July 2025
June 2025
So; Im moving forward...
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When talking to my higher power; my higher power the universe God Jesus; left me a message in within my mind; centered coming into... ascending
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The message was; " why did you hang out with those weird people. ( meaning when younger); why were you not applying yourself".
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So; in reality; this is a statement for now because it is now that Im dealing with these old memories; in reality they are not old; they are NOW! Because Ive never been able-enough to deal with them.
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So; Im dealing with them now; slowly I guess. Ill explain.
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My higher power wanted me to deal with those major players I looked up to as Gods; who I turned to out of desperation to take the place of a family system I did not have. In the end and maybe from the beginning; I was used; these wield people could do nothing else... And they had no value for me; as for being human beings. They were no better than aliens... They were strangers at best; but I didnt know.
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ITs left me with huge gaping holes in my heart and in my soul; its like sharks bit into me and ate me; eat part of me; but I can get up; but theirs holes in me where their weren't any before... My hole body is full of these kinds of dissociative holes. But God has resurrected me and Im walking around again... Im a whole person with these holes...
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So; Im remembering what I was like when really young; like in first grade; and this is before I met my fake best friend; but not by much... But it is before that; and I think thats God doing his work; hes setting me on a course before I was hurt by these outsiders...
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I was being set up by these people and never knew it; I thought I was safe. I didnt know I was the one they were going to set up or were setting up the whole time... I had no idea I would be betrayed; I walked into an enemy camp and thought I was camping out successfully; I was wrong; I was known right from the start and I never got 2 feet; but I never knew...
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The next level of healing is (Applying myself); What does that mean?' Imagine a first grader and he has to learn how to study for something and I have a father that will show discipline or help me learn it... help me get inline with school before I get inline with anything else; to finish my home work and do the best I can and learn how to study and get good grades at things.. And this is a constant and a way of life... Something that never happened for me; my mind dissociated the whole time and I was not present...
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So; God is taking me back through grade school. Im not sure how; or where; it will be some kind of discipline of some kind; learning how to do something or allot of things; It will be about the way I proceed to do things for success; Things in the real world where I can show them off; show them off to others; my skill; something real. I mentioned math Tudor; maybe a study of mathematics; thats what Im thinking; getting good at something.
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I think; applying my to be good at many things. The apply has a specific meaning to it; its a kind of ( getting responsible) with something or else?; Do it or else be broke or alone or in poverty; its a kind of reality hit.. A guy has to learn how to apply himself to make something of himself.
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And what I like about it is; its about me doing it for me and getting somewhere and developing; I can already see it and feel it...
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Ill keep praying about it.
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Im starting to feel what its like not to have the memories of those past people eating me away like before. Im feeling a kind of wholeness altho Ive got all kinds of dissociative holes in me; its like parts of me are not there. Imagine a plastic man and in the rib cage and stomach and hip areas; altho you can see the plastic body; inside the plastic body; in this places its clear; you can see right through me; it looks like animals came along and took a bit out of me in these places.. But Im oKe; Im standing and functioning again.
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I can already see it; like ive never seen it before; I see the holes in me and I see the faces of those who have done it; And it is of those I trusted; and they ate me. And those people are not my friends; in fact; they are dangerous; and I can tell my soul is very anxious to move on from them; their memories and forget all about them as I start over.
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Ill have to work with God on the ( girl up the street); she is one of them; Ill have to see where she took the bites out of me and really hone in on it realizing people like that are my enemies and not my friends.
I notice when writing this; the ( girl up the street); Ive dissociated out any feelings or realities of her doing anything wrong to me; its almost amnesia like. its all covered up and numb... SO; Ill be working on uncovering the truth about that. It could be the child in me doesnt want to uncover her because he likes her... SO; Ill have to over ride that and get into that areas of dissociations and uncover what she did and feel the feelings of fear; she was dangerous to my health and I must see it and feel it and move on from it.... And their are others.
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OKE;
As for Applying myself... The key is praying about it... talking to God to open it up.
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ive discovered with Gods help; The answer Im looking for it this; I have to become Right Sized. This means humble in order for me to be inline with the things I am to applying myself to. This means a pathway not only out in front of me; but it must be a path leading downward; Like going down steps below me by 20 feet; Then outward.. I suggests a pathway of experiences that break my ego and get me inline with the basics I must learn. Ill work with God on this as well; I have no idea what that is or what it will be; but Im getting the feelings of it...
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As for becoming right sized. Im talking about becoming like a kid again and than I can see my path. But in order to do this; I must forget and move beyond the adults that hurt me so I can let go of them; shrink down to a kids level; leave the adults alone; take a flash light at that level and look around for my pathway; it is not at the adult level; its hidden in the Kingdom of children.
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When I got angry; I had to rise up and face adults to survive; It was like being a kid that got stretched out; stretched out of shape into an adult before my time. Now I have to let go of the adults and allow myself to shrink back down into a kid again and start the search. I cannot get their from here.
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As I get better; natural things occur; right now; a gaming pc; so; Im Reddy-ing the games on STEAM That I want to purchase for gaming.
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I could have gone with an XBOX X; but didnt.. I dont know; Ill only being using this PC for gaming; Ive got a 27inch gaming monitor and gaming mouse; game pad, and gaming basic keyboard... IT will be about 2 weeks I think before it see it...
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Im still buying a MacBook Pro at some point for music and everything else but not gaming; im finely getting a separate machine for that from now on.
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Social; this is the next big deal; getting better and meeting people socially; meeting new people; yes its possible.
Ill tell you this; My big dream when younger was to be with my best friend (THEN); when I was young; and do this; So, I have to prepare with Gods help to do the same thing now; as I get another chance. prepare myself for meeting new people in social settings; but without this friend; or fake friend. Interesting; Because I have 2 views of this friend. That he was my close friend that I loved with all my heart; closer then a brother. And then theirs the reality; he was nothing more then a kind of predator I guess; who suckered me in around him; Not really; but he did because I kept calling him and coming over and he was a weirdo who was leading me on for the thrill of it; he was not a friend; he was not anybody; he could not have friends like me; He was no human being and I never knew. So; I have 2 views; but God is allowing me to see worthless weirdo that this creepo was. I mean; its kind of like that; and he was not safe and he did not respect me; he was playing me; the whole time... Not once was he not.. iT was like dealing with some creepo sociopath... I never knew; I was being used the whole time. And I have to continue to see it that way; and God within me from the universe is sending information of this nature. I had the right Idea; I had the wrong person.
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So; I have to become the right kind of person and than ask God to bring me around the right kinds of people... I really dont know where or what frequency these type of people Im looking for or who are looking for me; Im not sure who they are.
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Im fat lard buy... Ive got about 50 pounds of lard-sloppish to get off my body-ish.... It shall be done!
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Ive got to get my place cleaned up; like a hotel room... I mean clean... that clean look like your renting the place... I mean clean and keep it clean... thats whats coming next.
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Music and Art... Ill pray about it...
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.Women; Ill pray about it.
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