July 2025
June 2025
Forging Limbo Land;
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Paradigm shift.
I had another paradigm shift; a smaller one; a big movement within my nervous system and imagination. THe universe moved and was shifting...
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Ive been so anti for so long!
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Im in Limbo Land until signs show Ive moved on; and those signs are showing. Its as if things are smoothing out and Ive transgressed to a more serene condition. Im more present and integrated with the past.
The goal with the past is to become myself completely thus, remembering where I came from and what I did and moving on from that point, as if it just happened; as if the past just happened and its the next day and Im moving onward doing similar things to grow.
What is the difference between the past and present concerning my childhood and recovery and re discovery of my childhood; Im not in the same house; I can walk down my old neighborhood; but I do not live in a house in that neighborhood anymore. At times I can walk around and enjoy the memories and feel the safety of that time period; more importantly; when Im working on my childhood issues; I can simply; when ready; face things and walk down into that neighborhood or bike through there slowly and just allow myself to feel everything and remember... So; Im very lucky in that respect. I can revisit my childhood surroundings.
As for the house; Will the universe bring me a house in my old neighborhood; I dont know; Im not sure it would help would it; I guess; I dont know. Would I love to live on my old street; Sure; Id love everything about it; I would feel at home; I had a love affair with my neighborhood when I was young; it was perfect for me and to me; all my memories and hopes and dreams were in my neighborhood; What I didnt understand; all my hopes and dreams were in me; and I had to keep them to myself or find others at equal level; not people with much more money who lived nearby; Those people were never on myside; they thought they were better then me. What does that mean; it means I can walk by there houses but dont ever know the people living in them; they are never ones friend. I learned this the hard way; and GOd can sort that out.
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Gods got to sort things out. Im attempting to become my original self; that means my childhood; all of it. Because thats who I am.
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So; Ill keep working with God until GOd can come up with plans concerning my losses.
The House; What about the House when growing up; my childhood home; How can I work through it until Ive graduated from that home within my mind;
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Can or will the universe solve that; Yes; if need be. I'm not sure how; possible that the universe will allow me to remember day to day activities within that house; My house as a child; so much so, that it seems like I've been living there all my life as if I never left; this means the universe creates new scenarios within my imagination and so do I; I create scenarios within my imagination. The idea is; the universe helps me remember day to day activities when a child so I can relive them; regain them and move on from those times; get to a point where I want to grow when child; and have the adult me step in and move forward with my growth; thats kind of whats happening now just a little bit; I'm heading toward things like this. For me to move on from my childhood; I have to get to an child age that is appropriate for moving on; 12 or 13; something; Ill need those experiences; new experiences of growth to move on; So; I'm waiting on the universe for such things; that's where the work is. Hello Universe; I need your help.
and moving on wont be a problem; The more memories I remember the more relaxed I am about my present; I can see where God is taking all of this. I think or guess; one never knows but I can tell. the issue is; I must become myself again and be able to walk my old neighborhood as if I'm independent and fine; no problems; I'm back; but with the history I have and the losses. be friended the wrong people; and that is a very hard thing on my personality. I've learned a hard lesson and will work with the universe concerning those memories of those people.
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Is any of this making any sense; The universe is re healing me from my childhood by allowing me to remember more n more of who I am from my childhood; and at some point Ill integrate more n more with the inner child of self; and at some point; ill become me again from that age level; and then; Ill naturally move on from that age level once I become healthy at that age level. The universe is healing me; that's what all of this is about.
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Plastic model kits
Music composition
Guitar
Lyric writing
Art
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I could not learn guitar; it was over my head; so many walls from the past; I could never feel safe in this country doing anything. However, with the help of the universe and my strong calling out to the universe; one of my goals was to conquer guitar; and it happened. I was able to become a serious beginning student if I wanted to be; I got that far. If I want to learn to play the guitar; all I have to do is pick it up and start because I've already accomplished a basic level of sustained proficiency; I'm a solid beginner working with a metronome. This is and was a great thing to conquer because the story suggests walking on water; just as Jesus Christ talks about in the Bible; That's exactly what happened here and in many other areas of my life; its a testament of Gods abilities when I call to him for help.
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Its nice to conquer things; its nice; its satisfying to have success in areas such as this; with things like a guitar I could never pick up and play because to many walls from past trauma.
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Lyric writing; This is a subject Ill be talking about for a while; I'm not sure how long and I pray I can get over it and move on with it without more trauma associated with it; However, trauma is associated with it and Ill have to move through the trauma and see what God will do for me. The goal is to end up as someone studying how to write lyrics without associated trauma. Meaning; lyrics become something I own not something I'm being used by. I feel like its a cat n mouse game. I feel like a victim.
So; this is hard; much like conquering guitar was hard...
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Art; This was something never ever coming back to me; to much abuse pain; associated with that time periods of my life where I was stripped of my life and thrown away. And with much work; unbelievably; I now own my art ability the way I did at 8 years old and I watch from the beginning the universe; how the processes occurred; How the universe brought art back to me; how the universe aligned it in front of me and made it mine; It does not trigger my nervous system; not at all; nothing; its as if Im 8 years old; incredible. I can go any direction with art I desire. This does not mean attempting to be successful at something and getting good at skills wont trigger me; it just means interacting with Art wont cause me any problem; interacting with the canvas with markers will not cause me any problem; I own it. Its the child within me; its his; so its mine; its no longer owned by or triggered by the outside world; it belongs to me. And I've mentioned this a 1000 times in my other blogs... ill keep talking about it...
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Music composition; Not sure; 50/50% ownership; has it become like art for me? No! Not yet! but its getting closer; What do I want? I would like the ability to make music without any thought of the outside world or influence; I just make music because at the moment I like it; much like a 6 year old banging on the Piano; I've heard kids create some really great music just sitting fooling around with piano keys; they attempt to emulate symphony sounds; and some do quit well.
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So; I would like music to turn into Art; Art music; I can feel it right now and see it; its still owned by the public; by the world a bit; I still want to be noticed and write music the I'm SUPPOSE TO; according to the popular standard; I'm working with God; getting to a point that I own my own music the same way I own my own art ability; its personal and I do what I feel and nothing more; I could care less about anything else or impressing anyone else; I just do what's personal and what I feel like doing. It becomes personal and sacred and to myself. I create what I feel like working on; its no one else's business.
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Music creation/lyrics and guitar. God has opened up a beginning small beginning pathway that would allow me to create. Ill create several sections of music and play guitar with them and put some words to it; What kind of words? I don't know; what ever feels right or what ever conveys the use of words; I still don't know what I'm using words for; for art speak or for communicating a story; I don't know yet. I am getting the idea that the universe is trying to answer a question I'm sending to it; How do I write lyrics; how do I get a hold on this aspect of things.
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I see God saying to me to add a few words and thats all; just add a few words to these new compositions that I will fool around with; just a word at the beginning of each movement or maybe 2 or one at the beginning and one at the end of each; So if I create three sections; thats 6 words.
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The idea is; Im feeling my way with the universe on word usage; Im only putting in words the way I want to; not the way that will sound good to the rest of the world because its not suppose to be about the rest of the world its suppose to be about me and what I want to do or feel like doing. What do I feel like doing with words; that's my business not anyone else's.
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Just because I write about lyrics and problems I have with lyric writing; doesn't mean its all going away today.
I do have problems with lyric writing; I feel so stupid like I cant get the concept down or something; I have no abstract intelligence to understand the correct understanding of how to place words correctly together in a sentence; Or; Im just lazy and immature; I have no staying power when dealing with words and I get frustrated and just want to quit right from the start.
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One main problem is dissociation; Im dissociated from getting to focused on something outside of me. I live more deeply in the abstract of my mind deep down below; way back where Im protected.
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Im mad Im not so smart with words; I don't want anyone to know; I feel so lo IQ'd. I feel dumb. Either way I still have to write words; thats the problem; its frustrating and boring.
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I like to spill words out of me because it releases my emotions; I dont like to stop and look at the syntax structure of my writing; that scares me; I feel like I'm going to get everything mixed up and backwards and dissociated and dyslectic. So; Im scared of my learning disabilities. I dont like them; I feel like I couldn't make it out of the first or third grade no matter how hard I tried. I just moved on to my imagination. Maybe I have a low IQ; maybe not; maybe! I think its more fear of ever opening up to a general world that destroys people. I kept my abilities to myself.
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I feel like I have dissociative brain damage.
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Anyway; I want to use words. I want to write lyrics. I guess; when I write that I want to write lyrics; I go into massive pain; triggered trauma pain; that means abusers who are taking advantage of me and controlling me from PTSD stand point. So; lots of work here. But my lyric writing is in a dissociated state from the past that is broken off from me. And Im working with GOd to bring it back to me. ANd in doing so; I feel mass rupturing from sexual abuse and other abuses. So; its a brutal fight dealing with this.
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One concept that did show up; Just use words in an abstract weird world way with no traditional meaning.
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I may have to start out with words the way pre cave men used words and just spit out random sounds until I find reasons to form them into syllables that make some kind of communicative sense; finding my own way with words. Starting out pre human; What was communication like while I was in the womb. What was it like to form words when 0-4 years old or 0-3 years old.
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I can tell my word usage was cut off at age 3 from trauma; I had to grow up to survive; Ill pray about this; see if God will allow me to continue to grow from that age. So; Im getting some ideas concerning words.
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Like I said; i dont feel very smart when it comes to words. The whole things brings up horrible PTSD... That's also a huge problem; something I want to face and address and learn to work through thus be able to use words in the present with no past associated with the concept of using words.
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music; kind of exited. I have to create my own verbal sounds and turn them into words and language because I'm to lazy to use my own language; countries language. Im lazy; and have to get started; and so; this is a sub par to get started but I have to get started; and Im lazy about everything. So; getting started is the issue; its an issue of being lazy.
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Women/dating/relationships
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Im starting to flow into it; flow into the concept of ( )relationships; in the present. Its just happening; and its happening as I was told it would happen by the universe. This is exactly what the universe predicted for me. Ive almost solved music/lyric writing; not yet; but close. Now; I have to start making beats and making lyrics and get used to just doing what I want to; not caring about how it looks or sounds to the outside world. That kind of thing. But its not like my art stuff; not yet; my art stuff is aligned; Its mine; Music and lyrics; (Ma..) not yet! But could be? Ill start working at it... I can do that; and start writing letters to represent sounds; Ill have to work at things for awhile.
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Dealing with women; dealing with relationships; What is it about women; First; I come to the end of myself and then meet someone and start asking them out.
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cant be a bum; there it is; I go from being a bum to a Dude to a Gent; and there it is; Ya just got to! I mean. Ya; ive seen plenty of thugs in n ouda jails picking up women all the time; but they are not necessarily the kind of bums Im talking about; those criminals still lead active lives; their just living criminal active lives.
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So; my bum days are numbered. A women cant do anything with a bum and never can a man do anything with himself when hes a bum accept sit in a gutter and dream;/ it just wont happen.
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Having a lady in my life; man; what does that mean; Well; immediately; I can feel the pressure of the gap between where Im at and where they are at. Ill have to come up to speed for myself and create my own happiness for myself. And thats what scares me to death; getting back into that position. But thats where Im headed,.
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Ive always had others taking care of me because my nervous system and mind were 2 ruptured for that.
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Being to lazy is not wanting a women; its being so lazy I dont care; its letting everything else get in the way as an excuse because I love sleep and slumber and folding of the hands more then living. And I have to become alive to have women in my life. I start praying for it. I will show up for my own Rodeo!
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Amazing that Ive gotten this far; just as the universe predicted.
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So; its spilling over; relationship stuff. However, its just like lyric writing; Ill have to start at some primordial pre sub level human experience awareness; I dont know what they will be that will pull me out of the mud hole; I dont know. Ill pray about it;
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Whats most important is; Its upon me! Its starting just as lyric writing had started. So; Ill start praying about it.
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