July 2025
June 2025
Preview: Installment 7; Limbo land; Wanting and the stretch of reality
Well; Ill have to pray about this one; For various reasons I've lost several blogs for this post before I could post them.
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As nothing to do with this site... My computer shut off or I had a time out or I accidentally pushed the wrong button on the keyboard and it erased everything. I had to stop and pray; was it time for me to move on to a new blog.
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First; I'm moving forward in the process of direction and Purpose. Although I have Agoraphobia; Working with the universe and God. I found myself very interested in writing music again; this time stopping every few minutes to pray to God or meditation; this getting me closer to my inner being.
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I'm learning a system that works. When I stop every 5 minutes and use a guided meditation; its showing the universe; I'm on the side of the Universe and I want the universe to guide me. I want to stay inline with my inner being continuously; to the point of stopping every few minutes and praying or meditation.
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I have three goals.
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A better attitude and understanding about money consciousness.
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What is my Purpose?
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Connection with the outside world.
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A better understanding about money. I'm starting to see in my imagination; MONEY! Money trees and money falling all around me like thick big snow flakes; Like I'm on a money island. Yes! This is good! a positive interest in money; YES YES YES; GOOD GOOD GOOD!
When money has no value or is devalued or hated it causes poverty. In fact when a person is broken when young with no goals for money; they become homeless and don't get to fare in life. But; help can come ones way; they can restudy about wealthy people and how to get a wealth based attitude; it takes time; Its not free. Its something I ask the universe for help with and the right teachers will appear; In the form of books or videos or what ever. All Good.
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What is My Purpose; This has been the forefront of interest for the last few weeks; I'm assuming this era I'm in; this sphere will take a few years of work. I'm just in the beginning of it.
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Signs are showing I'm getting better. I just am and I'm able to do more then before. I was outside today heading for purposeful reasons. That means my inner being is taking over. And Hes heading me outside for connections; it started today.
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My purposeful life is showing up. Its starting to affect other areas of my life Like Art. I got an idea that was exciting today of creating something on canvas. Its been a long time since being excited about doing anything; but that is all changing as I change back into an exciting person who is less dissociated from reality. I still have my trauma mental issues; they are not Gone; but I also have God. and these days I take God with me as number 1. I'm learning to spend as much time praying and in meditation as I am without it. It keeps me inline with the universe and it tells the universe that I'm on the universe's side; not against it. Thus I get help from the universe. And Ill continue to do this and get better at it.
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Music creation has started again; but this time I stop every few minutes and meditate. God takes over first and in the middle and at the end. I play a few minutes I meditate a few minutes to God and my inner being. 50/50 these days no matter what I'm doing; half goes to God half goes to my purposes.
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So; I realized I'm finally slowly coming out of this horror nightmare of my past with Gods help. It was like a war. And I was completely destroyed.
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So; I'm authentically showing signs continually of getting better. I look forward to the day I become totally present and forget about my past. Because I was subjected to pure torture by pure evil human monsters who planned all of it that way from the beginning.
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I'm seeing myself stronger and slowly coming back to a certain level of sanity from all this deep horror. But not yet. I'm just starting to see the changes; or to grow out of that horror I was pulled into. And this is magnificent. Because not so many people get this chance; I've certainly worked for mine but still; I am lucky to be where I'm at right now. If this continues; my growth I know Ill just get better with time. I don't want to say less afraid; but Ill find myself in less situations to be afraid.
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True healing and strengthening is going on. I'm assuming its because of God Universe and the work I continue to do... I'm slowly rising out of the ashes of the dead!
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m slowly now being pulled out of that gruesome nightmare into myself again. However, let the reader not be fooled; I am damaged goods; legally found not to be able to work or feed myself; thus the damage.
I still have agoraphobia
I still have dissociative disorder
I still have severe bouts ongoing with long term PTSD CPTSD and so on
mild form of continues depression. It's not the clinical depression I had for 20 years but its present.
AVPD; this is something I deal with.
Despondent; not interested in anything or life or being alive or relationships; Ya know; sever PTSD>
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However; I am showing signs of being interested in life again; and I've work damn hard on this 10,000's of hours... Lots of work here.
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And I am showing signs of authentically being interested in life again and my life again. And its showing.
I've mentioned a few concepts in this block and I know if I keep this work up Ill continue to get more interested in life.
Before this; I was a ghost; lifeless. Now things are changing if I put the work into them and have God in all things saturating everything. The universe first and all things are possible.
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I'm just entering this concept of Purpose; it has not been that long that I've had those paradigm shifts; not long at all and those shifts smashed me out of the past; out of an interest in the past. it is dead to me now. My energy is moving from my heart strait out like a beam of light from my heart strait out to what is in front of me; with Gods help to recreate a blank open canvas called life that sits in front of me; I am the creator of my future. I'm not used to it. So; I turn to God for all things all the time every time.
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The universe brings the impulses to go into a specific direction of pathway to the pathways of least resistance.
Meditation helps to understand this; as much meditation as possible for that is where my inner being lays. And my inner being knows what I want. And my inner being is tied into the universe.
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I will continue to talk to God first before I make music and I will talk to God more then make music through meditation. I will spend an equal amount of time in meditation as I do music exploration. it will be an equal amount of both; thus keeping in the strait with the the direction of the universe.
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And I may attempt this with Art as well; for a great thing is happening; because of God I am getting interested in all this stuff again. I'm showing an interest in things and its because of the universe. My trust in working with God.
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However; as I have said; all of this is new to me. I was prompted by the universe to do all of these spiritual things and I will continue to seek out the inner voice of source energy of the universe to here the universe speak to me in its own language.
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I will stop and meditate now.
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I have more to say.
Im still agoraphobic in my apartment and I still really can only go to 12 step meetings I have no other connections in the outer world. However.
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Connections; I'm asking and working with the universe to create connections for me in the outside world. I practice this concept on paper writing up stories as if I was taking steps down a pathway to that place the universe has set up for me. I then visualize it in FPV. First Person Point of View. As if I'm there. I practice taking steps in my imagination and I write stories about taking those first steps; I pray about it and getting help from the universe and safety and I do meditation. I use guided meditation for career for direction and purpose for positive attitude creation and for wealth; to become rich and wealthy. All running through the universe.
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I have read books concerning success... some are like Bibles for the rich... Think and Grow rich by Napoleon Hill is a must have for all time. And lots of teachers on YouTube for laws of attraction.
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As long as I understand that I meditate and pray the same amount of time that I attempt a project then Ill be OK. And In being led to the right projects in life by my inner being and Universe to start with. And when I sit down to create something. If ive been in instructed by the universe to start out with short bouts; say 15 minutes of creation time. 7 of those minutes will be meditation. If its an hour; then half an hour will go for meditation. Ill work at something for 5 minutes; Ill then put on a guided meditation and listen to that for 3 minutes. Ill work at something a few more minutes and then stop and put on a meditation for 3 minutes. And Ill keep this routine up fully at least for now. For I am just starting in this vast desert of Purpose. I just don't know enough yet.
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In not done; i still have more to report. I can feel it.
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So; In starting to feel better in general; I am getting hit by bad thoughts from fake friends and a step father that was no friend of mine. I had to go silent and passive around those people and be treated like a second class citizen. IT was horrible and will go way beyond what I've written here by the time I'm 16-17 years old. Almost full destruction to my mind and life.
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Im feeling better and hopefully God will work me through those bad thoughts. As I get better I get memories from different time periods of bad things and bad people hurting me over periods of time. That tried to make me the bad guy. The fall guy. I never even thought of such things when I was very little but even very very little I knew something was wrong. And I suppose Ill have to talk about different times at different blogs; Im not through yet.
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But I am feeling safer or better. I just have to keep working with God and heal.
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So ; I still have a lot of work to do on myself to feel safe from my memories; the PTSD> or CPTSD>
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I have to change my attitude about money; that was hardened against me because of abuse when young. So; its hard to get into or to feel independent or safe. I always feel like; if I focus on something in front of me I cant protect my sides or my back and someone will be there that is trying to molest me.
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I just want relief and God is helping me; thats what counts. Sometimes the bigger need for relief leads me to strange places and around strange people; if I felt better I would not need to be around so many people for help.
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I remember when young running to other peoples houses; they were never my friends; I just made them my friends they never liked me. They never wanted me at there homes. They were always opportunists. They were not the right kind of people to become friends with; they were stuck up devious people; thats why no one else liked them; I never saw it. I saw nothing. I lived in my own world in order to survive. Today; I have to keep working with the universe on all things; just keep it up. I seem to slowly get somewhere. Its not perfect; I still have nightmares and PTSD>
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I gets so tiring seeking relief. O well.
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Im really triggered right now; I just got up. Its late at night. However, I did a meditation. And Ill do another and pray.
Its the sexual abuse and the abuser thats still in my mind. I could not protect myself and had no protection. And I was just a child. Sickening.
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Im always seeking relief for this. Thats why I go to so many meetings. The people at the meetings don’t know this; no one knows this; they don’t know what its like; this kind of PTSD over n over n over.
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Fear!~
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I wont leave this blog on this note; Ill wait and write some more when Im more positive.
So; Ive done a few more meditations.
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Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow and have a productive day…
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I'm feeling very insecure and not sleeping; I think ive been triggered badly. I knew this was not going to be easy. I'm slowly getting better; this is bringing on more bad memories. Basically memories of not being safe.
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Im seeing all kinds of situations of not being safe. I'm feeling what its like to be moved from one house to another without choice with no parents; foster child; same equivalent.
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Im seeing it all and feeling it; its not good; life facing demons; thats whats been happening. So; I will take it to God and keep going.
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