July 2025
June 2025
I got up and I was wrestles and in fear as if Im been going in the wrong directions...
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I got up and was watching porn; and I thought; Is no one worth fighting for!
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I thought about what Im fighting for; Im fighting to get closer to God on my knees to venture into relationships and careers... and I thought; and I felt the contempt; and I thought; is no one worth fighting for.
Im I just scared and want to live like a monk. I want to see a replication of life from a safe cave... I really dont want to go out in the world and be part of the world?
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Was this sexual abuse or the abusers talking to me from the past who kept me captive... Is that what Im venturing into when I choose to get closer to God; to move forward under the stars as a traveler to my destinations.
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I fought the dragon to gain entrance to the castle walls; that I may find myself in the hallways of the citadel that I may rescue the princes... Was her kiss not worth it ( Its suppose to be worth it; What happened to me?); My obsession for one thing; That kiss; was it not worth the fight of a thousand dragons. Yes? I mean; wasnt it? isnt it? It was at first; and then I turned. but I blamed her for it. At that moment I turned; was it her fault; but looking at her; she was innocent; meaning; No change in her; she was innocent; what then changed me! What changed my mind. It wasnt her? It was something else... but what! I was from deep inside me; a spiritual disease I was bing cercummed by? I was being taken down... or; did she poison me? Why DId I blame her? I was dishonestly escaping something.
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THus; the answer
To get on my knees to God and keep drilling forward; praying and meditation and writing new stories about my life... and yet I wake up in mental fatigue agony and pain as if Ive been going in the wrong direction to move forward toward relationships and careers( activities); Im thinking " WHat is going on here"; Everything is backward. Am I not supposed to fight for what I want; think she is worth the fight; think the career excitement is worth the fight; to be dedicated; It seems deep down I am a puppet controlled by the abusers and predators of the past; internally trauma bonded. Very humiliating and discouraging; but it wont stop me. But do I care and is that what I really want; I used to want it... I dont seem to want anything that will cause trauma. That is PTSD>
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The key is to participate in the good fight and that starts with being on my knees to God to forge through a direction before I forge through a direction; To create it and forge through it in my imagination. And that is what has been occuring and yet; the deeper I go into my imagination; the more disturbed I get. The Nightmare remains...
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I get it; I mean; I'm not stupid! I have mental illness and Ive been violated at extreme deep levels; certainly my nervous system does not want me going back out into the world and get more of the same; its over loaded with AVPD Dissociative disorder and CPTSD... So... With that; I get it; but still.
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I get it. Im driving within my imagination and my whole system is feeling disrupted and heading toward a rupturing melt down...
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I mean; its like; Wait; Im fighting so I can fight the good fight and get back inline right? isnt that what Im suppose to do!
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My whole system has gone haywire... Something is not right. Im going in the right direction right?
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Im supposed to go in the direction of that Kiss; of that career; thats what Im fighting for; Right?
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Im suppose to be dedicated to being a Knight; ( I humble myself to God to be a student of Dedication) Im supposed to fight for it; What happened? Fair enough; Im a loser; I lost. I gambled at one time in my life and I lost; OKe; Im picking up the pieces and starting again. but why am I freaked out; PTSD? I guess. because something has got me scared. I want to turn as a broken man and wobble to a cave and just hide... And I know what that is; it is trauma...
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I think Im controlled by abusers within my system; Im like a puppet that was not given permission to be free; Im still trauma bonded within myself. Thats all I can figure out.
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The most important issue is; to be on my knees to God; for I thought I was to drill through the imagination to a point of freedom; Instead Im hitting a whole world of horror and triggering within my system...
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Its got me so shaken up; Im not sure what Im doing; what is up and what is down; I dont know right from left... right side up or down side backwards...
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