June 2025
May 2025
Friendship;
Now; Im starting to understand…
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What league am I in?
This has to do with money and protection.
When I met kids when I was a small kid; they thought they were better then me; but I did not understand. They had families taking care of them; They did not need me… They did not need to be friends with me. And in many cases the children I wanted to be friends with thought they were way to good for me; I mean; I was white trash; They were way above me in league; In fact; their mothers or fathers thought I was someone they could use to keep their child company. I was used more like a toy for their children to keep them entertained and socialized; an object. I had no idea what was going on. I am and have never been white trash. Unbelievable. But these people lived in nicer houses I guess. When I was 5-6 years old; Why would I care or even know the difference; I mean; it was just unbelievable.
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However; red flags. I remember even at 5-6 years old; some of these kids telling me their parents thought my family members (brothers)white trash. My family members were 7-8 years old. My God; are you kidding me? Adults talking like that about little kids. What I didn’t know; I didn’t know the kid I thought was my friend was my enemy; he was never a friend and never would be; he would never care who I was. Its not just that I wasnt wanted by these people; I WASNT WANTED BY ANYONE LIKE THEM; This means more then one family.
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They were of a high social league…
I had no idea what I had stepped into… I was way out of my league; in fact; they were of a high social league; I was of NO league. Nothing in society. I was actually very much a throw away and alone when I was little boy; I just never understood what was going on or what that means. Or; who would care..
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I know now!
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Later when taking interest in girls when I was an older boy; When I finally found someone I thought was worthwhile in personality sensitivity and intelligence; They had no attraction to me! I would end up at someones house who was an established middle class house hold or upper middle class house hold. No One wanted me there… I didn’t know. They thought of me as a loser white trash. I didn’t know.. I didn’t get it! I get it now!
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I really had no idea what was going on. I was ending up around people that were protected by money and family systems; They didn’t want anything to do with me. I was at the bottom of the barrel in social positioning; but I didn’t know it; they knew it; or when they found out I had the attitude of someone who didn’t get to live rich but someone who had been through bad things; they immediately realized I was not one of them; they were spoiled and privileged. And I didn’t know this; I WAS OUT. I wasnt wanted ever again.. I was actually a very nice kid! Innocent nice kid.
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When little with other kids;
However; in many situations I wasnt wanted from the start; and I was played. Meaning; when I was a kid; and contacted another kid who had a good home; they would deceive me; play me into the ground ( I got to come over tho). I was lied to and manipulated ( they were never my friends) . They would lead me on and then pull the rug out from under me. They did this because I wasn't wanted. I was at the lowest level in society to them. They were privileged kids from middle class housing. I was a throw away but didn’t know it.
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HERE I AM NOW:
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God is helping me wake up to what happened to me when I was younger; I was isolated and not wanted by anyone or anything in society; but I didn’t know this! get it at the time.
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I was not accepted or wanted by anyone. Unfortunately; if I made the horrible innocent mistake of ever being around any of these people; I was led on; played into the ground and dumped for the fun of it. No one cared. I had nothing they wanted or needed; they were looking down on me; I never knew; it never occurred to me. It didn’t occur to me because I knew my innocence; I knew my worth; but it will mean nothing to these other kids.
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NOTE; I had no idea just how alone I was. I didn’t know other kids weren’t combing the neighborhood for friends like I was. I didn’t know; the kids houses I played at; those children never wanted me their or liked me. I didn’t know.
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NOTE: Ive mentioned this before; The kids on the average side; the south side; smaller regular homes; Those friends remembered me.. Even missed me. However; I was a smart intelligent kid. I wanted to be around smart and intelligent kids; but non of them accepted me from well to do houses.
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EXAMPLE; ( for fantasy sake)
Imagine Im on a bus with kids but I have lesser clothing quality then they. I don’t know Im different until its pointed out to me that Im not as good as others because my clothing is worse then theirs. Suddenly I know something is wrong but I don’t know what it is. Even if I hang out with those kids; Ive been marked socially. But I don’t know. I don’t know I wont have any friends; I have no idea what is going on. I have no idea no one wants me or wants anything to do with me.
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NOTE: I had no idea I wasnt needed or one of them. It seems I would have to hang out with lesser social level people but nice people… I wasnt accepted by the normal middle class.
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NOTE: Is their something wrong with wanting friends… I guess the more wealthy the more secretive…
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Im not suggesting I had clothing worse then others; Im trying to make a point. The point is; I was hanging out with the wrong people; but the people I hanging out with looked and acted like normal people. I was not accepted by them. I didn’t know this. And I didn’t know this was going to happen. I didn’t know this was happening. But it was…
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So; I tried to make friends with people only to be led on and used for months and sometimes years with people( children) who were prejudice. I had no idea. I didn’t know what was going on.
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I had no one; No one to tell me about the outside world; no one to protect me; I didn’t realize just how thrown away I was. I really had no one the whole time; my whole young life.
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NOTE: Ive seen this all my life. This spoiled pretentiousness from these well to do people of any sort. No problem; as long as I don’t ever meet them… I want nothing to do with them certainly. Im a decent person… its strange to be a decent person and find myself thrown away from society and alone. Im actually not alone for the recovery meetings Im associated with. And I have God. But those meetings have allot of criminal minded people and they will attempt to stalk me at times. Im being stalked right now by some of them every time Im in a meeting. So this is not perfect either.
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After working in success based thinking programs and working with God; I started to see all this; God showed it to me. I never understood I was one of those throw away kids no one in neighborhoods wanted anything to do with. It was all prejudice; thats all it was; I just never knew I would be one of them. If I had known; I would have never spent my time around these stuck-up sociopath people. I would have skipped that part of my life when young; I would have studied more. I know now!
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I thought I had friends. I did not; I had a whole bunch of people using me who thought they were better then me. In fact; I ended up around absolutely the wrong people to ever associate with in this life. Im lucky to know this… Im lucky to be here in one piece slowly getting better.
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I had plans when young; but no way to intercede within any foundational institution to be recognized as talented.
I literally had everything stuck inside my head for the rest of my life.
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IN THE PRESENT>
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Someone brought up the idea of friendship as a topic. Today; what I know? I take the idea to God and work it out with God first and let God bring the right people at my league level that are safe and where Ill be in safe spaces.
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So; I start with God as my protection. God will filter who comes in goes out of my life; to start with. Ill have to work with God to manifest people and places and things…
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WHERE AM I AT RIGHT NOW;
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Im a little over the edge of having the knowledge I need. I can go from here; grow… I still need safe places to go. Ill talk to God about it…
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next day…
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FELT IT TODAY!
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I can feel myself much more present… I feel much more a kin to Caveman; my ancestors; as we both are exactly the same… I get it. We are Dinosaur- Tyrannosaurus-Rex.
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I still need more healing; and Im just waking up to the fact Ive spent a major part of my life around some marginal unsavory people. If I don’t want them around me; Ill go away and take the long rout…
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Im feeling it; I wanted to become present; that is the only way Im going to accomplish goals… I cant accomplish anything in Disney Land fantasy channel… And lately; I just took another major step away from the Disney Channel and back into reality…
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I have a long way to go but a major part of me; but a secluded part of me is present; Something off line; something in the back shelf… Something at the back of the stage with those who get the show together that no one ever sees… Something is definitely present and growing… Good thing!
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Im feeling it today; I will say this; tho… Ive also been exposed to cowards today that would steal my glory; So I have to watch out… Im not well enough to not allow them to bother me… So; I must trust God…
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I have much work to do on dissociation…
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DEALING WITH MARGINAL PEOPLE FROM RECOVERY MEETINGS:
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Not everyone is their to recover; For some; its a social place… anti social personality disorders.. arrogant criminal wannabeezz. Or who ever; Lot of them are unruly; mouthy; Ive had them stock me before. Just didn’t feel like calling the police over it…
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I can go to several meetings a day if I want to for recovery; that's why its important; but I do get caught.. I get caught by lo life scumbags that may enter those places to cause problems.
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I got hit up by a few today. I have to remember; its more their meeting place then mine and I just back off…
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If I was living a normal life; Id be working and have a car; sometimes I have to remember who Im around…
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Everything else is good… slowly becoming present; thats what I wanted… thats what Im working with God on…
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Altho I get set backs; specifically when confronted by the wrong people; It might take a half a day to cool down; I just suck it up and walk away… By tonight and later tomorrow Im coming out of it.
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Ive learned I can get recovery regardless. Im trying to strengthen the walk I take; the pathways… Thats what Im doing here; I have to remember that; its an inside job. Im literally trying to grow up inside myself.. Grow; thats what this is all about; getting back to speed for who I am; coming back to reality; coming back to a place of sanity. Of being aware…
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I still have much work to do…
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The goal right now is to continue to make steps forward in my imagination; creating bridges over gaps… and then walking onto land from those bridges; thus building bases to start the next segment of my life.
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The goal is to get more present and slowly head toward reality; come back to reality.
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Im so in the middle of things right now.
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Im getting close to the beginning of breaking through to something. Im not strong enough tho… I can break down the walls but not handle pure reality; to much for me. Im just not strong enough to break down any walls right now; atho I can see myself doing so; havent got the development or strength or maturity. Im not down the path fare enough yet. Breaking through something may be a ways off; However; I know it will happen.
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ANXIETY DISORDER:
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Im getting better? More sane! Im looking for answers…. I understand I cant get to close to people because I get dissociated up close to people. I have to get help now to work on this and to rebuild my life. At this point; this takes me out of the 12 step groups… This specifies more detailed problems needing a different kind of help.
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The 12 step system took care of core social needs; not being alone or lonely as I worked through my different type of conditions; it kept me active around people and the struggle to interact with the real world; its people.
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However; the goal now is to work with God and Gods helpers to get help rebuilding those up close and personal skills for inner inner activity/ intimacy.
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This is a TRANSITIONAL BLOG:
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Im transitioning finally from a generalized inability to be in reality to a better position of being a bit stronger in reality but now dealing specifically with more specific recognized social problems doe to mental illness…
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So; Im showing signs of moving on; moving forward. But not yet. Im not out of dissociation yet; I still need the recovery rooms. Ill get stronger if I hang on to God Jesus; let God see-for-me; God is my eyes; through the tunnel; for the tunnel is darkness and Im not in reality at these deeper levels; so Im not ready to go anywhere but I am showing signs of getting better… I want to get stronger and come from the depths of tunnels…
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So; Im at a point of exercising development of my life.. Being in life.. Im heading toward that; working on the actual development for that; thats where Im heading; Im getting closer; Im not strong enough yet. But I like the idea of it.
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Im right before this concept of break into a more active life; bouncing into it again. I did it when I was boy up to age 8 ½…
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Ive mentioned in my blogs for years the work of processing information concerning First Love; in order to understand what happened in order to get over it and beyond it. That has basically happened. THAT HAS HAPPENED!~
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Moving in another direction; BeST FRIEND WHEN YOUNG
Now; suddenly The universe wants me to take a deeper look at the fake friendship with my BEST FRIEND growing up when a boy. The idea is; I want to really dig in to what happened so I can let go of the idea that person was ever their for me. I live in a fantasy if I think any association with that person was authentic or good for me; IT wasn't; I was being used.
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I want to become independent of that person and his family; In my mind. I want a new narrative of my past where he is never even remembered or needed to be… That means Im allot stronger in reality in this present; that is the goal. So Ill will be working on all of this so I can become more independent right now.. Ill start working with God.
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Social circle;
I never had a social circle in high school. I had nothing. Im wondering what that is like because as I get better; I may be able to re intact these things in the present for my present life; meaning; a kind of independent new life…? Dont know; its all new.
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Ive had to created with Gods help; a new life. Im still beat up from the street up. However; Im starting to move up in frequency through the universe… With that; I relive or taking through different frequencies and the past starts to show up at different frequencies. Fair enough; I want something new in those social situations.
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ITS HARD>
Many times in my young life I was at my Best Friends house; that was my social development. Now; I realize I was just being used; no one liked me; I had no friends in his house; and he wasnt a friend of mine; it was all deception. I was deceived. I had no idea; I mean; nothing!
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So; I want a new life with a new history. As I slowly learn how to climb back in a life; I will be getting back those confidences; but this time totally and completely independent of all my experiences from my early past. I have to imagine Ive not created any friendships of value yet in my life.
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And I will say; That anyone who has read or studied or looked at my blogs knows how long I dealt with FIRST LOVE> And how long that took to work through; it was major brain surgery to get over and to get back on the other side of it; back over into my life; I now own my own life and she is nothing but a tv screen with information on it that I was looking at; but she was not present anymore in my life; in my mind… and at intimate levels I did not her; her in my brain. Nor was she valued anymore; Not after getting the information from the universe I needed concerning the truth around this person; it just kind of opened up…
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She is now in a category same as my BEST FRIEND growing up. It was all fake… Fake people using me…
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Something else to mention; My problem; being in Disney land channel. I needed my bests friend and his family 1000 times more then he needed me. So; its possible I meant nothing to this person. Its also very probable this person had no sensitivities as I did to having friends; friends meant nothing to this person; outside people; outside his family meant nothing to him. I didn’t know this; IF I had known this I would have never associated with him. I had no idea he wasn't my friend or friendly or best friend. I had no idea he thought differently then I did. I assumed he was a nice kid just like I was and friendship meant allot to him; But I was completely wrong; He did not have any value for friendship; and didn’t need me.
I found out later his league level was way way way above mine… He was never someone I was suppose to associate with. He knew that; I didn’t!
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NOTE: Because of this writing; This blog; This blog is starting to open up things about this person ( Fake best friend) and about my past. Could it be he never liked me AT ALL; from the start. I not only picked the wrong person; but it was complete contempt from the start.. This was my enemy from the start; not my friend. And it never changed; He was a covert bully… I was being manipulated or something?? This is the kind of information I wanted the universe to unveil for me.
Im really shocked as I grow up. As I move forward…
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I was completely the opposite of this person; 100%. And I wondered how or why my ability to make friends was so broken. IT started when I was 5 years old; even before that… I was not picking the right people. I lived in my own dream world. And if things were working out; I never questioned if something was right or wrong with the people I was associating with. Later this will come back to crush me…
I simply had no idea who I was dealing with… Many times rich kids or well to do kids want to stalk or bully other kids into submission of a lower status. Or; they want to set the rules so they are always at the superior levels and they have followers who are inferior. And thats exactly what was going on with this fake best friend; Except I had absolutely no idea of it. I thought I had met a friend for life. I was 100% completely wrong. I have no idea who or what it was I was talking to when I was young; who this person really was. More n more; it gets more scary as I research it.
It looks more like his mother was in charge and simply was using me to make sure her son was not alone and socialized. I meant nothing to them. I didn’t exist; I was nothing other then an object for that time period of childhood. When I started to grow out of childhood; suddenly they wanted less n less to do with me or wanted me around. I had absolutely no idea they were not the people God sent to help me. They were not! They were demonic but looked the opposite in clothing money and household.
I certainly was not wanted; I was being used. I didn’t even need a name. I didn’t know I was being used.
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TO THE PRESENT>
As I get better; I want to process everything I can about a daily experiences with that person; process them; re evaluate them; and my need and dependence on that person; and slowly learn to work my way out of this; with help from God letting go of what ever it was I thought I needed from them. Letting go of them completely; I need to look back at them in horror… Because; thats what it really was! A trap.
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However; if I look back at them in horror; how do I replace all the time periods of development I got at their home… I silently created at their home… ( They don’t know about it). Im working on the idea of re creation of my life; this time going through these same time periods but without these people or their influence. Ill be going solo this time.
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Ill need to start over for my own independence and rebuild my life back from the ground up with out any mention of them or remembrance.. Nothing. Ill be learning how to build a life again without them. That is what God is doing for me. God is sending me back to the beginning of life that I may do it over again with God in complete control and no one else… I wont be led astray this time. God will supply all that I need. I go through God this time; and I can assure anyone reading this; No one like the fake friends I had when young; God wont be picking those kinds of people for my future…..
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SO;
Ill be working on deciphering more information about my BEST FRIEND when growing up… The goal is to refine my search of all information that will slowly weed this person out of my life and memories for ever… That I learn how to work with God and stand on my own 2 feet as I am; with my own private goals.
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MEETING NEW WOMEN and FRIENDS?
Ive been watching YouTube… Ive kind of been watching bachelor channels; What Im learning about is how the presenters look and act; and its kind of where Im going. Its a kind of example of what I want to look like or be like when I grow up; meaning; looking like Ive got my life together… When I Felt that kind of independence; I immediately remembered being like that when I was young. Heading in that direction; However; that was because I thought I had foundations and friends and family; I had nothing of the sort. I was being fooled lied to or used.
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Now unbelievably; if with Gods help I can pull things together; I seem to be growing in this direction. What is wonderful about all of this? No fake friends this time. Im doing it without the co dependency. Can it be done? We will see!
I could not ask for anything better.
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NOTE; Im talking about a vision; to come from where Im at into this vision; the vision becoming true and real. Pure self actualization.. I mean. We will see… Its still way out there…
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This is my dream; to come back as before but with being able to handle the losses of the past… and that seems to be happening; and then to find myself growing into the kind of life I want and wanted; but without any of the people; the fake friends; fake girl friends who were enemies leading me on; who I meant nothing to… and the horrible nightmare sycophants I had to be a part of….
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SO; connections getting strengthened in this area is the goal. Im working on it. Its different; No brother or sister or aunts oar uncles or anyone else from my past time period; Just me! Me and God. I can only say Im working on it. I don’t know what else to say… its a kind of interest concept to see if I can material something like this…
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Working with God meditation;
Meditation; imagination God is bringing the right people and places and things into my strange league level… I've tried writing bout this and imagination it; visualization git; it is not easy; the first things I see and feel are blocks. It seems I'm not at my own level; I seem to think I'm way above my own level.
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So; I will continue to work on meditation and writing up my goals.
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PROBLEMS:
FOOD! FAT…..
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