July 2025
June 2025
I wrote a bunch of stuff; wanting to be an Honor student when very young; had no idea I was living with monsters that would destroy my ability to express myself and my life; thats what they do; they are murder'rs; thats what murder is.
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Where do I go from here.
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I work with God to open up the next levels; the next pathways.
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I have tremendous work in working through the walls in front of me; these were trauma walls I kept up to keep others out; defensive walls from those attacking or controlling when young.
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So; its about God and the next level forward; I do not function in the outside world. I get triggered and shut down just by going outside; where and what will God have me be doing; what journey.
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Its sad and hard; the original life; neighborhood and such that I remember; In reality; it was of a very short time period; I dont see God making much of it; it was just a place for a short moment. In my innocence; I put weight and faith and safety in it when it was not; but I did not know that; I was being fooled. Nothing was stable or real; so it may all be discounted; I dont know. I may have to move on from it. Ill work with God; this scares me; hurts me; frightens me; freaks me out.
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What do I do on a daily basis; what am I suppose to be doing. I get PTSD triggers when saying this; but those past places that come up from that past life dont count; non of that does; nothing was real.
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Ill work closely with God.
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This is not an easy time... This is a scary humiliation. However, its also a time of discovery and a time ive never ever been allowed; I was never well enough.
As I work with God; Im beginning to see the horror and the cruel decapitation of my young life. Im seeing a clear'r picture; God is allowing it; its not fun. Its been buried in dissociation.
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Within dissociation; one suffers the affects of dissociation but ones nervous system will not allow one to remember the immediacy of what causes it. Now; God is slowly opening up that door more n more and its o so sad. For there really is no childhood and their really was no real neighborhood; the whole thing is a sham. Its all so horrible; but in line with the frequency of evil.
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My mind was affronted by the work of these psychopaths; over n over n over putting me into uncompromising situations I could not escape from; the idea was to trap someone. to trap me; over n over n over; my mother could not do this if my father was president and so many times in certain periods this did not happen but it did anyway because of completely neglect I did not know about. I was literally alone when young; and this started to take its affects.
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My father was no better; he was a fake trying to act like he was on my side; he was on no ones side; he was only acting on my side up to my age of 6 and suddenly things changed. They were both playing a game. I had absolutely no idea I was in something of this level of criminal horror; no one would.
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My mind was so compromised so many times ruthlessly and brutally it finally did not come back; it was put into uncompromising situations were I had no way out. So many times I became completely dissociated from reality and disordered.
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Now it makes more sense. Some much horror like this; brutality and cruelty of a murder; Im not sure there is anything to actually remember that was real; and many God was leading me into that slowly so it would not break my heart. God is trying to help me.
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My mind is very clear on its damage; much clearer then it used to be. damage from these monsters.. They were sadistic murder'rs.
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My mind is toast. Today; My mind was broken so many times over n over n over n over n over by being places in situations that cause harm that I had no escape from. I mean; this is no different then what serial killers do to there victims; its exact; I mean exactly the same.
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No one tells you what is going on or why; or that there is no future; no one cares because Im treated less then an animal humanly speaking.
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The point;
My mind is specifically broken through continued dissociative disorders; what brings about dissociative disorder. It has not changed but its much clearer about it.
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What now? What direction will God take me now to heal; I mean; I have this sick feeling Ill have to give up the neighborhood I grew up in because I was never really a part of it and want want to be as I remember more and more is revealed to me.
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So; here I am now; asking God to some how help me get better; Im not sure what that means; I do; it means aligning with my inner being and the universe.
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Honor student; That was something I remember when very young I wanted to be. Looking back now; impossible. dream. not possible with those monsters. So; altho I remember being it; or wanting it; impossible. Not possible in that life time.
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Im not sure now what direction the universe will take me as I want to wake up and be part of reality. I have no idea of my pathway; Ill keep praying about it.
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I did make an identity change this last week or last few days. I got stronger but also remember so much pain over n over; and I was always alone. I had no one. years of having to hold everything inside while my life was being destroyed and ruined and tortured and I could do nothing.
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I do not want to go back to anymore 12 step groups; they were never good for my interaction purposes of CPTSD or dissociative disorder; In many cases; many of the kinds of people that hurt other people were in those meetings; but so was Free therapy; 1 million meetings worth. And I took advantage of it; but Im so tired now.
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Im asking God for a whole new direction. Ill keep working with God; many things have changed; I just need to be at places that Im not interacting with such crude people. Ive put up with it. Now; ive gotten what I was suppose to get; Im awakened and now I want to move on. So; Ill work with God on it.
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The 12 step groups were great because I couldn't function socially. But now that Im getting better; I do not want to hang out there anymore...
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Ill pray about it.
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Ill have to pray about the place or life God is trying to take me to. I hope its far away from this place. I have to get to the place that I have no more warm feelings for this place; any of it; and thats not going to be easy; Ill pray about it.
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I could say that many things of my past are dissociatively blocked. Everything seems to be. So; I have to work with God to unblock them and move beyond them; the main culprit from the beginning is my mother; with a wall of dissociation associated with her forced involvement or intrusion into my private and personal life.
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I had allot of innocent goals when young; All kinds of school goals; but they we're destroyed quickly; As I had those monsters controlling me treating me less then a human being. and then if they could get away with it; stripping me of life itself.
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I expected to be an Honor student type; I mean; that was the plan; but I had no idea I was no in a position to anything; I was being controlled and had no idea; abused; there was no one on my side; nothing when young; they will lead me on and then slowly strip me of everything human; one things or concept at a time.
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I had no escape.
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Today; working with God; I have the ability to look at all the vast problems of being physically controlled by others Bullies and such and learn a new system to break through in the here n now; working with God.
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Im getting it; Ill be brought back to a place of neutral where I start over from ground up.
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There was no hope for me when very young; not around those monsters; nothing. I did not know this; any of it. I was being played on both sides of the fence. No one cared about me dead or alive.
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They wanted to keep me from developing. I didnt know until it was 2 late... They played it; it was all a game.
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I had no chance. I might have a chance now; Ill have to learn how to break through the dissociative walls. That is a scary thing; frightening.
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All of this is leading me to start over; or start again for the first time.
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Im overwhelmed with how to proceed forward with my life openly in the present; I do not feel safe enough to do such things and Im triggered with massive PTSD from numerous people of the past; bad people that controlled me.. controlled my movements through intimidation and fear.
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However; God is running the whole thing. So
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Ill have to work through the humiliation of being controlled by bullies. over n over n over for ever n ever. and ever and thy ruined my life and I never fought back. But then I had no physical place to run or hide.
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God is in control; so; Ill work with God on this to learn how to be safe and work through this stuff.
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