June 2025
May 2025
Trigger warning about suicide; just a sentence; just letting ya know!
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GOLD;
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It was bound to happen; Ive been working on it for years; ever since diagnosed in 2008 with Full Dissociative Disorder/CPTSD
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I could not function most of my life; I gave up on relationships somewhere in the middle of teenage years; because it was around then I lost my first love. I would have married her; However; By the end of my teenage years; she was gone and I no longer cared about anything; I never wanted to be close to any human beings ever again.
Because I was so mentally ill at the time; I was not able to conversate with anyone; I was in a stund state. I had nothing to say to anyone; overloaded with trauma and PTSD; I had no desires anymore for anything. I just wondered around aimlessly and wanted to die; no one cared. My mind was also hurt from Drug use; abuse; especially in the end... up to this period... no functioning anymore in work or relationship related fields... nothing; I withdrew from life... I was dying and disappearing. At some point Ill not want to be here anymore; in fact that had all ready started. TO many loses...
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I had no interest in life; it was like I was an old man; I cared about nothing; I was tired and burned out. no prospects; all things I loved were gone; destroyed.
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I got worse. I became some what schizophrenic from the dissociative disorder; same difference; I had several therapists that saw me in meetings that I was schizophrenic; thats how bad I was. ANd that went on for a long long time. As I slowly got better; after much work; I began to have goals. One of those goals was dating; but I was way to mentally ill for that and off center; My personalities were lop sided.. It will takes years of work to align things again. And then my severed childhood; more years of the universe source energy going in and out and through my childhood slowly opening it up... slowly; years of work... And studying success based thinking processes...
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I had many goals. One of those longer term goals was relationships. But I thought; if I could act normal and be in a relationship; I would have to be literally cured.
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TO THE PRESENT>
I have just had my first authentic conversation with a women since teenage years... And Im an old man; thats a damn long time... We are talking about Van Helen just came out with their first album; somewhere around that time period I started seeing my frist love...
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As a half psycho destroyed sociopathic for many years who just wanted to blow things up; I no longer cared about anything; ALl of that time period does not count. All the fake weirdo women; and Im not sure how I hooked up with them; That doesnt count... I wasnt present...
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With severe mental illness coming on more n more in my 20's; that doesn't count; All the years later when I finally went off the deep end and got put on social security; Non of that counts; impossible. Doesnt count for the ability to be in a relationship or talk to people or even get close to people.
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In 2012; in the recovery process with mass amnesia; seeing psychologists and shrinks; I got this idea; it came from the universe; I would study dating materials; and I did; For I had forgotten how to do anything; my mind; I forgot all social ability; it was like completely brain damage; lots of it; I was completely shut off.. shut down and could not remember anything; I had massive amnesia and that amnesia also stopped basics; remembering basics and I could not get close to anyone or I would shut down. Shut down within a 100 feet. For many many years people only knew me as being crazy. ANd I acted crazy.. but thats all they knew! I was completely mentally ill; they really didnt have anything to compare it to. Not that anyone cared.. Just saying.
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NOTE: AS FOR THE DATING MATERIAL: I worked each chapter and practiced all of it. What did it do for me. taught me again how to dress in front of women for success. IT also taught me how to approach someone; be interesting; have interesting conversation; hold a conversation; keep the person safe; or feeling safe. learn how to ask for what I wanted and learn how to end the conversation; and learn how to get phone numbers and other things properly. And how to work a room... Could I do all these things; NO! But as I got better I always attempted stuff and kept learning and working on it. And finally about 6 years later; I remember having my first authentic conversation with a women; just her and me. I was so feeble and broken and mentally ill; I could hardly stand in front of anyone; but I did it for a few minutes. that was years and years ago...
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So; After years and years of work... and working with the universe; I slowly started to have break throughs and paradigm shifts. Spiritual break throughs... and later; in the last several years more n more break throughs. and more regular changes and developments. Finally in the last few years; things were changing every week; and then everyday a break through.
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THE PRESENT>
Ive been working on relationship dysfunction problems; thats been the main goal for a very long time. However, I had to accomplish other goals first. I did accomplish those goals and my energy naturally moved into relationship stuff.
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However; in one form or another its always been working on relationship stuff...
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I had to become my true self again.
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About 4-5 years ago; a young women wanted to spend time with me. I flirted with her and she told me she wanted to spend time with me; personal time. I just looked at her. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It was 2 cold; I was to cold hearted. I just couldn't fool around with someone knowing I would never have a real relationship with her; because I didn't know how to have a real relationship with her. I was not able to; I was not connected properly to reality. but also; I was in a freeze stund mode; I neither talked to her and told her why; because I couldn't; I didnt have any practice opening up my voice; my opinion my expression onto the world; my feelings.
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I walked away from this girl.. I just walked away because it was over; the old me was finished. I could no longer be the old broken totally cold hearted unconnected... I just couldn't be this way anymore; I had been working on recovery for a long long time and slowly changing. She was a beautiful young women... I had fantasized about her for a few years... When it was offered to me; I pulled back and left... Whats the use. I cant even communicate... Im right back to where I was as a broken teenager; nothing had changed; well; thats because I was behind a giant trauma bond wall; Nothing had changed! THis created a robot like learned helplessness. Way powerful and way over my head.
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Later; I talked with this guy at the meetings; and I kept talking to him and he started helping me. He kind of took me under his wing and ive been their ever since. GOd thing! ANd Ive slowly learned or taken his advice on things and slowly while working with the universe worked on breaking through.
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Ive had massive amount of break throughs at this point.
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numerous months back; my goal was to take relationship stuff to the next level in order to get well; to be more present and learn to interact again.
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First let me say; No one I know of knows anything about Dissociative disorder and why it puts one on a disability. And I hope no one ever knows; ITs like being in a strait jacket blind. One is completely helpless; ones mind is taken over by long term PTSD and blackouts from other personalities.. and many other bad things; Lots of them. Horrible torture.... day after day after day with no relief or let up; Im surprised half the trauma community hasn't committed suicide by now!
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So; IVe had massive walls to work through if even possible. However, with the universe helping me; I slowly re built my childhood; a complete wonderland; a present from the universe.
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NOTE: Ill mention; from the psychopaths; my voice was taken or destroyed or pushed down my throat; I could no longer talk.. I was silenced and no longer talked because of trauma...
Ive worked for years and years long n hard on this...
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Maybe a year ago or 2; my voice and opinion and such and the fight to be present started so show up because I started to want it; to show up. I started to care again; and that is the biggest miracle.
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So; here I am now... many moons ago; I thought; Ill start talking to women again; Ill pull a women from the meeting and ask her to sit with me and talk; And if I could do that; I could do anything again.
And thus; I did it; one at a time; and I went through several of them; talking bout psych stuff. We would talk for 10 minutes and that was it... I never really talked to much to each of those women ever again.
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However; things continued to develop in my interpersonal skills for rehabilitation.
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And soon I began to ask people for rides to meetings; actually; thats been going on for a few years; thats a huge step because one has to ask all the time; call all the time; ask people for rides home from the meetings all the time. All the inner personal communication and stuff that goes on on the way to the meeting places..
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And by this time several years ago; I was starting to call women and talk to them on the phone at night... the problem was; these were the wrong women not the right ones.
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I had a phobia of talking to anyone I would actually go out with that I found attractive. I could not; I would dissociate; and the women I actually called were far and few; the conversation were more about my past then about us... given n take; I was still very dissociated from reality but I did it. It was all one sided and self centered.
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TO THE PRESENT:
A couple of months ago; I went on camping trips and began to ask people to take me places; and one person took me to his parents camping cabin on the coast; so I was up their for about 4 days; and took my bike; I road my bike and talked to God about things and God started to take me into the next level.
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When I got back home I began to dialog on paper with women of the past( working in my imagination). I would but my name and their name on the paper; and I would play both parts; I would always pray first. I would sit with them and talk to them about all the things I always wanted to talk to them about but I couldnt; I was shut down and could not respond; and thus I lost them.
SO; the universe showed me a system when I was ready to dialog with them and IVe been doing that for about 1 1/2 months or 2 months. With great results. Ive learned more doing this... is incredible. And Its as if I faced them and let out all my feelings good and bad them; right to their face. And Im not really with anyone; Im writing their name on a piece of paper; and my name on the same piece of paper and I say hello; we pray; and then I write about how I felt about them; I open up to them; an imaginary Them!
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New Subjects at Meetings;
At a meeting I began to talk about the women I was going to marry in the past... Started doing this about a month ago; did this for a month and got it all out; basically saying; no one really wanted to marry me; they didnt even like me...I was in a dream state. I thought they wanted to marry me; but they never did! thats because they didnt even like me.
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I started to notice something new; I could talk about one subject during the meeting but when I tried to talk about another subject; I couldnt. I wanted to keep things to myself or private at a 12 step meeting. And then it happened again a few nights later... I realized my days of needing 12 step groups were numbered.
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I got up from the meeting and told myself; Im going to pick a women in here; Im going to ask her to sit with me so I can share my intimate stuff I wouldn't share with the group; And I did. I stood up; a women offered me her onion rings; I said yes; Ill take them all; and I saw the opportunity; We looked at each other and I said I liked her and this is why. And she said the same thing; and then I began; I told her about my goals but it never happened because of marriage dysfunctions and wanted her advice: she gave it to me and the conversation died out after 7 minutes and we went our own way; it was a success; FOr I had walked up to a women; asked her for what I wanted; told her how I felt about her; and then got vulnerable with her and ended the conversation smoothly; got up and left. NOT BAD! Victory! Really!
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TO THE PRESENT>
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TOday was different then any other time accept when young as a teenager with my first love; and the prime of that was age 14… And at that age I could walk up or run up to her house and walk in chasr her to the couch and jump on her and talk to her… or flirt with her… And now Im starting to get all of that back… In fact; its really coming back; the ability to respond and be inline with it. Confidence;
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This is the first time since 14-17 years old; that I have been able to be present and myself and strong again like when I was with my first love.
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So; Ive been dialogging about all kinds of feelings and thoughts on paper; talking to my old relationship potentials as if I was actually talking to them. And its working; Im getting my voice and energy and power back…
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TO THE PRESENT>
At a Noon meeting today; a young women in the meetings; someone that had shown some interest a long time ago. But I would never get near her; didn’t trust her didn’t feel safe around her… was scared to show my feelings around her before. Couldnt show my feelings around her before. I just couldn’t; they were completely dissociated and blocked up.
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So things have been changing for me; I mean major changes; the kind that spell sanity and strength…
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Im more confident; much more.
When I was with my first love; I had confidence and I wanted to take care of her and help her… and talk to her… minister to her…. Tell her how I felt about her…. Luv her!
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TODAY AFTER THE MEETING.
This women from the meetings comes down stairs and outside the doors. We are outside with a few people; Im sitting down on the stone square embankment piece at the end of the concrete short stairs from the main entrance to the church. We came out the middle glass doors in the atrium of the church. The main church cathedral is off to the right.
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This women starts talking to my friend and others; Im deciding to stick around and listen and be present and not AVPD…
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My friend starts talking to this other women; and suddenly its me and this women . I never trusted her so I never said anything to her in the past. Im sure I even liked her. She was cute but I never felt safe enough and I blamed that on her...
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Suddenly; I start talking to her; I directly ask her questions about the subject she was talking about; and then I start telling I know whats wrong with her. She then moves over or across the walk to sit next to me and we start talking. I got hardcore with her and I was kind of coaching like. I was giving my opinion of the situation and of her behavior; something Ive seen for 10 years but could never get close.
It sounded just like me and my first love! Identical; It means IM BACK! Thats what it means. Its a start of something completely real! Its small; Im not sure where it will go or with who. Ill keep praying and working on it or at it.
THis is all I ever wanted to happen in college and my early 20's; but I continued to get more in boxed and shut down from dissociative disorder; dis connected from the world around me completely.
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I could have been rejected; This is an attractive little female thug… I have no idea if she is going to trust me; but she did. And Im direct and she came over to me… And we talked; And it was more then just about her; I mean; it was about her! My feelings about how she is living her life! And I told her what I think… It went great… I opened things up. Chance taking; Yes it was; You never know what people are going to do… I told her what she needed to hear and what I needed to say!
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NEXT;
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I sat with my friend in his truck. We took of to the ACE tool store and looked at stuff!
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On the way their; I told him what my thoughts were about things; hes kind of my sponsor…
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More importantly I told him how important that conversation was; He didn’t really appreciate it; How could he.
But I told him; He was a witness; He saw me do it; He saw me talking to her. He saw it; He knew Ive been working on relationship dysfunction stuff for a long time; He saw me break right through it today. He is a witness.
IT was important for my relationship with the universe that I tell my friend that he was a witness to what the universe is doing for me; for it is all God! All of it; and when a witness can prove it; the universe is willing to work that much faster with me and for me. I had to make sure I signed someone of as witness to the breakthrough because ultimately This girl has been working with the universe and getting stronger and Ive been working with the universe and getting stronger and now we come together... after breakthroughs.. We talk real with each other... no fear; justs powerful... it ws great.. Im not scared of the outcome because Im able to express my power... ITs exciting..
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NOTE: When I have a witness; ive shown or told someone about my breakthrough and how I got it; and who gave it to me; The universe; THus; the universe will help me tomorrow with even more breakthroughs!
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Did I just complete the necessary requirements for relationship health that I don’t have to bring it up at 12 step meetings anymore. REMEMBER: My goal was to be able to function in relationship- building outside the 12 step rooms; getting self officiant at it to the point that I did not need to bring it up at meetings anymore.
Did I do that today; Maybe! I don’t know; but that was an incredible experience; it reminds me of how I used to be in my childhood.
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What does this mean; It means Im almost ready to be boyfriend material for a women… its o so close… I mean; its a conversation away.
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I really don’t know who it would be; but Im getting close to connection.
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The other night in a meeting; we talked about friendships and how to accept myself and like myself first and be at that frequency with others so I feel valuable enough to have friends or think that Im worth being in their lives and how to do that. And how to step out and have confidence in that outer independent state where I have to like myself because its me and God and thats it as far as my worth goes. That place where I have confidence. Man o man!
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So; Im going through a lot of learning right now.
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