June 2025
May 2025
I have to be careful on this one; Im not trying to indicate normalcies... Im trying to indicate a desire for sanity as a goal.
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This is a long shot; coming back to normal( decent spiritual way of life). But thats where this is leading now; coming back to normal means sanity; it doesnt mean things I cant control like mental illness; broken mind; and skizoid personality; several of them...; Long term PTSD/CPTSD; AVPD; Agoraphobia.
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Today I felt OKE in my apartment; THen I stepped outside in the real world and felt schizophrenic; My condition is alive and well; Anxiety disorder and more that makes me disordered.
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However, I have a great( OKE)(Good)( heading to normal) attitude from so many years in recovery work.
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I have done a lot of spiritual work...
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My mind and nervous system are toast. However, parts of me work and parts of me are present; Lots of me is not and doesn't work.
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What's interesting; Lots of people drop out of the recovery process because they feel after years of work they expect to look and act a certain way; I learned along time ago; not so. I learned recently; not so!@
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I'm heavily damaged goods. I'm damaged goods with a great attitude; maybe its just above average; or an average attitude for a normal person. For me to have any resemblance of an attitude is a fantastic thing. Meaning a concept of human life attitude especially anything resembling a well adjusted person. Im not suggesting Im their yet or even started but that is the goal; and thats fantastic because thats a goal sitting on top of allot of work and foundation. Nothing left but for me to recover. And that parts of me that can recover seem to; and the parts that cant; Im Oke with; and thats what makes all the difference...
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Im not bent out of shape still being mentally ill and ruptured. Im OKE. Its not perfect but Im ok because Im in the recovery process; Im not alone; its a volatile place; and some people can get jealous and mean... anyway...
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Im coming back to normal; that's the goal; a normal well adjusted spiritual condition is the goal. That means I understand what happened in the past; what my role was; no one owes me anything... And the future is up to me and GOd and what ever else the universe wants to bring me for this purpose of development.
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FEAR; It would be nice to belong to the right kind of group or experience to feel safe learning new things; I still suffer from trauma... from freeze mode and a kind of dull dissociation I go into when ever their is confrontation. I dont do confrontation I become catatonic; I go blank..
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I go away; I go upstairs to LA lA land! . IT would be nice to have a ritual of good things I do; people and places and such that I meet that I can feel safe. Safe places. Im still not very good with confrontation and Im alone. I mean; I go to meetings but other then this; Im alone in this small town with no real purpose here accept to get better. And at this point. Im not sure I need to be in this small town for that.
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As for relationships; Im still working on this; I dont know if I will ever be ready to interact with anyone that I would feel safe enough to actually date. God would have to bring someone safe. Ive never met anyone who is safe; ever! not for dating purposes... So; I dont know... Ill work with GOd as I have been and see who shows up... IT would have to be someone GOd is sending as a helper...
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SO; Im damaged good; still disabled from all of it and for good reason; but something is different with me then others; I have much more then hope; I mean I have the same hope these days as anybody. However, my attitude is good n strong toward focusing on my future... And my spirituality continues to strengthen...
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