June 2025
May 2025
Significant healing and changes occuring concerning First Love.
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Big changes occuring concerning First Love; all do to Higher power Universe/God.
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All movement forward is about me being on my knees and calling out to God; and being in such desporation; that the universe listens to me now! always had listened to me; I guess. Had to get on my knees with desperation I guess.
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FIRST LOVE; This subject is in full reversal and Ive been healing. Im now seeing a bigger picture of what the universe had in mind or has in mind for me in order to get my feelings back...
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1. As my memories come back; I could not respond to anyone's interest; and I did not know what to do about it; My maturity was 2 low to be in any connective relationship with Activities or people. I was not receiving any help; no one cared...
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THe universe is showing me that this girl loved me... She tried everything she knew how to do out of desperation to get me to go out with her; for months. But I couldn't... And finally sensibly; with the limited information at hand; She finally; out of self preservation; she moved on.
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I was mad; I had righteous resentments. But not to her! Meaning; she had done nothing wrong. But I was still mad because I had been broken down to the level of a tot; the level of a 6 year old. ANd why didnt she come and find me and scoop me up as if I was a little boy and hold me and love me and take care of me! I never forgave her for that. I thought; if she really loved me or wanted me as a husband; she would have done this; she would have cared. This was more proof their seemed to be more sociopath in her then human. And knowing this; I gave up. I dropped away; wrote her off has being like everyone else; disgusted I never really came back... My soul had move on... I wanted nothing to do with her ever again... I was protecting the child within me; my inner child; the soldier in me was protecting me and getting me out of there.
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God intervened; I had not explained myself enough to her... It never went any further then that! I left.
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I ran back to God in total confusion.
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I stayed with God and started over again. Working with God; God wants my emotions back. I have to come back to life if Im going to live the remainder of my life. I mean; I demand it. So; God came up with a plan for me to re experience my FIrst Love and learn to emote in it on paper and in my imagination; all under the care of God... And its working; and it has worked. Its strainening me out emotionally.
THings are turning out differently then I thought. Im realizing the breakdowns from my association with that girl; because I threw it away... I did this to myself. And that is so confusing; I could not live with myself.
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NOTE: The whole experience was murky; ultimately; working with God; it doesnt matter; in the end all truth gets exposed and I getting stronger accept what ever it was that was happening; I can get back on my own 2 feet face it walk right through it; being myself and walk out into my life again..
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However; the facts remain; I am or was 2 immature to function around others; they were way over my head... I could not explain myself to them; I needed real help.
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IT was up to me if I wanted to come back to God after being reintroduced to God in the recovery meetings.
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Now; my emotions are slowly coming back and Im slowly getting stronger and more present.
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I dont want to go to so many 12 step meetings anymore. I just dont want to... I want to function again in society.
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I would like to be in new relationships. This will take a bit of work.
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I must be done with my Frist Love and that may happen. Emotionally the goal is to stand on my own 2 feet and be present in my imagination dealing with her and the lose of her; and that just might happen the way things are going. In fact; Im kind of believing it will; we will see. I am getting stronger. I can see myself happy strong independent with her gone... not needing her anymore.
I just wanted my identity back; I wanted to own myself again; not be owned by severe codependency.
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It seems Im getting over her; healing up and moving in front of facing; standing; moving beyond walking through my first love; and nothing she can do about it... Its all inside me; in my soul mind imagination; but You feel me! Im standing up for what I believe in.. and Im moving right up to her and through her; taking steps right through her and beyond; over n over n over.
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Ill be honest about it; in this is the part that is tricky; Devotional fierce loyalty. But hey; wait a minute; my higher power can show memories or evidence; this person was just faking me out.. they never really had any loyalty to a relationship; They were never who they pretended to be; it was all fake; and underneath all that was not a nice person but a sociopath; a narcissist playing me the whole time; a snake; a dangerous venomous creature.
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Snakes are dangerous for varied reasons; around their own kind they are fine I guess. Venomous snakes are dangerous and deadly; they are not something to find myself around. Sometimes I dont appreciate the fact they are venomous; They will Strike and when they do I will get sick and die. The idea when taken to the hospital is not just that i've been bitten; the hospital would also like me to get well and heal.
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Why would I associate with a venomous snake; Im mental ill; their could be no other reason. Ill need psychological help to learn how to break the trauma bond of the snake upon me. And humiliatingly so; thats exactly what is happening; its embarrassing to be weak.
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its so shameful and humiliating being under the spell of a venomous snake; I feel so embarrassed; so weak; But the truth is good enough. The truth is; I was weak and taken over.
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As I get better; Im finding Im slowly able; ( In my imagination); Im slowly able to walk up to my First Love; standing; sit down with her and talk to her as if strong enough; like if nothing ever happened. Im aware of what did happen in real life but im getting so much stronger and confident. Im slowly watching myself tell her anything I want; tell her off and move on.
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ANd for the first time; I tell her off in a way. Im starting to direct the conversation to; the crime she committed against me; Im talking to her not just as the victim; but now as the independent prosecutor of the trial. Im telling her the crime she commited; that she didnt get away with it; it never shut me down; Im here right now; Im tell her her crime in front of man and God; and the punishment is exposure; I simply walk away with disgust horrified back to my original life; her fear creating power gone; she is brought back to nothing more then a scumbag criminal offender. I show I can walk away without her; without any trace of her; ever having to know her; I walk away free ( Im not fooled anymore); and start my life where it originally left off; Standing on my own 2 feet; free from the lies.
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The perpetrator wants to create fear; that's how they bound me; She created it in me by implying she would leave me if took my identity back; if i questioned her; if I questioned her the fantasy would be over. She gave some concepts of instability; introduced them. She first hooked me So I would believe I was her man; the only man; and their was no one else; and only I could save her and rescue her; and if I did; Id have her all admiration and loyalty forever.
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Unfortunately it was a lie. She was a narcissist hooking in me... Now; its not working anymore; Ive grown up... I no longer believe.
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God has done all this for me; been on my side; the spirit of God has revealed all things to me as I slowly move down the energy river.. God is my friend; the universe is my friend; source energy is my friend; Jesus Christ the son of God is my friend! Gods Angels are my friends... Love is my friend.
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God is trying to save my life.
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Im getting stronger; Im getting the opportunity choiced upon me to pursue happiness; to heal; to pursue the acquirement of my identity; to steal it back and hold on to it this time; steal it back from the snake that took in; from the snake I freely gave it to in trade for my life. If the snake took care of me and kept me in my dream world; I would give it my identity as present. Now that I know the snake is evil and does not have my best interests at heart; I take it back; all bets are off; the contract is void; I want my life back please. And God will help me get that life back.
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PRESENT CREATION OF RELATIONSHIPS:
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So; when this healing of the original me is more completed; The plan is to have new emotionally based relationships back in my life; How's it going?
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I find it perplexing; when in my imagination I practice taking steps down a pathway for relationship; at the end of the steps is a women; I walk up upon her and stand in front of her with open arms; she stands in front of me; she being attracted to me; puts her arms strait out and hugs me. I do hug her but feel a strange feelings of rejection or dejection. I feel a strange fear of not trusting or believing. And I felt this with my first love. Thus I pulled back from her; but it did not come from my first love; it came from me. It came from my mother; and later my father and later many others and other things. It came from my mothers original dejection of me from the beginning of my life.
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The inability to not go into physical with someone is a psychological problem I have to look into; it did startle me... Im like; OKE; this is coming from my experiences with my fake mother and father; fair enough but how to I stop it; how do I trust again. How do get out of this and learn how to be a normal person again. Have my freedom to be a human being again.
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SOURCE ENERGY UNIVERSE GOD HOLY ONE: CHRIST;
God can solve this.
The problem that I have this electrical wall against anyone getting close to me is the problem. THis direly affects my abilities with women. And I dont want any problems with women. I dont want to be the broken victim child when upon interactions with women; I want to move beyond it and be myself again. However, I spent a long time passive aggressive and getting attention being a victim; Now I dont want it anymore; But Im not trained to do anything else. IT takes work to go back and being a man again.
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Anyway; I practice now in my imagination..
I practice down the Pathway with God at the end of it; and inline with it are steps I walk; I have a starting pad Im standing on. I take my first steps forward; in First person point of view... I watch my feet; lifting my foot to one step at a time slowly in front of me focusing on the next step and landing my feet on the presented step in front of me. I move down this pathway 10-20 steps; Then a Finish pad is in front of me. I step onto it; when I step on it; I jump up n down on it a bit; and lights come from it shining out from its sides. and I look forward and inches in front of me is a women standing; I cant see her face but I see the outline of her dress and pumps and long hair and her thin waist.. She is Asian I believe with black long hair.. and she puts her arms out and walks forward a bit and I walk forward and we hug.
And Ill do this over n over n over strengthening the idea in my imagination that my wife is waiting for me.. I take the steps to her; but standing right in front of her; because I am attracting attraction; she is attracted to me and takes steps forward with open arms and hugs me.
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Its attraction not promotion. Altho I show up around her; I stop and allow the ability through the universe to attract her. And thus she comes to me and is attracted.
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NOTE: This use of the imagination; im only suggesting a few basic exercises here. Any combination of exercise concepts for representing the attraction of my wife to me; any numerous; hundreds of different ideas can be used... any combination I can come up with; i would pray first; let the universe help.
For example; after creating steps to my future wife down my pathway in my imagination; I can have us hugging each other and talking; suddenly Im creating dialog with her and she with me.. And so many other possibilities; maybe I create a physical relationship with her. The idea is; after running these exercise's through my head enough; soon; the universe will believe; if I believe; she is already here and will thus materialize her... Thats where all of this is going; but Ive had a hard time letting go for someone to be in front of me and feel safe.. and that safety is what Im looking for and working on; to learn how to feel safe.
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So; it almost seems like Im so without any self worth or self esteem I have to go through this or work on these self believing exercises; But I do! Because its the truth. All of my self worth was murdered out of me; raped out of me; Terrorized out of me through forms of torture; prolonged forms of horror; to a point I become a feeble dissociated person who could no longer stand on his own feet and was so disabled I had to be but on social security for the remainder of my life. So Im into fooling myself and thinking Im Bat Man; thats not going to work here.
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BAT MAN? Maybe?
As a broken feeble person maybe I will believe Im 6 years old in my Batman suit and Im hugging everything.
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I just cant let anything get close. And thats what Im working on. Its hard; its humiliating . I have recovery groups I go to for support while I go through this.
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Its important to understand how to use the imagination to my advantage to survive and create what I want and watch it materialize; its a survival mechanism created to help me; thats what its for.
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I am getting better; The gap has to be closed; once closed; Then I can focus on going back to the beginning of my life and rewriting each year of it the way I always wanted it and of course with Gods co creating help. This time under God.
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THE DEVIL:
The devil if a liar; that is important to know; for those who lie pathologically; they are also aligned with the devil.
I had the universe once; put new thoughts in my head concerning a person; across my forehead in my mind. I was trying to figure this persons character out; Why they were causing me such harm; a tickertape ran across'd my inner mind; it said only one thing to describe them: LIAR!
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God was trying to send me a message; THey were unsafe; they were habitual liars with no concious.
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THe devil will create a false light and claim they are God; only from a distance. This can trick a person who is not conscious or experienced in life.
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WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE;
Right now; its all about gaps; learning to cross them in my imagination.
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