June 2025
May 2025
Im in a new arena...
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Im in the beginning; the very beginning beginning of a new life. Pre beginning? Maybe; No! Something else. Im like the car thats parked at a rest area on the highway right outside the vacation spot.. It right there; 100 feet from me; the entrance. Im right outside it... waiting... working on the beginning of things because I just got there... now Im trying to get things organized before I go in... and I take it all in; take a good look at all of it.
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Im moving past the past... Things are changing.
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As for the " Girl up the street"; Its slowly changing. She never loved me.. Thats the stunning truth; and thats where it starts n ends... Their was nothing. How could this be; I made a mistake. God wanted me somewhere; God had put energy within my heart; but it not suppose to go up that street where that girl lived; I was to go in the opposite direction to the church; thats where I was suppose to fall in love. What happened? My ability for direction has been broken; I am blind and will need help from others. I will have to tell others what is going on and get help before I take action. I needed active first... So I could stay safe... and make the right decisions. I am don't just not good at making decisions; Im blind and not present... Im in the dark when it comes to making decisions.. I cannot see.. I must turn to God.
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I was not aware of God at the time I went up the street to that girls house.. I was aware of something but not respectable of God... I did it anyway and I payed for it... I wanted to be in control; I wanted to be God for once. I wanted to be free to make my own decisions and have personal power... I did not have Gods permission.
When I was in that car going up to her house; as soon as I got out of that God; suddenly; God was not with me; He was no where to be found... I had crossed into no mans land... Into the land of Satan... God was not there... I was alone...
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I know better today... Im still working on this issue; but it becomes clearer and clearer...
God does not send me to people that dont love me.
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The best friend who lived in my original neighborhood... Same story; same thing. Same type of person as the Girl up the street. Identical in many ways... Families were very similar.
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He was not a friend of mine; he did not care if he ever saw me again or ever had met me. I did not know this. Im not blaming that person; He was a stranger; he did not understand someone like me; we had nothing in common and I never knew... I mean; we had nothing in common; I didnt even like people like that but I never knew; I didnt know who he was either... I'm not blaming other people for not being my cup a tea... The real problems stems from before that; in both cases; with both these people; " The girl who lived up the street" and " my best friend in the neighborhood as a boy". Both of these people were not my friend. The problem was; I found out after becoming totally dependent on them for my worth and identity... When they left; I was destroyed and crushed; They meant everything in the world to me.
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Unfortunately I learned the hard way exactly what Jesus Talks about in the Bible and his relationship with God...
Im now starting to take responsibility for my life. ITs the first time..... Its a start; a spiritual awakening of a massive movement forward.
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I dont appear to be blaming anyone anymore for anything in my life... Because its " MY LIFE". Its not there... They dont have power over it anymore or under it or on top of it or beside it; I DO! Ive taken control of my life. Im steering the boot and taking orders from God... Thats whats happened.
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Its new; all new... But its earned and its been forth coming... Nothing un planned; but I had no clue on how it could be done.....Id waited on God and worked with God and its showing up. Im showing up... Personal power....
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Slowly the girl and the guy I mentioned in these blocks; slowly Im doing the core work to made them fade away for ever... I can only do this if I see them as worthless and Godless... And of no value... Certainly no value to me.. or God; my relationship with God.
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They were not safe for me... And I want to learn how to get rid of them within my nervous system and mind.. Ill get their... More work.
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Im learning about expectations and how they create resentments... This is a big concern for me.
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More information concerning the girl up the street;
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Now; looking back and being the detective concerning that crime scene of my life; I look back now and see her making fun of me at school.. In later years in high school... Shes acting like the stuck up cheerleader type.. She is playing me like any other stuck up person in high school when they look down on someone...
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What concerns me now as I wake up; More more information is showing she was just a normal girl who lived up the street with her parents... She may have been on the wealthier side of the middle class; not that its any of my business. No of it is my business; and she is not my business. Anyway; Her parents had money... she was a stuck up; on the popular side in school.. She was beautiful.
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I may have been more psychopathic than I realized. The more I look back; this is looking more like Im completely mentally ill wondering around someone. And very quickly this person realized I was mentally ill and laughed at me because of it; her and her parents; they saw I was just a fool and a weakling...
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I had lied when I met her; I tried to sound like an Alpha... and that I had it all together even played on the football team; all lies... all of it.. I lied about everything; I did this because I was mentally ill. Im not sure what I was doing up their or around this person; thats what concerns me now.
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Looking back; I am concerned... I was aimlessly wondering... I got into this car with these people and I was driven to their house... I met this person... The girl. She happened to be their by chance; nothing more... I mean; random chance. She figured out very quickly I was mentally ill... I was laughed at and let go.... I was not allowed up their anymore in a sense. I might have shown up again but they saw me as this harmless weakling; but I imagined it concerned them... Im not sure why anyone continued to allow me to show up at their house. Im not sure why I did accept the mental illness; I had nowhere to go... did not have any answer for the inability to deal with a dwindling reality.
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I remember his being stuck up to me suddenly when she realized I Was mentally ill... I was no longer her friend... I was exactly friends with her.. I mean; she was a stranger I met; She no longer allowed me around her... she immediately put on a defensive suck up presence as if superior with her superior friends and acted if she had never known me or met me... treat me like she treated everyone else who was not part of her rich entourage? However, let me make it clear; I was not THAT important. I was not any level of importance. She was distancing herself from me when she realized I was not one of her tribe or group... She saw me as a weakling; that means Im the enemy or someone to loathe or be discussed by; certainly to ever be seen with.
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Im trying to paint a picture of reality here.
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My mind was gone; I was suffering from untreated dissociative disorder and mental break downs from reality and long term PTSD that was getting worse. My mind was already far away and I could not function; I had already been through way to much. I was very mentally sick... No one care; I was being destroyed..
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The more I look at this and the more comes to light with Gods help; Their was nothing here; only what was in my broken dissociative mind; what I was creating in my mind. Nothing I was creating in my mind actually occurred in reality. Their was no relationship of any kind; nothing... Im even sure I ever got near this girl..
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Most of what Im talking about was in my mind and I struggling with what was in my mind; My Mind vs Reality. As for someone outside in the real world? Ya; I doubt it! I had no connection to them...
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Im assuming what happened was; I some how wondered up and around this persons house... Maybe I went with a few guys one day; they happened to stop off their... I got out of the car and went with them and waited for them... in the process I met some of the people in the house; The girl just happened to be one of those people... I met the guys parents only because I was with them silently.
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And the rest was in my head.
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In the future; I wondered up to their house and knocked on the door; and I think the girl answered the door and it startled her... And she kind of ran off a bit... But she asked me what I wanted; She allowed me to come in; I think she thought I was waiting or her brother. She was polite but concerned and nervous... I think her brother was their... I remember just kind of hanging out their a bit. I was basically mentally ill and silent. And I would stare at the girl; she was very pretty; but not really do much else. I just stayed away... I think I did this a few more times; showed up with other people at her house when I went with them as a group or something.
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I do remember once taking my bike up to her house; but I wasnt really allowed in...
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At this time; it had been a few months and I had already been written off as a crazy person.. I was laughed at and not wanted to be seen around there anymore... And that was kind of that. I did see her at the bus stop a few more times. We took the same bus together.. But by then we were completely strangers...
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I never saw her again; not really. I mean; she was at my school; or the school I was attending. I never saw her; she was in a different world then I. Once I think she asked my brother about me once; but it was more off a kind of stuck up question... Showing she had contempt for ever meeting me or having to deal with me at her house... I was up their a few times I think...
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Im sure what happened. I would stare at her sometimes. She was very pretty. My mind created things.. things as if I knew her... Very confusing. This would not be the last time I did this with the outside world. IT got to the point in therapy years later; that I could not tell the real world from the false world in my head; I did not know..... I still dont many times..
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So; what had happened with this girl happened even before when I was younger... I was already doing this behavior with strangers...
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So; as I am strong enough o wake up right now; the story continues to unfold like many other stories before it and after it.
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Im not sure why it was so important that I create a false fantasy narrative about this women; maybe I was obsessive over her because she was pretty? I guess? Looking back; What made her any more special or different than any of the other situations of delusion I created in my head while in extreme mental states.
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The problem was; I in golfed here within my head as someone I needed; someone of importance; someone I was obsessive about; Why? I dont know!
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Seriously; It was that time of life wanting a girl friend and I had no chance of that; My mind was gone and I was so distant from reality and connection with anything. I wondered around aimlessly around things but never touched things or was present... not really; I tried to fake it I think? I tried; it did not last long; I could not act like other kids my age; High school. I was being tormented and bullied all the time..
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I'm not sure why I hung on this image of this girl as important... maybe I needed a friend and some how used her image for that fantasy...
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As I said; I met her once; but with hours; She was through with me; seeing that something was wrong with me...
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I didnt really spend that time with her; I spent it at her house when people would show up at her house; I happened to be with them...
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My mind wants to create things that were not their. meaning; wants to create connections that never occurred; I think out of desperation to try to create an internal world of order out of confusion; to feel normal like everyone else. Maybe I used her image as a security blanket or security... security against a world I could not control that was around me... My mind!
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The problem with the girl; I created ( somehow); a bunch of thoughts; random thoughts about this girl that made me feel secure and feel better inside; safer; like I had a friend. I used imaginary people for this and put her face on one of the people.... And it lived inside of me... Im not sure why? I mean; looking back; I guess crazy people have to pick someones pic; yes? I mean. I had to do something; had to feel like I was part of something; had some kind of stability where no existed; extreme measures for extreme circumstances.
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I had no one; I was being destroyed... I was suffering from psychosis.
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Looking back; this is no fun... Im marginally talking about what happened in my head; not what ever happened in reality. Thats the hard part about writing these things; these blogs; sooner or later; Im going to find out and be confronted with the fact nothing existed in the real world; I was in a state of psychosis and it was all in my head; it was all made up in my head because It had to be that way for me to survive what I was going through... Why did I pick this girls pic for this out of a whole school of people at that time; I guess maybe because I got invited with others to visit her house and she randomly was present and I remembered her... I guess... I met her a few times; I guess thats all it took because I never meet anyone else... At some point I closed down completely.
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All the evidence to what happened in the end points to all that I have written and the realities of things were even more prevalent to what I have written... And its worse then what Ive written... its more impossible I had any relationships with anyone... at any personal level... I think I did make out with a few girls but that was it... during all of that time. Random things at parties drinking... not remembering.. I never spent time with anyone... so.....
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I do remember how this girl treated me in High school; She treated me like she had never met me... She was stuck up and popular I guess; I never saw her.. maybe once in high school I saw her way down the hall and that was it...
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I remember a few guys telling me they were going to ruff me up bad if I brought her name up anymore... I dont remember... She told someone I meant nothing to her... I heard it through the grape vine; it wasnt she me they said those things about; they were the elites in school Said that about everyone including me if I was not one of their click groups... I mean... it was distant.... I had nothing to do with the actual person...
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I had nothing to do with the actual person; I was wrong on a few pictures of her in my mind.. something I had remembered once when meeting her.... and that was all the actual real world contact I ever had with her or anyone else... I was kind of around other people but not really. I did not function and I was completely mentally ill but no one cared.
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For some reason it bothered me that this girl didnt care about me... Or I was fantasizing about it; in my head... all the time... I dont know why; I dont know why I picked her... Maybe it made me feel safer or better or having purpose or something insane; I dont know....... it was just a picture of her I held onto in my head to make me feel better....
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So; Ill keep writing about things because Im getting closer to truth about all things.
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I was mentally ill and reaching out in need to strangers around me. And I think many times created scenarios about them that never existed; I did this in my head because I could not actually connect to anything in the real world... But for a few of them; I actually believed some of what I created in my head and that got me into mass trouble later... because I was not connected to anyone in reality; not the way I though I was....
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