June 2025
May 2025
Ive had no one…
In my research and work on self in the recovery process; First Love was a drastic outreach to anyone that would listen or help or rescue; or show the possibility of escape to a new start…
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The problem was; in a state of desperation Ill take anyone; and I did; was starving and run down emotionally spiritually mentally.. Deprived for long long time… I had no one and no stability; nothing. So I reached out or ran to anyone that would take me; anyone with an open door. I had nothing but the past memories. I had no one… nothing…
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So; when meeting First Love; First love could have been anyone; and it would have been anyone that looked my way; given me a chance or any reason; meaning to keep the door open and not shut it in my face; it didn’t matter to me who they were; only that they didn’t ask me to leave… That I wasnt rejected; that I could stay.
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I concocted an idea that God had sent me up their to help someone; thats what I told myself; it was all God; we would help each other; but what I didn’t know; I was severally mentally ill; run down; broken and broken down; desperate and delusional. I was in no position to help anyone and I had no idea who I was talking to or dealing with..
THE WAS NOT A FRIEND OF MINE!
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This will never be a friend of mine; This is not a friend of mine; nor ever could be; this was a complete stranger I did not know; someone not like me; someone without my values. Someone who did not cherish me or take any interest in me… Someone that did not or would never love me or even really like me; had no value for me. Did not see me as worth their time or worth anything to them. I did not know this.
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Technically; anyone in their right mind would first check to see the kind of person they were dealing with; I did not! I was dealing with a complete stranger that felt nothing for me; was not attracted to me. Did not care that they had met me; did not care if they ever saw me again; and did not care when they did see me; felt nothing for me; And they never thought about me when I was gone… ( I have information to believe this; fairly good argument for this). Its my belief I was dealing with a stronger and they stayed a stranger.
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They did nothing wrong; Absolutely nothing! One day someone opens up a door and I appear with a relative of theirs; this does not mean we will be friends nor Im invited back nor any potential exists between us; it did not. It also does not suggest this person was interested in meeting or anyone at that time either… Meaning; That person had their own life they had no interest in meeting me or getting to know me; they had no interest in me at all.
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It was in my fabrications that I created this delusion of the idea that just because I was in the same room with someone; they may like me or take an interest in me. NOT SO; DIDNT HAPPEN… SO SORRY!
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I was literally delusional; Im still delusional and broken. Im just now coming out of this insanity… Im now seeing I had no non of the close friends I thought I did when young… I did have some friends and I appreciate it; but several of them I thought were closer friends or going to be important people in my life; stunned; I was just being used; I was never accepted by anyone; and no one saw my worth; Nothing. And non of these types cared anyway. I went to them; they never came to be be friends. I was under the delusion they wanted or needed my friendship the way I did; I was wrong; they could care less who I am… but I never knew that. I thought I had value to them because I met them or would visit them; wrong; I had no value to them; they never thought about me; I meant nothing to them; they could careless that I came by or who I am. And they never wanted to see me again; could care less; that's how they felt. I was shopping for friends in the wrong side of the store… I never knew.
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I was the nicest kid in the whole world; the most decent sensitive kid; No one cared! I thought I would have value to these people; I was naive and did not understand; they had their own families and didn’t me; didn’t need to meet me or no me… Non of this ever occurred to me. I just didn’t think like that… They Didnt need me for anything; they had everything they needed. These were the wrong people to associate with. I was just as smart; just as bright with sensitivity, intellectualism… depth. What I didn’t understand; They were not lost or in want. They were fine; they never came to my house; and would never… They didn’t need to; they had all kinds of options.
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Am I kind of making myself clear; All of these names of these past strangers; they all start to meld in together; nameless faceless; all with a deeper social anthropological historical meaning of a specific personal time period. Unearthing this history; creating and seeing layers of the past of specific uncoverings; and thus; They belong to one big face; It was a time of being thrown away with no way back… in desperation I kept reaching out to strangers thinking it was normal; It was all I could do to survive.. However; I was never accepted. I had watched TV sitcoms as a boy thinking the world was like a TV sitcom; It never turned out that way. I was in intruding outsider looking for emotional help; thats all I was; No one was interested… If anything; they had contempt and no interest. Most of those families didn’t need one more person from the outside joining them. Sure; for awhile they let me hang out; for awhile; but soon it got old. They had no desire to see me again. I was like a Hobo hanging around on the porch with no place to go; finally they told me to leave…
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And in the cruelty of reality; A Hobo will be all they ever saw; I was never accepted… Ever; By most… By the people I really thought I had a future with; I was completely wrong. I was incompetent and lost from mental illness and other problems. I was very much gone and not present… I started hiding in drugs after all the failed friendship attempts.. I never even got a footing in the door with anyone; Nothing; even when I thought I did; I never even made it past the front yard; but never knew… When I finally woke up; I kind of ran off; ran away from their; from those people; and dissociated from the pain…
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I was never accepted regardless of who I am…
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IM NOW WAKING UP…
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Im seeing it; feeling it. Im really grateful to wake up. I know from experience; this certainly is not the way for many; meaning; Im lucky; I get to kind of heal and have a better attitude and accept and move on and start again with a much different mind set… a mind set of starting over in more humble beginnings; Kind of me; 12 step groups and God… And with help of sponsors at times and a more austere approach to my final days on earth; I actually get a kind of clean start and a new normalized sobor accepting approach to things; sanity of sorts… Not living in the past; not ruminating… Instead an acceptance that the world was not my lottery; I never won; but; Who Cares; I won in other ways. Ive got God running the boat and Ive won in many many important ways; ways that can guarantee me a kind of pristine life experience.
I certainly never thought I would end up this way; kind of doing Oke for myself and well; OK… Ive figured out the past and Im living in the present and ready and willing to start over or start a new life at a given moment as I work with GOD… Im fine; Great! No problem with that. I get it; I know; no one owes me anything; and certainly no strangers from the past from the world owe me anything… Strangers I tried to get help from; but they were strangers… and they cannot be held accountable.. They were not city employees working for the state to help the lost and broken hearted…
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So; what I was looking for would have to come from Agencies set up by the state to help poor people! …. Poor in several bankrupted ways… what ever that might mean.
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So; I was certainly one of them… lost and destroyed…
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So; here I am.
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Now what?
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SO; HERE I AM NOW:
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So; starting from a few years back as I moved into a better acceptance and awareness with in my recovery; Ill explain what Im doing and my goals with my final days on earth. Im not a young man… Im legally old… But Im not OLD! Not really; not inside; Im just getting started on my new life..
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So; I get a new shot at things;
How does it feel; it feels like Im back on my street as a kid as if id never left; and have no experiences yet; I can go in any direction I and God see fit for me. I get to literally do life again from the beginning; this is a present from God… For I get presents from God for working with God and bowing to God for help all the time. And this is one of the inheritance’z I get from God; Hard earned but I earned it. SO; here I am.
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Im like a much later middle aged old age-edged - age 8 year old, that gets to start over… I start over as if Im 8. That means everything is looking up; because thats the only direction I have; I can go and Im in… ( Smiling!); What do I want to make of this life… it will be entirely up to me and God 100%……….
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Activities;
The processes that created activities are the learned developments before the one is good at the trade; meaning; All of those years of studying about a things and how to live actively and in activities; How to mature into them… The process of such things and the developmental explorations that develop and harness the potential of person; These have been re vittolized in my recovery process and expanded through brute grit and working hard tirelessly, to point that well; With Gods help; Ive broken down the walls; and Im back to basic normal.
This means; if I was 12 year old kid that wanted to learn how to play the guitar; there is a chance Id have the training and learning skills to adapted to the requirements of practice and dedication to a thing; the sticking power to follow through… Follow along the learning brick road to a thing; Can I do this; Yes; its proving that the methods of recovery applied to such broad general goals as the concept of Activity; looks like Ive succeeded. GREAT. Im back! Well; Im back at the level of a 12 year old; That means Im legally starting over from scratch; from the beginning.
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Im like a fish that in his regular life found himself running over a waterfall never to be seen again. And suddenly God intervened; caught me; brought me to a new pond or lake; turned me into a young fish again with no experience but with an innocent heart and allowed me to not remember the past; and start over… I remember the past but don’t have have to…. Its not attached ot me.
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The problem; Altho I get to start over; that means I still have to relearn or learn for the first time; Things! And life is still treacherous and risky business; I could still end up getting crushed again in this new life; And I don’t want that. So; Im working with God now; on directions.
I do not want to go in bad directions anymore… Their must be a way to go in good directions and not find myself in the wrong side of the dark Forests in lands I know nothing about; where I get lost and caught in dead ends with no place to hide or sleep or run.
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So; things are looking up for me. God has re ran the clock backwards and taken me with him. What will I do different this time.
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However; my ability to participate in activities with some of the mental health problems I have; Im back; Ive broken through some of this; and I have a clear channel to participate and develop and get better without the fear of life involving itself to a point where I have to run and hide… Im able to activate and practice at it.
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So; In Activities; at basic but functioning levels; I would not say adult levels; maybe adolescent levels; Im back; Im showing signs of basic functioning and follow through. And did I ever want more then this NO! My goal was simply to be back in any form of reality where I could start something and show signs of consistency and not drop out; and that has happened down the number line; Im showing signs of consistently being present to start something and follow through; thats all I wanted… So;
Activities; the ability to show some form of beginning functionality and sanity of a Sober realistic nature of problem solving are 100% back in my book; Its not Einstein level; but its a good beginning.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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I could say “ Here lies the problems;” “Relationships” And This would be true; but its not all true… Ive show remarkable progress from where I started; Ive walked many miles of development in this area; However; most of it is work behind the scenes; Most of it is all the turmoil and insanity way in the back of the Drama house; far away from the stage or the audience in places no one sees…
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The work Ive done on relationships is silent quiet practice work in the basements of the recovery process… Ive logged whole life times of work in those deeper tunnels of basic developing.. Over n over for years; running to n fro in those tunnels of development; way deep where no one sees me or cares… Finally, working with God and getting strengthened.
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Im getting strengthened in a very important way; its a lonely place in those tunnels but I did it; and its built a kind of strength that combined with my relationship with a higher power; Im no longer lonely. Im fine. Its just that Ive done so much alone; growth on my own and succeeded… Its as if I came from the under ground and started to rise up… And that truly is what is happening… Ive been underground learning and developing and now I come back to regular ground very much like a beginning in life but a Im in life again and Im on solid sea level ground. I get to do this thing again.
However; I start right from where Im planted and I work with God above ground; basically for the first time… I start out where I got pulled off and out of reality. I get to start again.
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However; the resources Ill need; Ill have to work with God on these and everything.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
What does it look like. Well; Ive been extremely immature or undeveloped; that has been the problem; Developmental trauma disorder. I was simply broken with minus butcher-ingly low self esteem- Ruptured; Ruptured in the mind and personality and Identity. I lost who ever I had been; that was completely destroyed as if someone had put a hand grenade into my mind and blown it up; truly; their was nothing left of it… it was gone.
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Here I am now; with an understanding that in the past; I never did develop; I was thrown away at the age of 9/ I will go into a traumatic horror level shock and never come out of it… their will be no self esteem; no development; nothing.
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However; I here I am; with God lifting me up and putting me back at that moment I was thrown away and I get to start over again as a kind of newly re formatted person… Im broken up and weakened but Im here; Im present enough; not perfect. But enough.
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So; where do I want to go; How do I want to start…
And from this I turn to God… For it is the work I do with God that determines direction in these days… No problems; its all Good; as long as I stay with God; and that has become a literally religion to me; to stay with God; God is my oxygen; Im not going anywhere soon or anywhere without him.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
So; taking the situation as is; and as I am; I will be relearning or learning for the first time all of those things that strengthen relationships and development in becoming a person who can be in relationships… What ever that means and what ever that takes; those journeys; learning God Pathways…
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So; what does this look like; it looks like a 12 year old for the first time; learning through guidance of others through Jesus; And God; How to develop for the first time slowly moving forward as if I had a mom and Dad and a Father and or big brothers showing me helping me keeping things safe in safe ground to develop and learn so I can grow up… Grow upward into a position in society to have what others have called “ normal living ability”.
What does this mean; Well; what kinds of relationships do a child turning into a young man; Have. Maybe their first girlfriend and other real friends… Maybe they want a car to travel and go places; maybe a first job for money… Later; deeper more meaningful relationship developments and maturity; Finding things one really likes to do in life; callings; and from their marriage family house work; occupations vacations and so forth; Maturity aligned with God and self and thus showing progress down a steady moving pathway of success in society… that kind of thing.
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NOTE: Wanting to become a good at confidence and an experienced boy at relationships.. Getting really good at it; mastering it because of experimentation and experience. Being good at the craft of it… Working at this for long enough to be good at; successful at it; confidence from experience…
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And Ill have God take me where Im at and slowly send forth to become what im suppose to become for God to have something to work with for this relationship pathway of experience developing.
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THE PATH TO FRIENDSHIP;
This is where Im headed; The problem has been; I got no development from parents; I was ditched past the age of 6-7… They were gone or going to be gone… They had their fun at Christmases or birthdays or what ever; They were not going to bring up a human being… They were just having fun… Pure demonic; So; I never got any family or dreams associated with family; Nothing… No development.
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Where God is right now in my life;
God is here now to develop me; help me slowly deal with what happened in the past; get me on my feet again; and thats whats happening here. Slowly slowly slowly…
So; Im learning very slowly… slowly sloooowly.
Im doing the right thing as God takes me ( my mind) through the different time periods… reliving them; growing from them very quickly now; I think; slowly growing from many places in the past ( as I get those times figured out; get me figured out) Slowly moving into the present as a bit older in the present…
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So; God is preparing me for friendships; to trust and become friends with others again… This wont be easy… Ive got to get to a point where Im able to be present and over the walls that keep me from doing such things; moving forward where I could get hurt.
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A whole world exists between that adolesent period and before that adolesent period and those walls… between those walls; right after those walls and before those walls; right before them and a few years before them; and walls between the walls; the landing area; the dirt; the ground between the walls; all of what that is and what it means; all of it… that area of dissociation… all of it; that! And thats whats got to be worked on; gone back and looked at; amen. Thats what Ill be working on… Amen .
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