June 2025
May 2025
Im having a big problem; Im having a manifestation maturity problem;
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I think someone owes me something; and thats not working.
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I have to do more work to get what I want... more manifestation work; Fair enough; Dear God; bring it on so I can become the kind of person needed to manifest what I want in life...
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I was spoiled.. I was spoiled with money and cocooned when younger living off my Grandmother; I really didnt care; I was mentally disabled and could not function; All of her money did me no good; I couldn't function. I need to be at some place where I could function. But I got used to having cars bought for me. Anything I wanted; this went on for a few years. But I really didnt get anywhere; I didnt want anything accept to die or get my life back... and I didnt know how to get my life back. Im now trying to get my life back. I never really wanted a car because it didnt make any sense; I wanted my life back and to be safe... If I wanted a car; that was my business not someone elses.
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The same people that were murdering my body and soul and raping me were also buying me a first car as if they were innocent...
My first Car was non of their business.. My life was non of their business. That pathway was non of their business.
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I did not want to be around those people; or their neighborhoods or houses. I felt stranded there; I just wanted to go home. I felt stranded and so thrown away for so long; nothing really mattered anymore; all my dreams were gone.
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Now I kind of believe again a little concerning some dreams... Im trying to work with God on where to start...
Now; Im still kind of like the guy at grandmas... Busted up; but I want to get my own car. The problem is maturity; trauma bond... abuse.. going beyond the abusers; victimhood... Mandhood maturity.
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NOTE; I have to give way and allow God to do this work; not me; Im suppose to turn this over to God..
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I have to go beyond the sexual abusers and into my own manhood. This may be the first time Ive ever attempted this. Especially with something like a car; to manifest something that requires responsibility and more... Ill have to work with God on this... Becoming that person.
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Ill start with something less then a car; Ill start at the beginning; but Ive kind of done that kind of; Ill work with God on it; maybe I never have... it seems in these areas all Ive ever done is watch TV since 4 years old; so their is no maturity in these areas; Ill take this to God and ask GOd what to do here... I mean; non of this makes any sense to me... Why isnt God helping me with this.
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NOTE: I have no maturity in certain areas; several ares; its been all escapism and AVPD Dissociation. Anxiety disorder.
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Im hitting a wall; Ill ask God what the next move is; its frustrating. I have to come up with new stories of what I want; positive stories... to become the emotionally equipped person I want to become.
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Im not sure where to recover for this... or how...
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I have worked with laws of attraction.. Im waiting on God to help me with new stories? I guess. I guess Ill try them. Keep working at them...
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It seems like Ive been violated down that pathway so many times since the beginning of my childhood I do not feel safe; that pathway that would create a truck. Ill talk to God about this. Im making excuses...
Im trying to cross over to the other side of maturity...
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NOTE: So; to get started down this pathway of maturity might be harder then I think.
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Im trying; Im working on it. Ill keep working on it; Im not sure i understand GOds choices for me; or what is going on here. I dont get it. I just want to be safe or I want transportation answers... With out transportation; some of my goals cant be reached... Am I wrong wanting these goals? Am Im not supposed to want these goals... ?
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Its like Im a 7 year old with no parents taking care of him... Im trying to do something about it... Get God involved.
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Im not sure....
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ART WORK:
A new miracle for Art work. Art work broke through again; Me becoming an Artist again; it broke through even more. Now; Im a serious committed Artist if I want to be. My feelings have become self actualized in this area.
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Thats what I always wanted for my Music and my Art; and its officially happened for Art; Kind a.? We will see. it did break though. Did it break through completely on this new ground; Well; maybe 60% of this new ground; the rest is still a little hard... So its not complete.
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Its like buying the right vehicle but the engine isnt running on all cylinders yet. The real news is I manifested what I wanted... and that seems to have happened...
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So; Im watching success occur... And Im so grateful to have become that person again; that serious dedicated artist... if thats what I want to identify as; and I do... I can. And thats the kind of thing I was closed off to for years and years; my true identity... My interest in taking Art work seriously in this world is an indication of my independence to choose my own identity and stand for it.. Im at that frequency.
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So; Im watching manifestations occur completely; complete self actualization on becoming myself again.
MUSIC creation; Im hoping will become the same thing; I can feel the feelings; they are close; Ill see.
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I want to say; as for the actual creation process; it takes work. All IVe asked God for is the ability to believe again so ill do that work. So Ill play around with sound and color because I get off on it; I dont want to do anything else and I want to do those things with sound and color all day long. That I be free to accept this part of myself and go do these things when I get up in the morning. Do it because I like to ... It makes me feel good.
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Art has broken through to this. Its broken through; no one owes me anything; doesnt mean Im a trained art person; doesnt mean Im any good; just means art has come back into my fold... thats what it means...
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It means Im inline with art and being the artist by sanity choice; its more of a privilege because its indicates the sensitive human personality I have. Its a perfect complement to my personality; its exactly what I should be doing every night..
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Ill should be doing a lot of things; I dont know what they all are... not yet... But Art is me... Well; I am me and Art compliments me! Who I am. its part of my temperament identity. ITs natural for me to want to be into Art... Thats my frequency in life. So is music creation...
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Now; if only I can do the same for owning a truck... ill work with God on this. The Truck thing has me stumped; confused a bit... Ill work with God on it. I have to learn to believe; and I have to be at the frequency...
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I see arrested development when it comes to vehicles or taking care of a vehicle. I see money as the main issue for all the problems associated with a vehicle. no problem; So; God does not want me having a vehicle? I would be more well off not getting involved in vehicles. So; Im suppose to ride a bike during the winter??????? Im suppose to take bus rides to resort areas for vacations... OKE... I see no maturity; zero.
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Im suppose to rent cars... OKE...
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If I want to go to 20 different places in the summer; wouldn't it seem smarter to get some kind of used car? maybe not... transportation. I dont know. Ill talk to God about it; This pathway is just useless... Im not sure what that means; no self esteem down this pathway... Im not sure! This could be the pathway of work job career; and its those things that bring the vehicle. SO; Ill talk to God about what brings the vehicle for me in my situation.... I guess...
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I just assume God has someone send me vehicle and God pay for everything else. or show me how or I find a chest of gold in the hills; I dont know... I guess I have to learn to believe; I may have to start over at the age of 3 years old; and think like a 3 year old; dream like one. and then age 4 and ager 5 and age 6 and age 7; and.... just keep going down the number line talking to God about whats missing so I can come back to reality on this subject. Start getting some maturity on this subject.
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It seems like this subject of cars is completely blocked; and I just want to know why? and is it suppose to be this way; is God sending me a message; NO TRANSPORTATION FOR YOU!!! is that what God is telling me?
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i dont know...
I dont get any of this.
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Anyway....
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Ive been using Art guided meditations; I see the real me coming out... Victory over this one subject! I get to keep my identity... I win!
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