June 2025
May 2025
In Transition;
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I cant describe what kind of transition Im in; its a new kind of transition as its from a person with D.I.D. Dissociative disorder…
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Its all about Identity. When the therapists; Years ago, I worked with; They told me it was an Identity disorder; They weren't kidding…
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Im trying to find my way home when; The only thing I have left is my memories… Thats all I have to work with. Its Oke; concerning Im working with the universe; With the Universe( God; Jesus); anything is possible. The alignment of my full memories of my childhood is what Im looking for because then; that becomes me fully; I get myself back… I win! And I have me back; direction and history and every thing; Ill continue to work with God on it.
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Im in the middle of this. Its incredible Im this fare…
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However; As I work through the past and move into the present and learn “ On My Own” With Gods help and direction; learn tools brought to me from the universe develop a practical method of moving outward into the world; where I can feel safe walking down pathways to new God created buildings of purpose; places when entering; ( in my imagination creating through God people on my side); I have many friends and allies ( created in my imagination on my side); on my side that want to see me develop into the God directed source of Light that is looking down on us governing everything. From this perspective of safety and guidance; it does seem the right way to live at the moment. To create pathways on paper in writing and drawings and visualize in my imagination over n over; 10 thousand times; the kind of safety life I want; under the care of God and Gods will for me; not my will!
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This is all unknown to me. Its like Im blind and a light is shining in my mind and heart and soul and nervous system and all over my body as within me I am creating the outside world; All of me is creating the outside world I want to be in. For this to happen; God must take over; Universe must take over… Tools developed I use. Mind tools; to imagine a new process for learning how to function and survive outside in the outside world… Pathways from my apartment to other places; like buildings with other purposes set up from God; places to go; people to meet kind of thing. My inner being knows who they are; and God and Universe and Sunny Jesus knows who they are… And I want them to tell me who they are and teach me and show me and teach me to have hope again… and believe! I have to bow down to God for this tho…
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HOW DOES ALL OF THIS FEEL; IT feels strange and out on a limb but its working to carry me forward…
Sometimes; I don’t like all this mental Chemotherapy… Im so tired of emotional; mental health spiritual cancers that need antidotes for my survival; That's all life seems; I have spiritual mental health based personality cancer and what antidote do I need to practice this week? Does it ever ever end?
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Im an old man; Im complaining; Fair enough; But Im just getting started to move on from 6th grade and Im now legally old… I truly am complaining; Im extremely grateful to have survived all of this and come to a place of safety; a place I can look back and say; I was in that desert earlier in my life but Now Im more in the grasp of civilization and wont be going back to that desert. I wont be going back because its my internal self that has become enriched again; God and the recovery systems Ive participated within; within half my life; are the reason for the change. This is very important because it means no one can take it away from me as they took my whole life away from me when I was a child and then set me adrift and snuffed me out… God has me working independently on self… I still have a recovery process with others; but for the internal self; I have to learn to speak up and get help and do the work. Its hard when one has no more interest in life; but I showed up.
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Im slowly but hopefully consistently working toward systems and tools I can use to survive in the outside world in the present so I can have some kind of decent life… what ever is left of this life…
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I never got any help before when young… I had everything stripped from me and I was left as if I had never been born; I can assure the reader; NO ONE HELPED ME: NO ONE CARED… I was not an adult at the time! That should say something about the human experience and the humans that occupy this planet… Not just the ones who did me in; but everyone else…
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Blaming an 11 year old for not knowing how to be a mature adult; is a sickening thing and its pure evil. Little kids whether 7-11; They are not responsible; they are suppose to have society take care of them; not butcher them… This is my home land.. This is wrong! Its the most horrific of pure evil! Anyway….
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Now on the right track;
I appear to be on the right track… I can feel new things… Im getting stronger. Im just not sure how God is going to pull this off where its a satisfactory result.. I mean; I want my life back. I guess God can do that regardless of whats brought back from the past; As long as I follow God and work with God on a daily basis… And I guess Im grateful.
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I am truly grateful…. For this horrible plight that destroyed my life beyond ever coming back; This pure evil is no match for God; and God is and has proven that. I am yet another example of Gods work to save a severed destroyed broken person with no hope… Now; everything is different. But; where do I go from here?
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THE PROBLEM;
Im grateful for God rescuing me; But it seems the only place I can exist is on the boat I was rescued as it makes circles in the harbor… And I sitting on the back port of the boat with the rescue gear; I just kind of stay their walking in circles or sitting in on the back port of the boat with the rescue gear; Never leaving. Im not drowning in the water; it looks like I have a fairly good chance of sustaining. Im in the back of the boat with the life rafts and rescue gear and; well; and so on… and the boat continues to make large vast circles as it drives around the harbor; But it never lands; its almost unseen I think from the onlookers at the port… No one really knows us or sees us…
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The point is; its like the lord has saved me; but Im stuck as usual in the harbor with no outside life… Im just kind of making circles in the water…
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NOW WHAT:
And thats what Im working on now; a plan with God to learn how to make pathways in Gods pathway from my apartment to destinations God has chosen for me; thus that I can participate in life. And Im in the middle of this; and its stressful. I have to imagine God and is Angels are with me in my apartment going with me; surrounding me to that destination of his choice. Or; what he present to me.
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It starts in my imagination; I begin to allow God and his Angels into my apartment to appear; we then all leave together and walk out the door down a pathway; I am protected by God and his Angels; I end up at a house; the pathway leads to their door; the door opens and we are greeted by friendly smiling folk who ask us to enter; we enter and the experience at that point is friendly and meaningful. My inner feelings have a place and purpose.
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And their it is; Or I will be taken to a church and I will pray and maybe meet someone their… This is all happening in my imagination; And the more I practice it in my imagination; the more it will start to show up in the outside world and the more my confidence will build….
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The problem is; Im exhausted from recovering; I never get to live my life. All I ever get to do is work on replacing what was lost but never anything else… never actually living a life… Living a life of satisfaction is to gain relief and I am getting that relief. I am surely grateful for that… but the work to create a actual life has not started yet; Its pre paved concerning starts right now; I am starting to tap into the ocean a bit and just kind of feel around and get used to it; metaphorically speaking.
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ART
MUSIC
RELATIONSHIPS…
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Art and Music; They are completely restored in the nature I needed or wanted I think; Im feeling good and fully independent about that; meaning my ability to participate within them is safisfied. At this point; I mean; Theyve been restored enough for me to go for it and start working with these concepts and tools and start creating something… Ive got all my questions answered concerning getting reconnected with the outside world and with myself concerning purpose for music and art ( ,Meaning its solid and good enough for now; its real); Ive gotten enough; Ive gotten enough tools and training and connection back to participate in the real world. This doesn’t mean Im any good at anything; and it doesn’t mean I have the character for a work ethic; I can work on that with God at a later time; What it does mean is; Music and Art Creation are BACK! They are mine; they are PRESENT… They are not ideals from the past I wish or hope I can be apart of that were taken from me. God has restored all parts needed for the present for me to make stuff. Im satisfied…. Its here; they have arrived. I have arrived with them to use these tools. Its a beginning; Im damaged goods; but enough of me is here; is present.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
Relationships are another story; They will take more work; and that work is being done and results are made. However; it seems Im going from one stage of recovery to another with no end… when it comes to relationships.
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Ive never faced relationships… Ive never been able to over come them or recover from all of them… Ive never been able to tell someone I liked them when I actually liked them. And if the person actually liked me; Meaning; romantic relationships; I did not have the courage for such things to stand in front of them and tell them how I felt; I was way way way to afraid of horrible rejection or dejection. I did not want someone else to tell me no; they weren’t interested in me; the inner me.
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PROBLEMS:
I started asking women out finally as my mental health got better after much work; but I wasnt that much better. I noticed that I could be like a shark and like cold steal; ask her out. Yes; it worked… but what good was it. It didn’t seem like anyone I asked out liked me. They liked everything else about me but me!
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I refused to attempt anymore interaction with them because I could not create a meaningful relationship from them. I just kind of stopped in my tracks and gave up…. I was not creating meaningful relationships with meaningful people; and thats the problem; I was trying to create relationships with the wrong people, All of my life ive done this…..
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However; I was finally able to ask out women I actually found attractive and one I actually liked at one time…
The girl I asked out that I liked; this was several years ago; She was so over my league level; I had no idea; I kind of made a fool out of myself.
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In the past after her divorce; when I was much younger; at that moment I had the ability and opportunity to have her for a weekend; but unknown to me; that was all. She would have not been my friend and she would have never married me or had a relationship with me… She was way up on the league level. She had numerous options with wealthy people. In many ways just knowing her was kind of ridiculous…
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This is not the kind of person I want to meet. I want to meet someone in my own league… have God bring them; That is the work Im doing now…
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However; Im still hardly over the past I just worked out of; and Ive worked out of it just enough to slip by the past to move forward… So; I'm so exhausted.
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Several of the aspects of the past are still not completely undone; However; More of me that is in control has taken over in power with help from the universe and Ive made such progress Im well past any point of ever going back nor needing to; but the trauma and grief at some levels and sadness still remain; in fact just enough to take over a little bit; but not enough… 85% of me or 100% of me is present for a new life; but my mind is still taken over by the haziness of numbness and all those thoughts for years that ruled me; they are still still spinning around my mind like a colored kaleidoscope… But they have little to no power because their influence does not exist anymore; they are not connected to me anymore; They are simply spinning around in my head like ghosts of a headless hoseman.
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The other problem is severe long term PTSD; CPTSD; From one past world to another; one movie screen in my head to another that constantly causes stress when its playing. Sure; Im so much better then I used to be, In fact; I might be able to live my life again outside. I might just happen if I keep this up; and this is an incredible thing to say; to have sanity; alas I still have high levels of PTSD; Its just that I have so much more openned to me now through recovery… Its like having an open mind for new life and having PTSD long term; its a kind strange combination… its like having long term PTSD and now having a smile on my face for all the wonderful things that are happening for me; the possibilities… its kind of like that.. Its like horror and happiness and hope mixed at the same time…
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However; today Im more interested in and mainly interested in my happiness in the present not living in any other part of the Disney channel fantasy world ot the past… I don’t need to; Thats what Im kind of saying; Im being transformed back into a human being Right Now; that lives and lives in the present and gets his needs met here in the present; That is the goal… Learning to get my needs in reality.
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THE GOAL OF LIVING IN THE PRESENT WITH DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER….
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Nothing can be further from the relative truth then to have a dissociative claim they don’t live in the past. A true dissociative lives in many many pasts and presents and flashbacks and alter personalities; so much so that it will simply paralyze them into a full disability through the state where they (I) am so catatonic and schizoid they cant have relationships nor participate in any kind of activities; They are basically grounded in a plexy-glass of suspended animation. The PTSD blinds me and the dissociation makes it that I don’t know where I am… Im not in reality.
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The rescue boat example; Metaphorically speaking!
So; Here I am; very weak but actually healed up in some ways… solid? No; but maybe yes at a very low level; does that fit; it means Im out of the water; Ive been rescued and Im now on the rescue boat; I wont be going in the water again; that is if I can get the boat to dock and get off the boat onto dry land and start learning how to live a new life. And thats kind of where Im at.
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Part of me; a bit of me is still on the island in the middle of the ocean; part of me is on a raft on the ocean; part of me; but its got no power but it does still control my mind kind of… part of me is in the water before they rescue me… The dissociated parts. However; the main me is on the boat; the “ ME”; main person; is on the boat now; Ive earned it; Im safely on the boat; but I would like to come in from the harbor please…
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Part of me has had enough of floating around the harber and wants to come into land; That is the TRANSITION Im in right now. To Dock into land and be taught how to function again in civilization. This means the war has been won in my favor; Im back; enough of me has tipped the scales that IM BACK; and I don’t need to look in the past for what I want; but that does not mean I can handle the reality or the present; and thats where the problem lies.
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I DONT NEED TO LOOK IN THE PAST FOR WHAT I WANT: BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I CAN HANDLE THE REALITY OR THE PRESENT: AND THATS WHERE THE PROBLEM LIESS!!
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So; I mean; With AVPD; I avoid… and run. And with dissociative disorder; I dissociate… And I have addictive problems and compulsions and agoraphobia… agoraphobia ; it bothers me but Im still able to get around much better…
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THINGS ARE MUCH MUCH BETTER….
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However; learning how to face what is in front of me; it must be done through the universe for I still have daily mental illness problems; lots of them… my mind is a very strange delusional place of many smoky colors and time periods… Its like a house of mystery; like a haunted house at the amusement park. Each room in unknown to the ticket holder who took a chance and took a ride into the unforeseen…
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THE PRESENT GOAL:
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FIRST LOVE:
She has been so thoroughly combed through; my memories of her with the help of the universe; enough for an understanding that; that was not a very good person and certainly not a safe person and certainly not a God person. And the more I thought about God and being back with God; the more she became separated from my existence…
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I did not ask her out nor any sign to be my girlfriend; Ive been told by God JESUS; Universe; That because I did not establish a relationship with her; SHE OWES ME NOTHING. Its now on my own shoulders working with God to get over this delusion and come back to reality; learning how to get my needs met in this reality where I don’t have to turn back to a false set of fake memories that take care of me like a Cyber girlfriend within my head that never existed in the real world.
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Am I over all this. Well; YES? I mean; YES ENOUGH? YES! ( No; Im not over it) ( Im in contact and discussions with God constantly) ( Im functioning much better regardless) Im over it enough; just over the edge; but its a strong solid edge because Ive grounded it out… Theirs no going back or really looking back because sanity has taken over my mind now on this subject and I simply don’t believe the lie anymore.
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NOTE: I got wiped out by false First Love and another; The False best friend… So; both did me in almost at the same time… So; I was very wiped out… weakened; depleted.
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However; outskirts of my child heart still want to believe; still miss her; But the child in me knows that is so criminal; it doesn’t wash anymore; I know it; the child in me; my inner child knows it. So; the inner child in me has to reach out and ask God to hold his hands and work with him as he is disabled from all of this… and so Im not all present yet.
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Its more like the war is over but Im disabled from the war wounds; they still affect me; Just enough to hve to write about their influence on me. But they wont be stopping me anymore from new relationships…
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SOMETHING HOWEVER WILL BE STOPPING ME FROM NEW RELATIONSHIPS:
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And those things stopping me are the things Im working on now; and its hard labor exhaustive work. Ive got steep hills to climb (to face) to over come the hard work to become the person I want to become so I can obtain the things I want in my life; Ive got maturity issues to contend with and face; things I never faced when young because I was to mentally ruptured… So; now I would like to have my life back; but to do that I must face numerous things Ive never faced before in manhood. Im facing things a boy faces for his first time to become a man; I missed all of that and had to depend on others. Now; God is teaching me independently.
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FOOD;
So; in all of this; a new addiction that is gaining weight upon my mind and body; Food. And I know at some point Ill be working with God to stop avoiding by eating; MY GOD! Im seriously starting to look like Santa Clause in the old 1950 movies… giant gut; no hair but grey white beard… If I keep this up Ill have a permanent job every winter around Christmas time. Me and the Reign-deer.
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I think at some point when I get over all of this and face what I have to face with Gods help; and come back to reality a bit more and Im more grounded again in civilization and life; Ill deal with the fat problem.
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MUSIC N ART CREATION;
They are waiting for me to participate with in. However; I am still mentally disabled and AVPD and dissociative so; ill still have problems but my interest in music and art creation; God has brought it into the present under my owner ship… its safety cozy with me now… here n now; its mine; I own it again! Or enough of it; and I got that way by earning it in Gods favor by taking it all to God first and being teachable to do what God set forth as a plan to help me get those things back in my present life.
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Ive earned my way back into a new way of thinking… I wasnt alone; I go to allot of recovery meetings…
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MEETINGS: Recovery meetings; they drive me crazy; Sometimes I hate them but I got to go because they work for me. Im never alone and I always feel better when I leave and connected and Im always sharing how God has and is helping me today and yesterday and I always write my goals for myself when Im at the meetings and Im always sharing some levels of the inner struggles of where Im actually at in my recovery process and what my attended goals are for the future.
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VIDEO GAMES
PLASTIC MODEL KITS
CREATING MUSIC
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All three of these things have been brought to me by God that I can learn to interact with things again in a safe way. I can always shut them down or stop participating if I get to triggered from them; ajnd I can learn a pre work ethic that slowly gets more mature and developed over time; and that what I love ab0out them. They help with the dissociative condition and the AVPD…
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I love video games; Ive got like a thousand of them; its great!
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THE END!@
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