June 2025
May 2025
Next step forward into the new land…
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Numerous years back I started with success based thinking programs.
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Finally; my mind was a blank sheet of white; like a white board… Nothing on it. That wasnt bad; It just suggested I had been taught nothing from my parents or anyone else on how to survive or live.
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I was a white blank board. That means I was solid in my recovery; However; I needed more information; I did not know how to become successful; Then; God led me to people online that would act as Mother Father; these were Law of attraction coaches in business vidoe’s; and I watch them and learned from them.
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I spent years studying them ( laws of attraction videos and teachers and some books). I started this success training the first day of 2014; exactly or approximately 10 years ago. In 2018 After 4 years of work learning about how to use the Universe and God to manifest stuff, I began a serious soulmate search.
In 2016 I had started dabbling with the idea of soulmate. 2 years after getting involved in success based processes from 2014; Most of my work was based on the Book; Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; The LoA coaches were based on Think and Grow Rich. This book “ Think and Grow Rich” was the base or foundation of these success based video’s and teachers; This book “ Think and Grow Rich”; The Bible of success is the base of that movement.
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As I mentioned; I started leaning toward the idea of soulmate search 2 years after starting the success based thinking processes in 2014. In 2016; After 4 years of being involved in success based thinking processes; And working with the universe; I received a nudge from the universe to really take a look at what I was attracted to and interested within women; what did I really want in a soulmate; What color hair did I want; what color eyes; what interests; what nationality; Did I even know; did I ever really question it; IF the universe was involved; did the universe have certain kind of person in mind. So; I began my own private searching and private comparisons and views of people and places and things; and really honed in on what I might be interested in. This took about a year; this included physical type of person; ethnicity, education; communication ability; Interests, values and so forth; lots of stuff to look at… Family oriented; career oriented and so forth.
So; 2017 after I honed in on what I think the universe and I decided would be a good match of people; the general idea of what I was looking for; I began to attempt some basic manifestation work to see if I could attract anyone. Well; My manifestation ability was not strong enough yet; I could manifest basics; but I could not manifest my life into a New Life yet! or attract someone to that New life yet. How could I attract someone to my new life if I didn’t have that new life yet… If I did attract people; They couldn’t stay; I wasnt new yet; I wasnt a match! It was still the old me. And the old hardened me was of no interest to me anymore.
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So; I did appear to be attracting some people; Thats how I felt; so; some results I believe were showing up; However; Big problems hit…
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From the Universe; “ Until I worked on the past and moved beyond old resentments from false relationships of the past appearing real; until I got through those past traumas; NO GO! God would not allow me to go any further… I could not take the past with me. God gave me the techniques and understanding and drive to work on the past...
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OKE; Thus I began the work on getting through FIRST LOVE: A false faked friendship from some sociopath that was using me from the past; Or in my demented state; I think she was using me; she may have never been interested in even knowing me or cared… Something I was not prepared for. I was innocent; had no idea it was happening to me; being fooled; never knew… Its sickening; its like being raped; But life is a risky business and its not safe and its not fair out in the dark forest with its preditors… I just didn’t know… I could not tell at first that someone was grooming me to pull the rug out on me for the fun of it with no conscious.
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This work took about 4 years to get through ( work through the history with this girl I called FIRST LOVE). I wont go into all the details; tremendous amount of work. Worked at it everyday… I got through most of the problems and hidden pain and damaged areas… I made it through; still hurting and permanent damage; ruptured mind; but I made it through. Still have allot of walls and anxiety barriers to work through
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Its mainly clean up now… And acceptance and moving onward; Thats where Im at now…
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So; Here I am now; Back to the same soulmate search again.
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Again; I could not go forward with anyone emotionally until I got rid of the past first…
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Im beat up from the street up; and with a ruptured personalty; Im weakened but still interested in relationships; since Ive never really had one before.
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Where am I at now…
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Im at this interesting place; Its like this; What I want will require an army on my side. Meaning Im going against an enemy; that enemy is the fatigue of working through a world of people and fake possibilities… where I end up going down wrong roads and making lots of mistakes; Im afraid. Ill need an army on my side…
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Ill need an army; Im going out into the real world. Ill need a spiritual army. This type of search for the kind of girlfriend I want; this is not basic undertaking. This will require allot of work because Im looking for specific types of people; This is under God and God will attract what Im looking for. I will be in the God vortex and meditating about all of this… and God will bring them. However; Ive also got to be at their frequency… I have to change!
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Non of this is easy… Im scared to death of having to be responsible when Im not capable. Im now a little better at telling the truth about myself; we will see.
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The kind of people Im looking for; it will require an army on my side to stay sane while I go through this; it will be tough work… it will be a lot of work; nothing is free. Ill work for what I want… it will take what it takes but this is no basic undertaking; Not sure why I thought it would be in the past.
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Today Im more realistic about the actual work involved in what I want. And its allot of work scoaming through numerous people and places things to find what Im looking for that God is setting up for me. I ll have to participate under God and show up.
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GOD PATHWY; Gods vortex. I must show up and participate and do the work necessary. Ultimately; its about being in Gods Pathway under God; Gods will not mine…
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THE HORSE COMES BEFORE THE CART; NOT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE;
What does this mean. It means I get into a vortex with God; I send my desires to God; Im aligned with God through meditation. THEN; I wait and ask God for direction and strength to meet my problems as he would have me. I imagine what I want and then I sit quietly.
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I have to be reminded; I am no longer running the show!
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So; The Horse is God. God has the power! I am on the cart; if Im not appreciative of the horse that has the power to pull; I don’t go anywhere. In a sense I have to GIVE WAY To the idea; Im not in control here; I might be sitting on the cart but I cant get it move; and thus I go nowhere; I have no power. God has all the power. ( I must ask God for help) I have to reach out to God for help… I am no longer in control or running the show; and I have to be reminded of that on a daily basis.
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I depend on God; Gods will not mine; Gods mind and thinking; Not mine. Gods sight; Not mine; Gods wisdom; not my false wisdom… I blindly depend on God… Thus; I need to be fully involved in my connects of interest to God… thats all I aught to be doing. The more I work with God on my future; the better.
My will is for sale; its no longer usable for anything.
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The goal now; Getting to know God at a deeper level and allowing God to bring what I desire… And when in doubt; I am to sit quietly in doubt.. asking only for direction and strength… And so it is… Im trying to make a point.
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The goal is to align with my inner being and the universe using my guidance system that is set up for the universe. And then through meditation; find out my desires… and then work on creating new stories of beliefs for those desires. And then get into the God vortex… and feel them… and let God manifest them… And wait. I wait because I have no power myself. My power comes from connection and communication with God. I imagine enough and things show up… I imagine by writing stories of them as if those stories have already happened; Over n over and over. So much so; that the universe finally tries to fill in the blanks…
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The goal is to get to the right frequency level of what I believe; meaning; learn to believe Im going to get what Im asking for. And visualize it before it shows up; what Im wanting or asking for…
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MY POINT; I NEED AN ARMY…
I need the ability to understand this is a fight. I have to hang on long enough for things to show up; I have to work for it; strengthen up for it; fight to hold on for it… I need lots on my side for what I want; nothing is free. God has the power… I ask God for help.
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If all I had was the ability to ask God for help then God would bring all these things to me. Im suggesting now; I have the ability to participate a bit so God is wanting me to. Im active now; more thein I used to be back then; 15 years ago…
Im just suggesting; God is working with me and wants me to participate more in life suitable to the level of my ability; what ever that may be right now.
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So; The number one goal is; To align myself with my higher power… and understand; there is no other way. Regardless.
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I tried it before without God; and I ended up with false people; false fronts and sinking ships and I was on those sinking boats… I was the sucker, dumb enough to believe or trust the scumbags that pulled the plug on those ships after I was smooth talked into trusting them to get on those ships; and I wasnt suppose to survive… I was suppose to dawned and I was the last to understand this; They were out to murder; These were not my friends.
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A prayer that can sum it up… from AA Big Book!
ALL DAY – “As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves may times each day ‘Thy will be done.’”
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This prayer is all that Im trying to accomplish FIRST. This is the number one goal. And I have had some success at it… its not complete yet ( this journey)… Im good tho. But Im missing something; still trying to take my will back and do it myself or wanting to; or; altho Im not going after anything without God in charge; Im still resentful God is in charge and not me; I have reservations and Ive not completely given myself over to God yet; but Im learning how. I know its what I want. Its just a matter of time…
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This is the number one issue; Giving myself completely over to Gods care; and then dreaming about what I want or imagining what I want and allowing God to bring it. OR set me on a God pathway to what I want or envision… God in charge. Gods will not mine…
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So; My ability to trust God and stay out of the outcome or the results is the first goal..
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