June 2025
May 2025
Im in a hard place…
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This is much like the pre develpmental moments where Im trying to make my away back into activities…
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In my mental illness; All activities and relationships stopped… No contact with the world; Not really.
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In the recovery process….
Its taken years and years and years of recovery and work to regain the ability to be free of fear and walls that kept me from attempting activities… With Gods help I did work through it and Now; Im back working within activities again; its hard but I have no less ability to attempt activities then anyone else. Its hard for many people; normal average people; its hard to attempt something new; its hard; harder to even make it through to a solid beginner state. Im suggest those that want to sacrifice may or can make gains at a thing… Not easy for most I think. However; I had complete dissociated walls; impossible for many years of my life. Now; Ive shown that I can work at things like anyone else if Im willing like anyone else; never easy…
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Relationships;
And relationships are beginning to move up against the walls. This means; Ive come a great distance. Now; Its about strong. Becoming strong enough to overcome walls. This is a place of dissociation. Its all hard; especially in relationships concepts; getting close to others. Sexual abuse; abandonment; being thrown away young; And many other problems; Being violated over n over. And so; this is what I have to over come.
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Im at this place now; of working at consistency; consistency until I break through these walls. Meaning; its getting to the point of work. Its tedious consistent work; consistency; to get through these walls. I guess. I would say; Im working with Others on these problem. And its starting to pan out as work; the answer is to just keep working at it until Im strong enough to over come these walls. Its that simple. God has helped me to get many things figured out… Now; I have to come back into reality; not dissociate on some things; face forward; get stronger; practice in my imagination over coming; and keep at it and finally strong enough to walk into the present beyond those walls… coming back into the requirements of reality; Being Sober and sane in the present; in reality accepting the requirements of reality. And accepting them within this relationship type situation in reality…
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Over coming sexual abuse and harassment and bullying and neglect and abandonment is a big part of this. Learning to work right through that abandonment; recreating new foot steps that lead to a new life. Creating solid walk ways within my imagination over those gaps of dissociation during those times. This can be done; I know it can! Just keep at it; keep working at it.
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Fear; Terror and many negatives hit me. And Ill work through them…
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The goals I have now; work through those walls; the psychological Terror of those walls and what they stand for.
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NOTE: Had a glimpse of something; Moving beyond where Im at now; coming out of a tinge of survival mode surrounding all the work Ive done; Coming back to myself a bit…
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Little changes occurring… These changes are a deeper me from the past when I was very very young and had more hope and surety about my future;… So; Im starting to change… Ive been changing.
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So; its simply about work now until those gaps are bridged and I can walk over the gaps and then working through the walls… its all about feeling; grieving and working and working and working through; until Im through… Coming back to sanity and the present..
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