June 2025
May 2025
Whats next…
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First; I may have to take someone to court to get them out of being a problem around me… Ive got some very low weirdo low lifes; that are bothering me…
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After this. Its back to the middle class… I have middle class values and now I go back to my version of life with middle class values; No one from the past; Nothing!
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Ill be working with God to head back myself to the middle class… Ill be asking God; and working toward relationship/wife/family creation; House Car/truck Money… education; work… vacations… And so forth…
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So; this gap Im in right now; as I wake up; Im just waking up… and so I have a large gap to fill… or walk through or walk across a bridge to get to….
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So; Im in this strange lonely place… its all Oke…
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Im at this place to go back to where I came from; in this case; the acceptance within myself of who I really am and what I lost… accept that their were losses; Im back or coming back; to being myself again; so I didn’t loose myself. Im slowly coming back; I did loose myself; Im now regaining self slowwwwwwwly; but its happening… And that means my real independent self before I was slaughtered over n over no over. And all of this because of God…
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Ive worked through most external people who I was dependent on.
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God helped me move on by seeing the truth of them and of my role in things… and once waking up to some sanity; I was very welcome to move on and get out of there; and come back to myself and God and start over; accepting to start over…
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So; here I am now…
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Im more myself now; but without the fake people of the past pretending to prop me up as friends. I thought they were on my side; I was completely mistaken… 100% and that was my fault; not anyone elses for believing them. When I take responsibility for this; its a lot easier to clean up my side of the street and move onward… Moving onward from this kind of stuff is truly world level events in life. Its not easy; and it takes allot of work and along long time but completely worth it; IT starts by Talking to God; asking God for help…. The Universe has power I don’t; I go to were the power source exists…
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IM COMING BACK TO MYSELF… As my origional good self… where Im not tied into anyone or anything; I can be what ever I want… Ive done the work to become freed of several things… all things I think.
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However; Now I must work with God to believe HoUSE, TRUCK, WIFE, MONEY, OCCUPATIONS/WORK/CAREERS Educations…. And so on….. Getting life back…
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Married in 2024 or more At old age like myself; I don’t know; accept getting my life back means Getting that wife back I never had….
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Id like to say their were several people I was going to marry; or they were going to marry me; NOT SO. No such animal exists…
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I never created anything where anyone even thought of marring me; its all a fantasy in my head…
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So; Now; under God getting my life back; What I learn with God… I will ask God about a girlfriend ; a friend… Just meeting someone; just start with social after feeling good about myself; this is possible; but all things must be under God; Under God this time…. They have to be; I cant get out of line on this. I did that when young; and Got beheaded in the process….
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SO; I am authentically coming back to myself… without anything from the past; all that work has payed off… But its just a barely beginning; but it is up to speed and it is real…
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Now; That Im in this new plain; I just need to strengthen where Im at; keep going and growing where Im at getting stronger and stronger and
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GETTING TO KNOW GOD
Learning how to talk to God
Learning how to trust God
Learning how to ask for what I want from God
Learning how to receive from God…
Learning how to work with God
God teaching me how to connect with God…
Learning how to be close with God; walls down and trust… and talk to God about this trust problem and lack of belief. That I don’t think God will take care of me or look after me; Look what he did to me when I was young… Its like he became my enemy and tried to kill me. I was just a boy. SO; I don’t understand…
God allowed others when I was young to pull all stops out on erasing my life. And thats what they did..
And Now Im suppose to trust GOD; Are you Crazy…..
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So; these are the issues I have to talk to God about.
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I have to learn how to feel safe and good about myself when talking to God and getting close to God and trusting God… Im not sure how this will happen; But God knows how this will happen… God knows all of these things….
And Ill continue to work with God on all of these things…
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That interaction with God; that intimacy is what Im looking for… thats whats important to me… letting the walls down in front of God and working with God… back n fourth and learning how to trust God again… amen…
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This God thing is whats most important. I want my ability to believe in God again. Meaning believe in Gods reverence and good will for my life. I want to believe God has the strength to help me out.
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Help me Out.
IT seems to me that when I was Young; God did not help me out because he was not strong enough; or I was not on his list to care about; nothing… I was nothing to God… zero… If I was on Gods list of importance; I would have been more then rescued; I would have never been destroyed in the first place. What was God thinking about… Why would God allow such things; For what reason. Is God helpless… God cant help a child???/ WHAT!!!!?????????????????
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So; her I am wanting a relationship with God to ask God this… I want faith… But it has to be backed up by God… Im still waiting… Part of me has no faith in God; No BELIEF; For a good reason; Whats the point….. IF Im not going to be taken care of… or looked after… Why bother with any of this; its a lie and joke…
This is the part; God has to work with me on. Ill ask God; but I don’t want to spend years trying to get Gods attention concerning something God was suppose to be there for in the first place….
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So; I have the opportunity to talk to God and learn how to interact with God and learn to take chances with God and trust God… God has to help me… not let me just be sent into the dark….
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And so I have allot of work to continue with The universe…
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The goal is for me to get back to middle class identity; Get this stronger and stronger and stronger and slowly away from anything lower… Stronger and stronger; and at a higher frequency….
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Im in a very vulnerable time period. Im not sure How long it will take to get to the next level of frequency and value to myself and with God… Several months of growth I don’t know. But Im starting to come back to an enriched self; and independent middle class kind of self….
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Im at a much higher frequency then before. And Im much closer to be present to the middle class vacations I remember as a kid.
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NOTE: IN all reality; I think the middle class vacations had nothing to do with me. Those monsters would have given me away at a very early age if they could have… So; they didn’t go to vacation places because I was with them; they did for there own self centered motives. I was nothing. I was just a shelf doll as a child for parties; to make things look authentic to others. After they were done with me; They took me back to the rental center where they simply put me back on the shelf and my parents walked out never to be seen again; They could care less. IN a sense; that kind of monster does not care if I go on vacations; They don’t care if Im killed or raped or destroyed ever…. So; its all manipulation; all of it on their part.
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But secretly; off on my own; where I was alone by the water or the vacation store or the boat docks or the cabins; I had a great time alone wondering and drawing and listening to my music of that time on the radio… it was the best times of my life…..
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SO; I want to come back to being myself again; and its already started; and that startled me…
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My relationship with God must change; and get better and deeper….
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And it must follow through with Gods side of things. That means I work harder at God; working with God; more earnestly. And so thats where Im going.
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Its about getting my middle class values back; thats whats happening here. Amen…
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SO; I have allot of work to catch up on this GAP. Their is a gap between me and God; and it will take allot of work to fuse or for me to come closer to God. I am close kind of; but Im talking about like a few feet and even closer; like right up within God… And interacting with God; where Gods energy is in me and I am in God… interacting and working and have created a dependency for my life within God… and so much more work must be done for me to authentically create this… it takes more guts then I have right now. Id have to reach out deeper…. And I will practice this and God will help me to practice this… Amen…
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Im becoming present and Im becoming present as the person I want to be… I guess; or Im on my way or on my track…
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And Im so happy about that; well; Im still in desperation state or mode; Im not out of that yet; I just started to be different; showing Im coming back to reality… My original reality; signs of personal power and independence. The Power means; enrichment; direction. All power comes from God Universe. Not from me. But Im hooked in fairly well with God… Thats what I fight for and the perks have been good because of it. Im starting to come back as myself again.
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I seem to be gaining more sanity; But; Im just starting. So. I have such personality damage from the abuse abandonment and assaults and fear and terror… with no place to run an hide; nothing.
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But even with those bad things; altering me; Im still coming back to myself. Wonderful but I wont keep my fingers crossed. The goal is to just keep working with God and trusting and learning how to work with God and trust… Keep seeing and knocking…. Amen
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Its hard to describe where Im at. Growing into my own higher frequency… or back to myself… Ill keep working with God…
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Im not sure I have the worlds to describe all of this. IDENTITY… Its becoming….
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Its still blank; The slate because Ive not gone any further yet; I have to earn it under God… And I havent done that yet; I havent gone any further… Not yet….
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So much work to fill in this area… AMen
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