June 2025
May 2025
Activities
and
Relationships
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Activities; I don’t need anything.. 100% figured out… Ive worked out the trauma assorted with this… I don’t need to bring this up at 12 step groups or therapist. This does not mean its not hard creating things within activities; it means; Its not a problem.. If Im lazy because I don’t want to do the work; so be it; but I can do something about that; ( its hard)I don’t have any mental issues around it; not more then acceptable or more then anyone else; everyone bitches about the work involved in things.. However; Im fine.. The problems associated with creating are normal. Im not suggesting I don’t have regular blocks; walls up of things in this situation; but no more then anyone else; and I don’t really feel any walls right now; Nothing from the past… Ive got obstacles from the present; but no more then anyone else wanting to climb a this mountain.
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Relationships; 50% figured out….
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50%; Figured out… I still have to climb certain mountains of denial and face dissociative behaviors when triggered. Im not in acceptance of reality. Ill get there. And when I do and Im ready and worked things out with God; Ill simply accept my pathway on this subject under God. I wont be any better or worse then anyone; I just be a person starting out like everything else with no expectations and no false level standards. I have to really drop my standards if I want to be anything other then alone. Ive had up walls since early childhood because of neglect. And Ive got to work with God to feel safe enough and free enough to allow those walls to come down. Ive always been on the defense.
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I Will go on a journey under God; a relationship journey ( thats whats building); Not Ivy league; Bowling league. What this means?. Ivy league means rich entitled high society position; red carpet living; catered to. Bowling league means; in my town are 2 bowling allies.. Businesses associated with the sport or activity of bowling. This was at the hidth of popularity in the 50;s and 1960s In Middle America. The bowling people; people who Bowl; lots of Blue collar workers… People that physically work for a living; maybe lower middle class; basic middle class at the time. This type of person can be honest hard working and have to walk their own journeys; they don’t have a rich Grandmother at home paying for everything…. They have to go their own journey and face things on their own and learn to interact with it and deal with it. These people have to pay for their own cars and learn how to work on them as well. They learn to do things for themselves and don’t expect anything else.
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So; Like the blue collar worker of the bowling league; this is my level of spiritual development( says God); My journey; my blue collar bowling league level positive relationship journey. God is using this level of identity for my journey so I learn how to develop hands on ( Ive got to learn how to do things for myself); so I learn how to interact hands on. I learn how to go on my own trail; my own pathway; my own journey; walking down my path; meeting the people and places and things and creatures and desired objects God wants me to meet and be apart of and own… I will learn how to deal with them and if buying a product; Ill work for that to happen under God; As for people; and take care of them and work with them and be friends with them; what ever it is Im suppose to do down God pathway; dealing with; or working at developing the skill of a thing. Ill be interacting with it and asking God for help the whole time… Ill learn how to go down my own journey and face what I need to face to proceed down that journey.
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RELATIONSHIP JOURNEY;
The journey lll be working on first; is the relationship journey. My goal; is to get it up to speed; take back the power of my life; take back the ability to go after what I want with the understanding I live in the real world; Ill be participating in my journey interacting with people places and things working under God to get what I want in life. Down Gods journey of relationships are the people God wants me to be with.
Development; Ill be working on developing the adolescent stage and beyond. I have allot of development work; skills I need to learn; maturity… As I align again within self and God and guidance system hooked to the universe. I have many things to learn to interact with… participate with; that is my journey under God. Learning to let go of the past and move into the present where I began developing with God my future; Very much like the Wright brothers sticking it out to create flight.. That is a good example of my journey; Im looking to take an idea with Gods help and turn it into a reality… Thats the real nature of my lifes interests… Through the laws of attraction; and other means; The Book; Think And Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; I use those concepts to create my wealth; what ever that wealth may be. I study Online Laws of attraction coaches…
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Anyway; Im on this journey now concerning this process of creating my desires through universe and laws of attraction; with the subject of Relationships. I can do this because Ive worked through past relationships/resentments.. Ive worked through this past enough to set me free enough to move forward; under Gods care. And Im now heading outward into the world again on my new Relationship journey Pathway…
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MUSIC CREATION; Im doing Oke….
The major problem right now Im having is to continue the work on paper with new stories of what music equipment I need to create with; want to create with. I would like a stage piano or something I could haul and play live; 88 keys; The problem is; Which one.
The problem is complicated The onset of computers adds another dimension to buying choices. For; music synth or stage piano’s can be played live; hooked up to speakers; However its also popular to hook them up to computers; thus a much wider range of keyboards are available to choose from because Im using them for stage piano use and practice and for computer use; The key is to find something I can hook up to the computer and use on stage and play piano all rapped into one; and still have special computer connectivity abilities that give me an advantage when using it with the computer.
NOTE: Many times; musicians buy 3-4 keyboards to use for different tasks; One for computer; One for practicing; one for the stage; and so on!
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It can get expensive when I start buying one keyboard for the computer; one keyboard for the stage; One keyboard for experimentation; one keyboard used as a musical workstation ( a specific kind of keyboard); one keyboard for practice. It seems when I pick a keyboard; Ive eliminated several other keyboards that would work just as well and are also of great interest; So many choices.
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These keyboards at pro level are not cheap… $$$$
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And for the top lot of music piano keyboards; the very top with all the bells and whistles; Only 3 to 4 viable keyboards to choose from and they are expensive.
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Buying from the best;
Its important for a serious musician today to buy from a reputable brand like Yamaha and other top brands. The reason; reliability. Many of the newer more independent brands; their workmanship is outsourced and shoddy! This means keys falling apart and breaking easily; to easy. Ive gone through probably 5 different boards Ive had to either return or try to repair on my own with no electronics knowledge or skill; thus making the problem much worse. Ive govin a few keyboards away. I destroyed a few expensive boards; One under warranty; I got so mad I tore it apart; I decided to tear it down and try to fix it myself; I got so frustrated I through the whole thing out. I got mad because Ive broken several keyboards; Ive broken them numerous times.
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After reading reviews on makeshift music keyboard companies that build shoddy boards; I found out why I had a bad attitude; I was not alone; many people feel ripped off by these outsourced junk keyboards when they break down after a week. Alas Ive learned hard hard lessons; to beware of buying from unknown music keyboard companies. Ive lost several thousand dollars over the years from buying shoddy equipment; From buying equipment that failed me or was not up to spec for general use.
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However; when I look at the boards I gave away; those I broke or threw away; The money spent on this Hobby; it hasnt been that bad relative to some hobbies. It wasn't that much money; it wasn't 100 Grand or anything; but it wasnt cheap either. But it is irritating to buy something with no quality workmanship. It seems everything is built out of plastic and its outsourced to some obscure country where the build quality lasts for less then a week. I end up having to send it off for repairs for 2 months… I didn’t want to bother anymore.
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In the end from my experience; Im only buying from the major big company players. However; Their keyboards are not cheap; Just to get peace of mind and quality; it can cost me as much as the beginning prices on a decent used car… And these major companies know this. They know they can charge high prices. They charge high prices because their equipment will solidly last a few years.
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In fact the music keyboard companies are pushing this gimmick; They will build a keyboard with additional synthesizers built in( gimmick); build them into that one main 88 note keyboard. They will build in a drum machine (gimmick). They will add a recorder ( gimmick). They will make it easy to set up with speakers; easy plug n play when on stage and and all in one solution for hooking it up to the computer… They add mixer features like mixer faders( Gimmick) on the board above the key-bed. They add rotary dials above the key-bed to control the new built in synths. They add wooden feeling keys; weighted action. So it feels like a real piano. All of these pieces added to the keyboard; they all add up monetarily; The key-bed can run a 1000$ or 2 on its own. The built in synths can run a 1000$; The connective computer hardware built in can cost 1000$ on its own. A keyboard I want used to cost1000$ now costs 3000- 4500$ in 2024. Great! What are the alternatives? They all cost about 3000-4500 bucks n on up!
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If I buy Anything cheaper then 3000-4500$; I don’t get the components Im looking for. Anything really cheap and it breaks within a few months… Welcome to 2024. Start saving my pesos; it aint getting any better out here. I work with God; God will supply. God universe will help me.
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So; if I want one ( music keyboard); start saving and planning ( start talking to God). Can I get a smaller cheaper version of this; NO! If I want the quality; the long term quality; Ill be paying for it; its not cheap; but for a long term creator like myself its well worth it; but My GOD; Please don’t tell anyone; Im so embarrassed of the price. And this may not cover the live work keyboard I need. Thus is the racket of buying music gear these days… So; Im praying about all of this right now for God to help me make decisions… and for God to supply the mu-la.
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NOTE: So; what has been the answer for many to afford good keyboard stuff; Well; Simple; they buy keyboards with 37-49-61 keys instead of 88 hammer weighted piano keys; and also; they buy something called a midi board built specifically for hooking up to the computer. This is a musical keyboard with no on board sounds. It only has a key-bed; I have to plug it into the computer for it to work with computer sounds; the sounds come from computer software… Unfortunately for the kind of stage piano experience I want; Those pianos always have their own built in sounds ( thats how their sold) and Ill will have to pay for them… Not cheap.
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NOTE: The problem is; I might have to go to a music store some where and really try them out and see what I want… and what I don’t want. Normally id just order them online….
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IN GENERAL;
Concerning my mental health the affects everything;
I have a hidden dissociative area in my brain; Recovery work is to open that deep part of myself up. I had a broken life stolen from me; where I could not function or develop. And if I open that dissociative area up; Ill have to see it in all its rage and hatred.. and all its morbidity if I start going into that dissociative area, down deep. However; if I go into that dissociative area and can slowly deal with the real horror trauma of those who abused and abandon me; and the losses of my childhood; major losses; I might make it back to reality. If I keep working on my recovery by opening this dissociative area; I might recover…
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THOSE FROM THE PAST:
Im seeing an pattern. Im seeing a pattern of scam artists conning me; Thats all that happened; they were never my real friends; they were acting like friends; but they were actually trying to scam me. Set me and fool me; They were not my friends. I just never saw it; I was innocent. I find the whole thing sickening; I was in a horrible state of desperation; So I ran to anyone that would take me in. I never checked if they were safe; I just assumed they would be decent people; They were never decent people. Many of them fooled me for many months; sometimes years; they were never my friends. Its truly sickening; its also reality. When I head off into the dark forests into neighborhoods Ive never seen before and people I know nothing about; this is what happens. Also; because im not connected to any; these people saw me as expendable and disposable. They figured they could set me up and use me any way they wanted to… play me anyway they wanted to then get rid of me with no plans of ever seeing me again. I wish I had known; but I didn’t. I got used very badly.
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Now; all I wish is to move on from all of this and learn to re create a life under God…
Our partner
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