July 2025
June 2025
changes that are taking place of July 17th 2022
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Kind of a strange long blog; Just part of the process...
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Lets shorten this thing. The way I write; I can have 20 pages in a short time… So…
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Ive made rapid changes..
Ive worked on paper many things concerning past relationships; dialoging;
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So; IVe shared allot of stuff about myself with her in dialog form.
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Now; Im finally letting my feelings out.
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Some of the things Im learning about; I dont need her all that much; if I had created a relationship where I talked to her first; I would have found out no relationship was possible. I was dealing with a sick person.
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That means; I would have told her that I need her; I really do; for expressing my feelings and for her help in listening and allowing me to gain some trust with someone;
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If I were to do it again;
I mean; Id talk to her first; talk to her about all of this... I never really told her the truth when I met her; I just showed up at her door.
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NOTE: The problem is; this was a merciless cut throat; and I have a tendency to play that down... Its like Im trauma bonded to her and cant leave her even if I never had her... Its more like an addiction. And when I talk this way; suddenly I switch personalities; that means I cant deal with the truth concerning this. I know the little child in me was hooked on her and maybe thats the problem; THe problem is; narcissistic sociopaths are trying to hook me on purpose from the first day.
I put so much worth into knowing this person; IF this person liked me it meant I was somebody; Complete co dependency. Wht or who would I be if I never met her or I pulled away on my own before ever liking her; Then what. I mean; I lost myself here. Im slowly starting to regain myself now. ITs so very hard; its almost like becoming so dependent on this person and her memories; I cant function or even stay alive without her; its that dependent. I really need to look at this. It goes to the core of myself. I dont know. Horrible.
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NOTE: Im noticing massive switching going on while writing this blog about this person. Personalty switching.
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Now; Im learning how to show up around someone and verbally get my feelings out. And Ill keep writing like this; keep it up... keep going. Keep talking to her and keep praying for her while with her; I ask her to take my hands and then I pray for her.
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Micro information and changes are coming to me daily; thus; smaller blogs more intricate and directed.
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So; For today;
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What are the changes occurring.
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Significant changes are occurring in relationships and work issues; in general.
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As I practice new detachment processes; Im taking the overly obsessive teenager in me; Im pulling him out of me and dangling him from my left hand; Im holding him as a shadow silhouette; strait out to the side of me while the rest of the adult me settles into to deal with this problem. Im taking the teenager in me and putting him in the chair next to me; and Im allowing the adult to come out to function at adulting.
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As for relationships; Im starting to see the problem and define it; I can get to your door; the door of your house; I can call you; I can set up an appointment with you; for you! and I can show up; I can knock on your door; you will answer the door; open the door; say hi to me; let me in; Ill walk in; Ill stand on the for front area of your living room while you go and sit at the chair or couch. I might even find myself ruminating over to that couch and sit down myself right beside you. You may say hello and start talking to me; I may say hello and listen and give you a few opinions myself; but suddenly; thats where it ends. I can go no further with the relationship.
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if this is a women Im talking to; I freeze up at this point or clam up; I can go no further. Why; No experience with women?; ( no experience with anyone I can trust). I was forced into a space of a pre developing teen; this happened from trauma. Suddenly you want to talk romantic; I want to play with plastic model kits and dont want to talk about girls( women)... I dont want to deal with them because im to emotionally young inside; even tho Im much older; I haven't switched from match box cars and race sets; video games; plastic model kits; playing speed metal guitar to my guitar hero's; I haven't made the change from 12 to 13 yet; even tho Im ancient in age. Im still a boy; And being in a boys world; I know about cub scouts and boy scouts; But not women; because women represent houses and families...
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If you read what I wrote carefully; you will understand a real gap resides between those 2 worlds of boy and man. And its a brutal gap of no mans land! Its a brutal place... And its no place to attempt to make changes; meaning; Im in a state of freeze mode in that middle ground.
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So; Ive been working on this problem.
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When Im in a pre developmental stage and your a women and Im a guy (Dude); And we are next to each other; it feels o so squirrely to have you close to me or sitting on my lap or some other manly kind of thing. It doesn't feel right; I dont have the character development for it. I have no character development for it; no courage for it; or any other development that goes with that level of human-manhood. Im like a 7 year old with an adult women on my lap; it freaks me out! Im not sure what to do about it! I do like the girl. However, Im trapped dissociatively speaking. Its like being trapped in childhood and never knowing Im beyond it on some issues...
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NOTE: Severe PTSD is the problem and dissociative disorder around this issue; concerning this issue..
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If you crawled on my lap; I would freak out and feel so self rejecting; Id throw you off even if I liked you. ANd thats the problem; If I throw you off and reject you like this; How long are you going to come back to me. How long will you take these rejections; at some point; if I cant perform in a normal manner of someone that wants you romantically; sooner or later; you will just laugh at me and dismiss me... I guess; what else can you do; your looking for a boyfriend; and Im not performing. even if you pray about it to God; what will God do for you; Im guessing; but if GOd does not change me or wake me up at that point; Im assuming he will do one main thing; God will apricate you reaching out to GOd and thus; tell you I have free will; and God cant make me do anything; even tho you and God both know I like you and want you and want you as a girlfriend; But if I cant perform; sooner or later; God will tell you to move on; God will help you prepare to find new people for relationship; And thus; Im out.
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NOTE: I was really sliced up by this girl when young. I mean; thats what it was; nothing more. I was set up and had the rug pulled out on me. And the damage was a several neural break down; Very deep severe PTSD... I still have it.. I was caught un prepared; un protected... I did not protect myself; I didnt know I had to and I was about to be murdered.. Never saw anything... Never knew... And it was 2 late. And I had already been destroyed numerous years of it before this.
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When 2 people are involved; God will not allow one of those people to become a victim of the other. It wont happen; God will not allow it!
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So; if I dont come up with some answers to these problems; sooner or alter; the girl will leave me... And that will be that. Im speaking past tense.
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TELLING HER HOW I FEEL:
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THe next best thing if possible; is to sit her down and tell her what is happening and why; tell her Im messed up and cant function but I do like her and Im willing to work on it; she is worth it. However, what is the possibility of being able to do this; I mean; if Im freezing up in this immature nature; why would I be able to sit her down and talk to her from a mature point of view; I will not be able to. ANd I never have. So; I cant talk to her; impossible.
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NOTE: As I wake up; Im seeing all of this as PTSD>..
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CANT FUNCTION CANT TALK>
FOr me its 2 fold; cant function physically and cant talk; Im completely shut down. Thus; I will be like a dead log; passive aggressive; silent small withdrawn and with out the ability to explain why? Cant get involved.
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NOTE: What a mistake it was to know this girl.
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Im now starting to break through all of this; all of the problems Ive mentioned above. Working with the universe; Im being recreated as a new person that does function in those situations; those interpersonal situations; romantic situations; situations of affection; or that can.
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NOTE: the more I write about this girl; the more truly evil she becomes...
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A whole new me is starting to gain back the abilities within those closed off realms.
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FIrst; I create steps going into those closed off realms; I create the steps in my mind and I practice walking those steps back n forth 10 thousand times... I keep practicing until I get stronger and that process gets stronger and more solid..
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I keep working with the universe for the universe to send me in-sites on what to do next.
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Its like losing an arm and growing one back.
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LIFE IS COMING BACK
Part of my life that is dissociated from self; is now showing opportunity of coming back... its slow and hard to maneuver; it is happening; I can feel this opening opening up.
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character building is important at some point .
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'As for relationships... Ill have to understand I'm creating my new life; Ill have to be flexible.
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I mean that; having a negative attitude wont help me here. It wont do anything for me!
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it wont help me...
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Its all scary stuff....
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Ill have to work with a higher power...
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TRUST
Im finding as I work on past relationships; Im opening up on paper in a dialog form; Im noticing that Im a good guy; and more n more Im not so sure about the women Im writing about from the past; that I was interested in... Maybe Im 2 nice a guy. Im giving this person 2 much credit; This person should be grateful someone like me is interested in her. And at first it seems that way; later it does not; and she has changed. I havent; Im still me.
ANd later when she writes me off; Im still the same; Maybe Im not seeing this clearly... I mean; Its like 2 different people. And Im caught in the middle of it. So; what am I doing their in the middle of that for...
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NOTE: A strange thing; A form of PTSD; WHen I was writing; Its always in present tense; I mean; its PRESENT TENSE: Like she is alive and well in right in front of me right now; Im writing wanting a relationship with her or working one out as if she is sitting next to me. Im not dumb and Im not that overloaded with grief that I think I must have her now; Something else is bounding me to her; her memory; it could be; she was all I had for a very long time; Her memory; I mean; its possible she became real to me as something to hold on to and I cant let her go.. I mean; I really cant. I REALLY CANT; I mean; like Im going to die if that happens; if that happens the memories of sexual abuse pop up and Im back in the town I was sexually abused in; at least within my fantasies Im back their; or my nightmares... Horror... She is covering something and she is keeping me from looking at something and she is keeping me safe and retarded and cooked and dumb and everything else; her memories...
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ITs very strange; she is absolutely present tense; right now. THe problem is; I know I can let go of her now. I mean; it hurts to say it; but its true. Im slowly learning how.. ITs just that something strange has happened to my brain. I guess in the middle of break downs thats where my brain escaped to... Maybe she was an escape I never forgot... I loved going up to her house. But to have it in my memories as real right now; I mean; I know its not real; its just that she is as real as it gets...
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So; I have to keep working at it... at this; to break this apart and let it go. Its not needed anymore; She is alive and well in my head much like PTSD.... I dont know how to describe it... I dont know If I like it or not... Im not sure...
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I guess I liked it a whole lot or it woudnt be there. Dopamine fix? I mean; its like an addiction; her memories; and until Im weened of them; I cant have a real relationship; Is it that bad; Im not sure; I know its causing a stability by remembering her as if she is here.
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Its possible that at one time she was all I had and all I ever wanted; and thus; when she left; it was all I ever had left. I would never see her again and I loved her so much and loved being around her and wanted to take care of her so deeply.. But now I know to much; she is not real; meaning; Not only is she not real; she is memories; but who ever I associated with; she was not up n up; her personality was 2 faced or 3 faced... or backwards upside down faced; what ever; it was all lies; that does not surprise me. Why should it.
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NOTE: More n more; This is looking life a narcissist take over; where the victim is played groomed manipulated and then mutilated/destroyed.
What would happen if I did let her go... That's what I aught to write about. Something has taken over my mind concerning this girl... I will work on this...
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NOTE: She left as if I had never met her or established anything with her... This is to cause massive great harm; and to switch blame onto the victim; Another narcissist trait of attack. The narcissist goes after victims of great value; by destroying them; they feel powerful in the world.
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MODEL KITS:
Im getting more n more into my hobby of model kits; I like it.
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Weight Loss;
Got to watch it.
I do well when I dont eat much on my diet; and this diet will be going on for months. Ive noticed; when I eat 2 much; it stays with me.. I get fat...
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I am on my bike tho...
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I didnt have the character to be around someone... I had no character; I needed a nut house and a shrink and a protected environment.
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I did not need to be around false fake people; and thats who I found and they fooled me from the beginning and continued to do so completely without a hitch!
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NOTE: I was completely fooled. And that scares me! I truly was of no value to this person...
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Can I say she is not needed anymore; Maybe; I dont know... Maybe I can; Im not sure; Thats up to me... I dont know if this is possible or not yet! But part of me thinks so!
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NOTE: I had no love from any other sources on earth; So; I can see how I can be so infected by this situation and I had no one to talk to.. No outlet people; no wingman or wing people.
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Old useless memories have to be replaces with new good thoughts for my future.
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I think I really messed up my mind on this one. Ill continue to practice not remembering her and Ill work on recovery stuff not remembering her... I just need change.
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I THINK MY MIND IS DAMAGED!
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Working on all of this; This has made me much stronger and opened up the ability to create more with music and art; so it all has a good purpose; also; its teaching me how to brake through and get close to people again in a relationship; But I have much more work to do for that. Thats the idea.
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For the first time; Looking at some of the people from the past; When I write as if Im heading to their homes to talk with them; and I get to their door and knock and they open it; this is in my dialog writings; I walk in; Im asked to come in; I suggest sitting down on the couch and talking; I began now; to act as therapists style; non involvement; I look at the person; ask for her hands; pray for here telling her GOd loves her and has always cared about her... And then I begin to address her as a sick person; As I remember; looking back; she was actually violent when I consider her behavior; forms of it; The way I met her was a form of violent intent because it was a brutal lie. She planned on setting someone up; she had no intention of having any kind of relationship with me; it was an intent to harm extremally. And several; other incidences. IT was very easy to see she was pathologic; very sociopathic. Im thinking of at least 3 acts of violence that are important including the dislocated way of ending things; where I never saw her again; it was just sickening. Im starting to see her sick... Im not seeing someone that one dates; Im seeing someone that is pathological; and in my writings I kind of address these issues kind of like a therapist addressing a client. It seems to be working a little. I mean; Im seeing myself separated from the person. I see myself in my own boundaries; not emotional ones; I almost leave that for this person. By doing this; I also have admit that this goes further then several violent intents; it means theirs nothing their to start with from the first day; and no reason for me to visit a sick person of this type; impossible. So; Im seeing the person as sick; and thus; I can look at the sickness and question whether this person was really capable of being in a relationship. And for the most part; the answer is no; Not with someone like me! Now; The rest of me has to follow... For the most part; lots of me is following. I have PTSD and dissociative disorder surrounding this. So; its all hard to deal with. I had no support; the last time I had support was when a child; only because I lived in a house and everything seemed solid; It never was; but I didnt know that.
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So; As for the girl; Part of me sees this longing in me for her from when young; but another part is looking up n down at the part of me that still likes her; like! " WHat are you doing"; SHe was a sick person; a really sick person; not someone you date...( not someone you like) I mean; its laughable; really laughable. THe key is to continue to write about her in this impersonal position of therapist feel. Do this until more n more open up and I finally accept the fact I was dealing with a real cook. And much worse then that; I was dealing with a violent type sociopath right from the beginning. Someone that would never change and would never be going to a therapists office because their will never be anything wrong with them.
NOTE; I TO AM SICK… And when I get better and can get a grip on things; things will go better for me; and getting over this ridiculous insanity from the past; This will be the best thing ever.
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I made the mistake of not having a clue; but really; no one would have a clue; I dont know anyone that would have frayed anybetta...
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So; I have to keep it up; until I accept; no-one really capable of having any kind of relationship with anyone.
For the most part this is working. Im sure Ill be able to accept more n more of this concept as I work on it and look back and gather information from the past; Evidence to support my position; Im sure their is plenty of it. Its really kind of laughable as I look at it; I mean; ANyone would have gotten caught in this mess; I cant think of anyone not getting caught in this the same way; Its just one of those strange flukes that happen...
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NOTE; The way I was played the whole time; was a giant form of Gas Lighting; looking back I can see this; I was set up in a thousand little experiments meant to humiliate me publicly or destroy my emotions... Almost like someone was leading me then pulled the rug on me; a thousand times. over n over n over n over n over. These little abusive experiences adding up over time and then one final smashing blow destroyed me; it was meant from the beginning. I never saw it; and all this trauma was slowly putting me to sleep; I was getting sicker n sicker n sicker. Looking back; Why would anyone in their right minds do this to anyone! I mean for what; so they could permanently destroy someone; create permanent damage; murdering someones life permanently? disability; complete mental breakdowns or suicide! So; what do I call someone like this! As I investigate more n more; I find a part of my brain folding backward to accept all of this. Another part of my mind has no problem accepting this.
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NOTE: Their is a real possibility this person was intentionally trying to get that desire affect to come out; to control me through false interpretation; false intention. Not feeling anything for me; playing the role of interested person; to see the effect it had on me; day to day; And finally crippling me completely and then leaving... setting me up and then leaving.... the whole thing is so sick... This was a complex plan on her part; not something silly and easy; it was planned out; and I believe practiced on others; several others long before it was played on me. I was so naive; thats what they look for..
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AN EXAMPLE OF REALITY:
I knew a guy that was given a camper van all furnished and free; really nice one; he headed out of town; it had a nice stereo; he was jamm'n to some music; Going down the highway about an hour out of home town; He was heading to see his x wife? THey were thinking of getting together; everything was great; "SMASH"; Lights out! Van comes rolling to a stop on the edge of the highway; My friend half daisied and confused. He looked around for the other car; Nothing; He could not see anything; no one... He was able to stumble out of the van. He had hit an Elk or something; and the elk split in 2 pieces and landed all over the highway... The Van was totaled. He couldnt believe it. No more Van; it was gone that fast...!
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Things happen to people. Things happened to me. What happened to me was a big thing; the problem is; I have to slowly ween my emotions off it... Slowly seeing things from a different point of view... the smashing effect of this hit my life an atomic bomb. It did allot of permanent damage; I am still damaged and will be for the remainder of my life!
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I have to remember this sick persons intent was to cause harm and very brutal ways; I was a stranger but I was also a victim; I mean it was a criminal act in many cases... The real problem here was having any feelings for a person like this; this was not a safe person to associate with; Not to know ever; to stay away from; a thousand miles from. That is the goal. To get that focus and my heart onto the other side of the street; the street of sanity; so I can see things clearly.
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Im assuming this person was much worse then I gave credit. Ill keep at this until I come back.
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When writing in dialog style;
By playing therapist here; It kind of gives me back to myself; I never lost myself; their was no one to take me away from me. I thought someone was personally attacking me. I mean; THey were; but they were not a personal person. They were a stranger attacking me because they are violent in nature in form or another. And that's all they are... They were a mindless identity.
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My problem was ever getting involved in the first place. That fateful day.
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However; theirs more to the story then this person; Before this person; After this person; That's what important here; the goal is to get myself back. Get myself back after NOT being with this person anymore; or being around them; that's what I'm kind of addressing right now.
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This whole thing reminds me of going to the ZOO. I go to the Zoo in the big city; I see the Lions and the Bears and the Cobra's; However, Just because I see the Gorillas and Lions and Bears; This does not mean I have a nervous break down because I have to leave the Zoo; I mean; that's what happened after I had to leave this girl; My identity was gone. My worth was gone. Everything was gone. Taken from me.
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However, Im starting to see that maybe I can retain myself after all this. ITs not easy; but I think I can do this now. A little. Its really hard on my PTS'd personality. Its hard to rise up and face things head on; after being destroyed head on... It triggers all the ptsd...
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So; the goal is to keep looking at life without ever seeing or meeting that person; and the gap time I knew her; fill it in with something else.
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NOTE: The goal is to get to a point of sanity that I do not miss her anymore!
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I was used by someone; a criminal basically. I mean; worse; I mean; thats all it was... I was nothing else... Its sickening because I was a decent person.
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Victims of narcissists go through the exact kind of thing after they've been taken for everything their worth; I understand completely. Its a complete farse from the beginning.
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So; I have to look at that time period where I was mentally injured by this person; For about a year. theirs about a year 1/2 of my life; gone.. I mean it was spent under her spell. I did not know someone had put me under a spell because most people dont bother to fake someone out. I thought she loved me. This person cannot love anything.. Or; they certainly had no intent on loving me; but they played into it just enough to keep this game going... And that was the point... But that is not the point; because the person is sick; I mean really demented and violent of nature; Theirs no real personality here. Its just a sociopath... So; dangerous situation. Im not the first; I wont be the last.
The point is; this person Is not a person; Im in shock because more n more I think this person was a monster...
NOTE: Im wondering who God actually wanted me to meet!
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Sometimes the narcissist sociopath ends up in my frequency when Im looking for someone else… They have an evil way of doing this; Buyer beware! I wish I had used that advice.
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NOTE: I BOUGHT INTO IT! NO ONE MADE ME! BUT ILL BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR IT!
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This was not a person!
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So; Im seeing myself for that year; as; Ill take that year back please and forget about it or act as if it never happened. And wasn't even important enough to report on. Ill take my life back where I gave it away to this other person. I gave my life to this person out of dedication and self sacrifice love. But there was no person their; not ever to give something to; maybe to run from; completely.
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I cant solve all of this tonight. Im getting closer; I can see some forms of sanity and mental health coming back concerning it.
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