June 2025
May 2025
I love the fB groups; I dump allot of my stuff on those groups; Get 30 of those groups running through the feed and I get a 24 hour place to deal with recovery process.
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However, as I get better; I start to realize as I wake up; I have no normal life. Not a problem; but Im starting to see things or become aware of things.
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Its like Ive been living in a garage or an airplane hanger at an airport for 20 years; Ive been in an isolated state.. All things dealing with an adult life in the outside world are gone; they dont exist. Anything dealing with talents or participation in anything in the outside world is gone.
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The ability to earn or work for money is gone; or to understand how to make money either never developed or is gone. Technically Ive been an 8 year old literally within self.
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I was abandon when young young; about 8 years old; actually a few years before that and I was in a state of shock.
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Its like I lived under the stairs the remainder of my life. I was in a dissociated state of silence.
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Now; Im slowly coming back outside again since that time; and Ive noticed several things.
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When young; after being thrown away; Other family members or relatives took over a kind of helping position; but they were sociopaths and monsters and criminals... They were sadistic and destroyed me... They crossed my boundaries to control me. All of this made me seriously mentally ill.
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I noticed something; I was unable to participate in anything or in my life; while others got a life I could not move or function.
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Now; Im slowly working toward opening up so I can develop my own independent life without any one from my past helping me... And I realize now they didnt care about me in the first place and they had no conscious; non of them....
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Now; as things slowly and cautiously open up; my life; altho very week to reality; is slowly moving forward into the outside world... Well; Im showing interest in it first; Money; women; car; vacations; talents... moving in those directions of my own life... And that is a hard thing because its facing reality.. And connecting with that reality did not work when younger; I was over ran and destroyed. So.
I seem to be accepting no one exists from when young. and I seem to be able to access it and handle it. It doesnt mean Im strong at this; but I have accepted it and moving on without all these past people because non of these past people show that they were who I thought they were; they were never people who had it together in the first place; they were losers. Horrible level losers; monsters.
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So; being able to handle and deal with this tsunami of mental destruction; just making it through; thats whats important. and I am and Im starting again into the real world.
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I get to walk over to my old friends houses or other familiar places; those dont exist anymore.
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I used to have goals or ideas of a family with other past family members around me; but now none of them are around me and Im starting to build my own just because; Im slowly learning how to make things happen for myself independently of those other people and thats what amazing... The direction does not involved anything from the past... and that is a strange marvelous thing but also a horrid thing; but also; so much fear associated from the past and those people... all of what really happened not what I wanted to believe because I was young.
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Bad people.
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So; Im now asking God and universe to help me develop money car relationship art, vacation. And Im slowly headed toward that. The goal is to see myself in this future situations and how to move toward them... The goal is to have my goals or visions take over my focus more then reality. Where I want to go is more important then where Im at right now. I want a better vision for myself and allow the universe to help me word toward it.
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Is this all good or bad. Well; Im doing what I was doing at 7 years old; but Im alone and that used to put me into a state of un usable mental illness conditions to a point of being catatonic.... Whats different; I seem to be waking up and holding or handling it and still remembering where I used to come from that will never be again from that older time period but I have those memories and God is making me wake up and move from that time period; move down a path from that time period because I am awake again and remember. And thats whats happening to me now.
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a life is slowly showing up underneath again. Its strange; Im still mentally ill but Im also getting a life showing up.... kind of. I mean; its trying to show up first.
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As for women; Im not like I used to be; Im talking to women and getting next to them.
Im pulling women over and talking with them; asking them advice and telling them whats going on within my emotional state dealing with women... If I could have done this when younger; I would have become independent at those times...
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Interested in vacations and a car... And I think if I keep it up; God will move me slowly into that realm.
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Money; everyday this is coming up; and Im taking it to God; how do get more money; Ill keep working with God until that world comes to me. I dont know how or what it means; but hopefully God will slowly bring it to me... God Is bringing me to it; I demand it... he is; it will; it is... slowly showing me.
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Talents; Im demanding the universe get me back to being an artist; Ive had enough of this.
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Im realizing; When young; I was still watching cartoons when I was destroyed; thats how young I was... and thats how young I was when I was forced into a new life and sexually abused... sicking; all of this.
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I realize when young; I was completely alone. I went out into the community to make friends; it never happened; but I thought it did; I was so young I never knew or understood.
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Im beginning to slowly see myself doing things again even tho mental illness is present. Im moving forward.
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I can only say Im heading toward what I want... and Im working with God on it. The part of me with arrested development sees my past for what it was; the people. I had no people; nothing existed; I never knew. and as for the family system or house; nothing. I loved the house but other then my childhood; the house; the TV; the Christmas; the friends across the neighborhood; the promise of a fun decent life.. That part I will never forget; but I created that; that was because I had a house to go home to. But looking back; I had a TV to go home to and ideas and fantasies about the future; but their were no parents there. Looking back; I see the PBS channels on TV; channel 9'. the education channel teaching me everything I wanted to know.
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Looking back in school; in the early years; all fantasy; I was not home. I was dissociated from reality when I was very young.
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Im starting to see it. I mean; I was fed and I created my own life... but their were no mother or father around anywhere. Nothing. Now that I see it. And ive got to see more of it because its helping me make decisions now.
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Im slowly moving forward with Gods help.
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\Most important; No brother. My brother was never on my side and I never knew. But I know now. So; I no longer expect him or turn to him for anything... he is a sociopath sadistic and a murder'r like my mother; exactly the same... pure evil
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SO; what actually happens to let go of these people; Well; after coming to the realization of what they are not; they kind of disappear from my memory worth. They are no longer allowed in to me; into my conscious. They have no more purpose or worth; they are creeps and written off for good; in fact; I give them no more attention within my mind. They do not exist anymore... and now I learn with Gods help to find others that take their places to help. And God has supplied such people to help.
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And God has; I mean; a new life is not just heading my way; a new life is HERE! I'm very close.
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After 5o years; I was able to face the vacation spot I used to visit as a child; with all that enchantment; it was truly perfection in the making every time I visited; wonderful enchantment. Now; Ive been able with Gods help; to revisit it in my mind and suddenly; Want a car and to go visit; or rent a car; damn expensive where Im at; 180 bucks a day including daily car insurance from the car rental company; but I could go for one day and just visit; about 50 bucks for gas with a good economy car.
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I got online and found the place; the resort; the lake and wham! Im hit with all these pics from this site and its just as I remember; every detail.
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And then it hit me. My God; I was between 4-11 years old... something like that. I began to realize; this place that held such power over me from even remembering it; Now; I realize; this place was created for parents with children between 5-10 years old. I mean; its just a place for young parents with small kids. Its a fantastic place for young kids because its safe for them to all meet like a giant neighborhood and develop with each other; like a giant camp; the parents are usually outside the cabins just sitting around enjoying the sunshine while the kids are the ones really experimenting with life.
And it hit me; its not that powerful anymore. Ill go up their and visit; What will I see; the same store and sandy beaches I played on and the same cabins I stayed in; and the boat ramps and and docks... and the grassy knolls and the campers section and the swings I used to swing on; and the trees I used to hide around when young. I mean; Ill go... and the train in the morning; that would be worth the whole trip.
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IT all leads me to understand I was so alone and not safe when young; I was completely alone having to learn how to emotionally survive and it never happened; I was not able to... By the time I was in 4th grade; watching TV shows to sustain my view of reality was not working anymore.
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Now; God has created a real possibility for reality for me. a working solution; I just need to keep working with my visions for the future.
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