July 2025
June 2025
Checking in.
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Ive made significant gains from recovery. However, Im very satisfied being completely alone in my room with my computer for the rest of my life. it feels safe. Im in state housing unit for older people with locked doors and lots of maintenance people. I feel like escaping the world. Because Ive never been in it; I feel institutionalized in one form or another as an introvert; all my life.
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Altho I spent much time at 12 step groups and Im loud and boisterous; and intelligent and elusive; Im actually an introverted.. Im like 2 people.
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Actually with Dissociative disorder; Im 6 people. Or I used to be; after integration Im not sure….
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The point Im trying to make; Altho Im showing progress in my recovery; I also want to hide deep in safe places and never come out. Im not sure Ive ever been out; or ever had success “ out their” in the real world.
Ive spent years and years and years talking at meetings. and talking to myself at home.
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I was put on social security for my breakdowns; I dont work. I cant take the authority figures or interactions that trigger remembered assaults on a daily basis where I could not escape when young. I wholly want this to change; I would love to be able to work again at something…. Ill pray about the ability to not dissociate when I think about such things; maybe learn to reprogram my brain to see this as a positive possibility.
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I struggled telling thousands of people all about my personal life at meetings.. In some cases; in the basements of churches; Ive told people things that could get me chased out of town. I never wanted to. Ive always been the most private of people but I did it to get better; that was the end result; to give myself a chance to live.
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Ive studied how to have success; how to hold on to an idea and work with the universe until it arrives. How to become what I want and then attract it. And Ill keep working at this.
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I regret not meeting more established or educated women. I suppose its not to late but I am getting old... And it might be to late...
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Ive sacrificed to get recovery.
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Im a college guy that never wanted to live like this. Ive never known how to live period. I never knew how to live in the real world; the closest I got to understanding the real world was TV shows when I was a kid… And then I was thrown out into reality where I was smashed and then it was lights out.
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Not sure exactly what Im saying here. .
While the rest of the world lived its life; I was at a meeting.
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In the present;
Im at a natural developed earned cross roads; Im showing signs of social ability again in many areas; areas with women; areas with guys as friends; areas with helping others; areas of interaction with the outside world and with boundaries...
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At some point the goal is to move on from the recovery process and be a bit more independent and on my own. I dont really want to go to meetings for the rest of my life until Im dead; I would like to actually live my life.
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CPTSD is still triggered when getting close to people; to a point that its a problem.. a big problem. So; Im still victimized and sent into freeze mode from the CPTSD in ways only we understand.
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Im interested in finding a new middle ground. Altho Im not quite ready for it; A place beyond the recovery process.
I used to say; I went from homelessness to the mental wards to the therapists office to the group therapy sessions to the 12 step groups to becoming socialized again at the 12 step group activity levels.
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At some point Im looking for something beyond this realm called recovery world; Im looking to step back into forms of society.
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The next step; beyond the recovery rooms but not quite into the arms of society. Something in between this.
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I would describe it as a place I can express myself and my views of life and interact and converse with others with no stress; its not a work place and its not society; yet it has society people within it; not all recovery people.
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Think of a big painting class where we can all talk to each other while painting and its everyday…. And anyone from the community can join and its usually educated people…. or something like that. And its always socially active and full. but its also an in-between between the recovery world and the real world. A stepping stone.
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And Im still isolated…. So; if I have to get up; it wont be for a 12 step meeting all the time but for something much more but still safer then ravaging around in society with the society-lites.
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Im looking for or writing about something in between society and where Im at now. I went from the therapists office to the 12 step groups. Now I would like to go from the 12 step groups to___________? That place right before the commands of society. And Ill work on that. I can see it in my head.
Its a place where people are freely working on things and having fun and are educated and its social club; people know each other and express their views and are respected. Are creative...
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Isolation. This is another place I hide. Im 2 people.
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