Massive changes within are occuring.
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Its my fault; I chose to allow myself to work with the universe; I had no idea my life would read like a SCi Fi video game succeeding...
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Massive changes occuring..
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Where can I began.
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4 months ago on a trip to a friends. I wanted to do more fun stuff this summer; started hitting people up to go visit places... I dont have a car; they do...
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I ended up going to a friends family campout place up by the big city on the other side of the state; by the coast...
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I was riding around on my bike. Riding in a very big rich area... big homes... lots of land and grass...
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The universe put a thought into my mind. Start writing about my first love as if I was talking to her on paper; dialog form... I would have her answer once in a while with a simple; " OK Omnicell"; Thats all she would say. I would go on rants about everything; learning to express all the things I held back from saying to her. Well; Ive been doing this everyday for 4 1/2 months. I rant the whole page; once in a while Ill write her part as; " OKe OMINCELL". Ill continue to do it until Im so freely able to express what ever I want to express to her; Ill break through the ability to ask someone out anytime I want to. Basically Im practicing meeting someone and asking them out; THats what this paper work is for.
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NOTE; A lot of these problems came from psychopath bullies I encountered at the coast. THey shut me down when I had to confront them...
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In the past when I first met this person; I was presented with the ability to date her; I never took it; I was in survival mode and had many many problems with no one to talk to; all held in; different forms of abuse related. Unfortunately; I would never be able to talk to her no matter how hard I wanted to... I finally lost her; and myself. I truly wanted to care for her and get to know her and have a relationship with her; After this; I gave up... I just didnt want to live anymore; Id had enough.. I was broken even worse. I actually liked her; and liked being around her. And even this was taken from me.
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In the recovery process; Ive worked with God on many things... and this is one of those things; to work through my time period with this girl; something that happened to me very young. This incident stopped me from communicating anymore; This in turn with sexual abuse before I met her and a family system full of psychopaths and neighborhood psychopathic bullies; I had my identity and voice stripped from me and my life and purpose on earth. I was truly destroyed and gone; dissociated so far from reality; nothing matter anymore...
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Lately; In the present; 2022...
Lately Ive been making changes... THe work concerning this girl of my past; the therapeutic work seems to be helping and has helped; techniques from the universe; from God; seem to be working to pull me together. My insides are coming together. the 2 sides of me are healing a bit and showing up closer to each other wanting to connect and merge as one...
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With severe trauma; I split into several pieces; and one major split down the middle... The psychopaths were responsable for this.
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Anyway;
On to the main story;
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A newer shift has been taking place. My ability to be present and speak; my ability to face this girl from the past head on; now; seems possible.
Im not planning on seeing the real girl again; I dont think God has this planned; it was so long ago.....; I am planning on seeing her face in my head tho; and speaking to her directly about how I feel... Practicing speaking my feelings to her. This means the frequency is rising of my abilities so show my feelings to her. I learning how to speak to her on paper And suddenly Ive risen in strength and frequency; I can see her face in my head fully; am I at her level? well; not with much strength; but maybe.. I mean; Im almost able to kind of rise up to her level.. before this I was 10,000 miles away...
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I could not show my feelings to her;
Im realizing just how hard it would have been at the time to show my feelings to her; impossible. Its almost impossible right now with dissociative disorder. However, things are changing as Im growing.
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I saw myself as I was getting up from sleep; I was groggy but I saw her picture or face in my head directly looking at me and I wanting to look her strait in the face and say how I felt; and I realized; my God; this is so incredibly hard to move in this direction; to actually tell someone I liked them and more and then move into a relationship with them; I was able to face it at its frequency.
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I was talking at a meeting the other day; I was talking about how hard it would be for me to get into a relationship; how hard it is to walk over that line into a relationship regardless of what's offered to me; ITs a whole other ball game to actually be in a relationship. I realized just how incredibly hard it would be... Realistically.
This is an amazing find; it means; no matter how much I liked someone or they liked me; I would dissociate at any moment or mention of actually going into a relationship in the real world. I might get to a point of flirting and talking and such; but at that moment; with someone I liked; I would go into survival mode and I mean; reality would stop; Id fall back to a 2 dymental computer screen and see life from the safety of my room... So; knowing this; being at this level of saying this to someone; Im getting stronger and hopefully Im getting closer to living again.
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Why this is important...
ITs the start of a new strength; its a new find; a new frequency for me to work on... Im at a higher level with the human race; Im coming back; I can feel it...
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