July 2025
June 2025
As a child I thought I was manifesting independence... In reality; I was manifesting other people for co dependent relationships; relationships for receiving love as if they were my mother and father.
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The dysfunction of manifestation;
I thought I was manifesting independence; I was manifesting other people... And they would take care of me like a family and then they would be my helpers and help me develop.
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At first this was OKE. I mean; In the First and Second grade I guess this worked. I had someplace to go. However, it did not develop brain things. I did develop security; social security in the form of stability; I had other peoples homes I could go to; for the first couple of years; I thought I was very powerful; I had it made. So; I hung out around their homes; they kind of complained or continued to allow me to eat over at their homes. I had no idea I was half living with them; it never occured to me. Unfortunately; later; I would not get any help from them to develop; they didnt care; they really didnt care who I was. The fact I was showing up at their homes all time suggested I was in trouble so they saw me as a latchkey kid. They did not assume I was a decent smart person; they did not see any internal areas of me; of any interest. I imagine they felt obligated or something allowing me to come over; they never really wanted me; wanted me at their home. Later it will get really weird as the mother wanted me at her home; allowed me to be there while her son had less n less respect or interest in me as a friend. Very strange situation. In the end Ill walk away from those people for good.
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The point of this blog;
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I never manifested independently. Ill describe.
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I needed a family; I needed a friend. I needed to learn and do well in math. I needed to learn how to manifest my interests in things.
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If I wanted to be good at math; I needed to focus on manifesting that. I never did that; instead; I manifested someone else; I manifested a best friend; someone I could depend on; and with that dependency; then maybe I could look into having those new friends help me develop assuming they liked me. ITs a kind of codependency thing...
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I needed people. I needed a home. I had nothing really! an empty house; that's all I had or what I had. I didnt even know anything was wrong until later in the grade school system I was flunking out; not because I wasn't intelligent; I was completely neglected and developing backwards; I was alone.
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So; TOday; Im learning how to manifest what I want without expecting others to get involved. I have to learn how to follow through for the things I want. Im kind of taking over as the provider for my interests. It can be a lonely road but its necessary if Im going to grow up into the kind of person I want to be.
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NOTE: If when young I wanted to learn about math and be good at it; Well; that would have been to much for me; I would have needed security and love and had neither. I really felt I needed a house and to have it full of people on my side first. It never happened. It kind of happened at others home where I was visiting but they never really became my family.. In fact; in the end they never really wanted me.
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So; if I want to manifest becoming a mathematician; its a very lonely road. It requires allot of changes within my sensitive self. Today; those things are possible. I would have to learn to follow through. It feels so (pause); lonely! However, I understand success based thinking process enough; its possible. I believe its possible now.. I can work on the people and places and things that need to be in order for a form of independence to occur... I believe. Still; its scary; I mean; its like being out on an uncomfortable edge.
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I can ask God for people to show up. But I will have to learn how to step out and learn how to believe Im getting what I want to get.
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When I was a child; it was about my parents helping me. Today; its about me helping me with Gods help. ANd that means shoring up any problems or immiturities or character flaws in the way...
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I no longer get to blame my parents as an excuse. Ive worked through it so I cant..
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NOTE: Regardless of my age; Ive spent 10's of years in the recovery process and recovery rooms working on this subject; MY PARENTS; So; because of all the massive work thats gone into the resentments concerning my parents; I have the privilege of moving on from my parents; However; this is a big undertaking; a whole NEW world must be implanted and manifested for this to transition. Im just saying; I didnt just snap my fingers and all my problems surrounding my parents vanished; No No! Ive work one step at a time for years with a higher power; with sponsors at 12 step groups therapists; God; Ive worked with allot of people on this subject watching one wall after the other come down. Ive done the hard work; and at some point Ive gotten the reward of believing in life again.
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TOday; Im learning that I focus on my manifestation; my desire and strengthen the process within my imagination to develop a working model of what I want; practicing this model in my imagination over n over n over that will get me to where Im going. Youtube; laws of attraction; Success based thinking. The book; Think and grow rich; Napoleon Hill; read 20 times; all of these things worked can help me learn how to manifest something. And all of this is accomplished with a relationship with a higher power working hand n hand.
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WEIGHT LOSS:
This is upon me. Ill start writing stories about weight loss and being thin; Ill start praying about it... Meditation is always involved. The goal is to set myself up as a thin thinking person; thinking thin; seeing myself as thin; to the point that I could not live any other way. Ill mental myself out to this level for results.
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Art work; This is kind of upon me. Ill take it slow; pray about what to draw; what to do with it; where it goes in the world.
I can draw again; great! The problem is; to whom is it given. I absolutely need to Art community to show my stuff; to be part of. And ill pray about that... its important I have and Art family where we show our work and progress to each other. Family is so important to me development.
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WOMEN;\
Manifesting women back into my life; That is the next ongoing interest. Ill keep praying about it.
The problem with bringing women into my life is Dissociative disorder. With dissociative disorder I do not want anyone near me because I could get damaged psychologically; at the same time Im trying to recover and that requires lots n lots of women coming and going from my life all the time; Like a family.
So; the work is to allow my higher power to regulate who comes n goes and that I can heal at the same time... Ill write what Im looking for and pray about it. Write new stories about it...
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Today; Ive moved from manifesting the ability to deal with my past for relief; Ive moved from that focus to a focus down the pathway for a new life. Today; Im working in the present; and Im starting with nothing but an idea.
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Im now learning how to accept being here now in some ways; learning how to work through the numbness and learn how to practice in the here an now a bit to manifest a new life...
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