July 2025
June 2025
Women;
What am I afraid of. In order to find or attract the right valued people; Id have to go to the right places. Could that be the women's state penitentiary? I hope not! Im trying to make a point. What kind of values do I have and where would I find the right kind of people who have those type of values.
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If I go to those places; what will be expected of me. Im on a mental disability... I am wholly ashamed of it. it scares me ruthlessly to say it here. that means I still have ego problems; so; Im not home yet;
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But this Was good that I said it. Because that is what Im afraid of; and I dont know why; I wont be enough or accepted.
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So; Im finding a point or problem; Im a nice guy; a nice person; and Im having a hard time being authentic about my situation. I had mental breakdowns; I could not work or function; and maybe I dont like that.. But its true... Maybe I never liked those kinds of people and I ended up like that myself and did not know what to do.
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Something is wrong when I care more about what you think about me then what I think about myself. Im a nice person. Im not being myself; thats the problem. And I dont know why? I mean; maybe Im lying all the time about everything; thats the way it seems; Im trying to wear this mask to look good to everyone instead of accepting myself as I am. Im not sure why I wont; but I just got a flash and dissociated really bad at that moment writing this; so.....
Im having a hard time being myself; I saw bullies from the past coming in on me. Maybe I hate myself for not protecting myself from this filth... worthless psychopaths...
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The point is; Im on a disability; im a nice person. Im having a problem with this; and their lies the answer. I mean; someone of us simply end up this way at no fault of our own. Now what do I do. Why am I so worried about what other people think. Why am I so worried; its as if I have to control everyone and wear a mask so everything thinks Im someone else.
I have to keep up the popular charade or something... Why do I give a rip; why do I care?
I seem to have to have credibility with others. my image means everything... So; Im caught in that. Maybe I think they can use it against me. I dont know how; Im still a nice person; I seem to forget that. Im afraid that part of me will be over looked. I dont know. I will be judged; Im a good speaker; im afraid no one will see the real person underneath. Its as if Im acting like im rich; and Im afraid people will see that Im poor. I dont know. but I do know.
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Im lazy and I dont want people to see that Im lazy... I want to them to think something different about me.
I want to be something different than what I am. I dont like myself or who I really am. I hate people like me because all the people I wanted to accept and loved me hated me the way I am. So; I hate me the way I am.
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Ill find an answer....
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Im not sure if Im getting any closer; I dont know. Can I not be affected by what others think of me... is that possible and still like myself; because thats where im having a big problem...
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Someone else can be like this; in this situation and like themselves but not me. not good enough. Something is missing... I dont know. Ill work on it. Im just not accepting all this; Im having a hard time with all this. I dont like it...
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Self acceptance is a lot better choice; but its as if Im not good enough or I need more or something; Im not sure; or Im trying to be more. Not sure.... Ive got to be more then what I am. Something? Im afraid They will take me off social security and Ill be thrown out onto the street again where I dont function; sure; Yes; this scares me to death; but not just me; I mean; probably everyone who is on it has that feeling of self insecurity...
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Its hard to accept myself the way I am. im not sure why I cant come to reality; but then I have dissociative disorder and that is why I cant stay present... So..... I mean... its like a giant caramel apple spinning in my head; I just want to get off.
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I have to learn to like myself where Im at; why is that so hard; I feel un protected; bullies can attack me like before... where I had no defense; no one; it was a reminder I was completely alone and had been alone living on the idea that someone must have loved me and was worried about me and cared about me when in reality no one ever did and I didnt want to accept that... thats part of all this.
But I think Im on to a good idea; the idea of accepting myself; going way back to the beginning of my life and looking at that truth and learning to accept who I am then and now.
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Im afraid my image will be tarnished... Why cant I be both; someone who is deep and intelligent and on a disability for having mental breakdowns... Why am I not accepting this.. Its true and I hate it... but its true... but it is true.... it is true... I know that. Im delusional. in denial a guess. something; yes; Im not living in present reality is the problem.
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Women; Ive been able to ask women to talk to me; iVe pulled them aside and we've talked about my relationship problems with women; just like the stuff I write about. Ive been able to take chances and ask women I thought might reject me... So; Im showing signs that I can pull someone Im scared of off to the side and talk with them about my true feelings... and learn to end the conversation civil like.
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The problem has been; if I go back to the people of the middle class; a more educated group; I have this overwhelming fear they will all reject me; Im not good enough; So; the answer is one at a time and deal with the answers... some may like me some wont; Ill have to gain practice with that group of people. And this is super scary and super tough.
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Opportunity;
Im praying right now and working with others. The goal is to work the laws of attraction and other success based programs concerning visualizing and writing new scripts for opportunities... I want to be good at seeing them and acting upon them when I do see them. This can be done with practice; it is a real world thing but I can learn to master this stuff I think; I thinks so; Sounds cool; I mean; man! why not; why not try and see what happens; see if I function at all out their in the real world; you never know until one tries; yes; Ill work on this.
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