June 2025
May 2025
Relationship God Pathway…
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Im calling goals by their names; a general name with “ God Pathway” afterwords…
Maturity God Pathway
Developmental God Pathway
Money God Pathway
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So; Im Focusing on Relationship God Pathway…
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Im looking at the intricate problem and solutions and work ethic associated new relationships… Romantic… and what leads to them. Who they might be. But more importantly, what I need to change to take back charge of that part of my life.
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This part of my life starts out in grade school; with ideas; but those ideas are never realized; Im shut down walled off; completely stopped and will remain so. Their will be no development; nothing…
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Where Im now? Im at a legitimate place; earned; of starting over. I imagine; Im on a very slow slow river.. I just put a new canoe into the water and Im kind of floating off the shore a bit; no movement; I began to decide what my goals are… and thus I grab the oars and slowly after much contemplation of the goals; I slowly thoughtfully cautiously begin to row with the oars. Im heading off from a vantage point starting place… No past! Im just simply starting as is where Im at…
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So; I want to bring functional prosperous relationship ability into my earned sobriety. I don’t want the past dysfunction… I want things to be different this time. I want those who I feel Im equal to; I want those people as a goal. Ill work with God to get up to that level.
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Concerning the past;
I tried this when I was young; it backfired.. I found myself making friends with people I thought were of good quality; However; it never occurred to me they would think I was of a lessor quality; but they did; They thought me White Trash… Shocked; broken hearted; I broke away from them; receded. Dropped out. This happened with best friends I had when young to future girlfriends that never accepted me because I was inferior… Thus; they were never girlfriend or friends; They were complete strangers…
This stunted me. I was never valued by anyone; shocking. But I wasnt… I learned a specific issue; there are some who I will not associate regardless; they are dangerous; those from rich backgrounds who are privileged; These I stay away from. I never thought they better then me or smarter then me. But I was not of their economic level and thus I was out before I started. I didn’t know when young; I found out the hard-way. Sickening.
FORMING TRUE PARTNERSHIPS
June 12
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 53
Can these words apply to me, am I still unable to form a true partnership with another human being? What a terrible handicap that would be for me to carry into my sober life! In my sobriety I will meditate and pray to discover how I may be a trusted friend and companion.
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This upper Reflection is a perfect example of what Im heading toward with the universe helping me; God helping me; Holy spirit and Jesus helping me; Im protected by Gods Angels; army of Angels.. \
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Im not comfortable in my own skin
Im into the idea of comfortable talking to other people; but could not…
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Lacking the skills to be intimate
such low self esteem
So insecure in my own life
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If I could be more comfortable with people who would not rejct me
Couldnt allow for someone to abandon me or reject me
SO I don’t want someone to leave..
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I wanted to be with someone physically intimate/Body; but I Dissociated when I got close and I couldn’t be present anymore; So its very hard all of this.
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The goal is to work with the universe; prayer and meditation/ new narrative stories about having and being in relationships. Stories as if God answered the question and the prayer; and Im in successful relationships.
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PARENTS:
One area of complete trouble was the lack of having anyone in my corner; no one there. No Parents… No where to turn.
I had to turn back to people I really didn’t want anything to do with; I had no other choice; no one else their…
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FIRST LOVE:
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1. The base level truth about FIRST LOVE IS: No First Love; This was simply a classic using of someone “ME”!. I was mentally ill and desperate. I found myself at this popular persons house. I had no idea I was going to used by someone; This is the classic; cheerleader sets up weakling thinking he has a real friend; And then pulls the rug out on him and nails him; while her and her real boyfriend are laughing all the way to the bank. She will lead this on as long as she can get away with it; then pull the rug out on the whole thing and be gone… It was all done for laughs on her part; this was a stranger; this was not a friend; this was not any body accept I guess I would call a psychopathic bully. I was bullied by this cheerleader; I was set up for ever showing up around her in her presence. The sick part and sad part truly is; I did not know. I honestly thought I had made a friend. I did not know. And I wont know for the length of any interactions with this person; I never knew I was getting used. More importantly; I will never know I was getting used at this level; at that low level as a fool for ever showing up at her house… she was putting me in my place. She had no interest in me at any level. Its truly sad for me… sickening is what it is; However; God has made it clear; I need to grateful I ever got out of there in one piece… And Im still dealing with it; I will be dealing with it until a level of full acceptance and my roll in allowing something like this to happen; until I look more into it…
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So; working with God; The bases level while working 4th steps on this is. This person is forgettable and should be; Their was no friendship here. I was simply used by popular people; they wanted to put me in my place ever thinking I could or would join their groups… I was finally kicked out…
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I thought I was one of them; One of the popular people. When I snuck into their group I thought I had made it and I thought I was accepted. In reality I was never accepted; I never fooled anyone; they saw me the whole time; I just thought I snuck in. I thought I had snuck around the back and came in through the under ground tunnel. Well; They had cameras in the under ground tunnel; I never fooled nobody from the start. I was already found out before I ever started; but; no one told me. And they allowed me to stay… day after day after day; adding up days. Until one day when they realized I was comfortable; They through me out. I thrown out into the cold immediately; I fooled no one accept myself. They were not my friends… I never did make it into their circles. I fooled no one…
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Ive said this before; Im not part of the ivy league; Im from the Blowing league; Thats just the way it is. The people Im talking about who kicked me out of their groups were from the Ivy league.. IT was foolish of me to ever think their was a free entrance into their world; I thought I would be safe their; How wrong I was. And ive gone through this several times; ending up at the houses of Ivy league’rs who I thought had accepted my friendship and liked me; While; in reality; they never accepted me; they were using me. The fact is; They don’t open the door to seekers from the outside wanting to join them. They simply go to the Country club or Yacht Club to meet their friends. Why would they need to do anything else; they don’t. I made a huge big mistake. However; God will continue to free me as I work on this through 4th step.
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NOTE; God does want me to work a thorough job on this; keep at it every day until s those names that used me have no more power or interest. Ive got one more name Ive worked on. Im about 70% their. But the last 30% is very heart breaking and ruff. Its like sunburn. When a sunburn has been going down for several days; theres that part of the burn thats next to the untouched skin; And it is their where its tender; its their that it hurts the most…
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I was foolish. I thought I was needed by the popular and well to do. I thought they needed my help to become human again. How stupid can stupid ever be in this life. I got pulled in; roped in deeper and deeper and then literally eaten alive with no escape. After being thrown out of the circle. I some how crawled half dead back to the trail and after stumbling down the trail for miles I must have passed out. Because I found myself in a new city and a new life some where else when I woke… And some of this is philosophic. I wish more of it; but Im afraid not… real is real… Im trying to get used to this. I thought people loved me; and I remember being at their houses and thinking I was safe and loved; I was never safe; I was never around friends and I was never loved; I was around people that hated me; were using me who hated me and said nothing… They kept it secret and played me for a very long time.
It was God that rescued me from this… And still is…
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First love is now appearing to be a stranger among other strangers. I got triggered when around these groups of people. I was at this age; and suddenly I felt feelings of love; It was triggered; it did not belong to anyone. It was just a triggering; Later I would assign that trigger experience to labeling a young women with this. I didn’t know her; but within a week of associating with her I labeled her with this triggering experience; I told myself “ It must have come from her; she triggered it”; meaning; I told myself it must have been something about her; I must be in love with her; However; in reality; it wasnt her. Something else triggered it. I felt it; and she was one who was around so I assigned it to her. And this was incorrect. This was not about this young women. She was a stranger; this was not about her; I was triggered… I didn’t know her. I was not in love with her. However; I was feeling love; unfortunately I will assign it to the wrong people. I will have made a great mistake.
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However; out of desperation I turned backward onto to her.. Suddenly I wanted her as best friend; as comrade; as sister; as family; As Mother As Father; And as Girlfriend to lead to future wife. Technically I didn’t even know her; And this poor girl did not know me; so she was not only not interested in me or attracted to me; actually; within a few days to a few weeks; it was over… She was overwhelmed and not interested. I was devastated and dropped out of society.
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The reality of this situation; This “ Love Triggering”.
In a normal setting where I would have parents. I would have gone home and talked to my mother about it; getting hours of love and acceptance and guidance. It would not take long before I would receive love and caring from my mother and father and I would not have to have ever gone up to that girls house for any reason. I would have gone home and kept it to myself and my family of origin; My Love triggering.
I was triggered; I needed my parents. This triggering was not about anyone else. My parents would have given me enough love over n over; That I would not have to go anywhere to receive it anywhere else. As I grew and developed under my mothers and fathers care; The idea is that I would venture off into my life at a later date; God would bring the right people into my life when I as ready; And thus when love feelings would come out; it would be with someone decent and genuine and someone God sent.
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So; technically; Without parents; I had to get my attention and human interaction somewhere else.. Unfortunately not around very safe people.
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IN THE PRESENT; Here I am authentically starting over…
The Universe God; has made it clear; I had to GET OVER; Any relationship; real or imagined that had disillusion-ally taken over my mind. A specific past half real half imagined relationship potential came to mind. Something from my very young youth. Well; Ive done that; Iv worked on those relationships for a few years and with Gods help and instruction; instructions from the Universe; Ive gotten over her enough.. Ive worked on it enough; I am seeing results. Its not perfect but its well past good enough. IT is finished; its just heartbreaking… Anyway; Ill slowly keep working on it; with time as I keep working on it; In my imagination; slowly moving away from this person from my past… Ill keep working on it.
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So; Ive accomplished the requirements of the universe. So now! I start over…….
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THE BEGINNING OF RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT SEARCH AND EXPLORATION AND BUILDING of Relationship Concepts.... Development under God.
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Under Gods care; I will learn on my own how to have relationships. This will include many different developmental excersizes and teichinqueds Ill learn and practice. The point is. I wont be taking anyone from the past with me who is 2 faced deceitful; who is actually trying to trip me up.
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The 4th step of the past must be thorough concerning certain specific personalities.. And Im working on it. The 4th step after time brings about sanity.
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Ive been at meeting with women within them; 12 step meetings and told them everything; So; theirs nothing I haven't told people; general public at meetings; I don’t go into details but they get the point; my insecurities and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and why; people at these meetings have been told. Not easy . Im basically fat n old and Im talking about relationships working through my childhood and adolescence stage and some grade school years… its a full inventory.
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I asked the question?; where do I start; at what age; to allow God and self the starting point of learning independently how to have relationships.
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So; relationships; it might be awhile. I have to get back to normal in this area… This may take time; Im working on it tho…
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Ive had a big head and not been myself. Not sure why; guess Im scared that being myself is not good enough; But still; if I was myself Id be allot happier and heading down a solid right path. And then it wouldn't matter. Im getting closer; Ill keep working with God on these things amen.
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SO; maybe Im starting to come to my senses a bit; its just kind of starting… This time God is in control/not me Not there yet…
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WORKING ON THE BUILDING PROCESSES THAT WILL CREATE NEW ME>
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So; Im working under God; Ill being using the laws of attraction and prayer and meditation. Ill be using online laws of attraction success based thinking… coaches associated with it. Concepts based loosely on the book; THINK AND GROW RICH; Napoleon Hill. Ill be looking at and working with information closely assigned to Think And Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. And so on.
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Ill be writing allot of new stories and narratives about how I want my new life to be; what experiences and with whom; Ill write as if its already happened and Im reporting on it as if its happen a week go; or something like that… I do this to fill my mind into thinking Ive already gotten what I wanted and thus the universe will step in and help… So; lots of goals here.
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Generally Ill be starting out again from the beginning… learning new techniques tjat when practiced Ill start to gain confidence in myself becoming more self assured.
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