Standing in front of a women I find really attractive; scares me; she has power that I have no control of. She can go in any direction; she doesn't need me for anything; she might want me but only for a short while and then leave. I do not want to associate with people like that. I want to associated with a women that is beautiful but also nice.
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Heres the problem as I see it so far. I cant stand in front of women and be myself; to intimidating; why? It all goes back to my mother; I can start with that... Any and all experiences dealing with my mother of any sort have created who I am as for as standing in front of women and feeling good enough.
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This is interesting news because Ive not brought up the women standing in front of me; Ive given short description assessment... inventory. But nothing more...
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The point is; I cant stand in front of a women. I cant; shame dis honesty guilt, bad feelings about myself; all of these above; not feeling worthy; you name it.
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You name its; ive got a problem with it standing in front of women. A part of me; parts of me want to blame the women in front of me; and thats where I have another problem; Its dissociation; Im diverting away from the problem into blaming the women in front of me; I have to learn how to get a hold of that flashback and do something with it so im not diverting anymore.
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I want to stand in front of a women and talk and be myself and feel good about myself regardless.
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So; I have to do the work of the dysfunction of what happened with my mother while standing in front of her and what to do about it. So; thats where it starts; and as I write this Im seeing the core of problems within me and a thousand flashbacks so I have my work cut out for me but at least Im hitting on the problem and its not about the women in front of me.
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What if the women in front of me is not into me. I have to learn how to back away if shes not interested and not take it seriously. That will take practice.
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ALl of this stuff will take practice if Im to become the new me or forms of the original me when young. But to over come this; is a major obstacle to face.
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For another post but;
Women have been interested in me but I have to give those women a break; they had no idea who I was or the real kinds of problems Ive had; ultimately I walked away from them and never told them who I was; but I did this because they were not qualified to help me... They were the wrong people.
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Today Im trying to work with God to let go and let God and live my life and allow who ever is suppose to show up in front of me show up in front of me. I have allot of work working through dissociative disorder and the buying and horror that I experienced; not easy; and ending up on the other side of things; the better side where Im living my life again not worrying about the outcome.
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As for women; Stop looking for them; but I was never really looking for them I was looking for the soulmate I had already prayed about; the problem is; for some reason; I was or have not been telling God I want someone faithful that would want to work with my dissociative condition and the inability to being touched. Id have to have a decent human being for that... And so that is hard to find.
So; Im not suppose to find; but Ive made a mistake and attracted the wrong kind of person... Im looking for someone or working with God for someone decent who wants to be with me and help me... Kind person; not cold and mean.... or insensitive. Im sorry I ever attracted those other people; I mean; I feel a bit innocently deceptive; but I wasn't. I was mistakenly attracting the wrong people; and now I want to correct that and bring the right ones in..... God will help me with that; but I have to become the right person first and so I must get through this dissociative disorder stuff enough to come back and feel safe and free again in the real world or in my world....
[ Continued ]