June 2025
May 2025
MY FIRST LOVE:
The history of my First Love; it Takes a massive move forward to undoing from my personality; just as I had asked the universe to work through my past concerning my first love. Its close to perfection; meaning; Im working through it. An important large deep segment of my memories of her have been addressed and worked out; It may be gone( It might be gone) and right now Im dealing with the aftermath. Its not a perfect situation; And its moving on toward another segment of my past with her.
When I was younger; I allowed this person free will; I watched what they did; they turned on me; walked all over me, spit in my face as if they were better then me and moved on to popularity and forgot all about me at that moment; as if I didnt exist. In a sense; thats who they were. I allowed that; I did not put her in her place; I stayed out of it. I watched to see what she would do with her freedom. She spat in my face and left. What does that mean; it means she was in love with popularity not with me. And thats a hard thing... She was never in love with me. I meant nothing to her. Once someone crosses the line on someone like this; they can never come back; they are burning bridges permanently. She knew what she was doing and excited to do so.
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Sometimes I have to let people go and just watch'm. See how they act. IF they start walking over me; let them; just watch... dont do anything; at some point they'll walk over completely and then turn and spit in my face... and leave cutting the bridge behind them and never returning... Thats because they were never with me ( there heart)in the first place. It wasnt worth it for them; they were opportunists... There thrill is in the opportunity to walk over the person not the thrill of the discovery of the quality of a person. Walking on someone is the power thrill they really seek; not the quality of the human being they are with.. Sometimes I have to stop and let my defenses down and just allow the other person to do anything at those moments and see how they act; if they start taking chances by walking over me because they think they can get away with it; let them; stay silent. Soon; if they keep it up; they will lose respect for me; and if it keeps up; they will finally right me off as a fool and leave. THey are not only walking over me and betraying me; they are also betraying the God I worship to stay alive. They are attacking that God when they attack someone who worships that God. So not only are they cutting the bridge off from me ( Because they feel Im weak); They are also cutting off the bridge of that GOd that protects me; the God of the universe that protect everyone. What does this say about this evil opportunist who has done these things to me.. THey will walk over me seeking evil; and they will walk far away and find it..
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One has to ask the question. Am I suppose to save that evil opportunist; put them in their place out of love and hold them to a course by reigns ( is God asking me to do this?). The idea of; If I loved them; I would keep them inline( does this always work). Kind of like a lion tamer and a lion. When the lion Tamer is always feeding the lion; it is docile and complies. When the lion tamer stops feeding the lion; what does the lion do; it goes back to its natural predatorial stance; it attacks the lion tamer for the purpose of eating the lion-tamer or killing the lion-tamer; The lion tamer never had control of the lion; The lions heart was never with the lion tamer; only its desire to survive. The lion is the enemy of the lion-tamer; always was... The lion is the enemy of the lion tamer whether the lion tamer has food to give the lion or not.
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Its a great idea never to fall in love with the Lion if one is a lion tamer; that is an act of loss of wisdom; The lion is never my friend or on my side; it is my enemy.. I must remember; its the food I bring to the table that attracts the lion to be docile and friendly; Not me! When the food is gone; the lion returns to its original stance as my enemy. As an enemy; it kills.... One must remember that; they are not safe... They are not my brother or sister and they are not on my side...
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MOVING ON;
So; Several spiritual experiences have occurred by way of the universe. An understanding of what happened with my First Love has occurred by way of the universe. I realized I loved nothing more then smoke n mirrors . I loved the vision; desired manifestation of an
aberrational concept in my head( In a sense; I was creating a robot; because early on I realized the initial few experiences with a real girl in the real world that represented my desires; I realized she was not what I wanted; Something deep down was making me sick to my stomach; She had no soul or conscious. She seemed sensitive; but for what; slaughtering people? I mean; I did not have a name to put on what I was seeing; but it scared me; it scared my sensitive soul; She was not a nice person; she could turn on someone at a moment and be on the spiritual and political and emotional other side of them within seconds; I could not define it; but it was not decent ; The real person; she was no love... The real person had to go; Something was wrong or missing.
She did not love me or care about me or think about me or value me nor was she my friend. She was to shallow for that... for anything. ITs a blunt slap in the face... I made a mistake... She did have the depth for deception and contempt and an entitlement hatred... In the end I meant nothing to her because she didnt have to have people in her life.. She was set... It mattered not how she treated me.. And at a subtle level; this will kill a person; its like slow poison seeping into me from her below; She was poisoning me; one might say from the first day I met her; but she always had a smile on her innocent face... And that may be the clearest way of describing this.
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I made a mistake; a large one; thus I was corrected.. Knowing her was a mistake; and she left me to myself for the remainder of my life. IF you asked her; she would say we were just friends and I meant nothing to her. Its as if I had never met her according to her. The last thing i thought she would ever pull would be the stuck up cheerleader routine; " He Meant Nothing to me; if his brother hadnt known my brother; I would have never known him; tell him Hi and to have a nice life"; Then the phone hangs up. As if im a inferior retard... And This same person is the a person I saw depth and a lack of love? What? I was smoothly fooled by someone with no conscious. They feel nothing and could care less what they do to other people. Its as simple as that.
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I thought I could love anyone and love them into a life. I was wrong; I cannot love evil. and I dont seem to understand this; In this case; evil was pretty and accessible and intoxicating and I fell for its charms... unfortunately Im sensitive to that kind of thing. But then those using that kind of witch craft are sensible to their purpose of luring me in and destroying me; They see me the way a spider sees its prey; The spider is slow and deliberate to attack. It is silent and suddenly strikes.
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It was like I was trying to date a spider; but I was overwhelmed and confused. After a time; the spider grew tired of me; bit me; sending poison through me; and left me for dead. But I was in love with the spider. And that is the problematic delusion. The spider was not in love with me... Spiders do not love a thing... I needed to wake up and realize I was in a dream world; I had been associating with a spider... pure evil; but because I fancied myself better or safer in the world I would look down on poor spider and help it. In reality; the spider saw me coming and thus set its house in order; placing all equipment to match what I would assume a normal living condition. When I entered the spiders life; I saw nothing out of the ordinary; and that was the spiders strategy; And it worked. I let my guard down and found myself in a state of confusion. Before I knew what had hit; I had already been bitten and poisoned and left to die. The spider was long gone. All house was empty and abandon. I had been used.
What can I learn.
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First; I go to God and pray all the time.. do not stop. And wait for answers to come from the universe. Meditate...
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Answers;
First answer; I was never invited; so what was I doing their. This is a very important question; where was I suppose to be? probably in the opposite direction. What ever I was doing; It wasnt inline with God...
Second answer; Why was I pursuing evil ; This is an exceptionally good question.
Why was I trying to save someone when they were not trying to save themselves.
Was I aware of the danger I was putting myself in.
Why did I think I would be saved by an evil person.
My behavior destroyed everything; did I think about looking into adjusting my behavior... In this case; I was just defending myself against evil... and that became an erratic dance. One that I spin in circles; finally falling; ever falling through the abyss...
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Problems;
1. Communication
2. Content of the communication
3. Timing of the communication
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Why did I not realize this person could turn on me at anytime. ( THey had been turning on me the whole time I knew them) Why did I think I was a lion tamer in control of a lioness. This is probably the biggest question and of course the biggest problem. This could be do to the simple innocent look on the girls face; a kind of helplessness; this motivated me to save or help or to adore, to care; to love. Did i mistake helplessness with lack of spirituality. Is it possible the girl simply did not have any spirituality, nothing; was a sociopath... no conscious. I swear I looked into her eyes and I saw the broken inner child within her reaching out for love; I was wrong!
I swear I saw her as innocent and sensitive; I was wrong!
I tried to project many things I needed to see in her; and I was wrong about them; I never actually saw anything in her... And I never communicated with her about any of this... thus; So based on my observations of this person; In reality; what did I actually know about her; I knew nothing. My observations were a waste of time. The first key to interacting with someone is to find out if they are safe! And its the one thing I took for granted.
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Did I appear to be evil myself and fool this lioness; I was an innocent boy looking to be loved by someone. I thought the other person wanted the same; could I have been mistaken that even if they did; I was never invited to their table for such things; they thought they were better than me. They may have been looking for love; but by much better stock then I. However, since I showed up out of know where; maybe she thought she would play a game... I have to remember; these types play games to find out if I am strong enough for them or weak and to go home; but when they are putting strength and weakness above right and wrong; Its time to slowly and cautiously walk out silently the way I came in...
This girl had all the information to decide if I was a worthy decent person to stay with. She was no different then I accept she simply didnt care...
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Did I not respect the fact that they thought they were better then me. Did I not learn my lesson that they were not my friend. They had never claimed to be my friend. And they never claimed to be inline with me as I secretly thought they were. They never claimed they wanted me as a friend or wanted a friend. Was it my business concerning anything they wanted. Did they claim anything? No!
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I meant nothing to them; Thus; They never felt anything for me from the start. Thus; I was hanging out with someone who felt no interest or attraction for me. Why then; was I associating with them. That is a brilliant question and the key to this situation. And where did I come up with the idea that some how randomly liked me! WHy?
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Is it possible that my father had neglected me completely leaving me a latchkey kid alone with nothing. Is it possible that I recreated that relationship with others ( this girl); hoping that if I could win over this other person ( this person emotionally and spiritually representing my parents). I would win in general and be back to human being status in relationships. And did I not learn that I never won doing this. And what a horrible ordeal all of this is for a child or young person; for they lose with their parents and they doubly lose again by going into the community; trying to find a similar situation with another monster; and only end up getting entrapped and eaten once more.
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Finally; so beat up and ripped apart; one cant function anymore at anything! I was disabled.
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So; seeking God is the first step.
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Conclusion;
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I was seeking my father... I was seeking a relationship that looked like the relationship I had with my father; where I was thrown away and not given any attention. I would get involved in that new relationship and win over that person and thus I would win. I would be back in control and prove I was worth something. However, in the end; I was turned on mid course and drowned or murdered or blown up or poisoned or trampled underfoot; For I was always set up first by the evil I had walked into... I never one.
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Finally with Gods help and recovery process and recovery groups I realized by way of the universe; The universe filling my head with new thoughts through prayer and meditation; I realized and was made aware that those evil people or who ever they were never liked me nor were attracted to me; I meant nothing to them; they felt nothing. Atho I look upon them as friend and with affection and love; they looked upon me as complete stranger of no interest; and at some point when they tired of this gathering; they picked up their things and left... and they would spit in my face if I let them and never come back; for they had contempt for me the whole time. I never seemed to realize this. They had contempt for even meeting me because they thought they were better than me the whole time. They did not have my values or any values; they could care less.
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NOT TO BLAME THEM BUT TO MOVE ON
Actually; working with the universe; was not to blame them; In a real sense; they are and were strangers; and nothing more; They were strangers I was projecting upon. ( I was a stranger to them)(they had no interest in me in the first place and ended things with no interest in me and never looked back). Ive got my work cut out for me explaining to myself and GOd why I ever went in that direction in the first place without any protective procedures to keep me safe from unsafe evil people or con artists and players and manipulative sociopath types; I walked right into them.. I had this pretentious attitude that I could do what ever I wanted; I owned this neighborhood. And I will pay for such insolence.
I was projecting my needs and desires and history; and I was trying to fix past relationships through new people I had met. The problem was; some of these people were dangerous but looked just like you and me.. I was trying to work out my psychology on dangerous people and at some point I was stuck in their web confused; and I was struck dead; I took death blows and almost didnt survive.
They had no concious; thus meaning; these monsters were from another planet and system of living; it was foreign to me. Its foreign to any decent person. And thus; I walked into a situation I did not recognize. And thus I was destroyed. And all I was trying to do was seek love; Well! THe sadistic sociopath I was playing this game with didnt care.. I was ripped to pieces. And they moved on!
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NOTE: The goal is to see this girl as a sadistic monster; a sociopath... Stop seeing her as a human; and stop making her live up to human traits... When I can see things clearly of who I was dealing with; I will unlock from her. I will see her as a stranger and move on; move forward. This will take some work. However, slowly painfully its happening.
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So; the universe is showing me the truth... I still have my meetings... my recovery process. Im learning...
It feels like a tumor was removed from nervous system.. Thats what this feels like; this removal of this persons memory from my life; her presence within me. Unfortunately; I have many more to go...
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Does it mean this issue is cleaned up or cleared up; well; maybe! We will see; but I think so; I think the universe just fixed this problem.
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I want to day as well; The main reasons I could not clear up these problems at the time.
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1. Communication problems
2. Communication content; I did not have a grasp or list of what I needed to tell the other person; what was wrong with me and what help I needed and exactly where I was on planet earth in regards to my social economic position; or mental health position.
3. Timing of communication; I did not; nor was I able to communicate at the right times or immediately when needed; and thus; I lost the person. At some point; they had no idea who or what I was doing around them and finally left.
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So; I was trying to chase someone that was the wrong person. And when I found out it was the wrong person I was devastated and felt like I had lost. I felt like I had been defeated again... And gotten nowhere... I was still a neglected throw away!
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So; today I have a God I can turn to and a recovery process. And hopefully Ill continue to work on all of this until The past is gone... And in this case; in the case of this girl; I may well be!
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I f_ck'd God over; I didnt follow through with his desire for this girl to get helped by me. After thousands of hours of being inline with God and working for God and with God concerning all of these matters; Ive barely been able to slip by the dragon and be gifted the right to move on or be free of such things.
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One should never break the agreements made to God. For God trusted me; trusted me that I would follow through with his daughter and I did not! Thus; I was consumed into insanity and death.... And I would never have come out of forgetting who I was until i worked with GOd on it; God slowly; very slowly brought me back to life... Where I had died....
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Now; God teaches me how to live again; altho Im broken...
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to many people broke me and I went to sleep..... God slowly woke me up and is now teaching me ....
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ITs not over yet; Im still working with personalities of the past. Until I gain more control over what happened to me and what happens to me.
I made a mistake; thats what happened here with people. And Ive got to learn a valuable lesson. I did not have the support to run to when things went wrong and I got slaughtered. Because I didnt have support my life choices diminished substantially.
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