June 2025
May 2025
New places to Hide!
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Ive mentioned in so many blogs; I failed to finally find any place to actually hide or safe place to practice development when young.
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I tried several times to go outward from the family system and find new families develop in; to find safety; safe accepting people. But Alas; I didn’t work; I failed; I failed to understand one sinister concept; maybe the people I was visiting were themselves bad people who had a false light upon them. They appeared to be nice people at first; but then slowly and surely the light went bad… and their real colors began to show through; They were manipulators who were manipulating me out of anger and hated malice and contempt.
In the most important cases; these people I needed the most and came to believe the most or trust in the most; they were the worst offenders..
In other cases; relatives I had no idea were bad; turned out to be rapists and child molesters and kidnapper types.. and I was subject to forms of horrible abuse and neglect for a long period of time; that left me a useless permanently destroyed person.
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My main focus lately has been my FIRST LOVE. Anyone who has read my blogs will note at this point its understood that my intensive work with a higher power concerning my first love would produce facts about my situation with her that would allow an accurate assessment of that relationship. I need to know what happened; I would have married her. I needed to know! And I found out; And the answer is or was; She did not like me nor feel anything for me. I had swept someone off their feet and she was thrilled at the thrill of it; but that was all. If I didn’t choose to be her parole officer for the next 30 years their would be no relationship. And theirs no relationship with someone that felt nothing for me and did not like me where I would have to be a lion tamer to be around her. When I reached out to God when young while around her; everything switched; I began to wake up to who she was and what whe was trying to do; and she was trying to either manipulate me or get away from me. Ill never really know what her attraction was to me. I can only assume. But it never worked… their was no FIRST LOVE; I was simply being manipulated by a Rich shallow mean stuck up girl; entitlement; nothing real; no morals; lawless… I saw forms of psychopathy. Im sure she was on her way to becoming a full sociopath. She carried the traits of narcissist… Im trying to create a picture here. She was simply a very mean person; she was a cheerleader; and like the other cheerleaders she ganged around with; They were very very bad people. They thought they were above the law; superior to other people in an ASPD way; These were people were a group of very demonic offenders…
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Wanting to get help from the wrong people.
Some of these type of people I ended up trying to get help from; I was looking for someone that was safe; someone that was a savior. Someone like myself a victim from other adults. I was looking for someone sensitive and understanding… Someone that wanted to be loved. I never found anyone!
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I was mentally ill at the times I looked for other people and families to take me in so I could start over and be safe and let out the exhaustion of having to keep it together as a small child or a teenager… Someplace safe.
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I never found anywhere or anyone safe!
Unfortunately the opposite happened several times and with the most significant people. And I ended up getting destroyed and mentally disfigured over n over n over until I was no longer present. And was no longer functional at anything including having my voice anymore; I was not here anymore. I was mentally gone much like those in WW1 on the battle field; Who saw to many bombs over n over n over they could not escape from.
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Id like to get to a point where the offenders no longer have an identity; that Ive worked through enough of the smaller significant events associated with them; I can start using them globbed together as a tribe of offenders or criminal types I accidentally found myself around. They are all similar in anti social personality type… At some point; they are all the same within my stories; They are criminal types that offend and they have little to no other identity worth to my story… Its seems its turning out that way. They were all white collar… So; I was fooled at first…
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I was a thro- away alone and desperate; I needed everything dealing with help from any kind of family… So; it would not be abnormal for me to take the opportunity to end up at someones family if it was offered to me regardless of who they were. I jump at the chance and unfortunately; I will pay for such desperateness. I was starving for everything.. Not food; not at first; but later even thats going to be used against me as a weapon from the home I came from.
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Im trying to make a point out of these writings; Im starting to get to the point where the story has this general theme where Im being overwhelmed by perpetrators.. It seems I cant get away from them. And I probably will not until I can get on my own and physically get away from them permanently; and Im not sure that ever really happens for me until Im much much older… It does happen tho at some point; and within the recovery process I start to look into what happened in my life…
I will never have any success at anything during those years of my young life; with friends; with girlfriends; with future wives; with schooling or talents or careers. Im completely shut out of life at that time. The only hope is to jump ship from those people and places and somehow find God and support and start over. And I had to be broken first for any of this to happen. Being broken made me desperate…
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FIRST LOVE:
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Im now looking at safe places or safe pathways away from this person… Im looking within my mind working with God for safe place to move forward in my imagination to rebuild myself enough to be stronger and strong enough to withstand this person… the memories of this person.
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Im starting to find some pathways. God is helping me go back in time within my past and memories of my past to find my way out; innocent places I remember that I can imagine I escape into and rebuild myself; places I can just sit and be me and allow growth.
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And its starting to happen.
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In my imagination;
In many of the most important aspects of finding these pathways of safety; I find Im so crippled emotionally that God has to be with me to hold me up to move my legs or feet in front of me so I can take the footsteps out of from and away from these type of bad people into a safe zone where I can get help and practice developmentally and slowly get better.
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This suggests how feeble a condition I was in when I met these people or needed help. Emotionally I was so trauma bonded I could hardly function! And at a deep level Im the same; for Im escaping for the first time; Im just using my imagination to do it!
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Im starting to see my future.
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I can see myself in nice conservative clothing…
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I see myself like a psychologist with a PHD; One who had a hard time spelling anything; being intellectual… breaking a thing down into its specific areas of interest to understand a thing; an abstract thing.
I see myself in a room with computer; and Im a communicator… I can see myself right minded dressed conservatively.
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I see myself married say with one child.
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Im creating pathways back to my original life. Its slowly happening.
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For those who might want to know what this Is like; creating pathways in ones imagination. Imagine one is in the state of Montana in the US. And they want to go Home to the state of Alaska. Many different choices and pathways to take. I get in touch with a higher power and alignment with inner being/higher power/universe/source energy/Jesus…
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In my imagination; I began to create footsteps forward; I take 10 steps in my imagination and then I hit a finish button or pad underneath my feet signifying Ive made it 10 steps forward down the path.
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I meditate and pray all the time. Im writing stories about walking down my pathway. I create drawings of my pathways process; pictures of walking down my pathway and creating steps and arrows leading to my destination; but the destination is a square box; and in it is says; Safe spaces. And I put steps in that area to walk… Im working on developing in that play box. And from their I walk out of the box; more steps; drawing paper; I put numbers 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10; diagonal to each other. I see myself coming to a FINISH pad that lights up as I step on it and jump on it over n over over; this pad is at the end of the number sequence I walked to; and its all on drawing paper.. And I go from one safe area to the next; and keep going on paper. And I write stories about taking steps forward in order say; 10 or 20 at a time; and then I jump up and on the final FINISH pad. And it lights up as I stand on it… or jump up n down on it! I then turn and walk forward again; more steps until I hit that FINISH PAD; and I jump up on it happy; Rest; and continue down my pathway of steps…
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Ill create these little ventures; from one number line segment to another; all the way to Alaska in my imagination. And O MY; the things I will learn and the wonderful good it will do for me just strengthening this inner process; Because Im learning how to imagine the journey and strengthen it… And at some point as it gets stronger; I get closer to my goal; and my goal is the real inner me… I become up to speed with myself; as the process leads to myself.. Im building bridges over gaps to get to myself; my better self. My inner being…
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And thats what happening now for me. Im beginning to feel it.
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ABOUT THE PAST:
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Im beginning to under that I would never have a chance in the past ever with anything or anyone. IT was doomed from the start; I will end up trying best I can to escape over n over the scum I had to live with when young; the terrible monsters who destroy people; And I would find no better when I ventured from my home. I would have no hope. No one would help me; I would not be finding those special friends or best friend or girlfriend or anyone else my tiny innocent dreams tried to create to save me…
Turning to God; Got me away from those people; altho I was destroyed and had no hope.
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IN the end I had to get away from everything and start over. And in many ways I have or was forced to.
And thats whats happening here. Im scarred up; Im beat up from the street up!
I got involved in the recovery process and Ive been working ever since on trauma based mental illness and now on trying to come back; trying to find myself and get back enlightenment with myself. I spent years as someone who was destroyed and had nothing but hardness and resentments. Now; I just want to become a more mature person. Have normal relationships; a future with a wife…
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NOTE: Lets not forget substance abuse; because thats what was occurring as well. It started at age 12; The drugs will stop at age 18-19.. The alcohol will start in my early twenties and my later 20’s Ill have a problem with it until finally it turns alcoholic. But; this wont last long because mental issues will land me in the nut house; on my way out; I will meet people who will introduce me to the 12 step meetings and the rest is history!
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MUSIC; This is going well… However, the world has changed. And I am old. So… I want to be a song writer. It feels like everything has flipped upside down concerning music making or creating; whos popular; what songs do I learn from for song writing or lyric writing. So.
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LYRIC WRITING:
Its hitting an interesting place. I may have to start writing on my own; make my own mistakes and learn from them. Go solo a bit on all of this; and learn not just from others songs; but from my own directional interests in music; work at creating until my direction starts to appear… This is a bit more open then Im use to when starting out; Ill have to learn from my own mistakes.
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In the past it was; Pick a Beatles song; study the lyrics; and start writing something similar or practice something similar.
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Now days; I cant find where any group is #1 anymore on anyone's lists… So; Im old; maybe Im not using the internet correctly; I don’t know; Ill keep at it.
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THIS I DO KNOW:
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I have to stop making excuses and just write some music and go perform it. And Im in that place to hear that advice! Im getting closer to working at things again; very slowly! Im working with God; so I have some confidence I will experiment with music stuff and hopefully make something I can share with someone else… We will see where all of this goes.
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Not fixed yet; just getting started; just getting used to everything.
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