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So tired by brainslug on Sun Jan 13, 2013 5:17 am
Maybe I should stop watching Monk.

I think it makes me more neurotic or encouraging me to stay neurotic, ha ha.

I was thinking about the line that he says in one of the episodes, something like "I am so tired... of being me" or something like that.

I think that is accurate.

Surely there is a disorder for obsessions like this.

Is it asperger's? Is that what is wrong with me? I sure hope not BECAUSE THERE ISN'T A CURE!!!!

This is a horrible partnership of problems, obsession with someone and social anxiety/avoidance. There should be a dark duo, and this would be it.

But I don't know, those two obviously aren't the only things wrong with me. Too much emotions, I guess is one. Does that make me histrionic? Histrionic that appears as avoidant and schizoid, holy 4###.

I would take lithium right now and be done with the crap if I would let me. But I don't want to dampen emotions. I need them, and I think I can be happy - I think so.

If I dampen emotions, I can't get better in other respects.

To tell the truth, I don't even know if lithium would help. I have always been so freaking emotional, crying all the time as a child, but I have had to, at the same time, NOT be emotional overtly because I am afraid to. Li is for bipolar, which I am not. I look like it sometimes writing here, but that's not it. It is something to do with feeling emotions too much or not knowing how to control them.

Everything seems to conflict. There is even conflict in my head. Why can't we all just get along. Why can't I just get along with myself? I can be rational. I can do science and math. Why can't I be rational in my own head?

The sulbutiamine, I like it.

It doesn't do much mentally. It's kinda hard to explain what it does. It makes me feel more comfortable. I feel good no matter how I sit. It is kinda like being cozy or something. Maybe more energy, but I wouldn't know because I don't try to do energy things.

I want to do the PGP. I want to see my genes. But they have an age floor of 21. 21? Why not 18? In a week, I will be able to consent. I will be able to be drafted. But I can't get my genome tested? I can't wait until I am 21. I need my genome. I want an idea of what is wrong inside my brain.

I feel like, if I can just find the right system, everything will be good. Like I am a gear grinding and slipping, but if I could just get locked in the match, I could do it. I don't know how true that is, but I will believe it because it is the best I have.

I think the reason I like Monk is because of his obsessions. The fact that he can't quit thinking about things, and I love it because it makes me feel like there is someone worse than me. Thanks, Tony Shalhoub, for being such a great actor. Monk is the best character. I feel so sorry for him, but it is comforting at the same time.

Also, my hair is too short. I look even worse than normal... not the goal.

I need to, at least, hurry and grow more facial hair. Such a bad idea to cut my hair last night. 3/4 is not this short on the other shaver. The new razor-thing has different sized cutter guards. I could swear my face changes, the bones change. The horizontal symmetry of my face HAS changed. I think it is facial hair that makes it look different. I don't know, though. My face is too heavy towards the center right now, and it is driving me insane.

I have a few pictures where it is balanced. The hair is longer, probably 1+1/4 inches. At least some facial hair. I need it.

The thing is, that part under your jaw, the part that fills in the hollow part partially encircled by your jaw is too low. It isn't fat. I don't really have much fat on my body. It is like tendons and stuff. The stuff above your thyroid. My jaw needs to be more defined, and facial hair does that.

Actually, I think I have gained fat in the past few days. My cheeks are more filled. I think I have more fat on my thighs. It think there is some on my stomach.

I'm not really complaining. I need fat. I am just saying,...

[ Continued ]

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i have alot more to talk about by OMNICELL on Sat May 18, 2019 11:49 pm
Ive been in the twilight zone alone since small childhood; Ive never had one person ask or care who I am; nobody; noth’n; could they have cared; yes; easily. They don't care. And those are not my k...

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I cant remember sex by OMNICELL on Sat May 18, 2019 4:32 am
And so; I move the subject into the matter of sex. And this is especially good; for this is a subject of intimacy ; suggesting my dissociative disorder is waking up; Ive been putting pressure on the...

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am i crazy by tanay on Fri May 17, 2019 5:35 pm
i need help. ive always seen beings that no one else could. i have ALWAYS been running and hiding because ive always felt something after me, fixing to reach out and catch ahold to me at any second. everything...

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Somewhere in time by OMNICELL on Fri May 17, 2019 6:01 am
Not sure how I see my life. Im working with the universes.
.
Im not sure where its at; I have to keep working at it.
.
The people I associate with; not all are very good. Ive had problems with some...

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Goals of being myself again by OMNICELL on Thu May 16, 2019 8:36 pm
Im not myself; not yet; thats to far; that means Im in my childhood and being me again and Im looking out my eyes and Im back; independent and starting to live again where I left off as a child with...

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Re: am i crazy by Snaga on Mon May 20, 2019 3:53 am
They dont tell you what is wrong?

Are you leaving on your own, or are they dischaging you?

Re: am i crazy by tanay on Sat May 18, 2019 6:59 am
thank you for taking time to read my post and comment. i wasnt anyone would. right now i feel pretty much like i always do. hopeless. all the er doctors ive seen think im insane to start with. then they...

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Re: am i crazy by Snaga on Sat May 18, 2019 5:49 am
Hello and welcome to the blogs! I think while you might like to use this to journal, you'll get responses best, in forum. I replied to your post there, and also directed folks to look here, to save you...

[ Continued ]

Re: New here...relationship/mental health question. by Snaga on Wed May 15, 2019 4:45 pm
Hey and welcome!

Well this is a good blog entry, for a blog. But if you're wanting feedback, then yes the forums would be better. Maybe in the Relationships forum? Since it seems as if it's mostly...

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Re: So much hope! by quietgirl2538 on Tue May 14, 2019 10:03 am
Thank you Snaga :wink:

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