July 2025
June 2025
Well; I'm doing better. I mean? Ys!
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I'm still lost concerning art! Its like I'm in the skizo fantasy world; Like a stoned addict walking around the city talking to themselves stumbling; telling everyone their super man and can fly; I mean; its out of this world.
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I'm not in reality yet concerning the arts. I want to buy new stuff and protect myself and fool around with it; meaning; musical equipment; but not really do anything with it.
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I'm dissociating when it comes to creating music and performing music and I'm taking it to God to ask; What's Next! I mean; what am I missing.
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I'm passive in a state of fawning and people pleasing; more trauma bonded and useless and cant move or just don't care.
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Back story; of having my independence taken from me to the point past rebelling; just walking away from life and never returning and no one cared; completely alone as if I was never wanted or never born.
Well; I Was never wanted; but that was not about me or my fault. As for being born. Here I am. The problem is; I'm kind of stuck. I mean; I'm looking for ways out of the work necessary to create something real and perform it.
Its like; part of me is;' I wanna be a super star or forget it. Its all ME ME stuff and about being noticed; Nothing about the art on its own merits. or the commitment to the arts. I don't seem to have any commitment to the Arts. This has to do with my childhood and back story.
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Its like I'm all talk and nothing. Iike I'm in a dream world where I'm living on the streets and my mind is gone.
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I'm scared to death about the work and commitment of this stuff and scared Ill make mistakes because I didn't take responsibility. I feel like a broken teenager that's just going to be laughed at again.
I don't what to do.
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I think I want to create or do Art; I guess. Ill talk to the universe about this. I dont want to be judged. I don't know what I want.
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I guess I'm afraid I wont be very good at any of this in the performance areas.
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However; a strongly written song carries the song writer through.
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I'm not committed; I mean; I kind of like the sensitivity of the direction but have no other free feelings; I feel all the abuse of my past and being controlled by abusers from the past; everyone controlling me.
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Lots of PTSD rage and repression; Like I'm going back into society again where I cant protect myself.
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The key is to talk to God about this.
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I know I don't have to perform around anyone I don't want to; I don't have to be a busker on the street if I don't want to.
I seem to be missing something. I'm missing something right from the start. I think its the work ethic that goes into all the work of creating and performing music. However, my dissociative disorder is in the way.
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I'm not sure; lots of pressure here.
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The goal as far as I know is to create music and perform it. However, at some point; I collapse and end up buying a new key board or guitar or computer for music or something. ITs like adding sugar to the cake so I can fly away feeling good while I'm dealing with all this.
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When I think of the lonely commitments of all this; I see the faces of abusers from my past.
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So; There is a journey here. Ill have to work with God on this.
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I've been looking at new computers and new synth keyboards; some very expensive. Here we go again.
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However, in the real of guitars; This has stopped; I own 2 guitars; one acoustic and one electric and that's it! I sold the other and probably sold another years ago.
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The problem is keyboards; I've got 2; but neither is really in the real world for what I want to do. These things are more for a studio; . I don't have a studio. These synth keyboards are nice. But I have a rule; Only 2 keyboards; no more for my small apartment.
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SO; I either give them away out of frustration or sell them. I never really used them ever. I mean;. that's what happened when I was more seriously mentally ill; I mean; I could buy something relative to my interests but not touch anything or be apart of anything; and in the process I would by several synths that would just sit in the closet because SOME DAY IM GOIND TO USE THOSE SYNTHS KEYBOARDS SO I BETTER HOLD ON TO THEM>
Well; I've got some things in my closet that are 30 years old; I've never used them. So; for me to buy something new; They have to go. All keyboards have to go.
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SO; what will I get in there place; Thats what I'm working on right now.
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I'm looking at this from a performance point of view; equipment for performing.
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Id have to write the music first and memorize it.
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I know I'm starting to talk to myself again and those antagonists from my past; it means I'm hitting the wall of my ability to deal with reality; This whole thing is to real for me; to much fright of being in the real world. Its scary; it reminds me of being cornered by bullies.
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I have to follow God.
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I'm in recovery; I'm in a kind of life rehab and I think music is suppose to be part of that; Ill work with God on that.
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I'm hitting a wall of frustration; I don't want to act out where God did not create a journey for me.
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Its very confusing right now. I've never understood what God wanted concerning my life; what to do or study or be a part of; I don't know. I'm not getting answers from God.
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I hate it when I don't get any answers from the universe. I feel like I'm wasting my time in the wrong direction.
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I've been fighting over getting a new keyboard; but it makes no sense; its the child in me. The problem is; its 2 expensive; It just is. Its like a compulsive buy with no purpose. Will it help me compose; NO! Will it help me perform; NO! I mean its a machine; it can help assist but that's all. And it really cant help with that either; its just a machine and I'm trying to find excuses for buying it. Its like dope. Its like being addicted to running away. So; I'm at that point where this is just so blatant and open; its like buying candy or cake to eat as much as possible to make all the frustration go away.
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Its not working because things are just 2 expensive. I mean; its clearly; I'm doing something to escape. Its like; if I buy expensive things; it means I'm rich or wealthy and I can stay in that dream world. Instead of actually learning how to become wealthy. Its a sign of my poverty.
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Its like being on the street and I buy a new bed to put on the side walk and thus; I tell myself I'm moving up in the world. Its full poverty thinking.
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So; I've got to talk to God about all of this. I'm being seduced by material stuff. ITs hard to admit.
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I need to talk about this further. I mean; its a compulsive addiction; I never use the equipment. I get this idea in my head and its exiting. Then a few months go by and no results. I never use the stuff I buy; It just sits. And I feel terrible. Horrible. Its all poverty.
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Ill take it to God. And ask and keep asking what my goal or role in all this stuff is; what am I suppose to be doing with my life; where is the journey to my life.
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It feels like I'm always ending up at a gambling casino metaphorically speaking. I mean; I never end up actually doing anything other then acting out in some addiction to get me high; and I guess buying things is one of those places to escape. When I buy something I feel like I've accomplished something. When in the real world; I've done nothing. I just want the glory and the praise for being a good boy. I want that gleaming pat on the back.
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Its all poverty and EGO; self delusion and narcissism.
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Its all poverty; I want instant candy that's all the depth I have. The rest is rebellion and contempt.
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I really don't care about anything; I haven't for most of my life. I'm not that stupid.
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So; a journey is required. Ill talk to God about it.
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