June 2025
May 2025
Changes…
Changes are constantly showing up. Small ones consistently daily; its as if my inner being and my inner self inner child is fighting to come back; to surface. To come back to where he was as a child… to start over independently.
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Today I felt something I have not felt before; Not since I was a child; It was a free part of me I remember feeling when riding my bike to someones house in my neighborhood when a child… That means; Im at that frequency; and its showing up… If this continues; I think the original me will be coming back pieces at a time. I believe thats whats happening; God is creating my life again! Bringing it back... restoring it.
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I work at my recovery very hard everyday I guess; slowly working into a new way; a new way of thinking… And guided by my higher power God universe Jesus Holy Spiritus with Angel armies for protection; God is guiding my inner back; back to my childhood self. And when I do the work; suddenly I awake and Im a different person. And this has been happening; Im getting closer to the original me; And Im getting growing and getting closer to becoming the original me. Well; its just starting at this new frequency... I have hope... Its so new; its still the unknown.
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Im showing signs of it; its startling to go through at best. This whole experience is startling; it is what the world used to call miracles. Today with this lost society; supposedly I don’t think anyone even thinks like this unless they are fully in the recovery spiritual world.
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NOTE: Their is a growing large groups of us; I think we exist because of the extremes of problems in society. So; there are many who would understand where Im coming from… However; I don’t always meet them… This new recovery groups of us in the world...
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My point; God is continues to bring me back. However; I must show Im sincere and want Gods help and ask for help. Ask for help help help all the time...
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And Im always learning how to do this… or willing to do this…
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GOD PATHWAY…
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God must come first; Not my ability to figure things out. Its my job to humble myself to God; Humble myself down The God Pathway and allow God to figure things out and come back to me with a new world He has created for me…
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God is helping me…
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The cross roads of confusion. The goal is to work on going down the God Pathway for an idea in life I do not know about; don’t know the answer. Instead; go down the God Pathway and allow God to train me and mold me and teach me and create a strait path within me down Gods Pathway inline with God and The answers Im suppose to know will come… I have to earn it first; and that is a God Pathway experience.
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If I don’t understand women; Go down the God pathway. If I cant seem to come to a conclusion about what synth piano keyboard Im suppose to have for my music making; I just cant get there from here; Go down a God Pathway…
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Maturity Pathway of development down God Pathway…
What am I suppose to work at; Im suppose to work with God to go down and strengthen down God Pathway thus to understand all things; things that baffle me…
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When it comes to continuous work concerning FIRST LOVE; Its; Go down God Pathway; let God reveal what new information needs to be learned. Learned about all things… So I can grow up! Deal with whats missing.
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A hill exists; a mountain; a smaller mountain that needs to be climbed and over come; climbed up and faced; overcame; and then climbed down… This is part of the God Pathway I must face…
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Taking enough steps down this journey to a point of making the changes into more reality and acceptance…
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So Im on this journey of God Pathway… Thats the message. Sure; I have a lot of questions concerning life right now; and how to move forward with in the universe and get a life. Im trying to come back from a forced broken childhood I separated from. As my childhood returns to me; The child in me would like to move forward; but I have no skill or experience at it. Nor do I have any ideas or maturity for such things.. Its all blank. And thus I must go on a journey down the God Pathway to experience and gain more knowledge…
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To protect myself I kept myself to myself even when around others when very young; but suddenly all life stopped and stopped with it… Like a smashing wall coming down in front of me. And now the wall is lifting and Im at that mental age; emotional age it dropped in front of me.
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Ive learned working with God that the direction I take to learn is under Gods care… no other; it is one direction; God Pathway. And that is a kind of strict direction. I will be Oke…
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NOTE: WOrking; on questions like; " God; Was FIrst Love maybe an actual friend. I mean; was she a friend of mine?; What about the others God".
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What I am planning to learn? To Be more independent.. more mature about life; To learn to be on my own feet again and make my own decisions.
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Resentments are the number one killers and Ive worked through many of them. Im still working through them. But Im not. Ive actually worked through all of them; And that may be the problem. Im stuck… And if I want to move forward I have to learn how to walk again spiritually emotionally maturely; That kind of thing… Intellectually. Im not stopped from moving forward because of resentment as before. Sure; I still have actual deep resentment about the whole of my life experience that has destroyed me; Yet; its turned from resentment to caution; to action. Im not really being held by resentment anymore; I know better. But I am being held by fear! Not anger! …Maybe terror of the unknown. Ive been hurt; Im still deeply freaked out and hurt; but do I believe in it anymore; Well. I don’t believe it has power anymore; accept an unknown; Fear! … And take that what I just said with common sense; meaning; Im able to move forward now. Im not different then anyone; Im sure I have the same amount and much much more of emotional pain and horror and sorrow; but I don’t. I mean; I have been through it; Ive been there but I don’t think Im being stopped anymore then allot of people in life at this point. I have massive problems; but can I face them and do something about them? YES! " Im slow". I can; resentments are not stopping my ability to be willing because they are not what I focus on. But I still feel the pain of this life in general concerning all that Ive been through…
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Im waking up; and realizing I just may be capable to pull ahead in life beyond the wall that dropped in front of me when a boy… The wall has lifted; God has removed it; and here I now am; just sitting in the jungle as I was before… waiting. Now; suddenly I can move. But I don’t know where to move to yet. The garden I was playing in as a boy is not there anymore. Im no longer at the residence to play. But I kind of am. That boy is coming back; but that house is not available. So; I must go down a God Pathway to continue my journey now that Im waking up outside the cave…
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NOTE: I am feeling sick to my stomach; as if Ive bitten off more then I can chew! Meaning Ive been through a mass amount of continuous changes; moving forward… and now Im literally outside the cave out in the open of reality life again; This because of massive long term resentment work with Gods directions; sponsors helping me and allot of continuous working concepts from God and 4th and 5th step work through 12 step groups… massive amounts continuously until Now; Ive had so many miricles; im sick to my stomach; Ive traveled for so very long down energy river; I think my nerves have given out.
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SO very much has been learned and exposed to me from the universe… Ive moved forward a great deal.
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Ill need to work down God Pathway for the answers I seek. The problem is; in certain areas; I still want to be God and think Im God and I am the power and Ive come up with the answers; and they are carnal. They are Godless worldly answers of arrogance; putting myself in charge. When in reality God is in charge. And instead of acting upon them this time round; I am receding to the back seat and allowing God to drive the bus this time. I am scared; I am blind and never knew anything; but I lied and never told anyone I was lying and knew nothing. Now Ill be moving forward in this bus but I wont be driving it; and it scares me to relinquish control. The way I deal with this; the way I look at letting go; the way I will be practicing letting go; God Pathway… That means no other way; Only one; Gods Pathway. And that means relinquishing control of many vital areas that defined my false worth and lies. And I am truly scared of the unknown. Im scared of the unknown in these new areas down Gods pathway… However; that is what Im preparing for… I wont get any ego boosts this time; No more lies… Ill just be me and work with God to find the real answers to the questions I seek; Ill be doing this with both feet on the ground as is… Im just another person on planet earth; nothing more… Thats what Im praying for and working toward; amen… God will be taking over control and it will be Gods brain this time running the boat not mine.. Ill just be along for the ride asking questions from God… God be with me on my journey. Amen…
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SO; I cant really go any further until I go down a God Pathway, A directon that will open up the dissociated areas of my mind from that time period; From a specific time period; not all of my life. But a certain set of months? I guess or years that will open me up to new pathways and choices of thinking that were shut down into blackness and numbing terror; where I was all alone…
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So; Ill start working on that now…
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