again... Before I was completely cut off when young.
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Music is starting; I dont know yet where its going. Im suppose to write it and create a performance of it and go perform it; give it back to the people; thats what its for.
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NOTE: As I get better; the traditional 12 step groups Ive been going to will not work; they are not accepting me because Im getting better.... But I have an answer for that in my next blog...
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