July 2025
June 2025
What does living in reality mean; it means I have dreams; I take them to my higher power and allow my hower power to bring a life around me that fits my dreams. I work within a recovery process and recovery support groups; I believe I can have high frequency dreams; Suddenly around those dreams; I began to see a whole world; a world supporting and surrounding my dreams; if I believe?
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WHEN YOUNG:
I needed help to develop; I needed love; I needed support. What I didnt understand; I was living in a fish bowl unprotected; The fishbowl has predators.
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IN THE FISH BOWL;
I was like a small child looking for my parents; thinking Im safe; I was completely open to being groomed or manipulated! Taken by surprise.
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What can I learn?
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Right now; I ask God to keep me safe and work on the areas Im disabled in; the inability to be in reality and function in reality is a disability.
I have to ask for help; they would hold me up and help me walk;
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I am sensitive and immature and inexperienced.
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Who would God bring me? If I asked for help?
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So; who would God bring me; I think God would match what Im looking for; who I am.
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I have to learn to tell people who I am; that Im disabled in these areas of reality and need help; and thats why Im around them; I need help;Im looking for who God is sending to help; Assuming Im smart about it; Im not talking about bringing the wrong people into my life. Im talking about bringing the right ones; Ones that are a little closer to reality for me... That I admit Im closer to base of reality; the beginning.
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Who or what do I attract. Who did Jesus attract... I attracted those in need who needed help from God; Not rich people in rich houses that needed nothing. They had their riches; riches were the only thing on their mind; they worshiped their riches and thus that was their God.
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So; the goal is continue with my goals and allow God to correct my pathway; bringing it inline with him. I guess I meditation would help stay aligned with a pathway to God... and God brings others down my pathway...
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When I think of a helper; God sending me a helper; I realize now; God would send someone that would tell me they want to help; that feel good about helping me; that have my best interest in mind and want to watch my life unfold.
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The goal is connection back to myself in reality; its like a kind of healing beyond the gap; the work filling the gap.
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MY GOAL;
Come back to normal living...
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That means independent relationships based on where Im at; working with God. Im no saint; but Ill give it try if God will...
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RELATIONSHIPS;
So; from where Im at...
Ive never attracted or even been seen with the right people to date; I mean; its been a complete nightmare from the first; from the very beginning. Ive not been with anyone nice ever...
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So; Ill work with God and continue to work with God.
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God will have to bring me the right people aligned correctly. Ill have to know myself. Im working toward that.
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I never went after anyone of any quality. I have no idea how to describe the vampires Ive been around.
The sleeping beauties who were destroyed through trauma that will for ever be asleep in their own dissociated worlds...; I did them no good by knowing them; Many of them would not get help as Im getting help. I could not wake them up; For Power comes from God; not from me? Thus; they sleep for ever; wandering the lands like ghosts.
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Im suggesting Ive been around a lot of torn up people. And at times Ive attracted those who like to tear people apart sadistically. I would like to meet someone in the middle with no problems; neither victim or predator... I just want to fight for the right to be around normal.
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I think it will be a fight; I have to fight for the right; sacrifice for what I want. If I want to be around good people much will be required of me.. So be it; Thats the cost; Ill talk to God about it.
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I fit in with a specific kind of people; a specific tribe of sensitive intelligent kind of autistic bent introverted creative expressive types... maybe.. depressive types maybe. Decent sensitive moral people. Nice people... People who believe in God! Thats not who Ive been associating with.
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The price for knowing this people; Ill talk to God about it... What will I have to become to be inline with that frequency; what is the frequency of my tribe.
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I think that is a good description of my goals; to work with God to find the frequency of my tribe; who I actually fit in with and the price of admission... Ill talk to God about this.
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MUSIC:
The goal is to keep working with God on alignment... And at some point; creating a simple little hand clapping piece written out. I memorize it and go perform it...
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In General;
Im extremely dissociated from relationships and from reality.
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All of this comes from a destroyed original life; all relationships gone...
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AVPD is a big problem; I completely dissociate and avoid very quickly; That I think with enough work; ill get me back. Ill slowly chose to be present again if I can; meaning that part of me that I have control of right now; Ill practice and see if I cant get my nervous system to give way a little bit; I mean; hey; Ive got time to practice this.,.. So; Ill pray and see how things are working.. if something can be done... The universe can do anything.
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MORE CHANGES: MOVING FOWARD!
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I work with the universe enough that Im aware when the universe moves me forward again; a few more; And its happened again; Or its happening again.
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Ill report...
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1. I can see the fight within myself; Im starting to create ladders laid down flat and steps crossing gaps within myself. ITs grown and a whole layer or process of; a whole squadron of ladders are being laid down from the point of END OF SELF; across the gap to adjoining pin pointed areas across the great gulf... the ladders are being places or laid down to walk over or walk on; they lay from my starting point to a lone up truding cliff sitting in the middle of this grand canyon gap. I lay ladders to this. I then lay another ladder from that cliff to the next uplifted singlar narrow rock cliff centered alone in the vast canyon gap. I also create floating steps from my starting to point to the next point in the canyon. or I imagine Im stepping downward into the canyon and walking the floor of the canyon; I hit a peak area; I set steps upward climbing upward to the top and over the peak.
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The goal is; to create pathways all the way across the canyon to the otherside; Whats on the other side? MY NEW LIFE. The pursuit of happiness; the pursuit of All the new things of a new life the way I want it to be. This can include cars houses marriages; girlfriends; careers money; the use of talents; This can include attitude changes and beliefs; this can include spiritual healing; for example: I had no one to ever trust or give my loyalty to; ever! And I was continually waisted by these heartless faithless Godless monster people. I was led on and then psychologically knifed to death over n over n over; dumped discarded and left to die...
In my new life; Im asking my higher power to bring me people worthy enough to have and show loyalty with. People who are of God and are loyal trustworthy faith filled.. people I can have a relationship that love me; Not people wanting to kill me. People who give me a chance when I fall down or dont do things right.
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People that want to kill decent honest innocent people are murder's; They murder everyone soon or later; they are demon based... I dont want that when I cross into my new life; I demand something better then this trash. I want the universe helping me to be who I need to be in my new life.
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NOTE: I fall fare short of all things; I need people to have a heart to allow me to run away a bit but return. I have maturity problems; and life's experiences are to much for me; I crumble. So; when I cant get up again; I dont want them to run off; Certainly this means I have to explain myself a bit if I can... But I havent always been able to; but I did show up again... Ill pray this time and work with God.
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In the past when I showed up; I was already replaced as if I had been forgotten to discarded...
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GOALS; In my new life I have goals and I want the right attitude and maturity to go after these goals. And thus I have to practice creating steps from where I'm at to these goals and desires and manifestations.
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Im like a very immature kid in the backyard trying to learn something new; some new skill or hobby. I just need safe spaces and places to practice under Gods care.
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SO; Im learning that I can accomplish things with Gods help and support groups. The pathway is not always the prettiest or filled with the most popular people; but it will get the job done if I walk it.
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PRIDE;
philosophically speaking; This example applies to may different areas in general I want success within:
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Sometimes Im mad that I have to walk while others take a car in life.. And ive had allot of pride in this area; Ive told myself and screamed out to God; " I wont do it" " if I cant drive like everyone else; Im not going". I want the privilege life.
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In the end; God explained to me that God has created a pathway that will work. I need to practice it and strengthen on it and it will get me to my destination...
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Sometimes the only people taking Jets to the destination are Jet setters; Those who own jets or know some one that does; If I dont have the knowledge or maturity or development to own a jet; Gods got to match my maturity level for the journey. In my case; God might have me walking the whole way; but; Ill still get there! And I have to learn the lesson; that I will get to my destination; and it will require allot of faith in God. And thats my price..
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I have to learn to give way to God; absolutely out of desperation; keep praying and give myself to God on a daily basis until I depend on God and not myself. depending on God and not my limited thoughts; that is faith.
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Alignment with my inner being and source energy of the universe; ( GOd JESUS); Alignment is the key; This is quickened through meditation.
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SO IN GENERAL:
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I can see myself come out of victimhood where Im always focused on the past and what was done to me in the past and how Im a representative of all the victims who have had bad things done to them; Im the poster person for puncture wounds from the devil.
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However; Im done; Im not longer interested in being Brother Victimhood. I want my life back please.
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I would like to be at ground level again learning how to create my life; a forward moving life with Gods and real substance; not fantasy trivia...
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So; working with God; creating new pathways under Gods enlightenment to my destinations. Learning to believe Im good enough for those destinations.
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Learning how to believe Im worthy; learning how to believe In my imagination; ive already arrived and what I want is already there... and I write stories as if Ive already got what I want...
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Ive already aligned with my inner being and higher power and universe; What the universe wants for me and my inner being I also want for me. All in unison; This is done through meditation...
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SO; Im heading to the place of starting my life for the first time out in the real world; the real world were Im going to make a million mistakes and make a fool out of myself in front of others over n over n over; I dont have the experience or maturity for anything less. Ill work with God on all things and I would love to learn how to manifest a story where I stick to my travels and not quit but instead learn to trust God on the trail and bounce from one side of the trail to the other to creatively and with enterprise; learn to create opportunities with Gods help to survive and get my needs met while on that trail to my destination.
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