June 2025
May 2025
FIRST LOVE:
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First let me say; First Love is one issue from my past of hundreds… This is a major issue tho of many…
Getting to another level previously not able….
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As I mentioned in my last blog; this will go on for ever or until Im dead will I write on this subject; The reason is protection; ever learning about this subject; but today Im under Gods care and I will continue to explore to learn under Gods care so It never happens again. This time it will be completely understood dealing with these criminals so this will never happen again…
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Continuous resources and research on my part will go into this subject on a daily basis learning and growing a working defense internally and externally so this never happens again.
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The newest finding are; A bit real and a bit different. However; the most powerful answer so far….
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God has revealed a deeper level within me; a place of innocence… A place scumbags like this First love cannot go…
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Because I was innocent I was literally spit out by this individual who was under Satan's control by choice. I was literally told or got the feelings of; I was not wanted; I was spit out and told to go home because I was of God. Satan spit me out and did not want me. I was repulsive to Satan; Certainly anything evil of Satan did not love me and would not. No one here was looking for me; ( Satanic first love) for someone like me or looking to be saved. They considered people like me weak and of no use to them; a nuisance and bother. And at some point removed in a sense.. just kind of laughed at me; and moved on from me in a kind so disgust…
These are evil people who do not understand innocence people nor do they care; They want nothing to do with it nor people like me. Im like from another planet to people like this; they do not understand such things; they are bad people… I am the enemy of these people; I was spit out.
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I remember this kind of thing when I was very young; Dealing with Popular people or watching others deal with them; My decency and innocent did not allow me to be around the popular people. These type of people shunned or hated with disgust. I had a kind of sensitive innocence; It is abhorred by evil people; its like Kryptonite to Superman; Innocence is to evil!
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I think Im making myself clear. I was to innocent for a popular girl with experience. I was thrown away or never allowed to get started with her. I was shunned and ran off. The problem was; I had this kind of innocence; I wanted to say child like; yes; but it was more a kind of introverted innocence; However; evil people; (scum) reacted to my innocent with hatred concept and as if I am Kryptonite and they are Superman. They were The Vampire; I was the sunshine during the daytime that if they stepped out into it they would be burned to death. Atleast thats how the movies betrayed those vampires.
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Am I making myself clear. Its like their telling me; I never had a chance with them; laughing in my face; Who did I think I am. I will never be in their league; and they are correct; I never would be; Im 2 down to earth and normal; a hundred million miles away from criminal minded people like that; Is my soul. And I found close up; They had no soul.
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Am I making myself clear. Im the enemy of scumbags like this. My innocence and natural decency is the enemy of scumbags like this… They are truly Godless and Lawless.
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So I continuously work under Gods care seeking protection and understanding of what happened to me to have it unfold so it will never happen to decent people like me again!
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NOTE: At the core; I still have to heal. Its not completely healed or anything; Im better; but it will take years...
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The real goal is to become so separated from this evil popular girl individual from my past; that I become the decent person Im suppose to become and never be part of the character flawed level of person this evil person represents; That I do not become like them but go in the opposite direction into help from God… SO I may learn through Gods protection never to have to go through something like this ever again.
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A may always be tarnished and bleeding a bit from my association with these type of blood thirsty criminals. It wasn't fair; Bad things happen to good people; That's what happened to me. ( I took a chance; I didn’t work; I failed). Now; the goal is to continue the restoration of my life; And continue to separate myself from what happened here when I was young; Its an on going process to stand up for what is right and work with God to protect myself and to maintain that protection so this never happens again… However; at some point; if Im one of the fortunate ones; I get to relive my life. I get to go out and kick-start my life again.
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So; Next level on this; So; concerning First Love; Or what ever this terrible trauma was; The next level is to understand that because I've dealt with this issue 10,000 times over n over over; I have a deeper better understanding of what kind of violations occurred here… I have a better understanding of the criminal intent by the other person and the type of family they came from that created this evil.
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The next phase; the Pivot phase;
However; Im now legally in the next phase of this; This is the marginal phase or the pivot phase; This means Ive done just enough work to maintain the continuance on this subject for the remainder of my life; slowly working through more and more of it and having the universe reveal what happened here. However; Ive worked my way out of this just enough to work with the universe to start over again with my focus on my present life instead of resentments and pain caused by this situation. The Pivot means Im able or choose to do both; part of me understanding to put forth energy on solving this problem with this criminal from the past and energy put forth moving forward in a new life; doing both because both are possible for me granted By God… I have been given gifts under God because God is pleased with me!
Its like slowly burring someone in a cemetery while at the same time walking out of the cemetery and curiously creating a new life at the same time; That is what Im allowed to do now under God…
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So; its a kind of privilege given me by the universe.
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Comments; This wont be easy… it still hurts or is a place of being emotionally raped and having my nervous system ruptured. So; this is not easy. However; Ive had enough knowledge to set me free literally free to move on; However; the damage comes with me so; I am truly scared of being damaged again like this… Trusting others feels like a life or death thing. The goal is to work with God becoming much more responsible for my own behavior and actions; I have to.
I cant go and kill myself every-time I have a problem I got myself into… I have to stop having expectations from other humans. I can work with God and expect things from God but not people; No way of knowing whom Im dealing with… Ive learned this the hard way… In fact; thats kind of what this is all about… I had expectations of the girl up the street when young; I had no business doing so; That also means I had no business meeting this person either; no logical business doing so; I just didn’t know… I don’t want to do that again.
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I do have the ability given me by the universe to feel this resentment and pain and still turn it around in real time and move forward; Something impossible before; but it seems to be here now… Not easy; but a great gift given me by the universe; Thus to be aware of the pain and even feel the misery or pain of it; but still shelve it and move forward into a new life; its shelved; displaced but not buryed; the door is open to this past; but this past will not be giving me orders on whether I will live my life in the present. Instead; God has given me the privilege of moving forward with my life anyway; and to deal with what ever comes up; Ill deal with. Being a victim; its easy to have huge expectations; ill be working with God on getting rid of that character flaw… And accepting the truth as it is and move forward.
Moving forward hurts; its not easy in a situation like this.
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Going forth in the real world!
The next goal is to strengthen under God and go forth outside in the real world again. This means the goals presented to God of my interests. And Ill write them up. One of those is relationships with the opposite sex; romantic relationships… Not easy; but I must understand; nothing is easy. My goal first is to get over being a victim and get over expectations of others. Learning to take chances; have support; expect nothing; Work with God on what I really want… Understand the possible outcomes… Have support.
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Relationships are not easy for me. Im a sensitive person who wanted to love in relationships all my life; I was robbed of that. I had no parents… No real girlfriends… Ive had big expectations on anyone I meet and I cant do that. And I don’t believe Ill be caught in that this time because; Ive had do much recovery work and have matured in that work not to expect anything from human beings. I will work with God on all of this; my goals and plans aligning them with the universe… and work with the universe to set forth… See what happens… I certainly will have support…
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First goal is to meditate and talk to God; start writing stories about what I might like to do outside; just kind of let my hand and pen roam on paper for a timed period; say 5 minutes or something; just see what comes out… And then take more of this to God and slowly see what ends up aligning with my inner being and the universe through meditation… Ill start there…
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I do have inner talent ideas with Art and Music; I don’t know if God wants those outside as part of the out-world curriculum. Im not sure what God wants outside; what does God want of me outside; what am I suppose to be doing that would be fun and feel good… I don’t know yet…
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Ive been in 12 step groups for half my life. So; I have taken breaks before. Id like to build a life I guess. I mean. Im damaged dissociated goods so; not the easiest thing in the world… However; Im at this place; Its Gods will not mine; So; I really don’t have to worry about anything; Just get started…
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