June 2025
May 2025
My first love; Do I call her that or the girl up the street when young. At some point their is no First Love; in fact; that name is a blasphemy and its incorrect and almost alarming and funny. I dont think funny is the right word; but it is. humorous; Maybe another word describing it. Weakness... Or how about innocence... Boyhood nativity. Should have been protected in a home where I could explore it in a back room alone somewhere in privacy and protection; because its all about personal innocence and growth. The problem is; I had no backroom or safe spaces so I ran off to another persons house to find it; and I thought I had found it.
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I read about a child criminal. In this vid; one of the children were described as a 9 or 10 year old with a mind of a 5 year old; could that be me? Is that what happened. From the trauma of my young life I never developed; so while in the level of a teenager; I was actually looking for places to develop the young child in me; safe spaces but I had non so I took off to someone elses house to do so... And in doing so exposed my private development to those in that house and I was led on and laughed at; laughed at by strangers.
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Is it possible I needed close friends and parents with this kind of thing. Needed guidance and support; or more loving support as I developed. Is it possible I exposed my personal life to unsafe unsuspecting people who laughed at my weakness of needing others because I had no home; Yes; this might be closer to the problem.
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Is it possible that others in this family system " Run With It"; They led me on because they had an innocent victim with them. Is it possible I was exposing myself; not sexually tho; but emotional development; still something personal not for everyone. Some things or only for ones parents and home life for personal development; so I had to learn how to go to other places to develop instead of my home where I was born one might say and by doing so around others; others took advantage of it when they saw I was vulnerable.
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Is it possible that those around me saw I had to become co dependent because of the strange situation I was in. I had to develop and act out doing so; What other choice did I have.
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I do the same thing right now in meetings; bearing all to those around me in a controlled way that I may recover; nothing has changed... And by doing so; many get " to close". many bad people.
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In fact; right now in some 12 step groups; Im laughed at by some women and spat upon as a weakling; and these are sociopaths or something like them with the same traits... or evidence appears that they are. So; history is repeating itself..
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Is it all co dependency. Where I have a Childs need to reach out and be held or to have love during this development; did my first love take advantage of me; Yes; most definitely.
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My First love took advantage of me because she saw that I was weak in development and I was reaching out to her in a way and ran with it...
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She poured into the idea of trust. When their was no trust. I was being used or groomed or........ OR what ever word fits for this to describe; a description word; adjective or what ever. I was being manipulated.
I was exposing vulnerability around others who had nothing to loose. They could take advantage of me for as long as they like then discard me; throw me out. No loss; and thats what they did when they found out I was a kind of throw away with no home and love and no place of my own. I had no real home with no real love; once they saw the power position they were in; they got rid of me writing me off as no use... of no good use to them... And the girl who lived their did the same.
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So; my first love was a co dependent situation for me; she intertwined with me; a kind of spindling rope dance in-circling each other. But she was not being honest; she was lying; she was not doing it to help; she was doing it to Destroy; I guess she just couldn't help herself. I was exposing such personal things to a stranger who could get away with murder; why not murder me.. And thats what she did. And my heart was broken when it happened.
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My heart was broken when it happened!
However; Now; looking back; I see it; the false intention... intent. the contrived natured of the falsehood. She intended to lead me on; make me believe she could be trusted. she did this with a session of rituals aimed at hypnotizing me into believing she was on my side.. Kind of like a crooked man trying to get a young women into a van while driving by a park in a secluded area; a predator looking for an illegal pick up of innocence... Sounds sick just writing about it; an evil cake it is.
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I exposed my inner self to unsafe people and I got slaughtered. I exposed myself to unsafe strangers and got slaughtered.. I was trying to develop; something I could not do in the house I was staying at during the time with the girl up the street.... that time period. I had to have found external people to interact with to develop; I had no safe places or homes wot work with when young. I refused to be around the filth I was presented with in the home I was staying in.. I dissociated the whole thing; the whole experience in that place. I was looking for other safe places and thought I had found some; I was wrong; it was the opposite; I was around complete strangers but I had become so dissociative nothing mattered.
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Its very similar for me now in 12 step groups; almost the same. I bitch about the same problem occurring.
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So; the girl up the street inter danced for me; with me in a kind of sickening capture dance. I was the prey. I was caught. She took advantage of it that way. In reality I was just a hurt person looking for some place that was safe I could rest my head and body. And I was preyed upon. And thus had to leave. And thats all it was. Why I fell in love with someone I think was a kind of D.I.D thing... What ever it was; it was not of this world. I was projecting. And that made everyone more complex. I was projecting onto a stranger and I knew it but couldn't help myself. Finally after waking up and realizing these were strangers; I got the he'll out of there. I was still broken hearted... I had fallen for the girl.
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I had fallen for the girl. What had I fallen for? I had fallen for the movements.. the dance and what it represented; fallen hook line and sinker. I had responded like any good simp sucker responds to a contrived manipulation of movements... I was literally played... I was set up by someones movements to see how I would react. She had no heart in them; she wanted to see if she could gain power over me control for an afternoon of fun over it. It all no more worth then that; an afternoon of fun. thats all it meant to her; or; it meant nothing to her. I have to remember she was a stranger.
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I was trying to develop around strangers and some how woke up in the middle of it and ran off while I was being taken advantage of and laughed at.
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She led me on. flirted in a fake way with me leading me on on purpose and watching to see the outcome for the fun of it. like a cat and yarn dance; I mean; what did she care; I was a broken stranger looking for some place to rest my head; she had a win win situation; she could play me and get away with it; and she did; un Godly but what do these people care.
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And this was a horrible example of the life of a latchkey kid..And I was a latchkey kid no matter where I went.
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I tried to stay safe and survive.
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Im still doing it; Im doing the same behavior in 12 step meetings; its still not safe but its safe enough for me to take chances and grow with Gods help.
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So; I was used by these people when young; by this girl and her family who lived up the street. Right from the beginning it was a co dependent interlude.
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in fact the dance was much like the dance of a sexual abuser and its prey... I was the prey... The interaction was a co dependency of nature.
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I was around sicko's exposing myself. Thats the best way to put it.
I had feelings for one of them because I was so desperate for a parent or friend like response of surety and any kind of love I could eek out... anything.. I had had only a television all my life and what ever outside friends I could find... I was repeating this nature walk one more time... But this time it didnt really last long or work. I was exposed of what I was doing and booted out... I was broken hearted because it never worked and I never cashed in on this new venture; this new family I dreamed of being apart of... I ran off when I knew they found out; I could not live off them... I was so sad and broken hearted... I was a thief of sorts; an emotional vampire in many ways. I was stealing a seat at a house to sit in; I was stealing a place for me to sit in within their house as a new member of the family. When they found out I was not a teenager but a young child within myself; they laughed me to scorn and through me out... They found out I was just a broken weakling.
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Im not sure if I actually hit on what this writing was for... the point was; in my needed development the wrong people were showing up to close to me; interacting with me where they had no business being; it should have been a private affair in places a real family should have taken care of me so I could develop in private at a home in a back room where it was safe...
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So; I still need to develop in safe spaces.
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As for me my connection with the girl. Their was no girl. I had created a projection on a complete stranger that I needed to believe so I could survive. I needed at least on relationship of some kind with someone in the outside world; so I picked her... Since she was a stranger; I protected on her what I needed; but it was so delusional and dishonest and un real; that in the end I was left with nothing but my own created thoughts of a fictitious novelette created in my head.. a head full of delusional fantasy; but I had taken it one step further and created a complete fabricated lie.
I had created a lie... And I wanted that lie to be real; so I kept it real in my head even tho the actual person was long gone. I kept her alive in my head. The actual girl may have been nothing more then a few glances.... nothing more. a few views of a girl Id never known... and that is closer to the truth than anything ive said so far... Well; maybe not. I mean; this whole blog is very close or closer to the truth of what happened or what didnt really happen. meaning; nothing really happened. I was just a broken down feeble person looking for a place to rest.
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I was mentally ill and needed a hospital; thats what this really was. And instead I got played and laughed at.
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So; Im getting closer to the truth.
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Do not expose ones pearls to pigs n swine lest one get trampled under feet and torn to pieces; and thats what happened to me over n over n over no matter where I went. I never really had a safe place to go; safe places or spaces; nothing. always being taken advantage of; thats all it was; being taken advantage of by strangers.
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I had no home...
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Finally I tried a few times to make some of the members of these other families; maybe they could be my friends in crime. meaning; maybe they could help me. But they didnt. I got laughed at and thrown away... thrown out and had to wonder again alone... And I was broken hearted that I had almost procured a new home but it never happened... The gig was up; I was found out and thrown out...
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Kind of like a bum hitching a rid on a train and then getting found out and the rail road people throw me off the train; I get thrown out of the box car I was tramping in....
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I was a kind of tramp that would meander into other families and try to camp in their front rooms until I was found out and thrown out. At first I would act all charming and nice but soon I was just an insecure box car seeker looking for a place to emotionally camp; when they found this out they dumped me and I was thrown out in misery again.
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In this case with the girl; for some reason; I latched on to the concept of what she was. A girlfriend or friend or some kind of fantasy position; I dont know a dream of being part of in a new family; but it fell through. I had realized I had gotten in over my head. This time I was not getting out of this I would be dumped out.
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I lied my way into this family and I got found out and thus laughed at and thrown out...
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The girl had created a false dance for me because she knew I was sick and feeble emotionally; and she had a victim or sucker or weakling she could play. And it worked; I could not fight it very well I was 2 weak and 2 in need. All I did was find a house full of sociopaths and monsters and once realizing this I had to go back out into the lonely world again of being alone.
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Not until I was involved or allowed myself to open up to the recovery world did I start to half trust a process of getting real help. Im in that process now of learn how to properly open up and still feel safe; I still havent mastered this because Im so needy.
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I still attract abusers. In fact I bitch about the meetings I go to for recovery because I attract the wrong people; many times its women of a sociopathic or psychopathic nature... And that bothers me to no end.
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anyway; right now Im just trying to get rid of old baggage that has no place in my present life. Im praying about it and working with God to find out what really happened in my life. In general; I found myself in strangers house hold for love. I had no safe place to hide in the original house I came from so I sought love and shelter elsewhere.
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Altho when a small child I thought I had discovered new places to realm; in reality; I had found myself upon monsters and would not learn this horror until much older where I would be eaten alive rejected and thrown out.
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As for the girl up the street; was their really a girl up the street or a family to live of off up the street.. I had no real interested in the girl up the street; I had an interested in using her family up the street because I couldn't use mine. They didnt want me either. I had to survive. I felt I deserved the right to survive; to at least try.
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The fact was; I was so mentally ill and broken; I need a nut house.. but no one cared about me so I never was able.... I was a ghost throw away.
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The goal of this writing is to get over this girl because God wants me to because it was false. I held on to the dream because it was all I had and I dont need it anymore.
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I dont really need the recovery meetings as much anymore but Im still lonely...
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Isolation; Im still not established in the real world so I still need the meetings for support while I learn how to create new narratives for myself out in the real world; creating new stories about myself as if they've already happened until my confidence is built up to speed frequencing the world around me at the same level.
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