June 2025
May 2025
Higher Powers Pathway. I surrender to the pathway that leads to GOd and to love.
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I found myself desperate for love; desperate for everything; The psychopath sociopath pathological liar narcissist of different forms is or can be a brutal offender sadistic criminal. If I unfortunately through neglect; fall into their hands; In this vulnerable state; Ill be lied to; they are master liars with no concious. I end up spending my time with people who dont love me.
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Spending time with the wrong people is a waist of time. I found myself desperate and empty; those who did not love me; those I found myself around were full of wealth; usually someone elses pocket book. THey were privileged; They respected nothing. But most importantly; they were strangers who did not love me. THat means; They never were going to and never will and were never planning on it. They might end up loving someone else. I was never in their plans; So showing up at their door step is a big big big mistake and can be deadly.. I was destroyed brutally several times because of this. I just wanted to be loved. I had no love. No one loved me! Nothing!
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GOD: GODS PATHWAY OF FINDING LOVE AND BEING LOVED;
So; Now; Im at this point; where Ive accepted that no one from the past loved me. As I reach out and surrender to my higher power.. Im surrendering for love. Im now going down my higher powers pathway for love. My higher power is the source of love the source of energy... I will learn how to work down that pathway and expect nothing else from anywhere else. Ill work hard enough with my higher power God Universe Jesus... To learn how to manifest down Gods pathway. We will see who shows up; who God sends. I will stay in Gods pathway and manifest regardless of how hard it is; ill learn to stay out of everyone elses life and bowling lane.
I was never meant to be single on this planet; This is completely ridiculous! Ill have to turn strait to God and Gods pathway.. working down that pathway with God; Gods instructing me... Nothing else is safe. Ive been literally ripped apart in the outside world numerous times; I mean; its insane..
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FIrst; Im not seeing my First Love so much in my imagination anymore... She's disappearing from my conscious and my heart completely basically; my nervous system my mind and my imagination. With Gods help; ive tunneled underneath her and come out on the other side in Gods Pathway. IT is in Gods pathway I find the Love Im looking for. So; Ill have allot of work to do down this pathway... Im scared of who I will meet down this pathway; Im paranoid. Ill work with God on this. Ill have to work with God to dedicate myself down this pathway... Im not sure who God will send me... I will have to learn all over again how to manifest stuff... I mean; down Gods pathway because Im not used to being so direct.
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From this morning;
It seems as I go backward in time; all I see are narcissists... I see people that did not love me.
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The work Im doing on First Love; Simply; She did not love me. I was out of line. Out of alignment.
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The pain I feel with all narcissists from the past; being stripped of my worth; it was like being set up; played and discarded by thieves. Stripped alive. It was like being skinned alive.
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I had no idea I was being set up in so many different ways by so many different people.
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I was not loved by anyone. That's the part that gets me; I simply was around the wrong people. I was around monsters taking advantage of people. And I blamed them for it.
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In the case of my First Love; I was not loved. I was going up to someone's house that did not love me. I was trying to build and create a relationship with someone that felt nothing for me. Im now waking up as I write this thing thinking; my God; I was asleep; What was doing up there for?
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I was around people that didnt love me. And Ill have to pray about this one and grieve some more at a deeper level and ask God to wake me up.
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Ultimately the outside people I wanted love from are not held accountable. I cant; I have to wake up; they were strangers with their own lives who never wanted anything to do with me in the first place and the last place and they weren't to thrilled having me around at all through any of it. I was never invited.
Im trying to wake up. Ill ask God to help me.
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I am confused; God is happy with me right now as I write this because Im getting a kind of right message I could not handle before; That Ive been dissociatively asleep. And in my sleep I wondered to other peoples residence thinking I was in my own. And then I was kicked out. THey did not want me. But I needed. So I pretended they did. Ultimately I got really hurt and discarded and was alone again.
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Now; Im taking that aloneness to God to work on so I can have a life.
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I just wanted to be around people that admire'd me and cared for me and loved me and worried about me and wanted to know I was all right... I did not have any friends. I had nothing.
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I found strangers down the street. They remained strangers down the street... I ran away from them after realizing what they were.
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So; if and when I take this to God; its about attracting the right people. Its really sickening to attract the wrong people or find myself around narcissists who played me... What about God bringing me real people that love me or can love me or what ever; is their no one. I mean; I know there is someone out there somewhere. God can bring them to me; someone?
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So; I have to work with God on this... I can see that Im kind of on the right direction. Im on Gods direction; I can feel it. Im telling God I need help.
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I ended up in the wrong places when young. I need help... that means getting on my knees and worshiping GOd and working with God... and heading in Gods direction... and asking God to bring me what I cant see right now... The right people or right kind of people. Im almost scared. I feel like its not safe and Im going to get beheaded...
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None of this is easy. I just wanted to be loved; I have to go to God and start their...Start over And stay there...
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