June 2025
May 2025
The point of the Phase 8 level is to establish myself at least at the beginning; the beginning of a new trail or pathway with my feet squarely planted on the grassy gently sloping slide; ready; I am ready... Im ready for my course; for my training. Im ready to take that first foot hold; that first step forward beyond the starting line; that florescent line; the starting line; the starting gate; The movement into the arena for the beginning of the games... The first step into the arena.
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NOTE: One will assume Im up to speed for this; no gaps. Or such a strong bridge built I can walk across it back n forth when ever I want. This is the requirement for Phase eight; its assumed this has already happened by Phase eight... Its happened in earlier phases...
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The First steps were in the basement:
Remember; The first steps into the arena of the coliseum were not for the finished; they were for the beginners; and they did not go into the arena; they ended up under the arena in houses build for training.
The gladiator trained first; and once graduating from gladiator school; They approached the arena for the first time. They trained in the basements of the coliseum first. As far as youtube history channels go...
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The first steps occur in the imagination; And that is where the work and struggle begin for the serious contender who is willing and interested in changing their lives. And such things are never done alone; there is always a small village behind them supporting them.
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NOTE: So; getting that support and support village is a first step... A good place to start is a 12 step meeting of some varied sort; A general meeting for hurts and habits and hang ups; Good place to start. I usually find these types of things in churches... Its all a good place to start for those where desperation for change leads them on.
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However; In any serious campaign; a spiritual caravan of teachers is always present to teach the apprentice to contact the outer worlds and connect with God... For the flow of universal solar energy will move one from one point destiny to the other; since ones physical body does not appear to move; One must use their spirit to move down energy river in order to change; and change occurs down the river; not up! ( Credit to Abraham Hicks; Success base laws of attraction coach for that). I pray to Jesus Holy one; But God sends me to many places to gain information on how to survive in the modern era.. Many teachers to learn by! Talk to God; seek at your own risk!
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Standing outside the gate am I!
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Im looking around to see if anyone is looking; I bend down and take a step; I step beyond the line into the other realm. And I realize; the quantum mechanical scenery has changed... I stepped into another grassy-terrace-telescope play area; A fountain with many pathways... But its not where I started; its new ground. Ive never been here before!
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THE GOAL
I have 2 goals; Girl friend and creating my music and playing it live. In order for this to happen; God has to bring my ego down to ground level; Ego is replaced with liking myself; and the journey; the steps to the other side; is about learning how to earn ( " I like myself").
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At a basic humble level leveled equal with my earnings; And then I talk to God; God can bring me grounded basic examples of small stepped experiences not to far from the hearts creator that will allow me to frolic in new experiences at starting point.
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Ill be starting at a childs level; and altho hard on the Ego; it is truly perfection; I mean; WHat other level would the universe start me at... Brilliant; To bad I didnt come up with it; The Universe did.
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MUSIC CREATION;
Much time ago I was given the answer to the music question of how I start out as a performer. IT was simple for the universe to show me within my imagination; After much asking; The universe planted an idea within my head; I will create a written composition for something simple; hand clapping. I will create a 15-30 second easy simple composition written in musical notation for a hand clapping composition... Such a thing can be learned very easily; Can be performed almost as simply and I can perform it around anyone; And it only takes half a minute And Im done; I mean; I can perform that in front of any crowd. Its not like this type of performance even requires permission. I can set up an ipad or use paper or macbook pro; sit in front of a group of other people who dont even notice me. I can start the composition, perform it; finish it and be done; No one may have even turned their heads toward me. Its over before anyone notices I started but It will be performed...
I can go to a 12 step group and do this all the time if I want to. No one cares; I can stand up in front of a group when I want and perform a clapping composition; 20 seconds/25 seconds/30 seconds.
I will still want to memorize the piece if I can. Practice the piece like any other experiment.
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NOTE: Create a few hundred of these tiny compositions and perform them live and suddenly I have experience performing in front of others; performing my own compositions...
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WOMEN/GIRL FRIENDS...
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Well; Liking myself is a start. Working closely with a higher power and starting out at the beginning.
Right now in the groups Im in; Ive got women coming up to me and hugging me and others that smile at me and are interested in getting attention from me. Unfortunately; the probability of dating someone from those various clubs is doubtful. And I pray about not leading people on and not getting led on in those places.
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INTO THE REAL WORLD:
How would I start. Well; I would have to like myself... And that is much of my beginning journey toward these relational things.
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FIRST LOVE: In my case; getting over my first love is the first conquest I work with the universe on... It must be. I mean; I do not want to live in the past anymore on this subject. Its a brutal horror study of love fatal... I would like to chalk it up as a bad slasher movie from the 1980's and leave it at that and move on. And Im working on it.
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Basically I get cleaned up; join groups of people; the kind of people I want relationships from; and start talking and praying and looking around.
I learn to walk up and talk to people; I learn to ask for what I want...
I know how to hit-on-women for dates. Thats not a problem; Give me a phone number and Ill start the process.
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The problem has been the past and the wrong people of attraction.
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Ive been to scared to attract the right people; Im afraid they will leave me... I wont be good enough; Im talking about financially. So; I have to work with God on that.
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NOTE: What if they just; pause; LEAVE; for no reason accept; they dont like me! I mean; Ill have to work with God on all this stuff so I can come up with answers... before hand; Ive got to have some experience surviving and mending and having relationships...
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ALl answers are down the energy river; and I will go on quests and journeys down my pathway to slowly; step by step practice down those pathways building my process up stronger and stronger and stronger.
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NOTE: Ive not been able to express myself; my feelings; who I am where Im at; a gaps resides. And thus; Im now working on that gap; That gap is most important to my focus right now; filling in that gap; Thats where Im starting right now.. or Ive been working on for a little while now.
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WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW IN GENERAL:
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Im doing fairly well!
All is going well. \
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NOTE: Coming out of monk mode a bit; starting to clean things up...
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Im slowly working through my FIRST LOVE of the past; She is surely becoming a thing of the past; a giant boulder like landmark that sits at the divide of some of my pathways; always allowing me to remember where I came from. But she is history; she is a subject in a history book; A closed history book; thats where its leading; But not yet; its not closed yet. At a deeper level Im still back their with her; the child in me is still convinced she is real and has a child level connection with the little girl in her and a child mother connection with her where she is taking care of me and God connection; She is all; She is God and I pray to her as God; and she is my best friend! Smile!
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Demons;
It will take awhile for the small innocent child within me to learn and understand that I am not lying to him; she is poison and a hot stove firebox that burns the flash of arms... He does not understand that he was trying to connect to a Jackal. That was my fault. And Im trying to not let that happen again. Im working with God on this! Let God lead the way; let me follow God and do just what God says.
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No disrespect to the Jackals in the world; but they need to stay in their Jackal caves on the other side of the planet while I stay in secure housing on this side of the planet. I want a pleasant experience with my forest view...
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So; when it comes to relationships; The basics will be presented in front of me; much like for a 6 year old; and Ill go practice each phase of this when dealing with people in a proper way until I become civilized and proper again. And when I do; Ill keep working with a higher power; and slowly write stories of what Im looking for; and allow the universe to bring them around and ill practice charm and speaking and talking and connection... And Ill keep practicing until fireworks begin to glow and I start asking people out for dates naturally or phone numbers or what ever...
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NOTE: True agany; true fear; my background makes it hard to get re hooked up with others in a successful take a chance way; Im solely scared to death of being used or crash n burn slash and bash; trix or treat; being left for dead is neet!@; no thanks; I dont want to murdered anymore; Im tired of it and dont understand a world that has to try so hard to destroy decent people. I want something different this time...
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My biggest fear and problem with dating has been; THE WRONG PEOPLE! And how to deal with the problems when they show up of being with the wrong people; how to duck out; move on; get out of the situation until I can more refine what the universe is bringing me and learning to become that person I want to meet; at that frequency...
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NOTE: Learning to allow good people and good things to happen for me...
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It will all come; as I move down energy river; but nothing is free. I have to change allot of things by way of earning that change. .. Not easy. but I get it; Ill be working for what I want; it wont be free... OKE... There's a price for anything.. Ill have to work with the universe to gain character...
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MUSic..
ITs going well.
I can see the universe in everything Im imagining... Ive got a small music studio set up and things are working out just the way I naturally wanted them to; I aligned it with the universe; my inner being and God and Jesus and source energy... And if I stay to plan with the alignment; things start to come together.
If I want something different; I start writing stories about what I want different until those stories start to get so strong in my imagination they start to pull me in and I start becoming those stories in my imagination and as they grow stronger and stronger; they began to wear clothing and walk around in my head; And suddenly I began to see my goals and desires walking out in front of me; because thoughts turn to things.
Frequencies must be matched; I must be at the frequency of what I want to manifest. I must believe Ive got this; Ive got what I want before it shows up! I have to have such confidence because I know; because Ive all ready lived it in my imagination so many times; its got to show up... God will help me with all of this; all I have to do is keep asking for help... And keep demanding God show up with the insights that will help me...
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When I live something in my imagination so many times Im confident about it; this tells me Im aligned with the universe and my inner being; things are lined up. I can feel such things; an alignment.
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TAKING ACTION:
THis is a tricky thing for me; Its takes allot of guts for this; Im always afraid to do anything in the real world; I dont want to get hurt or disappointed so; I write stories about taking action toward the things I want the universe to bring me; I write the stories in a positive way; a positive experience; and exhilarating experience with a happy ending; always a happy ending; always a happy ending; Amen.
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I will start out practicing with little things; Ill imagine sticks are the things I want; I ll walk over and pic up sticks off the ground and move them to a destination and pile them up a bit; imagining this is my stock pile of the things Ive asked for; ANd or; Ill draw the words I want and the things I want and the composition of timed elements I want. Ill create a draw narrative of what I want on paper from beginning to end with words and feelings and phrases and such; really feeling it!
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Music; To reiterate the direction from the universe concerning music at this time; My creation of it is for you and for me; but not just for me; The base of my creations is to be taken out to the public from the beginning and be a public performer of my music; of the created music... Those so sayeth God.
if I am to create music it is for the community for the culture I live in; it is for the citizen of my state. It is for the towns people I live within. It is not mine; it is not just for me. ITs main purpose is for you... to be given in service to you! its an outside thing; its for the people. Its for people.
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God has granted me another music experience at this point; Ive followed him thus far and Ive made the successful change over to the very beginning state of now having my equipment up and running again and I in the middle of it creating. I held on; Got through the gap of change with the help of everyone in my recovery process who ever that may be... who that may be! And I give all the credit to!
And I am now in front of the computer screen using my notation and keyboard fooling around with music again...
So; I know see the responsibility to take it to the people. Taking it to the people; giving it to the people is the purpose of writing any music... Thats the whole point!
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FIRST LOVE:
So; I needed agencies; psychologists. I needed professional therapists ran through the state; I needed ethical agencies to help me.
I needed help; and thus I went to middle class houses up the street to interact with younger people my age at the time.
We had nothing in common; in fact; I had just put my whole life in jeopardy opening it up to some junior narcissists; who will trample all of what is valuable of me; They will trample me under their feet turn and tear me into pieces.. And they did; completely successfully; as that is not what I was up at their house for; I needed help. ANd they basically set me up and lit me on fire; and murdered me! They did this to my soul and my inner self and my identity; However; later they will induce hidden violence against me. no one really lit me on fire with real fire! Just saying to make things accurate...
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Looking back now; the idea of having any romantic direction with such individuals was not really the point of being their... But as I said; it was like being in 2 different cultures. It was like I was from a different culture... I was in trouble and needed help.
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Nothing could ever be expected from some middle class people up the street; no one could expect anything of any depth or value from them concerning anything dealing with any real human problems; I mean; that's ridiculous! As much depth as these people would ever see in their lives would be boating on a lake... THey are not equipped or qualified for such things; for anything like real problems; real human problems. But I never expected someone to try and set me up; lie to me and try to destroy and ruin me; to focus on putting me in my place so they could prove they were of a superior economic situation; I mean: I was horrified and stunned by that behavior. And I was completely and totally confused. I was completely withdrawn insulted; I was hurt.. confused.. Why didnt any of these people have any kind of human depth; not kindness. What kind of scumbags was I dealing it.
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So; later in life im going to understand they will never have any kind of human depth that I would have needed; what I needed to do was never make that mistake ever again; I needed social state agencies and evaluations for help; I just never had anyone on my side when I was young.
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I do not blame middle class families anymore or neighborhoods for not having the skills or any clue of how to help me.
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If a person needs a surgeon; they dont go up the street to a middle class housing situation; They go to the hospital; thats what I needed.
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If Im sick; I dont go up the hill to the middle class housing situation and talk to the middle class'rs; in order to get a medical evaluation; That is absolutely ludicrous.
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Even more; would I never go up to some middle class housing situation for help or understanding or safety with strangers in some middle class'r environment; Never would I bring mental health problems or trauma problems to some family up the street; Id never met before. When maybe they thought I was associating with them for relational reasons; I was looking for relief and help; earnest help.
Unfortunately; I got non... I was led on and spiritually spit upon; used confused; thrown out.
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NOTE: I was withdrawn and to shy to be able to confide in anyone and I didnt feel good enough for anyone; why would anyone want me; and these people proved me right; they laughed in my face concerning my troubled life; led me on and got rid of me; dumped me.. Those type of episodes; just added to the problems. Made me feel 10 times worse; causing more mental breakdowns and separations dissociatively from reality.
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So; this forces me to keep working with God and forget about any closer inner contact with people of this nature from that time period. Meaning; trying to create a relationship with some of them was a ridiculous venture; I just didnt know who or what I was dealing with ; I had no idea. They were spoiled in my opinion; entitled... narcissistic... I shutter now at the idea of ever being that crazy to go up to someone's house like this looking for help. I was innocent and naive.
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The problem with the First Love; It has to be completely eliminated through the truth; that nothing existed; This is happening and the universe is helping me! Im working on it. I dont like what it means; it means I end up all alone again within that time period; and have gone nowhere within that time period. I feel like a loser because of it; but maybe its better to deal with those feelings and pick up my stuff and get out of an over barring fantasy that never really took place.
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Note; would this person have helped me; I never opened up to her about things; and because of that; she owes me nothing; I asked God; SHe owes me nothing; I mean; it was over right then when I never opened up to her; I was horribly hurt mad the way she treated me afterword's as if she never met me. But I mean; Its not that I never followed through with her; I never started anything to follow through with. She laughed at my immaturity and weakness or bashfulness or lack of experience; and basically that was that... I never opened up to her. So; I have to learn; the next time I have to learn how to open up about who I am and where Im at; Ive done this in meetings allot and Ive sat privately with women and talked to them about this so; Im learning.
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See! I couldnt open up to somebody when younger; so; I mean; It was over for me before it started.. .
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I was a decent person interacting with indecent people; I was innocent; they were motivated liars.. I didnt take the time to question what I had walked into. Hopefully now Ill now better then to do that ever again. Hopefully; its not over yet... reality is still hard to face on this one; Im getting there...
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Ill keep working with God on this one; FIRST LOVE until its been successfully examined and is no more...
Im still clutching to a fantasy that never was.... So; elements of this need to be examined and the lies looked at...
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FIRST LOVE:
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I had a problem drinking before I got into recovery; In fact; thats kind of where they found me; in and outside the Bar;
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HEres the deal; My First Love is kind of like alcohol to me. Even tho Im in the rooms of recovery and I dont drink anymore; for years I had those fake fantasies that one more drink sounded so good; the ritual of being in the bar sounded like freedom to me. Having that beer on a sunny hot day; But heres the deal; its just fantasy is it not. Its not real; the thoughts I was thinking; Drinking was the dark black dragon and it consumed me and became bigger then I did; And it controlled when I drank and did not;
DId I forget. Well; When I get those dreamy fantasies of drink; all i see is the hay day party; I forgot about the 4 horsemen devils that would come and scourge my life. Meaning; the loneliness and sorrow and hatred and longing with no answers...
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My First Love is no different. Most of what Im hanging onto never happened; I was desperate and lonely and had expectations; so I fantasized about what I wanted it to be like; when with her; And then; suddenly realizing she had psychopathy... It was over right then. I was defeated and I had made a complete fool out of myself.. It was like being destroyed out in the Battlefields of WW1; I didn't make it. It was all over. Now I have to start all over again.. In order to start over emotionally I have to get rid of the past emotional connections; that means; no more connection to First love.
First; the universe is help me completely. So... Ill just keep at it... keep going; keep building underneath this until a world starts to emerge underneath the past and at some point the past will wash away like the sand on a downy beach!
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MUSIC>
Im already starting; And the goal is the outside world. That means; creating small pieces to perform all over the place..
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Ill create 12 songs and give a concert. Not yet of course! Ill created tiny hand clapping comps and go perform about 200 of them all over the place at random times...
This is all therapeutic to get me outside again.
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As I play with my music equipment; it scares me that Im now regulated to put forth part of my time to writing 3 1/2 minute songs for one reason; to perform... its like; damn; Im going outside; Here it is. Here we go! I mean. Ill close my eyes and pass through it... Ill do this.
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