July 2025
June 2025
Its hard to admit; the wonderful qualities God gave me and the only people to date were are were worthless predictors; is that all im ever going rot attract.
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The biggest problem I had with my first love; the first girl I fell for; She Or IT was a worthless predator; thats all that individual was.
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At some point; I have to stop looking at the other guy and look at myself; look at what Im doing to myself. Why! Why am I doing this to myself. Why am I attracting these people; for what reason am I doing this; what am I getting out of this. I have to ask the question. am I getting back at my parents or brothers or false friends from the past.
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I just wanted a nice girlfriend; thats all Ive ever wanted; but the outside world was not made up of nice people... or I gave up on the idea that nice neighborhoods had nice people; instead I saw covert spoiled pathological snobs that I did not fit in with and could never compete with. So I was completely out of luck.
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The women I have attracted or was attracted to or allowed into my life; all of them sociopaths of some type; not one was a person I could be friends with; and many I did not know this.
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I tried to made these people out to be something they were not; and this scares me and is closer to the truth. Im attracting these monsters and trying to make them out to be something they are not.
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The first red flag is that Im crossing a line of values; Im dropping my values and identity; my boundaries; Im walking right over my own boundaries to these monsters and acquainting myself with them; with the hopes I can help them... and then they will be my little pets and like me. I mean; its the mentality of an 7 year old; not a problem; I love the 7 year old me... But if I wanted decent innocent people to date; Ive got to go find them... Its very strange its like Im blind. And Im walking forward right into the darkest ally I can find and dating what ever women are hanging out in that place and Im seriously confused when everything quickly goes wrong.
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The first girl I loved said I meant nothing to her. Why would I bother with someone like this. How did that happen; It must have been someone else. Someone else did this to me. It couldnt have been me. It couldnt have been me that dated her; its possible that it was another me within me. I never dated her; just liked her and showed up around her and secretly fell in love with her when I saw her potential and the way we connected naturally with each other. But that is horrible because their was nothing natural their; it was planned; she was pre planning it; doing it on purpose... instigating. Im looking for the right word... Like a predator; setting someone up for a trap. intention. She was not interested in me... I dont know. insane.. But these were insane people. What was I doing around insane people; I was attracting myself. But they were attracting me.
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I was attracting monsters that destroy people. People destroyers and I dont want to admit it but I just did. And so; I have to look at this because its costing me. I have to get some help for this...
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Im going from someone who was destroyed; someone who was hiding in the bar when young; who had no place to go; no one in this life; all alone. thrown away. Nothing to go back to ; suddenly just memories.
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Its like I was put into state mental health housing then regular housing through the state; Then half way house and now Im interested in going out into the world again on my own. Thats the metaphorical view of it.
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The point is; Im slowly choosing to come out of agoraphobia; meaning; coming out into the world again because I want to. Its got things I want. Ive worked through the past enough. I mean; I understand when I dont blame anyone else; I see my own behavior and what ive done and what Im doing to my own life and what I know things have to change.
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Going out into the real world to make things happen; much different animal. Lots to learn and lots of chance taking. Women, money, cars; what ever it is Ill work with the universe.
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Im already feeling the terror of this. its turning me white and pale... whit'r then a ghost.
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So. I may feel like puking numerous times as I take chances out here. But out here Im wanting to go.
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Im feeling it as I pray about getting a car; something extremely real about this. And it is scaring me to death,.
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As for women; scared to death because ive never attracted anyone ever. Ive never attracted any ever that even resembled a human being; never; all monsters; all predators; all of them.
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Something went wrong between what I wanted in my thinking and what showed up. I guess Im scared to death to go out with someone nice... I dont feel good enough; up to their league. even in the same ball park; what ever it is; Im going to have to change because I cant go back to the useless brainless nonsense I came from...
Im attracting monsters that destroy human beings.. Why am I attracted to them or letting them into my life. For what. maybe to abuse me and destroy me because I dont care anymore what happens to me.
Well; Now Im starting to care...
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I knew something was wrong with the first girl I fell for. meaning; when things went wrong; I knew something was wrong. major... I had some how been attracted to or attracted a human monsters; why. Why was I not attracting nice girls. I mean; I am a nice person.
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Ill have to really look at myself on this one and really look at all this and find out what Im looking for and who I have to become to attract nice people. maybe I dont like the requirements. But Im finished with anything else; this is insane...
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Im not sure about anything; but as I move forward; I ask God; Dear God; create for me my love; that she come down from above; O Venus... God is creating my Asian soulmate; Thank you universe. God has created my car... Thank you universe. God has created money for me; Thank you God.
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And so it rows...
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and so I write up more about pathways opening and becoming aware of the things God is sending me... and giving me.
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Concerning cars
concerning money
concerning women relationships and Asian soulmates
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The honey moon is over...
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Im more into reality now and moving into the next step...
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The goal is taking full responsibility for all of these areas; and I could include a house; but thats just 2 much right now for me... Ill start with the other three first.
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These three are my purpose in life. They are what is and has taken the place of me going to the bar overnight and drinking or getting drunk or singing Karaoke with other drunks... I havent been technically in the bar for a very long time. but the bar at times is in me... and Im learning new pathways... So; Im learning how.
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I have to create the dream first; believe in it and believe its going to happen before I can live it.
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So; Im on to learning how to do all those things...
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Narcissists...
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Dont know; I know that Ill have to tell someone how I feel this time. But the last people Ive fallen in love with are scary; and Im afraid the universe had to rescue me; I dont get it; I thought the universe sent them... am I missing something here. Ill take it back to the universe.
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