June 2025
May 2025
New blog;
.
Answers; Im finding answers through the universe about what happened in my earlier life that I didn’t understand. I was looking for love and companionship and I thought I was working with God; Im not sure what went wrong.
Or what went right.
.
FIRST LOVE: More answers…
.
This was not my first love; I don’t know what this was. I still don’t know if this was someone God brought to me or not. I don’t know.
.
However; if I want to know; I would have to go to God to find out. And their it is; the answer; if I was working with God in the first place and at a higher level; Things would be totally different; meaning at a higher frequency with God; and Im just now learning what that is because Im working toward it now…
.
FIRST LOVE: and what I believe I know or have my opinions about.
.
God set me forth on a journey with her for 2 reasons; One; Altho I felt she could get better and I always felt I wasnt good enough. God sent me to her to love her.. This was a service to her; She wasnt getting what she wanted; she was getting what she needed; Did this work; well! Yes! The universe swept her off her feet working through me. Did she appreciate me; I don’t know; but it was all aligned correctly with the universe. Did she actually ever push me away; No! I left before that happened.
I never trusted her. I had no reason. So; something was wrong… dangerously wrong…
.
Would I have been a good father to her children and mine; Yes. Would I have been a good husband; of-course.
.
Would that have been enough for her to be genuinely loved by someone? NO! I did not believe so….
.
She was looking for someone to love; but it wasnt me; It was a 1 percent-er Dude; That group of men that are 1 percent in society; they the best built; the best looking; have the most money; and come from a rich family and have nothing but a rich future.
.
However; did she finally chase me away; NO!
Did she reject me; NO!
.
Would she have married me; Yes! Would she have stayed married to me; I guess. Im kind of sure she would have; Would she have resented it; Yes! She would have resented it the whole time; She would have resented that I was not her first choice; her first pic a guys. The key she really wanted was head n shoulders more then me and way above me on the status scale; and she would have never been satisfied.
.
Why then did God send me their; Well; My idea is; He didn’t; God would never sent me into a situation like that. That means I did…
.
So; Its all good; working with the universe to get all this information. I just never believed her. I think my confidence at the time swept her off her feet; and I could have gone in any direction with her I wanted; but it was like eating cake made out of sawdust; being with her; she was hollow when it came to me; She had no feelings; Nothing; At the time; it made no sense to me that was with me if she didn’t like me. Now I know better; Numerous reasons; unethical indecent reasons for her to be around me. Numerous reason; all dishonest and dangerous for me… plenty of dishonest treacherous reasons for her to be around me; from her point of view; Could have been using me the whole time; leading me on; setting me; never intending to take me seriously; simply conning me; and when she saw I was hooked; dump me on the spot; She could have been doing all of these things.
.
I think what happened here was typical; I found myself with someone that looked like my dream girl; but in reality; she was never mine; She belonged to the most popular people in any situation; and that wasnt me. At the time I met her she was between things; And so she didn’t bother getting rid of me yet; No reason YET! But when life picked up and summer was over; I was done for; She had no more interest; Not even a summer fling.
.
I thought I was in a growing relationship with her; She was in no relationship with me. So; she could care less who I am; And she could care less if she was leading me; she was going to get rid of me a couple of months anyway…
.
So; I never did meet the girl of my dreams…
.
I had a problem with doing these things; In a dissociative state I would meet someone and think I was building a relationship with them; While they never thought they were building a relationship with me… They felt nothing for me; I meant nothing to them… So I had no business being around these type a snakes…
.
And this brings me back to God…
.
.
So; today; I work with God on these problems and issues… I work with God; that is my greatest hope. Its the horse before the cart… Not the other way around.
.
I work with God as a part of a co operative team to better my life existence. The universe is showing me slowly; showing me answers; they are unfolding… All I have to do is keep working with the universe.
.
As for a future wife; I must allow her to come from God; Through God created by God. I cant leave God out like the other times. I must work with God and stay with God and keep at it. Im working through God; so God is in control here not me.
.
God will build me into husband material for who he is bringing me. But I must learn the lesson of; “ Who he is bringing me”; not me side questing and going off doing it alone… I was easy prey for the wrong people. I set about all alone; and anyone could come along feed me a song n dance story of lies; and I wouldnt know the difference; easy prey…
The key is to not find myself in the wrong neighborhood.
.
As for First Love; I never felt good enough. I felt like this person really didn’t respect me for who I really am… They didn’t really value me; they wanted something better; so I always felt a kind of uneasiness. I felt like I wasnt good enough.
.
In fact; I felt that about all women; I wasnt good enough. What ever they were looking for. I was going in the opposite direction of worth; meaning; I was being myself; learning to be; being my own self worth… And building it honestly under God…
.
I had this feeling I was never good enough for anyone. No one valued me so I never took any interest in anyone; I thought they were stupid losers I wanted nothing to do with… I knew my worth.
.
PROBLEM:
So; I claim I have self worth…
The problem is; and what I didn’t know; For people like me; Id have to work with God on a whole journey of development for the kind of wife I wanted or God wanted for me; For that kind of specific person was way way far away; She wasnt right around the corner… I would have to work for a long time with God in uncovering what I was looking for and God would take me on a journey to her and her to me.
That is what Im doing now. This takes a tremendous amount of work… And thats OK; but what Im learning; I was doing no work before; Nothing.
.
What I seek is a certain level of frequency. I would be much better of attracting a women professor at a college who is teaching physics or Astronomy or has a masters degree In Outer Space!
.
Im looking for an introverted intellectual I can talk with… speak about things with… But in the end; its who God brings me; But first; I must work with God on it.
.
I don’t have any money; no traditional house; I don’t even have a car. So I have nothing in that respect. And that makes things very hard and strange… Well; actually, Ill have to accept my situation…
.
Its not hard to sweep a thousand of the “ wrong” women off their feet; its easy; and Im sure they would all put on a gown and marry me or anyone else that swept them off their feet; but the problem is; they are all the wrong people; God did not pic them and it will all end in doom!
.
God has to pic the person; and bring them to me and I to them at the right frequency level.
.
.
.
FIRST LOVE; I realized now with much recovery work; She never really did anything to me. She didn’t cause my pain; I did. She never ran out on me; she never rejected me up front dumping me as an associate of person interactions. I had no real relationship with her; anything established; I never even or she never claimed to be my friend. And I never took this into account and I will pay for this very dearly.
.
However; she was a shell. She had no feelings for me. Maybe she could have helped me if I opened up to her; Maybe; But what was the use; she was the wrong person to begin with.
.
The question in my recovery step work; “ Why was I trying to created a relationship with the wrong person”. I mean seriously; Whos fault is this… It wasnt hers… this was a stranger.
.
I really good hooked on this stranger; And I don’t know why! Maybe I just needed to let go and allow someone; anyone to hook up with me; or for me to believe it was happening; when it never was.
.
I can see now; I was simply dealing with a stranger… And when I left; I left a stranger; she knew no more about me then when she met me; and she never really wanted to meet me… And she never cared anyway. She didn’t care to know me; Not really! I meant nothing to her; She was not attracted to me. She resented me being around and I didn’t pick up on those clues. I was devastated in the end realizing these things. Not so much now. Its still shocking; it still rocks my boat; but not enough to stop me now from starting over with an authentic emotional relationship with someone. I can do this today with and under Gods help. Mainly because I trust God today; Im learning how to…
.
Can God trust me today; We are working on that; Me and God; amen…
.
.
I will still continue to work through FIRST LOVE And what happened with this person; Ill continue to work on it to the day I die if I have to… For the answer to my life are in this equation that occurred while I was around this person. As for this person; I was a stranger this person never valued or saw; but for me; inside me; I allowed myself to think I was building a relationship with this person; when in reality I was wasn't.
I will pay for my stupidity of youth for ever finding myself in a self destructive situation like this… I took chances I could not pay for; and I lost. I gambled completely and lost; mainly because I lost before I ever got started. Their was no chance for me here; no way this girl was going to go out with me or find me attractive; And thats exactly what happened. And in the end I would have to turn and go home… And never go back.
.
I made the mistake of taking any of this seriously. Why I thought I was so important that I get out of being manipulated and used by people like this; I don’t know. I set myself and I got taken advantage by someone. I was just asking for it… And it happened. And I was played into the ground and for some reason didn’t know? I actually thought I was with someone who had an interest in me.
.
In reality; “ I was never with someone”; I might have shown up around them physically; but they were never “ With Me”; In any form or any regard…
.
Why I thought I could just walk into someones life and take over; Its a bit arrogant on my part; and it never worked; The other person just allowed me to think it was working; I was being fooled the whole time. I must have been extremely narcissistic to really believe I was actually fooling someone.
.
I never fooled anyone.
.
This person was from the Ivy league; I was from the bowling league.
.
Or; These type of people are from the Ivy League; I was from the Bowling league; And its from the bowling league I start out. Thats what Im doing now. So; I have allot of work ahead of me. Allot of developing under God to experience.
.
So; its live n learn… Keep working with God where Im at; Im OK… .. I made mistakes; Im still working with God; God will see me through…
.
I know this; The work right now is; learning to work with God; stick it through; keep working with God and turn into a team member with God co creating my life with God; get some experience; hard earned experience with this; and follow through and see how that feels and fits me; And keep working with God and allow God to have who God wants in my life; wait and work with God; God will pick them and have them show up and God has created me into the right husband material and right higher frequency for marriage or what ever God has intended…
.
Im seeing A certain kind of Wife and 2 kids a House N church. And she will be supplying the house n car; unless God sees otherwise. Anyway; thats how Im thinking these days; we will see.
.
As for FIRST LOVE: I will continue to work on this until I see clearly my role in this; cleaning up my side of the street; I see her role; who she was in this fairly hopefully truthfully and honestly even tho it might not shine much of a light on me; And Gods role; What did God actually intend for me here; did he intend for me to follow through with this person or run from them…
.
So; their it is; regardless; Im back; back creating a foundation for myself in the present with God with support with helpers and friends and the recovery process. Today Im rebuilding a life and have been slowly doing so for a while now. So; regardless of what happened in the past; a good foundation is being created for me in the here n now. So; Ill end up with something in this life; Ill be working for it; So; no loses here from outside attempted companionship's of the past; Those were learning experiences to get me back to God! Im so sorry some of them slaughtered me on that journey to find God but life is a risky business and the dark forests can be unforgiving and brutal…
.
Anyway; I continue to work with God on these things and will report in again.. Amen! Gods will not mine! Amen.
.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Majestic-12 [Bot], Snaga
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ NEvr endinG seaRch; Moving Forward...
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.178s | 23 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.74
Time : 3.178s | 23 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.74