June 2025
May 2025
None of this is easy... At best it is confusing...
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THE PHASE SERIOUS:
The whole point of the phase serious is to;
1. Create a piece of my own music and perform it live; THis will be the first time ever...
2. Girlfriend...
THe next stop for GIRLFRIEND is to understand what is holding me back what has held me back? I have some ideas of what has held me back and what is holding me back; Shame and humiliation associated with my mother and father; also being given away; the feeling of being erased and no one cares; the idea of being a 2nd class citizen... a throw away from all institutions when young; neighborhoods fake friends school systems... work systems and so on...
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So; Im like an 10-11 year old who wants to play baseball for the first time in the little leagues... However; their is a problem; I realize; Im not as good as other players; I dont know anything and Im going to look stupid in front of everyone because Im not good enough. I do not have a father around to work with to talk to about the realities of this... How to get answers and work things out. I do not have a nurturing mother to take my feelings to to be protected and loved and to talk about the emotions involved. I am in a kind of survival mode and closed off from everything( when I was young)... No way can I handle the pressures of no one to work through my emotions and no one to answer questions about answers for the real world; Nothing; And all of this put on the back of a 10-11 year old. No way out; No one can get in. Im in survival mode at the time and completely disabled and drained of all energy... I have no idea what is going on; Ive been thrown way for several years by that point. I have no connection and Im being sexually abused by this time with no safe place to live and no one cares what happens to me ever again...
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So; I feel less then and not developed; I feel innocent and thrown out in the middle of where I can be ridiculed to death; chances are I wont do it; participate in anything; How can I; I'm in survival mode.
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IN THE PRESENT: That 11 year old is me right now. So; WHat I would need to play Adult baseball( this is a metaphorical statement); I would need a father and other men to talk to slowly get to a point of feeling safe and getting built up to a place that I can smoothly walk out into the field knowing I have other support and Ive already been taken care of...
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In the real world right now; Ive got that kind of support for the 11 year old in me. Im not trying to play baseball anymore; However; dealing with life; Ive got support these days in many forms... So; that part of life one wants to play (Life baseball) or what ever; is covered well enough.
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Emotional support for my adult problems; This is where Im learning. I have some support; However; I have to do the work to get up to speed in where and when and who... As for dating people. And that means maturity... Im missing years of maturity; Im down by several years. Ill have work to get up to speed in the real world. Manifesting down GOd Pathway.
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Problems; In an age where men and women are enemies and at war with each other; Ive found a strange situation; I can sweep a women off her feet but I mean nothing to her; she will still be interested in dating me because of triggering her biology but have a kind of contempt for me. She will like what I can do for her or how I can make her feel; but she may be one of those tinder robots that only wants a guy 6'7 and if she cant get that; no one is of any importance; ( So; Ill be going out with someone who sees me as no importance but will stay with me because I can sweep her off her feet). I mean this literally and figuratively. It means men are marginalized to the point that their insides dont have any value to these women. my physical size can be traded as more important then my personality and soul. ANd this is something Im worried about. For I experienced this by dealing with a group of popular people called cheerleaders long before the internet existed for use for the masses... or anyone thought of or heard of such a thing... Yet; those cheerleaders are predecessors of women today. It seems everyone demands today that she is a cheerleader and should be held in owner of that position with all its accolades good-looks accessibilities sociopathic immoralities; material wealth and privileges. THese types do not ever have friends ever; only fake popular friends; not ever real ones because being human does not exist for them. And Im afraid that is a state of many women these days Ive met. Good for the sociolect movement; useless for men.
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Its possible to date someone who cares nothing about me; and has no interest in having interest in me; and no interest in who I am as a person.. And with no ethical development; and thus; sees no reason to tell me or show me I mean nothing to her. Using me is fine and discarding me without my notice is fine. These are some of the realities of the day... Im not looking forward to this... This is why I stopped Loving anyone..
I found that women dont love anything. THey may love children and thats all. No one loved me and no one was interested in me and no one was interested in my friendship; My friendship was a joke to women. THey had no use for personal oddities; it would have been much better to have been born 6'5 as a football player mentality and groomed by a family system into a working life style where I would have a decent income... Nothing else matters to many women I assume? They say these football player types with groomed jobs are their best friends; THEY LIE!
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The problem is; I can use charm; I can use many man tools at my disposal to make a women FEEL GOOD around me...And sweep her off her feet! but not only is her heart not with me; neither is her mind! ( THey dont seem to believe in Souls anymore or God so thats not even a topic here). And at some point; I am defeated. This is what happened when younger. I realized I wasnt loved. However; I also realized I was never liked and This person wasnt a friend of mine because it wasn't necessary for any reason to be friends with me ; it was fine to play me and lie to me the whole time; THey just played along! As if they were dealing with a lamppost of no importance.
When I stopped feeding the lioness; She turned back into a lioness and attacked and had no connection to me... That is because the only connection she had in the first place was the food I was feeding her. I had not only not been of any interest; To her; I was an object no better then a lamppost. she is feed by the lamppost; and when the lampost stops feeding her she walks away and has no future memory of any importance of this lamppost... tHus lamppost was of no importance. I the lamppost will not be remembered.
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Im afraid; that is the nature of things these days... on a large scale. unfortunately men are not valued today.. They are marginalized; That means their inner self has no value to anyone accept maybe GOd!
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My problem is this; I have a thousand reasons to leave women kind and not get involved in the first place. Because of the nature of the times; I need at least one GOOD reason to get involved with women where Im not having the fear of natural female attributes weaponized against me; where I have to walk on eggshells all day long around her...
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MGTOW And other movements continue to get stronger for men; More female socialist based political movements get stronger for women... Its almost like complete separation will occur and finally A.I. Will step in as the new relationship choice in the not to long future. Men with plastic dolls that smile. Women with plastic dolls that smile. IVe read where they can take a mans DNA; bi pass the women; and have it turned into a baby; Whole generations only knowing plastic as the other half. Children never meeting a real women; Children never meeting a real man... Human children and cyborg parents.
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I read somewhere; In many countries or some countries; if a man and women are living together for 2 and more years in the same household; she can sue for divorce even tho not married; she can take half his life savings.
Now; Ive heard of a new possible standard; anyone dating more then 6 months... regardless of living together... Ive read were this will be the new law change at some point. This means; men and women are through... Men will go their own way until A.I. bots appear for both sexes...
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This mentality is what Im looking at.
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A women's mentality of; " WHat can you do for me" based against my mentality; do you want to be friends." SHe wants a Partner of all equal stuff; I want a women as a friend under God! and let that triangle develop a stronger hold between us...
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IT seems in todays world; The women Ive met dont even know what planet Ive come from; concerning my values and the way I think.
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I was listening to a women talk the other day; I really cant get to close to her; she is to self righteous and volatile; She claimed she was her last mans mistress on his wife and she had his baby; He was a thug ofcourse... ANd she seemed Not proud or unproud of this fact; but almost verbally normalized; like it was normal; normal everyday language and behavior. Its like Im living in a land where everything has turned into thugs and criminals immorality; the kind that destroys people societies and families and no one knows anything is wrong...
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ANd this is the mentality I'm going out into to work with God to have an authentic girlfriend...
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Remember class; used to attract women when young; I still can attract women even tho Ive got one foot in the grave; Im old man. A few women I can sweep off their feet who have absolutely no value for me.
Women will stay with me if I choose to charm them every 15 minutes for the rest of their lives. I mean nothing to them and never will.. They will put up with me mainly because of the fierce authentic attention and loyalty I give them. I trigger their biology... But non of them will ever actually like me. Non of them will ever be under GOd and their will be no triangle between Me them and GOd all working together.. There will be no friendship base; just inner darkness.
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The problem is; Im not interested in any of those type of women; ANd I find myself truly at an unspeakable loss...
However; Ive got GOd on myside. And the Universe can search the world over and find me a nice girl...
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GIRLFRIEND:
Im learning that I had an identity problem; when around women I would try to build myself up wanting to talk as if I had all things together on the outside. The problem is; thats not the identity I want to express around women. the identity I needed to learn to express around women was and is the emotional facets identity... Who am I; Im a person who was thrown away when a child. I had no relationship with my mother or father and I have many problems because of it I want to discuss how it messed up my ability to have a relationship. Intimacy problems from being thrown away; flunking out in everything; mental problems and being sexual abused and how that affects my ability in relationships. Its like telling a women 5-6 things about my emotional based past concerning relationships and how my development gets in the way of relationships and functioning. I cant function and this is what I want to do about it.. And talk about trauma and how affects my ability to be in relationships; and these things I discuss with women... I mean; this is my identity with women... All of these emotional segments of my life... THese are the things Ive been ashamed of; to bring up to explain that this is who I am... And all of this has caused great fear in intimacy and Ill talk about that with women and how they feel about all this and if they can relate and so forth...
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I need to make a list of 6-8 things that are blocking or causing great fear for relationships and intimacy and talk to her about it. Because that is my identity with her; those things Im interested in concerning her and being around her and this is the bases of my relationship with her; all of these emotional things and how to proceed at this point if I want to be around her and have a relationship with her; get to know her.
For the record; certainly Im not telling someone all of these things to start with like some blanked minded predator... The point of my writing is; Im starting to write about answers on how to talk to someone and work with them on who I am and what I want... want from them... This is the kind of stuff I want to talk about...
Ive been scared to be myself and show my real self; and my real self is all this brokenness in front of someone... So; this is what Ill work on with women... ill pray about it.
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Ive already been working on this stuff with women; but when ready; this is the kind of stuff I want them to know about me; I want them to know about the broken me; and where it came from and who I am and how I want to live... I want to discuss things with her... thats how Im going to start things.
its going to be based on discussion; that is the most important aspect of my interest in relationships with her; her and i ability to communicate with each other about emotional issues.
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So; I am getting answers... Ill have to do a lot of practice concerning this concept; nothing that is going to be done in a week or month. I have to gain a new type of maturity for being up close and around women again. A new kind of honesty! Honesty is of the day; thats whats been missing; Ive been completely blank around women; Its not just dishonesty; its NO honesty because I was keeping everything inside. And I couldnt let it out.
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MATURITY:
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A large gap resides between where Im at emotionally and where I would need to be to have a wife.. Those adolescent years have to be lived. I have to take them seriously and work with God on them...
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So; Ive got kind of a 2 fold area of development; Adolescent years and the work to ready myself to get up to speed for meeting people in the present that God and I are creating to be sent down Gods Pathway; manifesting people for the purpose of relationship...
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This means working with GOd on defining what Im looking for....
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SO: INTO THE PRESENT: As I get better; Im looking again or calling upon God again; down God's Pathway a girlfriend manifests...
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Lets talk about a Girlfriend...
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So; between the rupturing of being displaced thrown away; literally bullied out of the school systems and flunking out all my life; I never trusted anything in those systems; being exposed to predators and put into shock; being conned and manipulated by people I thought were friends; when in reality I meant nothing to them I was just being use; Sexual abuse and basically being stuck at the sexual abusers house for several years... no place to run or hide no parents and no one on my side; Later being thrown away again; no one cares; subjected to all kinds of manipulations and being taken advantage of in the worst kind of emotional situations and discarded; bullied in schools and again thrown away...
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My time of becoming intimate and sexual destroyed over n over n over; ruptured violated... no place to run no place for protection...
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HEre I am suppose to have relationships with people while with complete dissociative disorder; altho Ive gotten much better; because Ive put out half a century of daily work to get better...
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So; Im suppose to become intimate.. and physically intimate... Im scared to death of everything; of being rejection; having my personality re ruptured; being called names in bed as if im no good or I dont match up to ther guys for numerous reasons including being (To Small ); IF you know what I mean... ANd every other fear I can come up with of being humiliated...
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As I write this I guess; If I can come to grips with whats happened to me and explain it to the person Im with and we can come to an agreement about it; Well; Then; maybe; I mean...
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Its hard to open up to someone... that moment; especially about personal stuff..THey could hurt me. But at least I can see an answer... kind a...
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New informations;
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Ive been working on new stories to meet new people; nice people.
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First let me say Ive been going to my meetings and many of the women more n more dont want anything to do with me; many of them walk out on a meetings when it comes time for me to talk... More n more; 4 at a time...
It doesnt really bother me to much; My mind is on other things; More important people and problems... I dont really care one way or the other... I do feel it a little bit but Im kind of beyond it above it; past it. Im already kind of heading out into the real world again a bit...
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SO; Im at a fast food place. I see this women helping me... She got some of my food together. I would have asked her how her day went but I just didnt. but I wanted to...
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I noticed she was well way over weight... I guess I say this because this would have a humbling effect upon her... She would be a regular nice person... And I came over to the counter and talked with her about my food stuff and how to pack it for my bike and suddenly she looks at me and says; HOWS YOUR DAY; right out of the blue... This was a pure manifestation thing a universal thing.
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This came from the universe; This person represents a NICE PERSON... And might represent a NICE GIRL... And or represent NICE PEOPLE>
When she started the conversation with me. She broke the ice into a whole new inner realm of dialog; much closer or friendly By asking me at that moment how my day was going... Because that starts up conversations; and that's exactly what I was going to ask her because I was getting prodded by the universe... This is a frequency thing... This is like a hidden frequency thing.
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I don't think this person herself is someone Ill ever really see again; but the universe was trying to show me a few things; Send me a message; a hidden secret...
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First; Nice people are many cases lowly; Like me. They are forced or what ever to be regular unseen kind of people. Just regular people...
This woman was an example of it. She was a nice down to earth regular person; And her frequency matched mine and she asked me how my day was going. She broke the ice into conversation... It was interesting to watch. It was a pure sign from heaven that told me I had found MY NICE FAMILY OF NICE PEOPLE Ive been asking for.. I mean. if I had 10 people like her around me during the day as friends; Id have the best friends in the world; the nicest people in the world... it was all a God thing.
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I had a hard time at the meetings tonight. One girl stalks me all the time... shows up at different places Im at and stalks me... tries to bother me.. At some point Ill have to call the cops...
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Several people at meetings left when I started talking; mainly women; and a few other people I thought were on my side; were not! So; no support there! However; it doesnt matter because the meetings themselves are open and the support... God is the support... Not nice tho. THese people are not nice.
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However; I was on my bike and led to this fast food place where I met a really nice person... Just exactly the kind of person I would have liked to have met in high school... She was my level of people; Just a really nice person... regalar down to earth person... Thats what the universe was trying to show me... This is what I asked the universe for...
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The universe is showing me; Im not going to find my friends on ONLYFANS.... Instead my friends will be at lowly regular places; maybe nice overweight women who are a bit older who are NICE! I saw it...
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Im trying to make a few points...
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HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT>..
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By talking with this women at the counter at the fast food place; The universe showed me something extremely important. I may have; for the first time; Just found authentic nice people outside in the real world away from those meetings I go to... Thus; It means Im beginning to head out into the real world...
And that is one of the most important aspect of my recovery right now...
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This also indicates I think Im a nice person as authentic self and the places Im finding nice people are lowly and regular places; Not Kings Palaces...
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Another set of issues;
Limerence is showing up again. What Is Limerence? Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. "It is often a result of not being present either through trauma or certain childhood development issues," explains psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie.
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I fantasize about certain people as if I believe they might like me... However; the next time I see them; non of that appears to be true; Im way off.. almost a kind of delusional state... its enough to cause some questioning and concern of my thinking processes because they are so dissociative concerning these things. It bothers me but I do pray about it...
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What does this mean; it means in my imagination I create rich feelings about someone and simmer on them; When in reality; non of it is true. But in my imagination and feelings; I think it is true... But then I see them in reality and they do not turn out to be anything like I was imagining.... In fact; they are not connected to me in anyway nor do they want to be; and it looks like maybe they never wanted to be near me in the first place... I was completely wrong... THey are not my friends and dont want to be...
And I think that is a great statement; they are not my friends and dont want to be. But Im trying to make them out to be my friends...
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Ive been doing this all my life... Ive gotten into horrible trouble because these fake friends end up discarding me; never being my friends... I saw these people in my mind as close friends; In reality they are not... They dont even notice me.
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Ill end with this;
Meeting that women in the fast food restaurant was a perfect example of working with the universe... Finding nice people are at lowly places is such a Biblical conclusion. Its like this low low decent friendly nice place; a place nobody ever looks or wonders about... Nice people are unseen.. And so a whole world of nice people live at that very innocent basic very low to the ground unseen place. And that's their frequency level. Its a high frequency friendly decent level; but its hooked to a worldly level of kindness and lowliness in a positive way. Humble way! ALmost unseen... How could it have ever been any other way...
I cant imagine any important people ever allowing themselves at this level.
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I was looking for nice people all my life. I was looking for nice people in my past. And when I invited someone into my life; first I took an assessment of them and thought they were nice people; unfortunately; I was completely mistaken; they were something I had no idea of and didn't have names for. Later I will learn the names that are best appropriate for those types of humanoids.
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I would meet someone and think they were kind and lowly and think; He or she is one of us; Nice Person... Ill go talk to them; only to find out I was wrong; it happens.
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I had to learn some lessons; We dont find Jesus's Drinking cup in rich houses... its not make of gold; but wood and it was in some humble place; not the emperors palace.
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