Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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New Blog;
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Talked with my sponsor today. It was interesting; I shored up a few ideas from beginning to end; Mainly about Drumming and Women.
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Drumming;
First; Ive been writing about this a few times in my previous blogs…
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I have been re-birthed into the present age. I was regrown in the Garden of Eden. I am here now. Im still a Work-In-Progress. What does this mean. Im not all here! I have mental illness; I come from a moderate or maybe a bit of less moderate level of drug n alcohol addiction; certainly I abused substances to dissociate from reality. Im a Potential Alcoholic. I did my time; maybe a bit less then most; but I ended up experience the same Night terror as everyone else… As for Drugs;’ I was definitely on my way within a relatively short time in High school to becoming a Drug addict; However; Within that period I overdosed many times and had bad bad trips and was ending up in the Hospital. After to many trips on Hallucinogenics; I had Drug psychosis for three years; My brain was torn apart and extremely weak’nd.
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In Junior high-high school; Moving onward toward women and dating
I could not really function anymore with the mental illnesses coming on and the drug psychosis problem. I had been manipulated easily by young women I innocently fell for; thinking I had made a friend. I was literally torn to pieces by it. I did not want to be alive anymore. I had no one; I had already been thrown away by my parents… Now I was being used and played by the people my own age; I simply crumbled and gave up… This was not the world I thought I would be in when I started getting older…
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I had nothing and no one and no more interest in life.
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Some History; Spoiled by Corrupt Evil Grandma….
At some point First; from ages 10 13. I was spoiled a tad bit by my Grandmother. Later at ages 18 through 21 and added onward all most to age 30 or more; I was spoiled by my Grandmothers money.
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In college years; Grandma payed for everything; Grandma payed for everything or much of everything; so much so; it was so unrealistic. I had no motivation or interest in anything or in being alive. All I could do was hide in the basement; I was severely mentally ill. I could not function . No one cared. I was given cars; I didn’t really care; but my brother got them for me from my Grandmother. I didn’t care about anything anymore; I just wanted to die; My heart was broken over n over n over until I was no longer here. I did not want anything… I just wanted to die…
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I finally ran to the Nut House to get evaluated… I was put on some meds but later will stop functioning completely; No One cared and no one cared if they ever saw me again…
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I never dated again basically since age 14. I could not; I wanted nothing to do with the people of this society. As for dating; I was literally psychologically and emotionally spiritually raped by these people when; all I was looking for was a girlfriend to be my best friend; I just wanted a future with a nice girl. I was not prepared for this type assassination. I was only a young teenager.. I mean! My God! I had already lost who I loved and had no more desires to be with any women; at-least emotionally; My personalty was ruptured to many times and literally raped out of existence by these Monsters…
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I will try again a few times to date but it was so horrible; these people. I mean; it was unbelievable. I cant explain it; These people were so spoiled and privileged. It was like I was from some other culture or country. I just did not no what to do or which way to turn. I wanted nothing to do with any of them; No one was my friend; nor ever planned on being my friend…
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NOTE: I just wanted someone to relate to and talk to.. My God is that asking for to much?
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Some women saw a plan in me; to take my money; but that money came from Grandma when I was in some years of college; However; I was just flunking out all the time and hiding in my room or in bed. I could not handle life; any forms of reality. When these women realized I was not functioning; they were gone. Heartless. Godless. Truly Ruthless. They had heard I had some form of money; They assumed I had the money and I was functioning; suddenly they were aboard and a girlfriend. But they were unbelievably shallow and in human. It was unbelievable. Looking back; it was all business. When they found out I was not going to function and that meant to them; No more money; They were gone… Ruthless and sickening. The problem is; I never met anyone that was my friend. Nothing. It was unbelievable. I was not prepared for a society full of this…
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Zero quality of people; Nothing! Ruthless; Godless… In Human…
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Dating;
So; here I am in the present; working with a sponsor for another chance at life in my old age.
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What am I seeing; Things are the same or much worse then when I was young.. .But maybe the same.
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I have women who seem to be interested in me; But their characters are atrocious. Its simply shocking… Im startled by it all.
No of these people are safe.
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I know one women; A very attractive women; She seems like a soulmate; but then I see her checking out other guys when Im not around or she has done it in front of me; The way she leans in and kind of gives herself to another mans glance or chat… I just kind of sit their with a broken heart. And I know; This is not right and not right for me. I simply back off and can never go near their ever again. Sure; Ive see the girl trying to correct it with me. TO LATE; Should have never been done in the first place. Im to nice a guy to stand for this… Once someone crosses that line they are finished.
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In another scenario. I know of another women; she seems like a connection until I notice something; suddenly under God I can see it; Im just being manipulated… I can see the inconsistencies. I fall back; and see the deeper whole picture of being used by her; meaning I mean nothing to this person. I simply pull back and stay to myself and go my own way. Once in awhile Ill see her try something; a maneuvering technique to get closer kinda? But its to late! Ive already seen through her long ago… its a basic waist of time; I just stay silent and go my own way.
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Met another girl yesterday; Chatted her up for 15 minutes; truly epic sign Im coming back to life again; However; she is mentally ill and addiction problems and other problems to a point that; she is just way to out of it to associate with. She might want to be in recovery; But she is not capable of any safe relationship. I can just imagine someone getting involved in that. I did like her tho. Ill still talk to God about her…
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And; there are others. And their has been others; but most fall through the screening process. And the screening process is not asking for much; just a safe decent person who would treat me right; treat me well.
And Ive never found anyone like this ever in my life. And Im an old man…
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Ive been virtually alone all my life. Ive had no girlfriends nothing; These people in my society are not my friends. They don’t care about me or what happens to me… They are like vicious wolves; blood thirsty; looking to claw their way up the ladder of someone else’s family system; mainly for the security and money. They do not need love or to be loved; They are in it for the resources and thats all. They simply play act a role; manipulate someone and try to get themselves in the door.
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I have met many sociopaths who date sociopaths; or potential psychopaths; And they all seem to get along well with each other; Its freedom for them and their relationships; They have no rules. They are their own Gods. And I see more n more of this; to a point that I feel out numbered. I think the God fearing man; those who bow down to God to live through the power of God and the universe; We are a looked over group of people; Not considered attractive by anyone.
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Needing God to survive; this is not attractive in this day n age; being a ruthless sociopath or psychopath out of the jails; To be named; Chad or Spike or Snake or what ever… This seems closer to what women are attracted to; psychopaths…
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This is simply impossible for me…
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Women seem to find men that have no values but can created lots of money and are easily manipulated: Men who don’t question right or wrong like I do….
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Im starting to open up and chat with women a bit more then usual. Usually Im bashful and stay to myself. However; lately Ive been taking chances and opening up. Unfortunately; I don’t see anyone that is really honest or safe; Nothing…. These are women in recovery process; some women. Ive found that they are just to mentally sick or they are secretly taken or they are checking other guys out at that same time…. These are people that have been around for awhile as I have been; Ive know of them for years but never really interacted with them.
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I would say the interaction with these people is so invaluable; Im practicing and getting retrained to go up and talk to people on my own. However; Im finding the same problem I found when I was young; the same problems; No one is safe!
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Ive had some basic success now, hold conversations with women; With some women.
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Ive had mental break downs and its very hard to interact with anyone… So; I would say Im doing OK.
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Im a safe bet for anyone to know. Im not going to take advantage of them or lead them astray or into a ditch; but I cant say that for some of these people Im talking to.
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And thus is the problem.
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I have rely on God for the right people to interact with or Date and I have absolutely no idea who that could be. I just don’t know.
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Ill work with God on this and keep working on it.
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I HAVE NO MONEY:
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I was sitting at a table the other day and a voice came to from heaven. “ Omnicell” “ You have no Money” “ What do you care about all the bad things that could happen to you with modern women; you have nothing for them to take” “ you are broke”.
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Hmm.
I thought about that. And it was kind of right. The universe had made a point; if anything went wrong; I could always just switch girls and go out with someone else. Its not like they can take me to the cleaners; meaning; get all my assets. I don’t have anything. God let me know this.
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God is saying; Go out with them… try them out; see what you think!
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And God is even telling me to try out some of them with moderate problems. Try them out; see what you think. Even if they cheat on you; I can always get another one; You had nothing to start with… From the bottom of the fish bowl I sit; Everything is looking upward…
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I just may.
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ABUNDANCE; This is an area God demands of me. I must learn abundance if I am to survive the emotional upheavals dealing with modern women and its inconsistencies in my country.
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So; what God is telling me; I will handle things Like a Cave man if I want women. And I will handle these situations no less then this level of Cave Man.
God is not telling me to go find better women. I will work with God on this…
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Certainly God does want me with the best women that fit my arrangement. And ill continue to align with God through mediation and learn to voice or allow the voice of my inner being to speak for direction.
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I guess Im not looking for direction; Im looking for what God is looking for me; the pathway God presents before me.
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Instead of looking for perfection in others; God wants me to tuff’n up while dealing with the average person. OK…
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Ill keep working with God on these things.
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What bothers me the most; I am safe; no wonder so many women are attracted to me; Im a nice guy. But non of them are safe and no one says anything is wrong.
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I have called women on this; However; they did not change; they just went and found another man; Another con artist like themselves…
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So; all of this is just sickening to me… Its just unbelievable the reality of things today…
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The key is to get stronger and work with God and take chances.
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HOWEVER; I HAVE NOT ASKED ANYONE OUT: SO: I KNOW NOTHING. I DONT EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE LIKES ME OR IS REALLY ATTRACTED TO ME> I KNOW NOTHING>..
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When I was younger; I clambered about women who used me and set me up; But in actuality; I never asked them out; and to my shock later in life; I realized I never even had an established relationship with them; I was just someone hanging around. God has made it clear; Those people don’t count.
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In the present; I tried to date a few women; it was a horrible horrible horrible event of things. They turned out either narcissists sadistic or in some cases criminally minded and extremely brain damaged and with histories of stalking people.
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MEETING THE RIGHT PEOPLE:
And so; Im working with God to meet the right people and have an abundance mind set concerning women.
Anyway; as Ive said; Im around women on a daily basis and talking to them more n more. Im getting to a point where my confidence is allowing me to turn to someone women and talk n talk n talk. Open up. Its just started… Ive had some success at it… I feel very good and relieved at the same time. Its good to be present enough to have this skill back.
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Now; I have to work with God on Whom Im suppose to talk to… This has always been the problem.