July 2025
June 2025
Why dont I have a girlfriend; This is a very good question; something I need to write about. But its because I dont want one because of the quality of women these days.. or; Im pathological and seeing everything and everyone like my mother or the other women I was associated with when young; they were all monsters. And Ive met many more. And its black n white. I dont want those type of people around me; or monsters around me like that.
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Its definitely an area where I have no recovery...
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Ive had moving recovery in every other area accept women. But Im not sure Ive actually done any work concerning women.. Not really.
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Porn... I watch allot of porn? I guess. Im stuck in my room.. I dont just want porn,. I guess I do what most guys do if their stuck alone in their apartments all day. mix of porn and criminal channel on YouTube... I like Facebook groups; I write allot.
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I would rather have a girlfriend then porn...
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So; this tells me my emotional age dealing with women or concerning women. I see sexual abuse.
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The porn for me is avoidance... just like the agoraphobia is avoidance.
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And it could mean a whole lot more; ill have to explore it.
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I was just at a night meeting and I started talking about women.. I called them Bi__chs.... and hatred and anger and resentment and contempt and.......... And I thought. Damn. Will this ever go away. What am I mad at. The pathway is not worth it; I spit on them; so; that is a form of contempt. Is that what I really want. Am I sunk for ever; is their any point to recover here. anything...
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What am I mad about; mad at; I certainly can do step work on it. What about the women that are not evil.
I was in a meeting and some sociopaths or psychopaths in that meeting; I dont like them dont need them near me. contempt and hatred. They are men not women. So; Im a just person that does not like injustice; and I have met very few women I think are just. But then I thought about it; and I thought. the only women I should be thinking about are the ones I date and no other. Why am I not dating anyone. Is it the porn. Or is the porn just another escape because of the pain. Im not just porning; Im escaping in several different ways because I cannot get a relationship. I dont believe Ill find someone with any depth to understand a clue of who I am and what Ive been through... I see women only caring about how much money I have to take care of them and their deception to fool one into believing they actually like me when they dont; they just want to be taken care of. Those type of women dont care who I am. Im certainly feeling sorry for myself or making up a bunch of excuses. Ill have to work with God on this and get to the core of it. I can see it. its the abuse of the past... So; Ill have to get into it.
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This has something to do with what Im doing or not doing with my life. not sure it has anything to do with women. dont know. But Im mad because I cant see myself ever getting past the damage in that pathway that graduates to dating anyone; seems impossible and Im resentful that anyone would not accept me where Im at. I cant help where Im at... Im trying; does that matter. I seem to pathologically think women owe me something or everyone owes me something. When in reality; Im hurt person who is way sensitive to everything and everyone.
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I really get scarred when Im around someone I think I can trust or looks the part is educated and easily believed and find out they are scamming me; that is something else Im afraid of; Ive never met anyone that took me for my worth; Ive always been on the defensive for a reason. I dont trust people. I dont want to give one more another chance. No thanks; people are dangerous.
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Ive never met any women that were worth anything. I know their must be women like me... Im worth something; Im sensitive person. Actually in my Facebook groups; all kinds of people and women just like me... But Im mad because I dont know any... and Im not sure where I would meet them.
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So; Im mad at the work Id have to do to meet people. and be exposed for being less them what Im worth. I dont want to be judged. Im also scared of meeting up narcissists and stuff. So tired of that...
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Things dont have to be perfect; I just have to get enough recovery to get on my feet.
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With guitar; I couldnt play for 40 years... I finally broke through; Now I can play solid chords and play them smoothly; Im a beginner student level. That means I moved up about 2 levels to a place of being serious. I play with a metronome... I dont have to bring it up at a meeting or therapy; I already broke through. if I want to get better; its up to me. Im not blocked.
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Same for ART; its open to me at this point; basically; I broke through.
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Music is OK; but Im stuck with lyrics... I have to learn how to write lyrics until its non issue. So; walls exist with lyrics.
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As for women; Walls exist women! its actually no different then lyrics or when I couldnt play guitar or music or art. Im not sure why Im so scared about it; Ive got walls that need to be worked through. just something really deeply bugging me about it; ego thing. Damn≥ Self worth on the line kind of thing.
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