June 2025
May 2025
Im actually rereading this to see if it makes any sense;
After this Paradigm shift; Ive been at a kind of uselessness concerning the blaming of others from the past.
Its not that Im not looking at the Molesters and what they did. But I kind of all ready know; and Im kind of free of them kind of; sort a. Yes; but numb. Its all God.
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So; what do I have to talk about; well; imagine one was put in a cage underwater; kept from developing. suddenly working with GOd; they are set free; but still underwater in the murky water and many things have changed; The whole world has changed.
Its been very hard writing blogs lately. Everything has changed. A real Paradigm Shift; Im writing on the opposite side of the spectrum; the universal spectrum. Its like Ive walked through a Paradigm shift and Im suddenly on the other side. Im with GOd; Im starting again. I all ready know what happened to me. However, Ill be cleaning out that closet from the past; slowly going through all things that caused humiliation and loss. Most of it is where Im in situations where Im not safe. Im not private or protected; Ill take this to God and work on it. Im on the other side of things. As I go through this; Ill just write about it and write some blogs.
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Ill say this; Its like im outside my house on the sidewalk; when a child; I remember; Im back there; back at that age; thats where God is starting me from. Its like; I can see myself and Im starting from that position; I still have to get stronger and freer; freer from the past. But it seems I am; I mean; its like Im swimming around like a 7 year old in the water in murky water. mud water; kind of; like pond...
Something else is happening; its like Im losing my past. Im at that young age by my house and Im seeing darkness and like swimming in a pond but Im still there; its the same day; Im not dissociating from that day; from that moment. I mean; at the bigger picture; Im learning how to focus on that time period and keep that time period and who I was and who I really am. I can see many bad time periods showing up; trying to take over; but Im trying not to listen to them. And they are not quit able to take over; its more like; SOme of those time periods are taking over so they are still part of my identity; and its a waisted Identity so; Im working with God to keep at this; alignment until Im present.
Im becoming this child again with all his dreams. Im becoming that identity and only that identity from that time period. it feels like Im that age; I experience that day with its ups n downs but dont leave that day nor my goals and dreams of that time period; if this continues; it means I develop that person on that day and go from there with my original goals and ideas. It means nothing is stopping me or is in my way for that day. Its up to me; HOwever, that does not mean I have any clue on direction I am suppose to take or how its done in my present situation or condition. alignment with God.
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Those dreams have not started yet; but they kind of have. Ive been working for years on slowly getting past the blocks that trauma has kept me from starting. SO; little by little theyve been adding up.
What does that mean; It means Im living that day and time period if I choose; and there is no history from that place. And the more work I do on myself; The less history is involved. Im just this kid at that place at that side walk that has not gone anywhere. No future yet. its all new; its up to me. Its as if I can process that time period for that day; not any days beyond it. its like Ive lost nothing because the real me never experienced anything beyond it yet; not the REAL me. THe kidnapped me did.
the original me would have started some kind of learning programs for my future; got involved in mathematics and other things in school; had someone looking out for him all the time. I did not have anything originally. I knew something was wrong; I had no idea that my whole life was being destroyed; it was; I was 2 young to know anything; it was being done on purpose.
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SO; working with God; God will supply the next movements forward and I will grow and this time; without the bad people that were acting like friends. and I have to remember; those people were not my friends; but they also never came to me or valued me in the first place. Ill have to take that to God.
; Thats different. and also; all the waisted time; I could do nothing because I wasnt myself. Now; as I get to know myself and become myself again; it feels like I havent done anything yet in life; concerning my goals; . That is a fantastic miracle. That is fantastic thing; it means I get to do this over.
My biggest concern is bullying; safety. Feeling safe; I dont want to go through what I did the last time. I had no help. I did not know who to reach out to.
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Things have broken up; theyve broken lose.
So did part of my back.... from the caughing This last few weeks.
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Now; the goal is to work with God remembering who I am; aligning with God; and slowly aligning with who I was expecting to be when I grew up and all the adventures and goals I had and wanted.
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One lesson; I met the wrong " Nice Kids" When young. I met them on my own and made a mistake. I made a mistake ever spending time with them; They were never safe; They were like black widow spiders who purposely changed there skin color to something that appeared innocent; so they would hide what they were. I had no idea that kind of deception was getting into. I was never safe and I never knew it; They were looking or justs waiting for a time to pounce on me out of contempt and hatred feeling they were superior to me and others; Pure evil. I never knew. I understand they were spoiled kids with mothers and fathers teaching them they were superior; of course they were not; but I had no idea of such things or that anyone would want to apply such evil to someone like me. I never thought of it; that is because I was 2 young.
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So; many things working on; Taking all things to GOd. Protection is the key for me. I was never protected or safe and thus never functioned when young.
Aligning with the universe completely all the time; aligning with source energy vortex of the universe; God.
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alignment.
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Molesters; that's who've been causing all the problems from the beginning.
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I still run in them at times; these types; have to watch out; they are just waiting for the right moment to attack. I can even see it coming at times.
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The universe is helping me remember who I am; Where I'm from; what happened to me; My original self and plans.
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One area cut off was school; no development. I can feel it right now as I talk about other things I did when young. My schooling was not looked after; no one was looking after me.
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Ill open it up with the universe.
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I wanted to be a musician when young; I had no place of my own. I had no answers for that because my condition; mental condition; arrested development.
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The molesters kidnapped me when young; and I had that personality; and that personality did not work or function.
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Now; God is allowing me to remember who I really am and thus; I have that new ness to work with; its not developed. Ill have to work with God on developing " ME" all over again; I never got developed; the original me.
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Im just starting on it. Im just becoming aware of it.
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After being abducted by my mother; I was destroyed and could not protect myself anymore nor had any anchor points to rely on in life. I was useless; could not function; trauma. could not do anything.
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As musician; I think God will straiten the truth out about this. I had maybe a beginning structure of safety for music creation; but I had nothing else; and I was not hooked in to anything or anyone at school system. I knew no one else; private teachers; nothing; no one was on my side; I was completely isolated. And now with Gods help; I have to do something about that. I can do something about it.
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No after the age of 8. Did not expect this; saw problems starting at the age of 7. Noticed no one helping me at the age of 6.
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As musician; impossible. I mean; Ill take it to God. What I didn't understand. I had no outside life help and I was being destroyed and thrown away and completely neglected; I had no real home or connection anywhere but didn't know it. I was just being used by these molesters; But I never realized what was going on. I had all these big plans; I never saw what was actually occurring. This from the beginning of my life. I was 2 young; had no idea how to create new relationships that would help me; I was 2 young and no one on my side. Now its different. Much different.
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I will not be able to be independent. Not from what I came from. SO; no chance; nothing. Not going to happen. could not happen. From ages 9 to 20; completely destroyed. no independence.
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From ages 9-20 no independence; Ill have to take a look at that because of the humiliation; bullied at school; at places of work; even in colleges; even in 12 step groups; I mean. haven't been able to defend myself. Ill take that to God and work with God on this.
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I'm now going back into my childhood and how I acted moment by moment and my dreams and goals. And get them alive again; God can do this; its already happening; the process has already began; its Gods process so I'm just following orders.
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Molesters/kidnappers; that's what I call all the bad people. I still attract them; all the time; they still try and entrap me and take advantage of me; but I find myself in realms they are normal and accustom.
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I have to just keep writing and writing and writing about it.
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So; is any of this making any sense.
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Im doing something allot of people cant do; let alone mentally ill people with any trauma background.
Its as if Im secretly taken back before the adult or teen or pre teen trauma; Im taken back to a place long before that where Im basically free and free to make my own decisions about my future. I get to remember who I am and start over.
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The problem is; safety; Ive mentioned this before. Bullying. How and where do I go in the helping process to practice and become who I want to become. Ill work with God on this.
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SO; there it is.
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Im in back pain right now; so: I really ripped things up. So; Who knows; this may be a new direction in my life; My posture does not exist; It was worse before; now its sub level.
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I could be on a diet. I should; I complained because Im basically an old man and so; I mean; how much food can they take from me. What food do I eat. WHo knows; a new way of life is upon me.
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SO here it is.
1. alignment with the universe; source energy for full coverage and safety and this means a frequency blend between my inner being and God.
2. It means Im kind of back at the child level living at my house again. In my imagination; I mean it seems like it. and its sticking. As if Ive not gone beyond that.
3. Bullying if moving forward; feeling safe; working with the universe.
4. Remembering that the fake friends I had meant nothing; thats all they were; I was less then a joke to them; so much so that I had better never meet anyone like that ever again. And I should have never met anyone like that; spending time with someone like that; I was being fooled completely conned. I didnt know. So breaking out to meet new people for social replacement is not recommended as a life solution to the kind of monstrous problems I came from. I was just taken advantage of.
5. Actually doing the next right thing to enhance my development and my life experiences and goals. I mentioned mathematics. We will see what God does with this; Id have to get up to speed. Id have to really change into a newer person; Ya know; thats non of my business; Yet; Im trying to say something here. Changing into that original person; lots of things I never became; in fact; almost nothing was developed; so! Ill work with God on this.
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